Babies and other people getting pregnant

[Goldie112]

Whoop whoop congratulations!! I'm sooooooo chuffed for you,that's amazing, really well done! Thanks for letting me know, it's made my Friday 😍
Hope the weekend goes well with the inlaws xxx

[Optimissy64]

Running free, many congratulations on the new job!!!!

Hope you survive the in-laws.......x

[Runningfree]

Been so frantic.... trying to sort out my revalidation/ right to practice but TODAY I got the Occupational Health job!!!!!!!!!!!!

In laws got here tonight for a few days eek!

hope you are ok

will try and post a proper update but wanted to tell you about the job

cath

xx

[Goldie112]

Eek that's amazing! well done you!
Good luck, not that you'll need it 😀
Not so much fun re tamoxifen but hope you're OK xxxx

[Runningfree]

Have got an interview for the job.....!

On the 10th

Am going back on Tamoxifen at the weekend... do feel better but know I have to

x

[Goldie112]

I'm so glad, fingers crossed they can refer you for accupunture, big hugs, sounds like you're taking steps forward which is brilliant xxxx

[Runningfree]

Onc was surprisingly sympathetic! Isn't convinced that i am menopausal, reluctant to change me from tamoxifen.

Suggested accupunture, i know it's helped you. Will ring the hospice tomorrow to see if they can help.

He also thinks a job change might help. Fingers crossed!

x

[Runningfree]

Work was just awful.....got attacked by a patient who is detoxing amongst other things!

Oncologist running seriouly late, got out at five, then had to drive accross town to hand in application..... got there 10 minutes before closing.....

so it's done.

Hopefully the dog is just calming down; it would certainly be the simplest solution.

xx

[Goldie112]

How was work and your onc apt? Well done for applying for the job, taking positive steps always helps.
All is ok re the dog, he's been fine and we have had some serious chats I just need to get a list of options together and work through them x

[Runningfree]

Well I have applied for the post...... thought of all I said to you about fresh starts.

Felt rusty though, so we'll have to wait and see.

Finished it tonight, head is buzzing! Work tomorrow plus onc review.

Im so sorry the dog situation is still ongoing... no better then?

x

[Goldie112]

Sounds busy! How are you feeling now? You've struggled a lot with work, maybe a change would be good?
All OK here, I flew for work which is the first time since before I was ill - feels like a big step although I can't believe it took me so long to do it.
Came back today, it's been manic but good, tons of work on though and feel a bit shattered so will see how next week goes.
Need to get on and sort the dog situation out next.
Xxxx

[Runningfree]

Hello!

hope you are ok....

have had a technical drought so to speak..... iPad wasn't charging, couldn't get a look in on the laptop and then I smashed my phone!! iPad now fixed!

Just haven't settled at work, I told you about the girl who is now senior to me..... I just feel like I'm stuck in a corner. My boss is still on leave, has been off since early August, her deputy has been off sick ( got hit by a falling ladder!!), so couldn't discuss it with anyone anyway. And it just isn't the other girls fault, it's my insecurities. So I think I need to go. I've been back a year so haven't exactly rushed it.

Have seen a job in Occupational Health, 30 hours, which although is a slight increase should be less tiring. I'm going to see them in the morning for a chat.

i stopped taking the tamoxifen about 10 days ago to see if there's any difference in my symptoms but there isn't really so am going to tell my onc so when I see him on Monday. I've had bloods done so I guess we'll hopefully discuss my options....

Hubby not great as injured his leg and can't run!

Eldest did well in exams so back in 6th form; youngest has started high school so it's all been a bit frantic!

cath

xx

[Goldie112]

I don't think it's self pity. I think it's more complicated than that. It's a reminder of everything you've had to give up as a result of the cancer, and you wouldn't be human if it didn't rock you every now and then,especially when you're least expecting it. You're already reminding yourself that you've made a lifestyle decision re work at the moment, that's not to say it won't change in the future but for now it's the right thing for you, so the angst will settle down I think, it's just the initial shock of it all.

And the changes in your body hit you at different times. He's never going to understand, because he hasn't lost a big part of his body. I think people mean well when they say 'it doesn't matter, you can't notice' but it really doesn't help as it doesn't matter what they think and feel, it's about how you feel and your reaction to everything. I was reading something that said you should take time and acknowledge how you're feeling, recognise it and let it sit with you for a bit. Feelings come and go and it's fine to feel them and acknowledge them. If you consciously do that you can then see what your triggers are and also consider how you want to deal with them, if you need to deal with them. But the first step is letting yourself feel them without beating yourself up.

