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stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)


stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hi everyone,
Have read a couple of threads on here that have made me angry today, maybe the tamoxifen?? First being that people would pretend to have cancer on this forum and another, people spying on very personal statements and heartfelt private stories, as someone else said why don’t they just ask? Made me feel sick that some people now on here feel they have to edit their feelings, how very, very sad, as I have felt relaxed and comforted by the comments I have received over the last few months.
The next rant is feelings of guilt or being made to feel guilty because you have not received chemo or not received rads, or not had a mx or had no node involvement etc. What everyone has to realise is that we all have bc . We didn’t want it, there are no feelings of superiority and we all just want to help and support one another certainly not judge or belittle others.
My friend told me a story today about two women who both had bc, one had a small tumour had a lumpectomy, rads and tamoxifen no node involvement, the other lady had a large tumour removed chemo, rads , lymph nodes removed (cancer 18/24), first lady was congratulated regarding being cured and second lady received great sympathy, turns out first lady is now terminal and second lady is living life to the full.
I think that story puts things in prospective, we all matter.

13,325 REPLIES 13,325

Oh dear. That's terribly sad about your cousin's daughter's partner. When you said he was very ill, I assumed he had been for a while, but 3 weeks? That's awful. Was it COVID-19 related? 

Car behaved beautifully getting us to our holiday cottage and I'm managing to turn it round in an odd shaped space; I'm gradually getting used to all the beeping noises from the parking sensors all round the car. 

Walked to the nearby little shop for bread and milk, this morning, (they close at 1 or 2PM every day- if they're open at all!) and when I walked back past the car, I noticed several scratch marks on the back bumper! I know I haven't put them there! Don't know if they've been there since I bought it and I've just never seen them, or if some careless ****** has done it whilst it's been parked somewhere. Ah well. It's just a car,  I've got to stop thinking about how much it cost! VERY glad I didn't let OH persuade me to buy a brand new one!!

The weather has been brilliant. Warm and sunny ‐ spent most of the time in the courtyard outside our cottage. It's not quite as idyllic as the garden where we were 2 weeks ago because we're adjoining the owners' house and they need to regularly access the shared utility in "our" courtyard. No sitting out here in my dressing gown this week! 😊 We are invited to share their lovely garden but I'm not really comfortable doing that!

Not doing very much. Couple of cafe visits for tea and cake and last night we went to the pub for dinner - probably the first time since August last year. There's an art gallery within walking distance, (even for OH!) and we went and had a browse in there on Sunday. Some nice things but nothing I would pay the eye-watering prices for (one painting was £6000!!)  When we came out, I left OH to make his way back to the cottage while I went to explore the village. Apparently, he went back in the gallery and bought something which we have to collect on Thursday. Oh lordy! I dread to think what he bought. Or how much he spent! 😱 I suspect it's my Christmas present (oops! Shh. Too soon) and his taste is VERY different to mine. Practicing my grateful face!



Hope you are having a lovely time😀 and weather is behaving. It's better at the moment here today, no sunshine but no gale force winds haha. Had to put heating on just too chilly this weekend...........

How was car journey in new car? Are you in a cottage?

Ladies who lunch, my favourite pastime...........

Jaunt into town today, not too much to do but will be happy to stroll around for a little while.

Very sad news cousins daughter's partner has died, so shocked and feel desperately sad for them all. They had just purchased a new house which he did not live in, the day of removal was the day he was admitted to hospital, she has just qualified and has a new job, they had lots of plans for their lives together and everything was falling into place. It's only just under 3 weeks since he became unwell, after so many tests, induced coma, blood transfusions, auto immune drugs and a new wonder drug, nothing worked and they still had no idea why he was so ill. I still can't believe it xx


Socks that need handwashing!! Whatever next? What are they made of..... Gold?! I bet it's just to cover themselves if they fall apart when washed: they can say "it says to hand-wash". I'd shove them in my "synthetics" or "delicates" wash (depending which was going on!) and hope for the best!

Questions, questions, questions! 😛 I've only packed the food bag so far (essentials first? 😀) because we can't get to the cottage before 5pm (FIVE ???!!! It's a good job we're not just going for the weekend!) so I can pack everything else tomorrow: we won't need to leave until at least 2:30pm. Google maps says it's a 1 1/2 hour drive, so even allowing for old anxiety pants in the back (I stay below 60mph at all times when he's in the car) we shouldn't take more than 2 1/2 - though I suspect we'll stop somewhere en route for a cuppa - from the flask if necessary. The suitcases are still out and partially packed from last week.

I've spent most of the afternoon picking the bramley apples off our tree and either wrapping them in newspaper to store in a box (only the unblemished ones) or peeling, coring and slicing them for the freezer. Tons of the bu*****. Usually, I do a few a day, as they're ready, but I knew in a week's time they'd be all fallen on the ground and bruised so I just had to go for it.  There's still quite a few left on the tree but they can just take they're chance - I've got enough stored now so we'll probably only give those ones away. 

I'll decorate my room after we get back from holiday; it will give me something to do when all the excitement is over. 

I don't think I've really registered that I'm retired as the first 6 weeks were school holidays anyway, then we've been busy with being away and sorting the car out. I do see the kids coming home from the local schools, past our house, at 3pm and realise I've barely done anything with my day! I don't know where the time goes!

Yesterday, I had lunch at a local garden centre with the other TA that retired. We had a nice egg mayo baguette and cup of tea each and a good catch up. We've promised ourselves that we'll do it once a month. Ladies who lunch! 😁


House is in complete chaos...........

Hump & Dink both residing here, help!!!

Am a little quiet here, GD is asleep and GS is at nursery, so am enjoying the moment haha.

No handbag mmmmmmm, will be tomorrow and will be out so will miss delivery, ah well what's another day.

Also purchased new socks, read the washing instructions and it states hand wash only, what?? Who hand washes their socks?

It's a very grey day here, prob same colour as your car haha.

Are you busy packing?

Do you leave late this time?

Are you enjoying your retirement?

When are you doing the bedroom? xx




Because I was at the park today, I missed postman, there was a card left saying my neighbour had parcel, so just popped up to get it 2 mins ago................

