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A Year Today...

22 REPLIES 22
thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@CC1971 wrote:

Hi

I’m 11 months after finding my lump. 9 months after surgery and 5 months after radiotherapy. I really do consider myself lucky. I’m finding life really hard. Work is difficult, supportive employer but not so much line manager.

I’m working through this and have homeopathic medicine to help with effects of Tamoxifen (only 9 yrs and 3 mths more to go).

I’m finding life after BC quite hard. Helps to know I’m not the only one.

Grateful for all the support I have.

Take care


CC1971

You are most certainly not alone.  Sending hugs xx

Claire72
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi CC1971

 

I felt that I was ‘back to normal’ and getting in with things but I had my wobble around my first anniversary. I have to say joining this forum and realising that this is normal helped immensely. I’m pleased to say a few weeks on and I am feeling happy and positive again. I’m sure there’ll be other wobbles along the way. One day at a time though. 
Sending you positive vibes and hugs. 
xx

CC1971
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi

I’m 11 months after finding my lump. 9 months after surgery and 5 months after radiotherapy. I really do consider myself lucky. I’m finding life really hard. Work is difficult, supportive employer but not so much line manager.

I’m working through this and have homeopathic medicine to help with effects of Tamoxifen (only 9 yrs and 3 mths more to go).

I’m finding life after BC quite hard. Helps to know I’m not the only one.

Grateful for all the support I have.

Take care

SmallPickles
Member

Re: A Year Today...

So glad you've had a better day.  It is really easy, but destructive, to keep being hard on yourself. 

 

There are no easy answers - if any answers at all. It all takes time - both coming to terms with a new definition of yourself as different from before, and the physical and psychological trauma of major surgery and on-going ramifications.

 

I just know that you will need time to adjust and it will help if you can go easy on yourself for a while. I'm actually much better now at saying "I can't manage that", if I can't - and resting when I need to, but it took time to get to that point.  It can be frustrating when you are used to being in charge, able and capable!!

 

But we're here.

Lots of love xxx

 

Wonky
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi small pickles. Thank you for 'calling'; it is really appreciated.

So, the sensible me kicked-in today - I worked out I pushed myself too much, too soon. Or, possibly 'people who don't get it', did!. So have given myself a few days off to rest and have a breather. I don't see it as failing. I see it as learning more about the impact of BC. And possibly helping colleagues to understand the impact. I have been very honest and nothing negative has come from that (quite the opposite). 

But, and I am being self indulgent, I admit, I am starting to feel worn down with the pain, so many months along. 

I totally get it's to be expected, tumour was in rare position, so surgery radical. And was "aggressive" so they nuked me big style. 

I guess it's hard to put it all to bed when you are (physically) reminded on a constant basis, by the nerve pain 'stabs'. Have had to train myself that these stabbing pains aren't a heart attack. They are freakish. 

A flop on sofa last night and a ridiculously long lie in today have pulled me round. So I guess the mantra we all quote, on here, of "be kind to yourself", really does hold true.

I'm not the only one out there struggling, so sending  my warmest love and hugs to each & everyone. 

Wonky

 

SmallPickles
Member

Re: A Year Today...

How are you today, Wonky?

Just sending a hug or two.

xxx

SmallPickles
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Tiny steps, Wonky. A two second smile to remind yourself that you're still you.

 

Hope you feel a bit better tomorrow.

Lots of love and hugs xxx

thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@Wonky wrote:

I am in a bad place, last couple of days, and can't shake it off! 


Just saw your work place related post  ((hugs))

Wonky
Member

Re: A Year Today...

I am in a bad place, last couple of days, and can't shake it off! 

thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@SmallPickles wrote:

Dear thurnefi

 

Congratulations on your first anniversary - think of it as the first of many! 

 

I also found that I thought about the cancer all the time at that stage. It is normal - you’ve been through such a lot physically and emotionally and have the added concern of someone totally dependent.