It sounds like the holiday was good despite the lack of sleep. I've just had a city break with friends and my arm ballooned and I spent a lot of time being questioned about it, my friend commented that I'm spending a lot of time avoiding talking about things and it can't go on forever and I'm sure she's right.

Hope the rest of your week gets better and you get your IT sorted out

Sending you lots of love x

[Runningfree]

hi Goldie

just back from holiday...amazing....started in Paris (hot), went on to french Alps, then Swiss Alps (both freezing    at night) then finishing off at Ypres (hot)!!

Slept very badly the whole time but had less night sweats as tent SO cold!

But we all got on pretty well.

just had yesterday then back to work today...

Really busy and also found out that one of the girls (just a baby in nursing terms) has been made up to a junior sisters post in my absence.

Its really stupid but i felt down about it...

she deserves the chance, is more than capable to do the job (which is full time, weekends etc)

I know my working week is enough ...its just that it was a post i did before bc and it just makes you realise that bc just keeps on giving..

it was done in the 2 weeks i was off which was probably a good thing...but i just feel low

stupid

Also smashed i phone sgreen and ipad has given up so on laptop which i am less proficient on

Also had a moment on holiday where i really came down with a bump. Went swimming for the first time, my top was fine,no accidents but there were so many cleveages about!

My husband doesnt understand why i am feeling this way about all of the above, and in a way i dont, its all just self pity,which i hate.

Anyway,signing off before he gets back..

Are you ok?

cath

x

[Goldie112]

Do you feel like everything is just changing constantly? How you feel and then how he feels and how you react? I hate the roller coaster analogy but it's kind of apt.
At the moment we are just not really getting on I don't think, and it makes me feel a bit panicky as process the implications of that but mostly I am trying to be grateful and positive about all thr good things in my life. I hope you have an amazing trip, I do think it will be fine when you're there
Being at home for a week has been good for me definitely! Xxx

[Runningfree]

Signed my student off so she's finished and really loved the whole experience....!!!!!!

Mum is seeing a lady on Monday who hopefully can put someone in for an hour a day whilst we are away, she is feeling easier and so am I.

Have sat tonight for at least an hour looking at a map of Paris, he has now trotted off outside to look for some obscure item we might need. He's really upbeat tonight but that is SO like him, changes with the wind.

Im glad you are ok, sometimes time at home is a good thing. You are also right about the holiday, surely it can only do us good!🤞

X

[Goldie112]

Blooming heck, you do have a lot going on babe. Thanks for letting me know how you are, I knew you had a lot going on and have been thinking about you. Great news that your left breast is ok. Lots to consider re second mastectomy. Maybe see how you feel after your holiday?
I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. That's tough. Sounds like you're really juggling a lot of different people and expectations at the moment. I think it's really normal to worry about holiday when you have so much going on and are outside of your comfort zone. I feel like that about most things to be honest. Lol.
Re your husband and attention, maybe the holiday will do you both good? Sounds like you need a break although as ever, it sounds a bit like you're doing the worrying about everyone else whilst they expect/need you to be 'back to normal'. It's such a hard balance as you need to take care of yourself as well. Of course you naturally worry about everyone else first, but then it's too hard for them to accept you are not fully yourself after everything.

I think the holiday will be fine when you get there. Maybe just write down all the things you are worried about and see what contingencies you need to have in place? Often things you dread are great when you get there.

You can't do anything about your mum being ill other than make sure there are people around to help her when you're away. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to miss out on anything because of her and it feels like a change might do you good and being completely away will let you just be together as a family.

Sending you a big hug!
All is ok here, had a very flat couple of days at the beginning of the week as we are off and haven't gone anywhere, but in the end it's been nice being at home sorting through stuff and not being in the office. Your work sounds as stressy as ever. Can't believe you have a student too! Lots of additional pressure. Nightmare. Take care xxxx

[Runningfree]

Hello Goldie

This maybe a post of mammoth proportions as it is a rare chance.....

We go a week today, camping. First to Paris, then Chamonix and then, briefly, Switzerland and the Eiger.

The others are really excited. I am just worried. About everything.

I wish I could deal with my husband better.... in recent weeks he just flies off the handle, no violence or anything but hurtful words. Generally to me but sometimes to the boys ( who arguably deserve it). One point of irritation is if I am 'tapping away', rather than just giving him my undivided attention. And as I have no time from me finishing work to him getting home I'm unsure whether to just ignore his irritation or go underground.