Woo hoo what a surprise and it did bring a huge smile to my face, thank you so very, very much xx

Still smiling😁!!


glad you are enjoying new car and zipping around happily😀

have been to park today with gs, he can sit for aggggggggggges just playing with sticks and stones, so found a bench and sat there watching him, he was babbling away quite the thing haha. it's tired him out cause he's been asleep for a while now, which isn't good but can't waken him up, that's just asking for trouble..........

have had reaction to cream, same one as for leg, my face is on fire haha. ed says its looking a little angry. well at least i know it's working.

ordered a new handbag, my one that i use all the time is getting a little tatty, should be here tomorrow, am all excited hee hee xx


Hurrah for tele and broadband fixed. Not sure I'd have liked to be the manager of that shop when you were on the warpath! 😛 Good you went back to say thank you.

Been out to town in new car. Couldn't find it in the supermarket carpark because I was automatically looking for a slightly smaller, scruffier, blue car. Polo is dark grey and very shiny after its full valet yesterday. It also looks bigger because the wheels are bigger so it's higher off the ground. Loving it so far, but I'm still very nervous of pranging it. At least OH decided not to come with me so that was one less anxiety to worry about!

Supermarket toilets now open again. Hurrah. Just as well... see previous about nerves! 😁

We go to the Peak District on Friday, for a week. The weather forecast, at least as far as Monday, looks good. 🤞🏼


Hurrah, have you been out and about yet? What colour is it?? Was it valeted?

Oh my gosh just makes your blood boil..................you always think what have I done?? Should I have kept old car??? Thank goodness it's all done, now you can enjoy.

When do you leave? And how long are you off for this time?


Well, ended up basically stating I was not leaving shop until something was sorted regarding tv, was on an angry roll..............

It was all fixed this morning, woo hoo, they had put cable in the wrong place. They are supposed to be installation people??

Went back into store and thanked man for getting things organised, customers do appreciate concerns taken seriously argh!!

Have GD beside me at the moment and there is a special aroma circulating.............so a change needed asap.

She is in nursery 3 days and GS is 1 & 1/2 days, hopefully your little one will be in next week. GD goes in no bother, GS screams his head off. 

Had to stop and do a change smell was a little pungent haha.

Cousins daughters partner still not ok, they now know what it is but do not know the reason why it's happening to be able to stop it. He is out of induced coma at the moment, terribly worrying xx



Car back. Shiny and clean and the tyre fixed. Let's hope it'll behave itself now. 😁🤞🏼

They didn't ring me to collect it but brought it back to my house. We were out, in Uncle Fester, collecting OH's prescription (oddly, it was the day we were going to do that, last time, that Uncle Fester wouldn't start: going to be nervous next month - I wonder what will happen then!!) and going for a little walk. Garage manager rang me to say mechanic was on his way to our house with the car. Oh no! Of course, OH can't hurry, so by the time we made it back to the car and then drove the 4 miles home, the guy was pacing about on our drive! 😀 Serves him right. They should have rung me BEFORE he set out!! 


Fingers crossed for Cousin's SIL. I hope they can help him. 

I feel your pain with regard to people not doing their jobs properly! I've just had to phone the garage and I now have my old car (Uncle Fester) back.... for the moment. 

When I collected the new car (Polo), on Saturday, the garage owner said he thought I was picking it up on Monday (today) and it hadn't been cleaned. He's a pleasant guy, not a pushy car salesman at all - the main reason I decided to buy from there - but he's a bumbling fool. Anyway, I swapped the cars and brought Polo home. I was very sad to see them take Uncle Fester away. They told me to book the car in for its full valet at my convenience. Cut to later on Saturday, as I set out for my evening walk, I noticed the front tyre looked a bit flat. Oh no! Yesterday morning it was flat as a pancake. I debated blowing it back up, or trying to put the spare on (it's YEARS since I attempted that and OH can't do it anymore - although, at first he was going to try) but I've rung the garage this morning and, within an hour, they've sent 2 mechanics out who have inflated the tyre, taken the car back to the garage and left Uncle Fester with me to use in the meantime. They'll ring me when the tyre is mended/replaced and the car valeted. Let's hope that's all the problems I'll have with it and that I haven't made the most expensive mistake of my life! 

I hope GS is better - and that he hasn't passed the bug onto GD... or you! My GD was supposed to start nursery today (delayed since April due to COVID-19) for 2 days a week, but she's all snotty so she can't go. YD and DIL both working from home at the moment so they're juggling their work and the childcare between them. Fun times. Yet again, I wish I was nearer to be able to help. 



Weather is good here today, a little windy but we have sunshine, hurrah!

Glad your OH is relaxed, makes everything soooooooooo much easier, always lovely just to get away..........

When do you pick up new car? Oooh exciting, then another holiday? you are living the life haha.

Have new tv, actually like it, horror is after paying for installation they have managed to make my system (broadband) not work properly arrrrrgh so after phoning company last night they told me I will need to contact broadband company, am not doing that so will go into shop when YD returns today. Honestly so fed up with arguing with people that can't do their job properly! 

Was a horrific day yesterday, GS screamed most of the day, he has a tummy bug and was totally out of sorts. He usually is in nursery today he is better but super grumpy so he is home with me. GD always comes here on Thurs so I have two toddlers today. Grumpy boy and angel are both sleeping hurrah! Fingers crossed they nap for a while so I can catch my breath.

Cousin's daughter's partner is seriously ill so worrying times, he's not been well on and off for a while, last week he was admitted to hospital situation has worsened so he has been transferred to another where there are specialists, it's looking awful at the moment.



So much for "weather is fab" It's persisted it down all afternoon and evening and it's quite windy now too! At least we have a solid roof over our heads not a flapping tent - even if I am sleeping on an airbed with my camping duvet because OH snores and there's only one bedroom! 

We visited the local town and mooched about the shops for a bit this afternoon, as it wasn't the weather to do much else. The kids were coming home from school in their uniforms! That was odd! 


