stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

[RevCat]

Glad all went well Katy - hope the waiting list is not too long for her.

Dark at 5p.m.... by 4:30 here today and rain, we were building arks yet again.

FF I am sure your floors positively gleam after you've polished them.

Hope everyone is OK... just brought in a new batch of freshly ironed lacy hankies and some extra spoons, ladles and spurtles. 🙂

[katytc]

Still raining here and pretty cold, not a night for guising, all went well at hos only there for around an hour, sooooooo glad to be back home, went to chippie for tea and feet up for the rest of the night!! Also managed a pack of sweets, ta"poxy"fen belly getting bigger by the moment, boo hoo!!
When is the next party??????? Need something lively and fun to do, good excuse for that medicinal gin! xx

[foxyferret]

The Woodies are turning a blind eye to the Gin because they're trying to hide the Winter Pimm's from us!! We shall find it!! Then.........because we're all in this together ......we shall share it. In this virtual world there's always enough to go around.

Been polishing school floors again today,so on the knackered bench. It's just soul destroying....I try so hard to keep then looking good but they'll be ruined again in three weeks. Still, if pupils/teachers didn't make a mess I wouldn't HAVE a job..(which I do actually love although I moan about it). Having Friday off so a long weekend for me.

Rained here today off and on and I can't yet believe that it's dark at 5.00pm. Where's that torch?

[applestreet]

Hiya..benchlanders are welcome to the gin in the JM..as I keep saying..it's medicinal..a little of what you fancy does you good..and goodness knows...what with the weather..people being a desparately sad situation..and having to cancel your hol..well..gin all round for us all..It's coming down in needles in the Nwest today..hope it clears up for the trick or treaters after dark...

[katytc]

vercors, an understatement of a bad day, good grief how terribly, terribly sad.
Ali that's a lot for anyone!!
Well, it's pouring with rain here, a dreary grey day! yuck I hate the rain!
Off up to hospital today with daughter, for pre assessment, letter says could be a couple of hours, just have to wait and see, because her op is not urgent there is a 12 week waiting list. We have her date beg of Jan, I can see her being taken earlier ie Xmas, that would just be her luck!
Am on the "wasting time" bench until we need to leave xx

[Ali_H]

Thank you for patrolling ST, and for sending a sleep fairy my way. Now, off to yoga...and rads...and some work, if I can fit it all in

[RevCat]

Hugs for you ST. Here - take the GIN back where it belongs, we only had a teeny sip each. Chuck all those negative feelings in the lake, where the alligators can consume them.

I love that we are watched by the all-seeing Woodies! I really ought to pop into the woods sometime soon for a wander and to kick up the leaves. I will come bearing cupcakes as a peace offering!

Now got to go and do some work or my guilt levels will rise 🙂

Bestest for all being nuked, and hugs for all who need them

[supertrouper]

Hello, I am on walkabout tonight, patrolling the area with Buggerit and FECKIT sniffing out any sleep fairies and healthy newts. Also looking for the GIN that is missing from the JM bar. Found some rather snappy alligators today - going to leave them alone for now. Might get brave tomorrow and turn them into Alyburgers.
Pumpkins have been carved, sweets are wrapped, full moon last night - bit wobbly again but hope it settles soon.
Heading off back to my tent in the woods. No alligators in there.
Night x

[jellytot83]

Rev, us woodies are always looking, we just turn a blind eye to it coz we're super nice 😉 xx

[RevCat]

Goodness me Vercors, what a day. Poor, poor families, and poor, poor people who were so desperate. Having lived next to a train driver to whom this happened, and how it affected him, I feel for the two train drivers too. There is nothing I can say, except how deeply sad it is. Awful about hurricane Sandy too.

Now, pull up a bench and help yourself to some of our plentiful supplies of goodies... I *think* we even have some GIN nicked from the JM when the Woodies weren't looking! Sounds like you could do with some. Big hugs.