 

I don’t do stats - I’m sure somewhere there will be a study that shows the world will end tomorrow!

 

I’m almost at my 6th anniversary and, like many of us with bc, I still have good days and bad days emotionally - more good than bad now.  Mostly, other people, including family, (apart from my darling husband who has always “been there” for me) don’t mention the breast cancer unless I do - I look quite normal! (Bit podgy round the middle, thanks Tamoxifen, but definitely normal.)

 

I think it is hard for other people to understand the enormity of what we have gone, and GO through.  It’s still a rare a day without thinking, at some point, “what if it comes back?”, “is that twinge something new beginning?”, or a day without living with the side effects of Tamoxifen, made worse by the pharmacy’s struggle to maintain a consistent supply of one brand, the joint pains, flushes and night sweats…….. et al, I seem to have all the side effects going and a few others thrown in for good measure! The fear of a return or spread is always there though I can conquer it most of the time.  We’re not lucky we’re strong - look what we’ve achieved so far!

 

BUT, there is a joy in knowing that we have “come out the other side”, that the sun still makes gorgeous sunsets, the frost is beautiful, that I’ve just spent five minutes watching a female blackbird devouring the apple I put out in the garden, that I’ve been for a walk with my husband……  There are so many things to enjoy that there isn’t time to be gloomy. The dark thoughts are there at the back but are crowded out by the things I can still do! 

 

And Wonky, the “book doesn’t close”, however, you can turn the page.  The destruction that is breast cancer will always be part of our lives - although it is only part.

 

So, it’s taken time, and though six years on I still acknowledge the devastating thing that is breast cancer, I have realised that there is much more to me and to life. 

 

Sending hugs to you all. xxx


SmallPickles

Thank you for your thoughtful post, and I found it really reassuring to know that you consider it "normal" to be thinking as I am at this point!  When you said that you have more good days than bad (and I am very pleased for you that is the case), I was reminded of something I heard  or read about grief.  That was about how you have good and bad days, and eventually (hopefully?) you will start to have more good than bad.  I hope one day I will wake up, and cancer won't be the first thing I think of...  Perhaps it will be the sunrise 🙂  I guess that my gloomy thoughts aren't yet able to be crowded out by the positive things that happen, and I hope I have enough time for that to happen to me.

Sending you hugs xx

Wonky
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Great thread ladies, thank you all. Hope you are all doing great today. Wonky. X

SmallPickles
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Thanks for the reply, Claire72.

 

I've tried many things over the six years with little success, though not sage so I'll give it a go.  I'm asthmatic with allergic rhinitis and allied hay fever etc. though and I had all the "Tamoxifen" side effects when I was menopausal too so the onc thinks it's just me and my body!  I did have a couple of years off between menopause and bc so I am hoping that I'll be better when I've finished Tamoxifen in 4 years time.

Lots of love xxx

Claire72
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi SmallPickles,

 

A lovely reply - as were all the others that have replied to Thurnefi!

 

I have been on Tamoxifen since February and I was experiencing night sweats. My oncologist suggested taking Sage and I have to say it has been marvellous. Worth a try if you haven’t already!

Continue enjoying the good things in life, big hug 

 

Claire xx

 

SmallPickles
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Dear thurnefi

 

Congratulations on your first anniversary - think of it as the first of many! 

 

I also found that I thought about the cancer all the time at that stage. It is normal - you’ve been through such a lot physically and emotionally and have the added concern of someone totally dependent.

 

I don’t do stats - I’m sure somewhere there will be a study that shows the world will end tomorrow!

 

I’m almost at my 6th anniversary and, like many of us with bc, I still have good days and bad days emotionally - more good than bad now.  Mostly, other people, including family, (apart from my darling husband who has always “been there” for me) don’t mention the breast cancer unless I do - I look quite normal! (Bit podgy round the middle, thanks Tamoxifen, but definitely normal.)