Weather is fab. Although the breeze is a bit fiercer and fresher today, the sun is shining intermittently between fluffy clouds. I'm sat in the garden,  in my dressing gown, reading. Spent most of yesterday here too. Very different from what I'd normally be doing on the first days of the new school year!!

Part of me is sad not to be part of that team. I'm missing the camaraderie, but I'm really glad I booked this holiday because it is sooo nice to be enjoying idling about somewhere new instead of getting up early and dashing about. It doesn't feel like it's only half an hour from home; we could be miles away. Didn't even leave home until 3:30pm on Monday as we couldn't get in the cottage before 4!! Very odd way to start a holiday,  but OH is the most relaxed he's ever been on holiday. No stress at all getting here. Obviously, he's pleased I'm not going back to school and he's not got *himself* into "back to school stress mode" either.

We haven't been and won't be doing any foreign holidays. OH just couldn't handle the stress (although I'd love to do some more coach trips abroad 😐) so at least the current situation hasn't affected us that way.

Glad you're feeling better. I hope the new TV is wonderful- and not too confusing to use. Where is the bedroom tele going? In the "littlest room"? 😂

I should probably get dressed. Maybe. In a minute *picks ebook up again*😛

I'm reading Graham Norton's "A Keeper". It's brilliant.

I hope this isn't utter gibberish: I can't see what I'm typing due to the sun on my phone screen!!


Hope weather is better than we have torrential rain, yuck!

Finished book was ok nothing to write home about haha.

New tv arrives today, hurrah, am quite excited especially since I don't have to do anything........

Old tv is going into bedroom as they also laugh at size of tv in there, is it a tablet or a tv? they say cheeky or what?

Don't think there will be an abroad holiday next year either unless there are drastic changes which is extremely doubtful for the foreseeable unfortunately.

Muggatea is a calling, hope you are having fun xx




Are you there yet??? hee hee

No hedge cutting for you now, have a lovely, super duper time.

Today is the first day I have felt well, woo hoo!

Sooooooooo because you are on holiday, I went out for lunch, had to spoil myself too.

Oh my it's starting to turn chilly here, as in should I put the heating on??

My tootsies are freezing, brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Am reading The Lying Room, it's ok around 3/4 way through, have another book waiting. Nothing seems to really grip me now.................xx





Good grief! Scary! But as you say: tests and scans all clear so that's something to reassure you. I didn't know migraine could cause fainting. Perhaps you should take migraine tabs when you have "just" a headache.

Glad you're ok now.

I'm a bit wet. I cut the hedge and did some pruning in the garden and it started to drizzle (been raining on and off for days - weeks? - now) I thought "it's not much, I'll stay out here and get this finished." By the time I came in, my jeans and fleece were pretty damp but the CBA bench called and I couldn't be bothered to change. Soggy knees. 😞

I've been reading Ashley Gardner's Captain Lacey Regency Mysteries. I've enjoyed a couple of them before, and recently got a bargain Ki**** (light fire) 3-in-1 book. I made the mistake of reading 2 books, one straight after the other, and I wish I hadn't! The main character constantly getting into fights with people far stronger than him and yet still coming out relatively unscathed, despite being war-wounded and having to use a walking stick to get about, starts to grate after a bit. I can still recommend the books - one at a time- though.

To answer your previous Qs, Katy, we go away on Monday (31st) for 4 nights, then we're back home for a week and go to the Peak District for a week from Friday 11th. Cue really c**p weather! I pick up the new car in between (paid for it yesterday! Ouch!)


What a difference a day makes............

ED and GC were here yesterday, went into hallway to get something, felt a little odd, came back into living room and sat on sofa, promptly fainted. Phoned doc who asked me to get there asap, had blood tests etc then he told me to go to hospital. Long story short, after loads of tests and brain scan everything came back fine. They think it was a migraine so that may account for the other times that it's happened. Am not greatly reassured as obviously I don't want to start keeling over..............it maybe that lido is dulling pain of migraine because I think I have just a headache so am assuming I will need to take migraine tabs when I think I have a headache? It does make sense though.

On the positive all those tests and they are all good, woo hoo xx


hurrah for the new car😀, exciting stuff, glad you found one you are happy with!!!

and you did not have to trade in your OH hahaha..............

How long will you be away for and when do you leave?

Your curtains are perfect for at least 20 years, hee hee.

Try splitting it into two, may be a little easier to swallow. If it is working to keep things away, keep going, def worth it.


Well, bit the bullet, ordered larger tv, not a monster, real reason being difficulty in reading anything, could wear other glasses but can't be bothered constantly switching. Have ordered installation too so don't have to do anything, hurrah.

Boiler is finally fixed, been a total mess up that am totally fed up with grrrrrrrrrr. 

Main thing it works😀

GS who has had a lovely temperament has hit the "terrible twos" oh dear............xx



Curtains are back up. They appear to be still matching. No shrinkage. Phew!

I have put a deposit on a car today (but it should wash off? Lol) The garage will pay me £400 for my car (more than I dared hope!) and the swap is planned for Sat 5th September. I got a VW P*** "mint with a hole" or " sport on horseback". It is a lovely pebble grey colour. It's at a local family owned garage in our nearby small market town and the car is just 3 years old (same age as mine was when I had it 11 years ago) and has very low mileage, so I spent much more than I intended, but hopefully it will be worth it. Didn't even have to trade in OH!! (Though I had a panic that he had read my threat to do that: hence his change of heart) It will probably be the last car I buy.

We took it for a little tootle around town, with most of the wheelchair in the back. OH said he was OK on the small seat and thought the suspension was slightly better than the F**d (road through a river) Fi**ta (Spanish festival) I have now.

I'm glad I'm not swapping the cars until after we get back from our holiday, next week, though, because the cottage is up a very narrow road. I'd be having heart palpitations at the thought of scraping that lovely shiny paintwork!

I hate massive TVs too. My "rule" is that, if you're watching the news, for example, the person on screen should not be bigger than if they were in the room in person. But I'm considered VERY old fashioned for that! I hate the cinema because it's all too big and too loud.

