62236members
327647posts
cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Husband struggling

14 REPLIES 14
Member

Re: Husband struggling

Hi Ray,

Thanks, I am feeling stronger as time goes on, but it’s not been easy.

I hope things are going well for you and your wife. 

I think people can feel powerless to help when their partners get cancer. What they might not realise is that their support can make all the difference in the world.

Fenni

xx

Member

Re: Husband struggling

Hi again Fenni,

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and you've lost your husband on top of everything else.  

 

Things will get better for you, it will just take time. 

 

Take care,

 

Ray. 

Member

Re: Husband struggling

Thanks Chick, and all of you ladies xxxx

Community Champion

Re: Husband struggling

Hello again Fenni, 

Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you as a couple. I know it can be hard for partners but if your hubby can't or won't adjust then there is no point in bringing yourself down as  well.

As said before, I hope you do not lose that confidence and self belief that seemed to shine through in your original post.

Wishing you all the best for the future, 

Chick 🐥 

Member

Re: Husband struggling

I Hi Fenni11

 

What a first courageous step you took and you should be very proud of yourself to have made that first big decision and asked him to move out!! Making decisions to the benefit of your own personal wellbeing will hopefully be easier now going forward, you need to put yourself as priority number one. You shouldn’t be drained of the energy you have to be channelled to someone who thinks they are more deserving of this. You need what energy you have for your own benefit to get through what you need to get through. By the sounds of it you have taken all the right steps and underwent counselling etc, you have tried and you have not failed. Be nice and kind to yourself, wounds and scars heal and settle and will be part of who you are. My OH underwent a permanent ileostomy in his mid thirties (we are in our mid fifties now) which badly knocked his confidence and it was a hart struggle to get through, he struggled psychological with his changed body appearance for a long time, had counselling etc and I had to assure him often that it didn’t matter what he looked like, it’s the person inside I fell in love with and still love.

I just had a single mx and Diep reconstruction so we are a right matched pair! If people can’t take us for what we are then that’s their loss. 

I wish you lot of positive thoughts, it may hurt and sting at the moment and you may wonder if you find happiness again, I am a strong believer that if you have a positive view then positivity will come back to you, sending you hugs of encouragement to continue on your journey and one word of advice - be selfish xx

 

Community Champion

Re: Husband struggling

Hi Fen,

His response to what you've been through, is his problem & it sounds like he's looking for an excuse for his behaviour, as you say. 

Sadly, going through this can expose weaknesses in others, but so glad to hear you've acted on it, it can only make you stronger going forward.

In time, there's no reason there isn't someone else out there who deserves you, if that's what you want.

You go girl!

ann x

 

Member

Re: Husband struggling

Hi Ali49,

 

Thanks for replying!! It’s good to know that my thoughts on this aren’t unreasonable... 

 

He’s now moved out (my request), which has helped me feel better in one way, but in another I’m not sure my confidence can ever really recover after his rejection.

 

He thinks he has PTSD, which I hear is pretty common after cancer treatment. But he sees that as an excuse for his behaviour (which I need to accept) rather than as an explanation of how he’s reacted so that HE can change.

 

Anyway, I’m now resolved to moving forward on my own, which is daunting..

 

 Thanks for your support,

Fen xxx

Member

Re: Husband struggling

Fenni maybe get a new husband!! 

How thoughtless and selfish of him to say these things to you! 

YOU have been through all of this! YOU have lost your breasts. YOU are getting on with this. YOU have battled to stay. YOU are the one who should be receiving treats!

I am sorry if my comments are too forceful but after chemo, mastectomy and everything else that goes with this dreadful disease you deserve nothing but love and support xxx

Member

Re: Husband struggling

Please don't take this the wrong way but I could knock his block off!!! You have been through the hell of bc and this is how he awards you? My goodness he is lucky to have you. I'm afraid I wouldn't he able to pamper to him. He needs to speak to some men who have lost their beloved's to this insidious disease!!! I'm sorry I don't mean to upset you ar all but I'm raging!!😡
Member

Re: Husband struggling

Hi Chick,
I am trying to keep self confidence, and mostly I do manage, but it is difficult in the face of his reaction.
Thanks for your supportive comments
Xxx
Community Champion

Re: Husband struggling

Hello Fenni,

I know it can be difficult for partners but reading the bit about "bigger prostheses" and my empathy with your partner went down the drain somewhat.

If you are happy with how you look, and feel as good as you sound, then don't do anything, including tattoos, if you do not want them for you. You sound like you have made quite an effort to resolve matters. Perhaps your partner needs to make more of an effort and see beyond your chest.

Going tgrough a double mastectomy is not an easy feat. There is certainly more to you than your chest and I hope you never lose the confidence in yourself that you seem to have.
Chick 🐥
Member

Re: Husband struggling

Hi Bek123, thanks for your kind words xxx
Member

Re: Husband struggling

Oh Fenni11. I don’t know what to say.. after everything you’ve been through. A double mastectomy is such a huge and traumatic decision, we would only take it to stay alive. I wonder what he would have chosen if it was him? You have to do what’s best for you and if you don’t want reconstruction or a tattoo then please don’t do it. You’re not a freak - you have survived one of the toughest challenges the human body can face. And you’re still here to share. I’m sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. You’re beautiful and that’s it xxxxx
Community Manager

Re: Husband struggling

Hi fenni11,

 

Thank you for posting in our Forum, I;m sorry you haven't yet received a reply. Hopefully you will receive a response soon from one of our members. In the meantime you may like to join the sex and relationship private group and post there as well. We also have an Ask Our Nurses board where you can receive expert advice from our team or you can call our free Helpline number 0808 800 6000.

 

All the best,

 

Helena at Breast Cancer Care

Highlighted
Member

Husband struggling

Hello everyone,
I was wondering whether anyone else’s partner had struggled with their appearance after mastectomy?
It’s not my confidence, I had a double mastectomy over 2 years ago without reconstruction, and I thought I looked fine. But he doesn’t. He’s admitted that my chest “does nothing for him”, and that if I lost weight it might help (on tamoxifen I’ve put on a stone), and also that he’d prefer it if I got bigger prostheses.
We’ve been to counselling individually and together. But he just can’t bring himself to accept me as I am. He says he loves me but how can he? I am still here! But he treats me as if I’m a freak.
I really don’t want reconstruction for lots of reasons. I’ve considered a chest tattoo but I’m not sure it would help. I’ve tried lots of different underwear, taking him away for romantic weekends, the lot.
Has anyone else’s partner reacted like this? And if so, has it ever got better?
Or are there any husbands on here who can shed some light on his reaction?
Thanks all of you x