[vercors]

Hi Ladies, past few weeks have been hectic! So I have been a lurker, no time to post but keeping au fait with the parTies in benchland. I need a good halloween party to cheer me up. Today has not been a good day, i need to be cheered up. Started this morning on my way to London someone jumped in front of a train near Didcot and then again (obviously not the same person) someone jumped in front of another train in the London suburbs. I feel for the relatives of those poor souls desperate enough to resort to this. Before cancer I would have been upset but because they would have disturbed my day, today I just felt sad for them.
Tonight, we had to cancel ourntrip to New York. I would have loved to go ton the big apple, I am disappointed, but manage to put things in perspective. So many lives have been wrecked by Sandy.
Quail, get yourself a portacath fitted, it will make your life so much easier.

[applestreet]

Oh Ali..I'm glad your hair has grown nicely...even if people keep patting it..the last time I saw what passes for my "hair" now...was on a wildlife programme featuring little owls and chickens..it's not even straight anymore..it's gone all curly and yukkkk!!!!!!!....on a lighter note..I have been shopping today with my little grandson..ON MY OWN...da daaa!!!.. it doesn't sound much but it's the first time in 12 months I have felt confident enough to go by myself..usually have ED or YD or OH to accompany me..one small step on the road to normality..Eve..I'll tell you what i always say to anyone who finds themselves with a messy..whatever...the housework police have gone on strike this week so IT'S OK TO HAVE A MESS!!..enjoy a sitdown and put up your feet..you've not been well....

[Ali_H]

Your poor veins Quail xx
Can matron do it first next time? All that fiddling around is so painful

[Quail]

Oh, Ali, first cursing in Benchland, now badmouthing the perfect son-- but how lovely, I'll bet one bite will drive all thoughts of guilt out of your head.
They had to call in the Big Guns for my herceptin--the Matron came, gave my pitiful little veins the evil eye, and (after two tries from the others) got it in the first time, no messing. But it took three hours, and after walking home in the rain I'm on the cba bench--completely knackered. I'm feeling a curry for dinner if OH doesn't want to cook.

[Ali_H]

Bit of guilt to throw in the lake here.....
No delays in rads today (wow!) so texted son to see if he fancied meeting me in town for lunch. No reply, so another text....still no reply, so a "hmmmph, talking to myself again" text was sent. Get home to find he was making me some millionaires shortbread as a surprise and wanted it to be finished for when I got home, so no time to answer his phone! Bad mother, baaaad mother!

So now we're waiting for the chocolate to set....it looks delicious!

[Eve76]

Zapping session number 2 went well today.
RevCat, they do play music in the nuking chamber, only I haven't really been paying attention to it so far. Ali, you're right, the machine should go 'ping' when it's done. Disappointing that it doesn't...

Kitchen is still a mess, but as there is nobody else to take care of it but me I will have to tackle it sooner or later. Am ok as long as I am not looking at the state of it, only I am running out of pots and bowl and also out of space to put the dirty dishes. It's a tiny kitchen after all... Maybe after lunch, sigh...

The baby hair is growing nicely, but very unevenly. I have a nice layer of grey fluff around the sides and back, but sadly nothing yet on top, so that I currently look like an old man. Not very attractive... My parents are the only people who have seen it so far, so nobody is patting and stroking it, thank goodness!
Sleep fairies... hm, I shall be off later to catch one. Any ideas on the best way to do that? Am rather slow moving these days and keep dropping things...

[RevCat]

Hee hee hee - Ali did you self-edit that (which pushed it out of sequence so it now follows my post) or did the Mods catch you and correct it? It's a topsy turvy world in BENCHLAND!

[Ali_H]

I think as well Quail it's the whole 'public property' aspect of it, like I'm not really just me anymore but I'm a Breast Cancer. Oh I don't know! But I think you're right with your comment about your own balance, my mind's all over the place at times and I don't know what I want. Actually I do, I want to not have cancer. And then I could say " please let's not talk about it today" wiithout upsetting them. Sometimes I don't want the world and it's dog discussing me, I'm a private person and I'd quite like to just get on with it .
Anyway just seen the time, b*gger!!!! Sorry RevCat I meant oh dear, rads!!!!!!!!