 

I think it is hard for other people to understand the enormity of what we have gone, and GO through.  It’s still a rare a day without thinking, at some point, “what if it comes back?”, “is that twinge something new beginning?”, or a day without living with the side effects of Tamoxifen, made worse by the pharmacy’s struggle to maintain a consistent supply of one brand, the joint pains, flushes and night sweats…….. et al, I seem to have all the side effects going and a few others thrown in for good measure! The fear of a return or spread is always there though I can conquer it most of the time.  We’re not lucky we’re strong - look what we’ve achieved so far!

 

BUT, there is a joy in knowing that we have “come out the other side”, that the sun still makes gorgeous sunsets, the frost is beautiful, that I’ve just spent five minutes watching a female blackbird devouring the apple I put out in the garden, that I’ve been for a walk with my husband……  There are so many things to enjoy that there isn’t time to be gloomy. The dark thoughts are there at the back but are crowded out by the things I can still do! 

 

And Wonky, the “book doesn’t close”, however, you can turn the page.  The destruction that is breast cancer will always be part of our lives - although it is only part.

 

So, it’s taken time, and though six years on I still acknowledge the devastating thing that is breast cancer, I have realised that there is much more to me and to life. 

 

Sending hugs to you all. xxx

thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@louiseh1104 wrote:

Hi thurnefi,

Congratulations on reaching this significant anniversary. Just wanted to echo the kind thoughts and wishes of the other forum users and to say, in a gentle way, to try to remember to take a little time out for yourself once in a while, as you have been through a lot and need time to process what has happened and find your "new normal"-something which can be difficult to do at first, but may come just a little easier with practice.

I apologise if my comments come across as clumsy in any way - that was not my intention!

Sending big hugs,

Louise.x


Dear Louise

 

Thank you for your kind reply and no - not at all clumsy.  the "new normal" is hard.  It's not a normal I ever wanted and maybe I still feel angry, bewildered etc, when I actually do find that time to sit down and think about it.  In all honesty I do feel "better"/more normal than I did at the beginning, perhaps I just need more processing time to pass...

 

Sending you a hug back xx

thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@Wonky wrote:

To Claire72 and Thurnefi. Hugs to you both. I'm a 'ditto', treatment-wise, but about 4 months to go to 1st anniversary of diagnosis and start of the tornado which ripped through my life. Up days, down days, good and bad days ( I'm still in physical pain from op and rads) but my view is that overall, its better than it was at the start. And a very big reason for that is how well we have done. I honestly don't think we give ourselves enough credit for what we have dealt with. 

It baffles me too, that as one of the luckier ones I am still far from sure of my feelings and able to close the book. It's a very peculiar feeling. 


Thank you for your reply, Wonky.  Those feelings don't come with any rationality, do they?  Someone asked me how I felt yesterday on the anniversary - I said I didn't know!  How can I not even know I how I felt, but I didn't.  As you said (and I replied to another poster) good days and bad days, and everything in between.  I think you are quite right about credit - I think generally we (but without stereo-typing anyone!) don't really give ourselves a pat on the back and a "well done" for how far we have come along this path.

 

I hope your physical pain subsides - I still have quite a bit of pain, myself, but I know it is so individual.

 

Sending you a big hug xx

thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@Claire72 wrote:

Hi,

I’ve just finished watching last nights episode of Cold Feet and it really struck a cord with me prompting me to join this forum. My first little browse and I find the topic that I am struggling with!!

I was diagnosed in Dec 2018. I had a lumpectomy in Jan 19 and radiotherapy in March/April 19. Im on Tamoxifen. I ran my very first half marathon in June!!! After the initial fear of diagnosis I was totally positive and I felt blessed that my treatment was trouble free. I felt a fraud because I did so well was fortunate enough not to have chemotherapy. 
My anxiety started around my first yearly mammogram in December 19. I was recalled for a magnified mammo on Xmas Eve. It brought back lots of memories and I wasn’t really prepared for that. I was thankfully given the all clear and saw my consultant last week who was happy. I should be happy!! But I’m not .... I’m constantly thinking that it’s going to come back. I’m getting annoyed with myself as I’ve got through the last year so strong and positive. People, including me think I’m all ok and over it, but I’m suddenly struggling again and finding it difficult to understand. 