On top of this my mum has developed heart failure and just is very tired... I'm trying to help as much as I can but only have wed pm and fri am when I can do this ( he has shorter days on these days which are my days off) and the last couple of weeks he has rearranged work and taken these off as well! Supposedly to get paperwork done but then sulks if I say I need to do shopping,mum etc.

I am making it sound worse than it probably is but as I'm trying to ride the storm until he gets over this particular man crisis ( is it the 'manopause' I wonder?) I don't know what else to do...

He is still the man for me he just drives me mad!

Next...me.

Saw the general surgeon ( who I like ) this week as no breast surgeon at the moment. Told me my left breast was absolutely normal so was probably a hormonal thing. Talked about tamoxifen, he feels my symptoms are too excessive and now too lengthy to just carry on, so has given me a blood form to get hormones checked. I'm seeing the oncologist in a month. We talked about work and the impact it sometimes has( more in a minute). So when I asked him about having the left breast off he said he understood, and I could ( with the correct procedure of counselling etc) but that it would be a shame as it is small, quite youthful and blameless ( lol). When I mentioned having a big tattoo they all recoil..! Lyphoedema and all that I suppose. But, touch wood, I haven't had any issues and in reality only lost 4 nodes.

Work has been difficult. One of the sisters has been off since January with stress, and in the absence of many senior nurses some of my old roles have slipped in, and the bad habits that go with them... finishing late etc etc. I think she is on the brink of being pensioned off but may limp along on half pay till xmas. I think one of the girls who has been on the ward since she qualified 4 years ago has her eye on the job. A tiny bit of my heart wants it( I did it before my bc of course) but I don't think I could keep the excellent hours they have given me.

Full time would not help my health and CERTAINLY not my home life!

We have had a lot of cancer recently, and a large chunk of it has typically been breast. But I just keep reminding myself that these are the extreme end of the scale and not the fate of most of us. Most of the time I keep my head above it all. The ladies bizarrely find it a source of comfort that I'm there soldiering on at work! I suppose it normality!

Ive also been trying to catch up with all my mandatory stuff that I need to have in order by November, which is stressing me out a bit. And I've just had a first year student ( who was great, but had a fair amount of paperwork!!) to mentor for the past 8 weeks.

So I think the holiday is important.

But I always worry about my mum/ pets/ bigger animals/ house/ terrorism / arguments/ money / insomnia/ sweats etc.  😓

So there we are... hope you have managed to trawl through it all!

Now you.... it is so hard about that dog. I really understand your dilemma, bit like me, you sort of hope you can ride the storm till it gets sorted. 

Have you come off the tamoxifen?

And how is work?

I feel so much better I have got you up to date.... sorry I have been so rubbish.

cath

x

[Goldie112]

Yes, but you're allowed a wobble - "getting on with it" doens't mean you don't worry!! 

A road trip does sound like fun but I can understand why you're nervous - I'm rubbish and haven't travelled abroad at all since my diagnoses - although for me this is more to do with my lovely lymphoedema and worrying about bites and flying and all that jazz!! 

I don't have a holiday planned as we still haven't sorted the dog out yet - no further incidents there but still not sorted either, not sure what to do as I don't want to make him put the dog down but we can't do this forever. Hey ho. 

Hope you're ok anyway, do you go soon? x

[Runningfree]

Five years is a great milestone!!

I think my job often doesn't help, I see all the bad news cases and not all the good news ones ( who are just getting on with life....)

So I need to just get on with it and,like you and everyone else deal with any scares if they arise! 

I think I'm also unsettled because instead of going somewhere like the lakes for our holidays we are going on this big road trip ( for goodness sake!). The problem is that my lifestyle is busy but a bit like everywhere else was 30 years ago and Europe seems a big bad world out there!!

What about you?

x

[Goldie112]

Oh yeah, lots of scares to be honest

Still a bit prone to them, I think I'm officially today or next week five years since treatment finished too!! Of course you're going to be worried with your personal experience too - the problem is there is no rhyme or reason to it and when you know you have to be vigilant it's hard to get the balance right between being careful and driving yourself crazy. 

Sounds tough with the family lovely - but I remember when my mum was ill, looking back I just didn't understand what she was going through. When you're young you just think it's easy to move on.... 

And then if your onco is no support - v difficult - this weather has been hard I've been hot and cold too! Think about alternative therapies - I always feel better when I'm taking action myself. It might be worth thinking about counselling too - sounds like you need an outlet in a safe place? 

Anyway, sending lots of love xxxxxxx

[Runningfree]

Hi Goldie

didnt realise it had been so long....thanks for getting in touch.

I presume you have had the odd scare since diagnosis from what you said on one of your posts?