[RevCat]

I had managed to forget about the 'new hair phase' when all and sundry felt they had the right to touch and stroke my baby hair, to comment on may bald patch (especially the men!) and then to covet my chemo curls. "Don't get them cut off", "keep your hair short it's so much better" blah di blah. Fixed grin worekd well. Best bad comment was from my Mum who, on seeing my chemo curls said, "I always wnated a child with curly hair, now I have one"... so that was alright then! Actually I loved my chemo curls, and now my hair is nearly straight (weighed down by being a few inches long at the top) I almost hanker after them. Then one drop of rain and whoosh, the waves return 🙂

All this talk of C*******s... just becuase I've had to start work on it doesn't mean you have to tell me how organised you are! Two years ago I was preparing for it and doing chemo at the same time, this year I have done nothing at all for non-church C stuff. So now you've shamed me into it - today is my 'rest' day so I shall hit the shops and websites and start perusing. Cards... need about 150 of things. BCC have some nice ones on their website which I got last year. I always like to get charity ones.

Hope zappings go OK today - so they play music in your nuking chamber? In mine they had a compiliation CD on repeat and every single day just as they abandoned me to the rays it started to play "I want to break free...." Comic timing or what?

Oh yes, PS on language - it's not me you need to worry about it's the mods! Though since the forum update they seem to have bigger fish to fry that editing naughty words!

[Quail]

Hello, Eve. I hope you found your way over to the woods and caught one of those sleep fairies. Hooray for finishing the chemo--Rads will be a comparative walk in the park. RevCat's words of wisdom regarding housecleaning should be hung in a prominent place AND kept dusted for all to see! Katy, tell 'em you don't do housework anymore, but you're delighted to see them. One of my friends used to put two or three big bunches of flowers around when she had people over--she said they'd look at the flowers and overlook the dust. My sister, on the other hand, always suggests flinging open the door on their arrival and shrieking--OMG, I just got home and I've been robbed! They ransacked the house!
Grumpy a first night sounds exciting and nerve wracking. Have fun and don't sweat the small stuff. I was knowing what you meant about the hair, Ali, until yesterday, when it decided to start sticking up straight all over. I now look like a shorter-haired version of those Einstein photographs you see, and it is NOT a good look. I think I feel a visit to a hairdresser coming on. They've (we've?) been having a similar discussion on a thread about Bernie Nolan, about it not just being a little "event", and now it is over. It is funny how I want to be cured, but I don't want anyone else to say that. I think I need people to share my sense of the uncertainty principle that is now my life, but I am so aware that there almost ISN'T a right thing for them to say. If they act like I'm ill, when I'm six months out from chemo&rads (still pumping that herceptin till xmas), it pains me no end. On the other hand, if they act like no big deal that makes me even angrier. Can it be that I can't find the balance in my own mind?
Off for another episode of "hunt the vein". It would be a comedy, if it weren't so awful. Break a leg, Grumpy!
("lumpy bits" is an unfortunately accurate description of my figure these days, RevCat...)

[Ali_H]

Morning all!! Yup Katytc I indulged myself somewhat in a little rant, and boy do I feel better for it! I needed to say it to someone, and I knew that saying it to the hair-patters would only cause distress.... Can I point out though that I AM glad my hair's back,and I really do feel for all those losing or not yet regaining hair. I just think it should be upto the person involved as to how important it is in the grand scheme of things, and yesterday I was feeling fragile about all sorts of cancer related things, yet all I heard was ooh hair! I know they meant well, and hair loss is such a kick in the teeth, and unless you've been through the cancer mill you don't really know all the many ups and downs of it all.

Eve I hope zapping goes well today, I'm on number 6 of 25. I went with my Dad and step mum yesterday, they had a mini domestic in the waiting area....I'm going on the bus today! I always expect the machine to go "ping" when it's done, it's such a disappointment that it doesn't....

[Eve76]

Thank you, Ali and Katy! Felt utterly spoilt last night indeed. Now having a good sleep on the other hand is a totally different matter. Stupid flushes keep waking me up, finding it hard to go back to sleep...
Kitchen is still in a terrible state, but apart from no motivation (still) there is no time for dealing with it right now. Have to get ready for my second zapping session...
Hope you're all having a good day! xx

[katytc]

Oh Eve, so much is happening and it is soooooo tiring, hope you had a good rest, off to the "spoil myself" bench for you!
Ali, was that a small rant?? It's amazing how angry you feel about "well meaning" comments, I really don't think you know anything until it actually happens to you, if you know what I mean, I felt really annoyed when everyone said well that's it all over for you now after first op, WHAT???
Trying to prise myself of the "CBA" bench have visitors coming today, trying to get over to the "get motivated" bench, it doesn't appear to be working xx

[Ali_H]

Hi Eve, fresh bed linen and a warm bath are two of life's luxuries, along with buttered toast and a cup of tea. Hope you're not so tired in the morning, and that the lumpy bits are just bumpy bits.