Hopefully we will both get some reassurance from this forum. 
Big hug to you xx


Dear Claire72

 

Thank you for your reply - and welcome to the forum here.  I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with things at the moment.  Don't be hard on yourself for feeling that way, even though you feel that you should be more positive, and annoyed with yourself that you were last year.  Some of the things I have found is that I have to be kind to myself, I can't do it all, and every day is different... Yes, I do sound like some guru peddling little mantras!!!  

 

It is fantastic that you ran a half marathon in June, so soon after your treatment ended, but that was then, and, if you never ran again, then it doesn't mean that somehow it's (you are?) worse.  It's just different.

 

I can totally empathise with those feelings about being a fraud - I feel it every time some asks, did you have chemo, and I say I didn't.  Or did I have a mastectomy, and I didn't.  One friend even dismissed my feelings because I have a cancer that hasn't returned or spread... (I say "friend"...)  

 

I think that there are bad days, good days and everything in between, and sometimes those days stretch into weeks.  I hope you find some support here, Claire.

 

Sending you a hug xx

 

 

thurnefi
Member

Re: A Year Today...


@Jaybro wrote:

Hi thurnefi

 

Ruth? It doesn’t matter 🙂 First, congratulations on an important milestone. Mine passed without my noticing. I think it was this Christmas Eve, the first anniversary of my first chemo, that I felt something celebratory - perhaps knowing how far I’d come. I’m struggling with joint and muscle pain from HT (which I hope to have resolved a a few weeks by changing brand) and have good days and bad days. Today is good because I had acupuncture at the Haven, unfortunately my last free session.

 

The emotional tsunami of a cancer diagnosis is often overlooked and always underestimated. It’s horrid when people say how lucky you’ve been, when you don’t feel it. Lucky compared to who? No one knows what’s going on in your head and your heart. I don’t consider you’re luckier than me because you didn’t have to have chemo. You still had to deal with the same horrid and scary stuff like shock. As for the stats, forget them. They are for scientists, not people.  The odds could be 98% against you and you could still be in that 2% so why waste time thinking about them - what will be, will be. With your additional responsibilities, it would be a lot easier to tuck the stats at the back of your mind as something you can’t do anything about - a bit like that meteor that might strike the earth.

 

I think you have to have been through it yourself to truly ‘get it’ but this man does, I think, get it. This is an article I found tremendously useful and I read it repeatedly. I first came across it when one of the nurses here included it in a reply to someone and I’ve been asking for an articles bank or something so it doesn’t get lost again. Anyway, I hope you decide to read it and think about what he says: https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-wha...

 

Sending you a big hug,

Jan x

 


Jan

 

Thank you for your kind reply and the link to the article.  I was actually given that when I was on a "Moving Forward" course.  I don't think I was in the right place then to read it properly.  I will do so now.

 

I like the analogy to the meteor strike 🙂  I think that is very good advice (for anyone, really.)  The stats the oncologist gave me going through the (I can't even remember what it was called now!) online "test" they do - did weigh very heavily on my mind, and you have happily reminded me that, on discharge, the surgeon said the stats don't really seem to reflect accurately what they see.  Something to remember.

 

Sending a hug back to you xx

louiseh1104
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi thurnefi,

Congratulations on reaching this significant anniversary. Just wanted to echo the kind thoughts and wishes of the other forum users and to say, in a gentle way, to try to remember to take a little time out for yourself once in a while, as you have been through a lot and need time to process what has happened and find your "new normal"-something which can be difficult to do at first, but may come just a little easier with practice.

I apologise if my comments come across as clumsy in any way - that was not my intention!

Sending big hugs,

Louise.x

Wonky
Member

Re: A Year Today...