I suppose the surgeon will say it is hormones?

i think the problem I have is that I end up looking after all the missed or recurrence breast cancers so I couldn't envisage it being anything harmless!!

Its been tough at home too. With 3 growing boys it's getting very physical and noisy.

My eldest is now 16 and 6ft 1, so any arguments end up with him standing up to my husband!

They all haven't really thought things through re what I actually had done. The other day we were out and the all just decided to strip down to shorts and go in the sea and they just couldn't see why I didn't want to... The middle one actually said I was boring and that once I would have just gone in. I just feel self conscious at times and also just seem to either be freezing cold or boiling hot!

i have been struggling with the heat particularly at work, I see the oncologist in August but carry little hope that he will suggest anything! 

My young friend who is triple neg came to the same conclusion about him , he just seems to have no compassion at all!

anyway that's a quick run down. How are you?

xxx

[Goldie112]

Busy is good for keeping your mind off things.glad you're talking too,hope you're OK x

[Runningfree]

Yes

i have told mum and a couple of people......

lots to do this week so won't have time to worry too much!

x

[Goldie112]

It's horrible when you need stuff checking out. I'm glad you've got an appointment, hopefully it will put your mind at rest but be prepared for more tests as they are very thorough when you've already had cancer.
Have you got someone to talk to? Fair enough that you don't want to worry your family but you need to talk about how youre feeling otherwise it will drive you mad. It's a bit cooler so hopefully you can sleep better tonight xxxx big hugs xxxxx

[Runningfree]

Really hectic week....

sleeping very badly, sweats and worry over the lumpy boob

i have an appointment now for a week tomorrow so we will see I guess

i haven't told my husband yet and certainly not the kids. I know it will probably be nothing but it's an anxious time. It's difficult not to think the worst sometimes isn't though, especially the thought of more surgery/ treatment ( especially f you have a husband who hates illness, lol!!)

off this week which is good 

hope you are ok

x

[Goldie112]

Yeah I'm ok thanks. Bit flat this week. Buts it's just lots of niggley things. Just need to think of those poor people in that awful fire in London and that helps my perspective x

[Runningfree]

Thanks for that, that's a good plan / rule I think!

you ok?

x

[Goldie112]

Well keep an eye on it. Since treatment I've followed the two week rule, if it's still worrying me after that time go straight to the docs or nurses. Although I think for the first year or so after treatment I didn't wait so long (ie gave it a week) as it was too worrying otherwise. So see how you feel. Glad your friend is doing ok. Sending you a big hug xxx

[Runningfree]

Gone to ground a bit....

my young friend has started her chemo today, seems to be coping brilliantly

typically I have noticed a lumpy area to remaining boob..... It's difficult because you don't have another to compare it against!

its probably me being neurotic  and it's always been there!

i know I can't go rushing to hospital every time I suspect something, so I am trying to sweat it out for a few days; and if it's still there I'll have to do something!!

x

[Goldie112]

You didn't sound self pitying at all.
I was just concerned you were being hard on yourself, as it's still raw for you and things like this can really affect you (stating the bleeping obvious lol) Hope you're OK, it's tough dealing with this. Glad you are there too. I think we just have to accept it's not a straight road we're on, and yo grab the joy when we see it. Sending lots of love xx

[Runningfree]

I didn't mean to sound so self pitying!

i suppose I now ( after knowing the emotions/ issues YOU have gone through) feel sorry for the extra issues youngsters have to face, particularly babies.

i also despair at the negativity that medics seem to exude.....I know they have to point out all eventualities in this world of litigation, but even so..

Today was just a day of bad news so I think it has just left me a bit fragile.

hope you are ok. We are a right pair, generally one is up the other is down!

glad you are there

x

[Goldie112]

Why is it far more than you have?
I think you've been through quite a lot and still are, not that it's a competition.
I think it's easy to go to a dark place when it happens to someone else. It's another reminder that we are all living with small print that we try to ignore.
I understand how you feel guilty, especially now you are through the bulk of your hard core treatment but it's not your fault she has to go through this. It is nice that she has you to talk to - which something many people don't have, although the way you're feeling at the moment it might make sense for you to be a bit careful here as it does seem to be affecting you strongly. You can help her a lot by being there for her but you've got to be ok in yourself. It's OK as well if it's too hard for you to be closely involved with someone going through something similar to you so soon after everything you've been through. I'm sorry you're having a tough time, life is so up and down generally but it does feel like everything is magnified after cancer. Sending big hugs xxx

[Runningfree]