I suddenly seemed to have developed an inability to swallow the pesky Tapoxyfen. What's that about? Been taking it no probs for 8 years and now it takes me several attempts to get the da** thing down. I take 2 calcium tablets, each twice the size of Tapoxyfen, both at once, in the morning. Straight down, no bother. The last few nights it's taken 9 or 10 swings of water to finally swallow the T. tablet. Now it's becoming a psychological issue. And it tastes FOUL when it stays stuck to my tongue. Yuck!



Have you managed to hang curtains? Are they same colour? Do they look fabulous?

You will find a car, something will just be right for you, laughed at you getting rid of OH............Am still perplexed over river road etc, am terrible at these.

ED has a 4 door C***A, her second one, she loves them because reliable and they are spacious especially boot as pram goes in easily, might be worth a thought. Also not a big, big car.

It's always the same, the tabs that work best are the ones that have the worst side effects, grrrrrrrrrr. Hopefully all goes well, fingers crossed.

It's a bit chilly here tonight, am listening to podcast and just faffing around, enjoying the quiet before everyone appears here tomorrow.

Had a quick look at tv's today, my children laugh hysterically as my tv is the smallest they have ever seen.......really???? It's only cause their ones are huge. So will see, still don't want a massive one. xx



WeeeeeeeHooooooo!! No more skin C. Time to paaaarty!

We've been to look at cars today so OH could see how comfy they are. He has to sit in the back because he gets too nervous in the front. The back seats of small hatchbacks - or, indeed, any hatchback, ie: practical car - aren't especially comfortable or spacious. We also need to accommodate the folded wheelchair (even though he refuses to use the ****** thing 99% of the time!) I wish I could just keep the car I've got but I think it's going to get too expensive to keep on the road. The new version of the same car (Road going through a river and a Spanish festival) has things I don't like and the shape is more sloping at the back so I think we'll struggle to get the w.chair in. I'd really like another small hatchback (2 adjacent letters close to end of alphabet and a mint with a hole!) as I love the look and feel of them. I loved the one I had 12 years ago, except I bought a dodgy model with awful electrical problems. Unfortunately, the back seat of this car splits the opposite way, meaning to get the w.chair in, OH has to either sit behind me or squashed onto the single seat. Neither of which he wants. Grrr. Back to the drawing board. I'm already sick of thinking about cars! May have to think about getting something bigger like a (game played with clubs) or a (what your eyes need to do to see). Or maybe just ditch the OH??! 

Finally got my velvet curtains cleaned. It's only been 20 years! (what a tramp?) We have a big picture window and patio doors in our living room, so these curtains are huge. (And horribly expensive when I bought them!) Every year, I've promised myself I'll get them cleaned. Every year I end up just hoovering them. This year I actually got around to it!! I risked washing the slightly smaller pair, one curtain at a time, on the "silk hand-wash" cycle on my washing machine then a very light spin and drip dry on the line. I got away with it, although for a scary while, when it was wet, I thought I'd turned it into crushed velvet! Noooo! The bigger curtains were too big to go in the machine - they'd definitely get crushed, may even break the machine because they're sooo heavy, so I took them to be dry cleaned £35! (glad it wasn't both pairs!!) I picked them up today. Staggered across town, with them draped across my arms like a dead body in a plastic bag, to the car. They look fab. Not sure they're the same colour as the washed ones: I haven't braved taking them out if the plastic and re-hanging them yet. They're heavy. I hate hanging curtains. I'm tired. They're draped over 2 armchairs. I'll deal with them tomorrow. As YD so cheekily (but probably truthfully) commented: that's that job done for another 20 years. 

Parkinson's nurse rang today. She advised OH to see GP because he's put on loads of weight round his middle, gets slightly out of breath and has swollen feet and ankles. This is most likely oedema, a SE of one of his tablets that he recently increased - the one that's made him so much better! But PD nurse says he needs to be checked out. That's a hassle we could do without and it's made him grumpy... and he wasn't in a great mood before that conversation! 

The weather has been pants this week: I don't think the weather gods got the memo that our caravan holiday was cancelled!! 



Appt was all of them haha.

C gone from leg, woo hoo, sun damage face and lips so cream to be applied, all very good news.

Am skipping through Benchland.............xx


Ooooh so many plans................and all good ones too😀

We have done "the lodge" twice now, very spacious plenty of room for 5 adults and 2 children and you do not feel cramped at all. Soooooooo perhaps you can find a lodge for you all?? They have dishwashers, washing machines etc etc.

Great you know what you are after regarding car, now just the hunt to find it haha.

YD has been on train twice now and she says you are very separated from others, they are putting on large trains so there is a lot of room, she has traveled outwith peak times though. I am not feeling it at the moment haha.

Bought an ornament I really love, large lady in a swimming costume, makes me smile every time I look at it.

Appt tomorrow, just talking not a video call, thank goodness. Won't know until they speak to me what it's about............leg is still hanging on hee hee xx




Still at home. Still sulking. I have managed to book us a week in the Peak District for the middle of September and YD has promised to take us to the seaside as soon as we feel it is safe to get to Norwich on the train (will that ever happen??!) It's not the same as spending a week 10 minutes walk from the beach, but it'll have to do. Hopefully, OH will still be able to travel next summer and we can book the caravan again then. 

I've spent hours scouring car websites and I think I know what I want. It's just a case of finding it in the right condition, age, price and colour.... not necessarily in that order!! Then I look at my car and I get upset at the thought of parting with it. I love it and it's been so reliable - so far! I also hate spending money, especially as I know I've had my last pay check and my pension will be rubbish for the next 6 years! I have enough savings, but if I spend too much on a car, I'll be terrified of driving it!

The girls went camping at the weekend, just 30 minutes from their house as they needed to take both cars due to that massive tent which we bought when ours was destroyed in Anglesey in 2016 and then gave to them. GD absolutely loved camping, despite the rain; kicking a ball about the field and making friends with other families on the site. YD has had to put the wet tent up in their garden and sort all the other stuff (whilst they're both back at work, from home) so she says they've had 4 hours work for every hour spent camping. Maybe it'll seem worth it, in hindsight, once everything is put away!

