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stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

RevCat
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Nooooo not stairs ON the ice, stairs TO the ice, descending/ascending from/to the sky where the cobweb is.... silly me, should have explained better.... really should go home!

_
___
______
________
__________
__________________ICE__________

Kind of thing! tricky drawing in this text editer!
katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

FF you are WISE, all that practising has worked...................xx

foxyferret
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Ali - just relax and all will be ok. But if necessary I will help you out as I think you will make a wonderful camel and I know how much you want the part.
JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

STAIRS? ON ICE?? Are you completely mad? (Of course you are - Welcome to Benchland! :)) It'll definitely be the ass for me then or safely suspended ABOVE the ice as the cobweb - good idea, Katy.
Ali_H
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Disaster!!! Dry mouth....run out of spit.....can I have a spit double for my big close up????
foxyferret
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

A party and auditions at the same time? Can we cope with it all? Of course we can!
I'm home early from work and getting ready. Lucky Mr Clunk knowing he's already got a part but then any man brave enough to join us mad women totally deserves it. The research and the ongoing work puts me to shame. I'm still practising a wise look although maybe I just look weird or constipated!

I'm now enveloped in a cloud of glitter, dancing around the room, singing "I'm so excited". It's all too much....maybe I ought to go for a little lie down?
No, can't do that I might miss out on my big chance.

(Psst, Dame Grumpy the cake and wine is in the usual place. Ssshh!)
katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Oh my STAIRS??? Nobody told me, how can I dance, sing, flush, remove my forty fleecy cardis and go up and downstairs all at the same time whilst Ali's spitting all over the place xx

RevCat
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

So here I am, sitting at work on a Friday afternoon trying to do serious stuiff when 'ping' 'ping' ping' notifications of hilarity hit my inbox every few seocnds! Ah well, it probably is about knocking off time now...

Wow over 3000 posts and over 100 pages... P-A-R-T-Y!

This theatrical extravaganza is sounding more and more splendid by the nano-second, so I must away and rehearse the flushing chorus of forty chillow soldiers in forty fleecy cardis who are coming down the stairs in pairs/pears.... not sure where the stairs go from or to but hey, it fits the songs, kind of!!
katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

JCJ, you are looking for trouble..............if grumpy reads the above you may end up being the COBWEB or the ice tidier upper, be careful xx

JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Just had a thought! Was it Mr Clunk Grumpy was flirting with?? Hence no audition required??? Don't tell Mrs Clunk!!
Ali_H
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Lol, sorry Katy, can't get the hang of it. Is it too late to audition for a non-spitting part do you think?
katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Pssssst, Dame Grumpy picked Mr Clunk without audition, hence the bravo's!!
Ali please stop spitting I thought it was raining!! xx

katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

BRAVO, BRAVO Mr Clunk, you def deserve the part, all that research, you are truly a "luvvy" to the highest degree!
Well done, now if you can "homebake" that would be the proverbial icing on the cake!
JCJ had no idea Benchland (Norberte's benches) would grow and grow soooooooooo many "kookie" ladies and now one gent have provided so much laughter and fun, would also like to thank you all, perhaps we should have a party to celebrate, glitterberry juice on me xx

JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

VILLAGE HALL?? How DARE you?? All Benchland productions are, of course performed in the wonderful weather-free, air conditioned (by the ceiling fans - not to be confused with the cheering fans!), always warm and dry, and free from allergens (but not alligators), calories or alcohol units, open air of Benchland.

Clunk you are just showing off because it's only you and the dogs/cats/lambs that know you've actually GOT a part. I think Grumpy's (sorry, DAME Grumpy) too busy doing that flirting she referred to before to let the rest of us know until tomorrow. (Oops there goes my part?! )
Ali_H
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Oh my oh my, Clunkshift I am going to have to up my game to secure the part of camel (white, two humped, with glitter). And there was me thinking false eyelashes, a squishy pillow tied to my back with a bit of string and a whitish bed sheet draped over would do it.
However do please remember this is to be a production on ice, so any footwear needs to incorporate either a skate balde OR sharp pointy metal bits (thanks chemo brain, it was going so well...what's the word I want? Ah well, we'll stick with sharp pointy metal bits) for grip during the big dance scene. (oooh, notice how smoothly I got my request for a big dance number in there, camels are well known for their dancing ability- very agile and fleet of foot are camels)
Now, where was I???? Oh yes, practising my spitting. I hope real camels DO actually spit, otherwise it's a skill I've learned for nothing.....
clunkshift
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