Still pretty swollen but didn't miss work... so busy

Wish I had as had a really upsetting day for various reasons

just feel sad that this young woman I know is having to go through far more than I have.... Just feel so guilty

finding it difficult to shake it off

x

[Goldie112]

Oh no! How awful. Did you go in today? Does it feel any better? how has your husband been? Can't believe he was cross at you? He really struggles with you having been ill doesn't he? It's so weird.
Hope today has been better anyway x

[Runningfree]

Went out for a run in the hills with my husband yesterday ( should've known better!!)

he was doing his usual, telling me to run quicker on the downhills.... I just find it scary, lumps of rock, rabbit holes etc

anyway I tripped somehow or other

thought I heard a crack in my ankle and it was incredibly sore

he went mad! Said I was like an old lady etc etc

i said lets go on but he turned round and somehow I managed to run/ walk the 2 miles or so back

he hasn't spoken to me since

i can just about walk on it, have a big lump on my ankle bone!

He is off for a week now with the kids, think all I can do is hobble into work and see

A and E not really an option as it's the TT bike festival and the hospital goes into meltdown with the sudden increase of population

assuming at best I'm not going to be able to run with my friends for a while which is one of my lifelines

x😔

[Goldie112]

Oh hun it's tough when someone you know has to go through it - you just want to spare them all the horrors. It's bound to have knocked you.
It's weird how much it can affect you.
She will feel better once treatment starts and she's on the treatment train, not knowing what happening is awful. Sending you a big hug x

[Runningfree]

Spent quite a lot of last night talking to this girl I know who has just been diagnosed,feel like I've had a recurrence I feel so upset/ cross for her....... I just couldn't sleep last night, kept mulling over it all

messed about with her for a few weeks. Looks like she needs neo adjuvant chemo, I'm supposing it's partly to conserve as much boob as possible? Reminds you that all our treatment plans differ.

shes also seeing doc today about eggs. Due to get married next year.

😞x

[Goldie112]

Yeah it's a fine balance eh?
Work is ok thanks although I feel like I've achieved nowt this week - it's like wading through treacle lol nearly the weekend though, hurrah!

[Runningfree]

I think there's a bit of that

but I also know I've got to get on with things

just wish the nights were better

hows work going ?

[Goldie112]

That sounds like you're forcing yourself to be positive ar the end of maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Hope you're OK anyway x

[Runningfree]

She's only 29.... I'm hoping it will be straightforward for her ( as much as it ever can be)

i am definitely perking up. Night sweats ( and day ones ) are still awful but my energy levels are improving.

got signed off from occ health yesterday on the proviso that I contact them if any probs.

they are recommending I stick with my mon Tuesday Thursday day shifts for the foreseeable future

does make things easier with the kids etc and means I'm off with himself at the weekends

so really I think I have a lot to be positive about

x

[Goldie112]

Yeah although not resolved yet!
I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a blow every time. Hope it's been caught early.
How are you feeling now the herceptin is finished? X

[Runningfree]

Hope things are ok....

One of the teaching assistants at my youngest school was diagnosed today with BC

bloody thing

x

[Goldie112]

Yeah thanks for listening as ever! Now he's actually taken a step I feel heaps better xxx

[Runningfree]

It's horrible but you have to stand firm for your own safety

x

[Goldie112]

I told him I'd looked at other places to live last time and he just said he would move out. It's been quite horrible but he has spoken to the breeder now and she will try and re home him or he might have to be destroyed. Feel better thst he's finally had the discussion and hopefully we can move forward from this x

[Runningfree]

Sorry love should have checked in yesterday but pretty much went straight to bed when I got in ...another story another time.

What would he say if you said you were going to go and stay somewhere for a while? Have you shown him your foot? He is in just so total denial isn't he?!

this is all just so unfair for you to have to deal with, I know he loves the dog but you could be seriously hurt

have you told him how particularly dangerous a bite would be to your bad arm?

i know I'm not really helping, just can't offer anything positive/ constructive towards KEEPINGthe dog,it all points to him needing to go

😔x

[Goldie112]

Ah thanks. Re work that sounds rubbish but I know what you mean! So he hasn't done anything again he said the breeder was going to call him back today and it hasn't happened and he hasn't rang her. Before he went to sleep I said 'are you going to call her tomorrow' and he got really angry. It feels like the same cycle again and I dont know how to break it. The top of my foot is black and blue where the dog ragged it. I refuse to be scared in my own home anymore. I just don't know what to do x

[Runningfree]

You never 'go on'!

yes, work is dreadful but I'd rather it that way round!

x