They have plans to find a campsite in the Midlands-ish that has a Static Caravan, lodge or cottage for hire so we can holiday together next year; them in a tent (new, not quite so enormous and with a "new" bigger car so they can all travel together) and us under a roof. I'd LOVE that but I expect it'll be tricky to organise.

I've spent the last week meticulously repairing a big patchwork beanbag cushion I made as a teenager. Every time I thought I'd replaced every worn out, ripped patch, I found another one! In the end, I've practically re-made the whole d*** thing. By hand. It should last a few more years now.

Has your leg dropped off yet, Katy? Any effects - side or otherwise - of the cream. When is your virtual appointment? (hahaha it's just occurred to me that we Benchlanders have been excelling at virtual meetings and entertainments long before all this Covid-19 malarkey!! 😁


It never rains but it pours..................

Aaaah so disappointing for you, fingers crossed you have found somewhere??

New car is exciting though and if someone is helping you all the better. It's always mixed feelings because if they have been a good car it's sad to make the decision to let them go but when they start to cost money, that's a different story. You can always get new car and paint next week haha.

Have spent most of the morning on the phone, there are a lot of places that find it impossible to do their job correctly even the simplest of things, so infuriating, grrrrrrrrrrr. Am hoping things are sorted now but who knows?? They tell you it's done then you find out it's not, back to square one AGAIN.

GS is better going into nursery now, just a little whimper, they were outside most of yesterday and playing with water, that would be his best day ever.

Think YD maybe staying a little longer this week so am going to suggest a takeaway tonight, she won't need much persuasion haha.

Tonight is last night, can you believe that's 6 weeks??? There is one bit that is ever so slightly redder apart from that, well who knows?

is it chippie night JCJ or are you gone?? xx



Glad you had a good lunch. 

We had lots of lightning and some thunder last night but only a little rain.

Eventful day today (yesterday actually, I suppose as it's after midnight now). On Tuesday, we tried to set off to pick up OH's prescription and have a couple of hours away from the house, somewhere shady because it's been sooooo hot. Got in the car. Wouldn't start. Battery OK because it's firing but engine just not kicking in. Oh no! Due to go on holiday on Sunday. That's all we need.

I was about to phone breakdown company (not the one with the same initials as Alcoholics Anonymous, the other big one) and upgrade our cover to "at home", when I remembered that the teacher (and friend) I've worked with for the last 2 years has a boyfriend who is a mechanic. He agreed to come and look at the car for me. Friend came too, for a chat. Couldn't fix it immediately so he came back Wednesday, after work, with his tools and eventually fixed it (by smacking something under the car: fuel pump apparently). He says it'll probably be OK now, or fuel pump could fail completely "in 10 years or 10 minutes". Lovely! He said we should be OK to go on holiday on Sunday in it but suggested that we think about changing the car before too long as it's starting to rust. That's a task I'm not relishing, but he's agreed to come with me when I go to buy something so I'm not ripped off. I had to force them to take £20 payment - I told them to get something for the house they're buying.

Hurrah. Should be able to go on holiday (closes car hire website) 

Cut to later, I'm panting in the heat in the garden and I get a phone call from caravan owner. We can't go! 😢😞😡 Apparently, they told the site owners they weren't hiring it out this year, as they intended to stay in it themselves. Because one of them had to go home for a cataract op. - and I enquired about it - they decided to let it to me. Site owners say they can't due to Covid-19 rules. She said she'd spent an hour ringing round all her friends on the site to see if anyone else had a van for us, but no joy. Boohoo! Allegedly my cheque is being posted back to me. I hope so and it wasn't all a scam. 

I've just spent the last 4 hours trying to find somewhere else, either for next week or in September, after we come back from Calke Abbey. Nothing anywhere for next week but I've found a few places for 11th September, but none of them are Conwy next week, and that's what I want. Having a bit if a toddler tantrum about it all. I was sooo looking forward to seeing the sea after I thought we wouldn't be able to; first because of OH's ******* PD, then because of the ******* Coronavirus. What a flippin roller coaster!!

Ah well. I've saved some ideas and I'll sleep on it and make a decision tomorrow. Perhaps spend the week car hunting instead. 😕



Have just written loads, it didn't auto save grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

So now a condensed version, we had a really lovely lunch, think it was because I haven't been out out since March, place was very busy but we were all socially distant. Steak panini and a massive dessert oooh..........

Thunderstorms were incredible here last night, started around 11 and went for hours have never seen anything like it, did a lot of damage too. We have a waterway just in the front, it's also a flood prevention thing.........it's prob around 10 feet high and usually water is maybe 1-2 feet deep, this morning it was 9 feet deep, ducks were in shock, as were we. xx


Hahaha just giggling to myself, how can such a very small person wreck and disrupt everything???

Soooooooo lovely you had them all with you and it's great realistically that you can visit at anytime now. Will make a huge difference. It's amazing GD signing, does she still eat well?

Oooh yummy have not had bread and butter pudding for a hundred years............

ED was saying that superly expensive places are very cheap just now too.

When are you going? How long for?

Have been playing catch up this weekend, lots of tidying up, even ironed, woo hoo.

Am not liking my hair at all because even though it has been cut it's still in that in between stage, yuck.

Another week to go, has gone very slightly pinker so have absolutely no idea if it's doing something now or not?

Have a telephone call appt next week, don't know if it's leg or lip??? Will just have to wait and see, so lots of don't knows??

Will get ED to photo everything haha.

My boiler is still not fixed.....................waiting for parts.

Lunch out today, hurrah, and then some shopping.

Loved colour of tin too, will you paint after all your holidays? xx




Well we've had a lovely, but completely exhausting weekend, but the girls are back at their home now so it's gone very quiet. 😞 GD is completely adorable. She and her mummies have been learning TinyTalk sign language so GD can communicate quite well. She certainly shows the "finished" sign whenever she's not going to eat any more of her (own) dinner or she's had enough of a game. She's got a wicked sense of humour and an endearing giggle but we managed to stop her either wrecking the place or hurting herself. The stairs were a worry, because, unlike at their house, we have no stair gate. GD can climb the stairs but she can't come back down: she blankly refuses to come down backwards, wanting to walk down forwards like the adults, but of course her legs aren't long enough!