[Ali_H]

I'm on the stop talking about my hair bench! Yes, it's grown back. Yes, it's lovely and soft. Yes, you can hardly tell where I lost it. Yes, it's a lovely style. But, hello?? Is that all there is to it? Just a bad hair year? I'm still struggling every minute of every day with the whole BC thing, having radiotherapy every day...and you want to stroke my hair like its all that matters?

Oooooh sorry, that came out a bit strong...get a grip woman, man up!

Ahem. All fine here! 😉

[grumpy]

Evening Ladies -
On the Smug Bench tonight due to completing ALL the housework, ahem ahem.
Tomorrow is the First Night of a 5 night run and as props lady I seem to have lost the plot. Washing machine, bubbles, crashes, explosions, (virtual) brandy and sherry, soot, dust, leaves, thunder and lightning... I can feel the sychronised flushes coming on!!! But last year I coped with mega-props, and apart from the radishes (you try buying radishes with leaves on in October!) it all went extremely well. WELL, I DON'T CARE, I'VE BEEN POORLY!!!!

Little Millie is fine, she has her waterproofs and boots on every morning for a Big Walk. I asked her if she would like a new sister and the answer was s*d off, I like being the only centre of attention....

Christmas?? What's that?? The bit I enjoy is Christingle, and good food - the rest can go hang - that's what happens when you're old and grumpy!!

grumpy

[nannabarb]

No wonder your a Rev, Cat, you have such a calming, soothing way with words, love your philosophy about the kitchen too
More gentle 'big' hugs Eve, hope everything turns out OK xxx

[Eve76]

Thank you, RevCat, for the reassuring words and the hug.
Have turned my back on the messy kitchen, it can wait. Have decided to change my bed sheets instead and have a lovely bath. Maybe that will make me feel better. 🙂
And tomorrow is another day...

[RevCat]

Hello Eve. Golly sounds like you've been on a roller coaster today.

Good news that you got out to celebrate with some friends :-). Hope the zapping goes smoothly with no nasty effects. Sounds like you onc is being extra cautious, but that's a good thing. I think quite a few people have bits of lumpy bumpy stuff that turns out to be scar tissue, especially if it's near where your tumour or scar are. It is very unlikely something nasty would grow unnoticed during your chemo. Big gentle hug.

Oh, and leave the kithcen... it'll just get messed up again if you tidy it!

[Eve76]

It looks like I have been missing plenty in Benchland. Due to my mushy chemo-brain I am not entirely sure though what's been going on.
Yesterday was the last day of my last chemo cycle, so I am now officially finished - woohoo! 🙂 - and I went out with a few friends to celebrate. It was a good feeling today not having to go for another juicing session. Instead I had to be there early in the morning for my first radiotherapy.
And afterwards I had the (dreaded, as usually) meeting with my onc to discuss the tamoxifen. She tried her best talking me into taking them. Also she examined me spending quite some time on THE breast - the 'troublemaker', which apparently has two lumpy areas, and now wants me to have an ultra sound.
Went home exhausted and ever so slighly worried. What are the chances for something nasty growing while being on chemo? 😕
My legs are tired, my kitchen is a mess... Feel like kicking and screaming, but as I don't have the energy, I shall rest on the CBA bench, again.
Is it all over yet? Sigh...
xx

[applestreet]

Ooohh...thank you revcat..2 of my fave things..fudge and marmalade...well..a girl has to have some pleasures when she can't go to the hairdresser to cheer herself up....been looking online this year for C..things..usually pick them up in Jan sales and keep them all year then supplement them with my 2 daughters fave card filling..money..beloved grandchild has filled in his roll of wallpaper list..he can't write..he's only 4 but he knows what he wants..the argos book..elc and smyths catalogues are being waved around under my nose at regular intervals..last year I bought lots of noisy..battery operated toys and it cost me a fortune in batteries..so not doing that this time...spent most of jan in stalag this year after being poisoned by my onc so it'll be online madness in our house...