You cannot imagine my excitement at landing a part in the Benchworks Utility Plague and to be selected as third shepherd is just joy unfounded. I have started to gather together a costume worthy of such a presdigitus production incorporating my mother’s old Yasser Arafat pattern dish headcloth and my prized primary school belt whose serpent-like clasp is a red dinger for Cleopatra’s arsp.
I’m not sure that my dressing gown quite fits the historical era but perhaps the tartan will lend a touch of class to the shepherd; not so much Brave Tart as laird of the manor - more of a gentleman hill farmer look really. I am however striving for authenticity in the footwear.
A thorough search of Wikipedia has revealed that Crocs could not be mistaken for Hebrew or Roman footwear, even by a blind wise-man on a galloping camel and of course flip –flops won’t work with the sheep pattern socks that we all so readily associate with shepherds.
I realise of course that the whole play is set in winter time with moaning frosty wind and snow on snow but if I wore the correct shepherding Hunter wellies, the audience would never get to see the socks and the subtlety of the costume would be lost. So at present I am toying with the idea of rubber gardening mules as a modern twist to the authentic Hebrew Dr Scholls. One thing is certain though, I need to get a lamb to wear round my neck or I’ll catch my death or get neck rickets if the play is in the draughty village hall.
Do not for one moment assume that I am just the stage eye candy (even sans budgie smugglers) as I am also polishing up my vocal tones. By living the part through my daily life, greeting friends with a cheerful “Oivay” and such excalamities as “my life already” and “Oi my Yiddisher lambs”, I feel I am really getting under the shepherd’s skin.
I must get on now, there is still much to do; whittling a crook-lock, a stone sling – well not actually made of stone but a sling for pebbles, but not pebbles and bam-bam because that was the Flinstones, so I don’t know where the producer got that idea from, you just mention rock to some people and they fill their heads with music but what we need is carols for Christmas; I must remember to have a word with Grumpy, she obviously hasn’t thought that one through and it could be very confusing for children.
Anyway, just thought I would update you all on my thespian endeavours so you know that we men can multi-trash too.
Toot –toot luvvies,

applestreet
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Delightful lunacy...I love this thread..brightens up a nov day no end!!!..Katy...I had to stop taking the Relon...it was driving me insane..got good old wockhardt again...

JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Katytc did you ever imagine when you started this with your little rant that there'd be over 3000 posts of completely and utterly delightful lunacy?

Benchand was (and still is) sometimes the highlight of my day! It keeps me sane (if you call this sane!! )

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

WHOO HOO, well done CH280!!!! Any excuse for a party!
The one that really gets me is midflow conversation I have a complete blank, can't remember what I was talking about?? So, so embarrassing!
Hot flushes did seem a bit calmer but have gone crazy since Relon, oh dear!
Anybody seen that wonderful woman, (you all know who I'm talking about) around Benchland? xx

supertrouper
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Any excuse for a party in Benchland

JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

CH280! CH280! CH280! You got the 3000th post!! PAAAARTY Time again!! 🙂
JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Grumpy needs a mention in the New Years Honours list! Dame Grumpy?! (Me?? sucking up?? Never!!)

*I* can't really claim credit for the spoonerism either, as it came, unbidden out of my mouth!! I don't know if it's the Ta'poxy'fen, enforced, rapidly occuring, old age (only 52 really!!), tiredness or lack of marbles/plots, but I seem completely unable to string a sentence together correctly. I have been calling all the children by the wrong names this week; some of them by names that don't even exist in the school. Scary!

Perhaps I'm too excited about Dame Grumpy's maaaaarvellous play?

Talking of the dreaded wonder drug. Just picked up the next prescription, and yes, you guessed it! Yet another brand: Relon this time. That's the 5th in 7 months!!

Well, I came home early to "work on the website". I meant the school one, but as I didn't specify.............! 🙂
ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Grumpy, I will be extremely grateful for any part you care to give me, as long as it's in the opposite corner to the spider. I am a total wuss when it comes to arachnids, and never get close enough to kill them - I have been known to not have a bath or shower for 2 days (in my own house anyhow) until my daughter was able to evict the Boris from the bath.

I did mention I probably ought to be a cow, seeing as so many people call me that already...

(And I've got a friendship Herman growing on my mantlepiece, I'm sure grumpy would love some friendship cake...)

katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

grumpy, think this is the right time to say that you are such an ADMIRABLE woman, you write faaaaaaaaaaaabulous pantos,an oscar or equivalent award should come your way pronto! As you sit in your very important director's type chair, directing, I feel such RESPECT for your achievements in "LUVVY" land.
Really needed to say that, oh and by the way I make the most wonderful doggie coats in my spare time..........
No bribery attempts from me, wouldn't even dare to try it xx

GIJaneH
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Men in no tops? Strictly or Woods or Benchland???
Bring it ONNNNN!
raining cats and dogs, which is a bit discombobulating..

