Hi Pat 007,
Well it's good to hear he's not usually aggressive but not good that he's not talking to you. Any idea why this is?
Given how things have become, it sounds like you need to find a way to clear the air but in a very positive "I feel", rather than "you did", kind of way (even if that means biting your tongue a tad)! Is there something you both enjoy doing which takes you out of your usual setting and gives you both a slight breather....a walk on a sunny afternoon with a chance just to talk about the past year but in a reasonably upbeat way? I know it shouldn't have to be like this but if you want it to work, it may be worth trying a different approach.
Is it possible he's been really worried and it's just coming out in a weird, not communicating properly way?
Re the fatigue - I had quite bad fatigue after treatment, partly due to sudden severe anaemia and found a few friends didn't quite seem to understand how this could be any different to tiredness. I found they got it when I started describing myself as being a bit like a mobile phone, beeping when needing charging, (and did an impression of an increasingly quiet beep!). Seemed to amuse people and they got it! Another way of describing it was by saying that fatigue is quite different to tiredness, when you are tired you can find more reserves from somewhere, whereas with fatigue you turn ploddy and can't push yourself any more, even if you want to.
On a positive note I did find it kept improving the further I got from active treatment. Clearly any hormone therapy etc can have side effects too.
If things don't improve you could try couple counselling, where the counsellor can act as bit of a broker to translate/avoid confrontation?
I really hope things improve.
Many thanks for your kind reply Seabreeze. Thankfully throwing things isn't his regular behavior but he can be uncaring. Yes it was quite an aggressive outburst not pleasant and he hasn't spoken a word to me for a week now since this outburst and yes, unfortunately, his outburst was in front of my daughter. He hasn't shouted at her thankfully, she did however comment on how aggressive his behavior was towards me. My daughter says she doesn't think her Dad understands anything about health. He should do as he has seen me go through it this year. I did try and talk to him about the fatigue I get and that I was trying my best and it was unjust to speak to me like that calling me vile and lazy. His reply was you are lazy and have always been lazy. Very unjust as I worked fulltime in a very demanding job until I was nearly 40 and paid for half the house in cash from my savings before we got married. I explained that I had been through a lot this year and was doing as much as I could. The thing is I am doing most chores now and if I get tired I go to bed at 8.30pm to get around it and try and keep the fatigue under control. I am aware that stress and diet can reduce reoccurrence by a third and have been eating healthy and getting a daily walk but concerned as I feel under immense stress right now with his attitude towards me. I was so upset and annoyed when I said I would leave him, I don't want to leave him but I don't want him to treat me like this either. He was very good earlier in the year cleaning and ironing but a chat and a hug wouldn't have gone a miss. I also don't want to live with someone who feels like that about me. Life is so short and the stress is bad for my health. I have daily exercises and massage I have to do for the lymphoedema in the breast which I normally do am and pm but I am having to push myself to do it the past couple of days because this situation has got to me. My fatigue has just got worse from all this as my sleep is now also affected! Hopefully, things will improve soon! He hasn't spoke for a week since throwing the shoes.
You really don't need this now when recovering from treatment or managing side affects from treatment such as Tamoxifen. Has your partner's behaviour towards you changed since your surgery, or has he always been prone to respond in such an inconsiderate way? Throwing shoes on the kitchen worktop and at the fruit bowl sounds really rather aggressive to me. Let alone using the word vile towards you. I'm not saying there are any excuses for this (there are none)...just wondering if something else had happened to him/his world to trigger an outburst at that time?
Have you tried to gently say to him how all the treatments and complications have made you feel and physically impacted on you? It sounds like it would have been pretty obvious...but if you think your relationship with him is worth it, you could try if you haven't already? You might also want to make him aware that Tamoxifen is listed as a form of chemo-prevention in the governments NICE guidelines.
You say you would leave but for your 16 year old daughter....is his behaviour to her good? And is he rude or aggressive to you in front of her?
I hope his behaviour improves, life is too short to put up with such behaviour, let alone when you are recovering from breast cancer.
Sorry to hear of your troubles I hope that things improve for you. My husband calls me lazy and vile because I am starting to question things he says and does which I wouldnt have before. I feel I only have one go at this life at I dont need to take the carp anymore. He is quite an anti social character so although I have friends I dont see them very often. He doesnt have any friends. I have had stage 2 cancer, with a horrendous amount of complicattions radiotherapy damage and lymphoedema of breast and on continual antibiotics everyday due to numerous infections which has wiped me out. I do my best but some days the fatigue gets the better of me. The house is far from untidy but he complains. He keeps moving and hiding stuff in places my daughter and I cant find . eg her coat or shoes he says he is trying to make her learn to be more tidy. I ask him to ask her to put them away not hide them as it back fires on me all the time running around in the morning so she can catch the college bus. He wont do that and says I should put things away. He has never had much empathy or love and kindness for me. Yesterday I had had enough and told him off. He leaves his shoes in the conservatory but I guess thats Ok. So I put all 6 pairs of shoes in the hall ready to be taken to the bedrooms he came home threw her shoes on the kitchen Island and fruit bowls and told me I was lazy always had been and was a vile person like my family. He has been nasty on numerous occasions since my diagnosis of BC earlier this year complaining about the food I have made for him, putting my juicer in a cupboard I cant reach, moving my Tamoxifen tablets from the cupboard I keep them in over the kettle so I dont forget to take them. He doesnt want to be here I wish he would go rather than keep making my life a misery. I would leave but I have a 16 year old daughter so trying for her at the moment. I hate this. MEN!!!!
You would get on well with my husband as that's exactly what he wants us to do! We would be mortgage free and still be able to afford a nice house plus he's a builder so would soon be knocking it about! I'm coming around to the idea I must say 😉
Keep working on him, maybe get the place valued to show him what you could get, that's what Mike did to me 😂 Xx Jo
Apologies , I think I read it quick and as I have sons it's automatic to me to put that!
I think your probably spot on with how you have changed and him not used to you being so upfront but an experience like this teaches up how short life is and we will question why we should put up with things we previously did just for a quiet life! I've always been pretty outspoken and my husband is used to it but I'm sure I've shocked him a few times since with my outbursts!
I hope you sort things out and he comes around to your way of thinking, Men are often just a bit slower catching up with us after all! 😜 Xx Jo
A cancer diagnosis is hard on all the family and everyone deals it's with it in their own way but you are the one it happened to and no matter how hard your husband has found it you don't deserve to feel like you are being punished and also with your son following suit it must be so hard to live like this.
You sound like outside of this you have a full and happy time, I guess you've had a frank talk with hubby about how you feel? If not then I would say do so and there's is no way I would tolerate my son behaving in the same way , not a chance! Could you rope your older children in as a bit of back up with sorting your son out? Nip him in the bud now!
I know life isn't all roses but after all you've been through this is the time to pull together and appreciate that you've got through it and make the most of every day, everyone gets grumpy but when it becomes a way of life it will really drag you down, time to do what's right for you my love! Xx Jo