[katytc]

You are all going to be annoyed at me, superly organised regarding C, I pick things up throughout the year sooooooooo just have to get something for my Mum, who is incredibly difficult to buy for and a couple of small things as stocking fillers! I love shopping around but hate when the shops go crazy at C and you can't find anything and have to stand in massive queues. Will now pop over to the "annoying" bench!
Will start waving tomorrow around lunchtime JCJ, have a great break!
Aah city of the the three J's, my birthplace you cannae beat it RevCat, will have to have a marmalade "piecey" xx

[foxyferret]

I didn't mean to wake Santa up. I'm sorry. I promise I won't mention that word again. I want pressies, I've been good, I've done everything I've been told this year. Aaaah, it's ok, he just turned over and went back to sleep.
We were never a well off family and when my children were teenagers and were wanting designer named items of clothing/footwear for....that holiday....I always told them that they could have them but in the January sales when money would go further and they would get more!!
Nowadays,of course the sales start before....that holiday.

[JCJ]

Sshhhhhhh! Don't mention the C word (ends in 'mas' nor 'er'!) until after 5th November. You'll wake Santa up. He likes to sleep through the scary noises of bonfire night or he'll be soooo grumpy he won't bring any pressies.

My daughter rang, this week, to tell me her plans for C.... but wouldn't say the word. She's 25, but I trained her well! 🙂

I used to start my shopping in October - to spread the cost! (obviously the kids didn't know that!! :)) - but these last few years I've done most of it online.

Thanks, RevCat! I'll pack the night vision goggles then. 🙂

[nannabarb]

Yep FF, think that will be easier, as xmas shopping and hot flushes dont go well together, especially as 'hat head' seems even worse when, in the words of APPLESTREET you look like a baby owl with fluff instead of hair.
But will need to get organised for that, as cant be anything worse (well not much anyway) than anxiously waiting for a much needed parcel to turn up 2 days before xmas

[foxyferret]

I am an "always leave it to the very last minute" person but this year I have decided to really TRY to be organised and ready in good time. I am not a fan of Christmas, I think it's far too commercialised and cannot abide the way it starts in September these days.
I was horrified in M & S to find that they have their decorations up!!!!!! Unbelievable.
Maybe online shopping is the way to go.

[nannabarb]

Had a lovely relaxing smiley time sitting on the RELIEVED bench yesterday morning, then had lovely cuddles with baby grandaughter later. Only slight downer was when YD tried to take photo of me with baby in Cafe Nero, but the ceiling spotlights were reflecting off my bald head.. so more pics with me in a hat...oh well never mind.
Xmas shopping FF! cant even think about that until a week before the day, so well done you!

[foxyferret]

Thank you very much for the marmalade and fudge Revcat bet you're glad to be home again.
I am on the knackered bench tonight as have been to city Xmas shopping with my daughter. I have bought my son his pressie as he told me yesterday what he wanted. I really hope he doesn't change his mind!!! Didn't find anything else.
Daughter went MAD and bought herself a coat, a bodywarmer, three jumpers and two pairs of shoes!! She couldn't decide between the shoes so had both.
Last I heard she was muttering something about checking her bank balance!!

Hope you all have a good week and don't work too hard.

[RevCat]

Golly goshkins so much travelling and not-travelling going on. Well I am back from the north pole aka Dundee where I was at a conference for a few days, and it snowed. Strathpeffer and Pitlochry are lovely - have visited both at different times. I really hoped cancelled trips can soon be rebooked and enjoyed... better to wait for spring now though, no more daylight in Scotland for six months... 🙂 Train got me back home at midnight last night - very wet and dreary. Anyway, look, I brought back some virutal Dundee marmalade for you all ......> And some tablet (~ fudge) - no, you can't use it as a computer, you have to eat it 😄

So, are plans in place for Apple's b'day party? How excitiing! My five-zero not til mid December so a-g-e-s off yet.

Hope all are having a restful weekeknd, especially those being zapped, poked or prodded.