I'm on the very sad bench, that they live such a long trek away, but as soon as it is safe to use the trains again, we can go and visit - don't even have to wait for half term now! 

I have managed to book us a week away next week, in a caravan in North Wales. It took me a aaages to find somewhere; everywhere was booked up, so I was just going to wait until mid September once the schools are back, and we're back from our 4 night stay in a nearby National Trust cottage, but OH was disappointed because we've ALWAYS gone away in August. Fingers crossed that it will be OK - it was ridiculously cheap, for August, near the sea, and let's hope OH can cope with the journey! 🤞🏼

Is your 6 weeks up now, Katy, or have you got one more to go? I can't remember. Any sign of it working? Any news on the lip?

Roast pork dinner - with lots of crunchy crackling - and bread and butter pudding in the shed. Also some scones, jam and clotted cream because it's been too hot to eat as much as I thought we would! Enjoy. 


What are you like? You plonker, throwing away your Lynn sleeve! I hope the new one comes soon. Don't get it mixed up again!

DIL sent me a photo of GD rifling through the spice cupboard, in their kitchen, selecting different jars. She said they could end up with some interesting flavour combinations! I suggested she make sure the lids were on securely or they'd have some interesting colour combinations on the floor too!

We went to a shop today because OH needed some art materials (large, sell everything shop apparently named after an old fashioned cooker or a shooting place). I looked at the paint colours for when I decorate my little bolt hole/bedroom. I've promised myself it will be my first retirement project and I'll do it in the autumn once the weather's too rubbish to be in the garden. The room is still the dark grey ES chose, and it must be more than 10 years since he's lived here!

The tin of biscuits (the actual tin, not the biscuits!) you bought me is exactly the colour I want to go with the new jade (teal?) Curtains and bedding I've bought, so I'll take it with me when I actually buy the paint.

Don't know about retail therapy! I still find it very stressful, especially with OH, having to queue and wear a mask - although I am getting used to that, even though it does keep steaming up my glasses!

Hadn't noticed the title had gone, but I was expecting it to. I did feel I didn't really deserve it as I don't very often comment on any other threads these days, which I feel a bit guilty about (wheeee! Splash! There you go alligators. Snack time!) and I didn't see the point in joining the special private group.



Am going out for lunch next week, first time since March, hurrah!

Made booking, we will have our temperature checked before being allowed in, strange times indeed.

Forgot to say when I was having a clearout a couple of weeks ago, I threw all old lynn garments in the bin, can you guess??? Yes I threw out new one, honestly couldn't believe it put on what I believed was correct one and my arm felt as though it was being strangled. Phoned clinic very apologetically, new ones should arrive soon🙈 sooooooooooooo embarrassed..............

It has never stopped raining here today and I had to go out twice, so drenched both times.

GS loves camel JCJ, brought it out for him to see and he has hugged it non stop.

Did you notice we have been stripped of our title??? xx



That's really lovely to have all your girls very soon, something to look forward to. Gosh you are sooooooo right about lifting EVERYTHING from those little hands.

GS loves books and takes them out of the bookcases on a regular basis and I had fake moss at the botom of my tree and he found that, what a mess..............so it's all removed and hidden until he is older haha.

GD loves kitchen cupboards, everything she shouldn't touch she touches haha. You will need eyes in the back of your head. 

Soooooooooo does that mean the shed will be plentiful?? Yum yum.

No hot water here grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, hopefully will be sorted tomorrow am trying hard not to be too angry, grrrr.

And it's freezing cold.............no glorious sunshine here.

Am reading a new book by an author I like but just plodding through it, a disappointment.

Think it's me haha.

Week 5, still nothing happening xx



I've deleted the strange extra "MRe" bit that mysteriously appeared in the subject line a while ago: it's been bugging me! 

Glad you've got your decor sorted at last...... until you decide you need a change from orange? 😛 *ducks to avoid flying missiles* hehehe 

Great news about lido staying local and I hope the nausea is improving now. 

Car aircon is fixed: it's a hot sunny day today but my drive home was blissfully chilled! They also fixed my brake light but didn't charge me for it because the aircon technician was on his own and didn't know how to bill me for it. I'm not complaining! Especially as the aircon regas was 20% off, this month, too.

I had a coffee in my favourite café - well outside it actually - while I was waiting. They've used the time while they were closed to redecorate. It's lovely and fresh. Looking forward to a time when it will be less stressful to go in and enjoy a leisurely cuppa/breakfast. 

Brilliant news from YD, yesterday: they're coming to visit the weekend after next. Yay! I'm soooo excited. GD a LOT more mobile than last time they were here, last C*******s, so we are going to have to shift some **** out of reach to keep her safe. (Most of it is OH's ****, of course! You should see the state the "guest room" is in now that he uses it as a study/craft room/escape room. The desk is covered in stuff, so he has had to start using the bed as a desk. Now that's completely covered too and he's encroaching onto the (expensive, solid wood and bought specifically by me) bedside tables and the windowsill. Grrr! Did I mention, at all, that he's getting on my nerves?!)

Yet another Thursday without swimming. I wonder where I'll walk tonight. I'm impressed with myself that I've walked for an hour ever week since lockdown started: it's a good job I didn't know just how many weeks it would be!! I'm a bit fed up of the same old walks from the house: done them all at least twice in each direction. Still, I shouldn't complain: I'm lucky I live near a canal and fields so there are several options. 


C shopping JCJ???? 

Can't believe it, hahahaha😂

Wooooo garden pot sounds very pretty...........

Our weather hasn't been great so it doesn't really matter about your air con fix..........

Did have hair cut but as am now growing it a little longer it's tidy, not in the style I am after yet but I can see which is a bonus haha.

Lido was yesterday, went well and looks like it will be here permanently hurrah. Had an accident with canula and blood and lido was spilling out all over the place, yuck.

Was feeling very nauseous last night, cream is making me feel sick so with the lido on top it was a double dose, a little better now still can't face food. Good news finger pains disappeared almost immediately😄

Went over road today and found orange cushions after a two year search (am I so fussy???) so I think that's me done with house things.