To Claire72 and Thurnefi. Hugs to you both. I'm a 'ditto', treatment-wise, but about 4 months to go to 1st anniversary of diagnosis and start of the tornado which ripped through my life. Up days, down days, good and bad days ( I'm still in physical pain from op and rads) but my view is that overall, its better than it was at the start. And a very big reason for that is how well we have done. I honestly don't think we give ourselves enough credit for what we have dealt with. 

It baffles me too, that as one of the luckier ones I am still far from sure of my feelings and able to close the book. It's a very peculiar feeling. 

Claire72
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi,

I’ve just finished watching last nights episode of Cold Feet and it really struck a cord with me prompting me to join this forum. My first little browse and I find the topic that I am struggling with!!

I was diagnosed in Dec 2018. I had a lumpectomy in Jan 19 and radiotherapy in March/April 19. Im on Tamoxifen. I ran my very first half marathon in June!!! After the initial fear of diagnosis I was totally positive and I felt blessed that my treatment was trouble free. I felt a fraud because I did so well was fortunate enough not to have chemotherapy. 
My anxiety started around my first yearly mammogram in December 19. I was recalled for a magnified mammo on Xmas Eve. It brought back lots of memories and I wasn’t really prepared for that. I was thankfully given the all clear and saw my consultant last week who was happy. I should be happy!! But I’m not .... I’m constantly thinking that it’s going to come back. I’m getting annoyed with myself as I’ve got through the last year so strong and positive. People, including me think I’m all ok and over it, but I’m suddenly struggling again and finding it difficult to understand. 

Hopefully we will both get some reassurance from this forum. 
Big hug to you xx

Jaybro
Member

Re: A Year Today...

Hi thurnefi

 

Ruth? It doesn’t matter 🙂 First, congratulations on an important milestone. Mine passed without my noticing. I think it was this Christmas Eve, the first anniversary of my first chemo, that I felt something celebratory - perhaps knowing how far I’d come. I’m struggling with joint and muscle pain from HT (which I hope to have resolved a a few weeks by changing brand) and have good days and bad days. Today is good because I had acupuncture at the Haven, unfortunately my last free session.

 

The emotional tsunami of a cancer diagnosis is often overlooked and always underestimated. It’s horrid when people say how lucky you’ve been, when you don’t feel it. Lucky compared to who? No one knows what’s going on in your head and your heart. I don’t consider you’re luckier than me because you didn’t have to have chemo. You still had to deal with the same horrid and scary stuff like shock. As for the stats, forget them. They are for scientists, not people.  The odds could be 98% against you and you could still be in that 2% so why waste time thinking about them - what will be, will be. With your additional responsibilities, it would be a lot easier to tuck the stats at the back of your mind as something you can’t do anything about - a bit like that meteor that might strike the earth.

 

I think you have to have been through it yourself to truly ‘get it’ but this man does, I think, get it. This is an article I found tremendously useful and I read it repeatedly. I first came across it when one of the nurses here included it in a reply to someone and I’ve been asking for an articles bank or something so it doesn’t get lost again. Anyway, I hope you decide to read it and think about what he says: https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-wha...

 

Sending you a big hug,

Jan x

 

thurnefi
Member

A Year Today...

Hello all

I had my diagnosis a year ago today.  I am not really sure how I feel today, and I just wanted to post here, to reflect a bit about that year and ask how others felt at this point.

I haven't been able to "move forward" about my diagnosis all that well.  I still think about it ALL the time.  I had surgery and radiotherapy, and now I am on hormone treatment.  As far as the statistics go, I am very fortunate.  Lots of people tell me how lucky I am, but I haven't quite caught up with that view myself yet.  I will, and perhaps today is the day I can say I survived a year, and now I can start that path of positivity.  I think I am held back a bit by the fact that I have significant caring responsibilities for a very disabled (adult) child, and that weighs very heavily on my mind.

So, for those who are ahead of me on this path, how are you feeling today?

Can you send over some hugs, I think I am in need today...

Much love to you all xx