[applestreet]

Morning..well just...it's v wet here today..I sailed into benchland in my dinghy..from my garden..to the front street and then down the canal via the woods..v interesting journey..am really tired today through delightful new neighbours across the street who had a halloween party..in the front street..well they spilled out of the house..but they're only young..thank god it's only once a year..god..I'm turning into Victor Meldrew...is that old age or am I just a miserable git???...rant over...everyone enjoy an extra hour in bed?....visit from beloved grandchild and ED this afternoon..that'll be interesting...last week he broke everything in sight..including my poor cat's scratch post...so I,m off now to hide all breakables away!!!

[JCJ]

Only 'til Friday, Katy - with 2 included excursions: 1 to spey valley and other to Black Isle. Ok, sorry Q, rubbing it in a bit - I'm now cowering UNDER the guilty bench grovelling appologetically. I'll bring some haggis back for A & RC's parties. Last time I was in scotland I had haggis in a baked potato. Delicimosso!! 🙂

[JCJ]

Was it the Highland Hotel Q? To think, we might have met!! Maybe next time. I'll let you know what it's like when I get back. (Old fashioned mobile - can't do t'internet1)

I'll raise a toast to you and your friends with one of my free drinks (4 a day!)

[katytc]

How long are you going for JCJ?? I'm nearer the east coast, well in a bit so you maybe will swing past, our city is called the Gateway to the Highlands, are you going to Inverness, Culloden too??
Special "clootie dumpling" and "shortie" for Quail and black pudding, lorne sausage for breakfast!! My treat, will serve up to you on the "Scottish" bench!
It sounds like RevCat is Dec and Apple is Nov so busy birthday times, any suggestions for pressies? xx

[Quail]

Ouch, JCJ, Strathpeffer is WHERE we were supposed to be staying
That's ok, buy a stick of Rock (or should that be shortbread?) for me. I'm just happy you're finally getting to go--you deserve a nice treat after all that torture! Have a FABULOUS time. I'm hoping we can maybe go in the spring, although it all depends on when and if our friends can get away. Ah well, I'm on the AtLeastIDon'tHaveToCleanTheHouse bench, which is quite comfortable, if a little dull.
When's the Rev's bday party? Have we decided on a gift? FF, you can bring the glitter!

[JCJ]

Hahahahah! Bizarre!

[JCJ]

Yes it is Monday, Katy. In which town do I need to be on the look out for hairy-faced (or maybe not so much) wimmin madly waving their strong arms at all passing coaches? Inverness??

Save your energies for Shearrings coaches - don't exhaust, even your newly strong arms on inferior varieties! Leaving midlands at 6.30am (OUCH! Good job clocks going back tonight!!) expect to be at Strathpeffer for evening meal. Will be a Looong day.

I'm on the guilty bench because I'm excited about my Highlands holiday, when Quail has had to cancel hers 😞 I'll be thinking of you Q, and hope you get to go soon. Our trip is 30th Wedding Anniversary treat, postponed from June because I'd only just finished rads.

[JCJ]

WTF?? My PS has just posted ABOVE the message to which I forgot to add it! How odd!

Let's see where this one goes. The previous page? Next week sometime?

[JCJ]

PS I KNEW I'd read lashings of ginger beer (somewhere other than here)!! I read the Mallory Towers books as well as FF (no, not FoxyFerret.... or F***ing Furious) books.

We need to put QI straight on that one!

[katytc]

Oops forgot in the Mallory Towers and St Clare books by Enid, the midnight feasts always had lashings of ginger beer, they were my fave, wasn't that into Famous Five books.
Off for a quick game of lacrosse before tea xx
PS, That was me, FF

[katytc]

What's happening??? Wedgies, bejazzling, thongs etc?????? Ouchy, no wedgies allowed!!
nanabarb, fantastic news, yahoo be dooby/booby!!
Jane sorry Lyn is misbehaving, off to the "naughty" bench for her.
Is it Mon JCJ, when I start waving madly at all the coaches again??? Have a great time pack lots of cosy clothes cause it's blinkin freezing!!
ST, we've got alligators!!
Apple, another birthday party yippeeeeeeee!!
Just swung in, arms are now exceptionally strong, face a little flushed and less hairy (tweezers), JCJ you will be able to spot me no problem now!!
Tea for me please Quail, I'm handing out Tom & Jerry cakes been doing some BAKING with my grandaughter, she's staying tonight so am firmly on the "childhood" bench for the next few hours!! xx