GS is finally walking, what's he like?? We weren't worried, then we were worried, whew!! xx



Fingers crossed about lip thing and glad you're not experiencing horrors with the leg cream (I hope you're still not!) I hope it's working. 

BANG!! That light bulb going off must have made you jump. Did you think the retirement party fireworks had started already? 🎉😁

Is it this week you get your haircut and, at long last, lido? Hurrah. You'll be able to walk about with less pain.... and see where you're going! 😛

I'm sorry but I've done something which will cause the summer to end on Thursday: I've booked the car in to have the aircon fixed! Cue unseasonably cold - and probably wet - weather for the foreseeable future! 

I've been busy reorganising my garden to accommodate the plants given to me by parents and colleagues. I spent my garden centre voucher on a beautiful blue pot to put the lilac plant in and moved another pot somewhere else to make room for it. Now I've just got to keep the plants alive! Already had to throw away my bouquet of flowers 😢 because they didn't last very well at all. They'd started to wilt after just a couple of days and by yesterday I could no longer pretend there were any flowers still alive. And yes I did put water in the vase!

Started my C-word shopping! Online, of course. Bought 2 books for GD. I'd seen them in the school library, when I was cataloguing all the new books. They were brilliant so I decided to get them for GD. Just got to hope she hasn't already got them in her extensive collection! Also bought a weekly pill box for OH's tablets because I'm sick of fiddling with the homemade one he cobbled together from a pencil tin and 7 mini rolls of tape; the tablets (11 every evening) keep spilling everywhere! Also some plant pot feet for the new pot. And a cookbook for a house warming gift for the teacher I worked with who's buying her first home with her BF. Lots of parcels to arrive soon. It'll be just like C-word! Yay! 

Spending money like it's going out of fashion - while I've still got some: last ever pay cheque on Friday 😱 and my school pension is peanuts with another 6 years to wait for my state pension (or more, as they'll probably increase the age again?!)

Probably should go and get dressed. Or not. *goes to put kettle on again*


My, you have impeccable taste JCJ, hat and bag are sooooooooooo beautiful.

Had to laugh regarding your OH, you are funny! 

Many long, long days ahead😀 haha.


I am on my own, hurrah! Nipped into town to pick up new slippers and some odds and ends, came home munched breakfast then started a "proper" clean up, did bedrooms and bathrooms, knock at the door it's ED and family, hurrah. 

Now house is finally tidy............

Thing on cheek nothing to worry about, lip slightly different both pics being sent to dermatology.

Still nothing regarding leg!

Finally found orange lamp shades, it's been a long haul, plenty to see but just couldn't justify the prices, very expensive indeed. Walked into nearby store and there they were, purchased 2 and put them up yesterday. All pleased with myself short while later heard a bang, light bulb crashed onto the floor smashing everywhere arrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Obviously didn't check it properly arrrrrrrrrrgh so hoover out, went over and over area about 40 times, finally glass free. Checked and double checked bulb was in correctly this time, that'll teach me, grrrrrrrrrrr.

Away to pop into shower for a freshen up, feet up thereafter, takeaway tonight, curry methinks leftovers in the shed later xx



We will look a. maze. zing! 






 This is the jacket, am loving it😀 xx


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 I just love your dress, it is beautiful and truly fitting for the occasion.

The shoes? Had already picked these so am now in a complete quandary.........what will I do?

Just handbag, jacket and maybe hat, not sure about tiara this time as it's your special moment xx


I've found my outfit too!


 Can't wait to wear that to Rita's!! I'll team it with the same shoes as yours, only in red. 😂😂😂😂


Hahaha Katy, that really made me laugh. Thank you. Just what I needed. I've found this week difficult. No holidays booked for July/August - for the first time ever when I was looking forward to MORE holidays. Also, OH is already getting on my nerves and the thought of this being the rest of my life....!

I hope you are going to get the tattoos to go with the frock? I've found the perfect shoes to complete the look:


 high heel crocks! Perfect!



 I found the dress, woo hoo!!! xx


ooooh yucketty yuck yuck................fleas................

Never knew that JCJ, will never feel the same about a hedgehog again, did know they had fleas but had no idea that could happen..........

GS was bitten a few weeks ago, only on his face around 20 bites so whatever it was, it had a field day!

Thank you for dinner, roast beef is my fav.

Sounds similar to YD's birthday celebrations but they were not in a real pub haha.

You will def be busier and will wonder how on earth you managed before, it's oh so true.

Purchased some very lifelike artificial trailing plants, love them they are so realistic but none of the work, living room resembles a garden now, cause remember I have that tree. Once everyone goes home will be able to see what everything looks like properly.

Hair done on Mon, can't wait, it's been a long time coming, my hair will soon be the length of yours haha.

A party?? woo hoo, what shall we wear?? It'll have to be something extra special.

It's not chemo cream this time, Prof was only going to give me this cream for 3 weeks at 3 times a week dose because of how people tolerate it, so she changed her mind and said only if I can manage it, what the heck??? At the moment I am feeling nothing..........

Went into town today, so busy haha, not used to it at all after all the quietness, am feeling the effort of walking though, it'll soon be better, hurrah. xx


10 days down, 20 to go, Katy, you're a 1/3 of the way through. Hang in there! Is it like RT that the SEs continue for a while after treatment ends? Docs always warn you of the worst SEs - I remember them terrifying me when I had my trigger thumb op - it doesn't mean you'll get them all! I have my fingers crossed. Remember what my doc said about HT: "Don't LOOK for SEs, or you'll find them!" Good advice. 

Fattening up the alligators ready for my retirement party, but I'll wait until your chemo is finished so we can celebrate that as well at the same time! 🤞🏼😁

Roast beef dinner in shed along with mixed berries (including our own handful of blackcurrants off the birthday bushes!) raspberry sorbet, ice cream, shortbread biscuits and chocolate sauce. I might spare 1 or 2 of the strawberry and white choc biscuits to sh...sh...share. Or not! 😛

YD's birthday (33! How did that happen?) last Friday, so they are in a pub garden today - for the first time in a very long time - to celebrate. They were going to have friends round to their garden for a BBQ but they've had an infestation of fleas! Fleas! Of all things! Apparently, they've come off a hedgehog and survived in the long grass (a patch left deliberately as it's better for wildlife. Too much better, obviously!) Both DIL and GD susceptible to bites so they've not been able to go in the garden until YD cut the grass and burned it. Problem seems to be sorted now but too late to send invites.

I didn't do my usual Sunday chores of stripping the bed and ironing. I decided they can be done on a Monday now; it's a bit of a mad dash with getting the dinner and going out somewhere for a "walk". However, I've just realised that the lawns usually get mowed on a Monday and I'm desperate for a supermarket shop, so I'll probably go tomorrow instead of Tuesday. Going to have to pace myself: can't do EVERYTHING tomorrow. What will I do for the rest of the week/month/my life?! Lol. 

Oh yes, must book the car in to have the air con fixed too. Busy. Busy. Busy. Snzzzzzz. 


Enjoy everything now, no alarms, no enforced commitments..................

Pottering around garden, reading, baking and having the time to actually do what you want when you want to do it................as long as there is a dinner in the shed each week haha.

Sounds really lovely, lots of thought went into it all, am so glad you did have a proper "send off".

MMU def, though goodness only knows when? but we do at least have a plan, we will be there!!

Have GS here, YD celebrated her birthday yesterday with friends, only slightly postponed. A fake pub was set up in friends back garden and they had a barbeque. She comes back tomorrow, early as she is missing her "little monkey".

Treatment..........bit nauseous now and then, it's so far making no difference to mark at all, says should see something happening in 2-3 weeks, week 3 is Mon, my skin erupted with chemo cream literally haha.

See what goes on next week, prof gave me so many warnings am assuming there is a lot worse to come?

I don't know..............xx




It's done. I'm now a lady of leisure! Better reinforce the CBA bench - and make the FB bench even wider due to all the biscuits and chocolates I've been given!!

Yesterday, was very emotional. The last day with Y6 always is, but this year, as both their teacher and I were leaving too, it was even more so, especially with the added weirdness of Covid-19. We couldn't have the usual leavers' assembly so we all stayed in our classrooms and had one over Zoom. So strange. There was another TA retiring too: she's been there for 27 years, and they put together a montage of video and written messages from the kids, both in school and at home, wishing us luck and thanking us for our help. It was incredibly moving and even more special because of the extra effort involved. During the Zoom assembly, we were each presented with a large bouquet of flowers (by the other adult in our respective Covid "bubbles") and a card signed by all the staff, whilst all the other staff and children cheered and waved on the screen. More tears. My card was a picture of silly knitted toys. They know me so well!!

I had lots of gifts and cards from colleagues and kids, despite the message going out that they shouldn't be allowed due to risk of infection!

So now the great void looms ahead. I unplugged my alarm clock last night: now I can plug in both my phone and tablet at the same time! Such decadence?! We have nothing booked for the summer as everything is still so uncertain - if it was up to me I'd be driving to Norfolk, to see the girls, some time in the next few days, but that's not going to happen! - but we have booked a cottage Monday to Friday of the first week of September, so we will be away when I would have been going back to work. That will, hopefully, make a difficult time easier to cope with.

In the evening, I had a surprise visit from a teacher who retired from our school years ago, who lives just around the corner from me (but I never see her). She brought me a lovely retirement card and vouchers, for two adults, for a local hall and gardens and a cream tea. I was soo surprised!

Thank you, KTC, for your card and gift. I will treasure them (once I've scoffed the biscuits!) I am really hoping we can do another MMU before too long. I hope your treatment is going OK. xx


Ooooh yummy yum, all eaten thank you😀

The beach?? How lovely.............we are all still on holiday, NOT, doubt if I will be near one this year, hopefully "magic Nana" will be building sandcastles very soon.

It's worth a thought JCJ, keep you in the loop, maybe one day a week? or even a half day??

This week is kinda exciting for you, the end is near and you will be free to do what you want when you want, well socially distancing and/or mask wearing................

I tried making the non sewing mask, mmmmmmmmmm, went to a shop nearby and found some really pretty masks so am well pleased. Everyone is wearing them here.

Face cream has finished and looks maybe slightly less red. Bought a super duper magnifying mirror so I could see mark more clearly, awkward because it's where the legs/arms of my glasses are, so I can now see it better, have also found a mark on my lip so am phoning doc either tomorrow or day after. ED has taken pics.

The good news, my lido appt is at the end of the month, woo hoo!!!

And am having hair sorted the day before, double woo hoo.

It's ok but fringe is in my eyes constantly haha, am hoping it's long enough for a new style, exciting!

Oh the beauty of having long hair JCJ.........xx


Roast chicken dinner in the shed and woodland fruit strudel (bought) with raspberry sorbet and ice cream. 

I got everything ready to cook on the timer, so we could go out, as usual, then he didn't want to go out! I pottered in the garden (lovely sunshine today) and made some face masks for us just in case we need to use public transport - or Boris declares we need to wear them in shops! OH had a bit of a panic wearing his for 30 seconds, so I can't see him coping on a train journey for 4 hours, yet he's still suggesting we go over to Norfolk soon! I'd drive, but he wouldn't cope with the long journey on fast roads - doesn't even like the A5: our local main road!! 

My back is OK now, thank you, although it shouts at me from time to time when I bend or twist but then decides it's alright again! 

I'm in a weird mood tonight because it's the last week of term. My last week. Normally, I'd be all excited with only 5 more "get ups" before the big holiday with trips booked to look forward to. I'm looking forward to not setting the alarm - ever again - but otherwise it's a bit "meh" as we've nothing booked and I'm dreading saying "goodbye" to everyone! School wants me to go back as a volunteer, in the library, and I'd like to, but OH is not keen on the idea; it can't happen in September anyway because visitors will not be allowed as social distancing will still be in force. We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I hope your treatment is going OK, Katy. At least you have distractions with YD and GS staying with you. Enjoy their company. 

My YD sent me photos of the three of them on the beach yesterday. I'm so jealous. YD said she is going to make it her mission to "Get Magic Nana to the beach soon." 😁🤞🏼