I'm sorry, no briberye encouraged....
Made chocolate bread & butter pudding yesterday though....

Cackles
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Caroline welcome to the mad benches and Woods. Drains can stay in for weeks if they are producing a lot of fluid. Some surgeons take them out when the amount reduces to 30- 50mls in 24hrs. To a great extent it differs from specialist to specialist. Not post code lottery exactly but what they have found to be best in their opinions. Some don't use drains at all. Anyway what I mean to say is 9 days is not too unusual. Hopefully ypu will get rid of them soon. I trod on one of mine which was a quick way of removing it, but not to be recommended.

What is all this casting couch bribery???? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Food is too tempting for we poor Woidies to resist. Where are the weighing backwards scales? I need them .
Grumpy do you like Rum Truffles?

Quail
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Sorry JCJ & FF, I'm completely mixed up tonight. I think it's one to many in the JM!

foxyferret
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Can't take the credit for the spoonerism. It was JCJ.
I don't spoo doonerisms!!
foxyferret
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Psst,psst, Grumpy have this cake and glass of wine. I'll bring the same to every rehearsal for you.
(Don't tell the others - it's our secret).
Ali_H
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Lol Foxyferret!!!
Quail
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hello, all. It's beginning to sound like an eating extravaganza with all the goodies; what a lot of bakers we have among us. I am feeling decidely inadequate among all the talent.
But due to the reasons stated earlier (lots of hair on chin, short back and sides haircut and a bit of a paunch) I would try to play a inarticulate and somewhat bewildered Joseph, if no more suitable applicant comes forward. Certainly my bathrobe is so old that Joseph COULD have worn it, and so "well-loved" that its rather fetching pale blue shade has dulled to a manly grey.
FF, I am still chuckling about your spoonerism! And I was very fragile for about a month after mx--quite brave of you to go out, if you ask me, Caroline.

grumpy
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

WELL DONE TO ALL THE 'EARLY' AUDITONEES - however early application does NOT necessarily guarantee the part of choice. There must be more intensive bribery/sucking up to ensure a result...........
Frozen lake - unless we know someone who works in ice-rinks I think it will have to be down to Mike and the Techies in the cupboard under the stairs. Do websites and icemaking machines work in the same way? Al;ternatively perhaps Good King Wenceslas would oblige.
Millie has got TWO macs drying over the radiators, disgusting paws and a VERY dirty tummy - that's what happens when you have stumpy legs and go out in this naff weather.

It's getting exciting - I might try directing a REAL play next --- perhaps not.
Audition results Sat evening after Strictly, mustn't distract the nation from the important event of frocks and spray tan.
PS anyone else heard the rumour about men in no tops?
grumpy

Ali_H
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Ch280, YUM!!!!!
Editing to try and get this below the cake post....otherwise it doesn't make sense!!!!
ch280
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Forgot to say I can provide plenty of cakes at rehearsals - victoria sandwich and bakewell tart OK?

ch280
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hi Caroline, I hope the humour on this thread helps to keep you smiling.
Grumpy, I originally asked for the part of one of the wise women - well I've got experience of being the second part of the name ---but the first???? Perhaps I had better audition for the part of one of the shepherds - I have previous experience of this role - OK it was a long time ago - about 57 years and I didn't remember my lines that well at the time but I promise I will practise till i'm word perfect this time! Maybe it would be a good idea cos then I might be able to control my youngest grandson who has already got the part of one of the lambs.
The cows (real ones) I offered to do the gentle mooing are looking a bit more like water buffalo today there is so much water on their field - tomorrow they they are being moved into a barn to dry out.
Tomorrow I have my first visit to the breast clinic tsince surgery and radio therapy - hopefully will be on hte annual check ups from now on - fingers crossed anyway.
C

RevCat
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hi Caroline When I had my surgery I began with four drains!!! (Had mx , ANC and immediate LD recon) Three were out in two days but the last one stayed with me for a full fortnight. Then I had a seroma (collection of fluid) in my back that had to be drained three times before they injected a "magic injection" (the technical term used by the plastic surgeon) which fixed it. So.... nine days is nothing to worry about, and hopefully they will whip it out when you next see them (my lot siad they always take them out after two weeks).

Sorry about the bloke in M&S but good they looked after you... good luck with the bra fitting.
Caroline60
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hi nannabarb it was in Bromley as in London Borough of. A gadggie is an older man - who in this case was intent in getting through the small space. I didnt have the energy to tell him to f off.
nannabarb
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hi Caroline, poor you, hopefully the antics on this thread have brought a smile to your face...... anyway, back to your drain, mine was in for the full 10 days between WLE / AC, and follow up appt. Consultant said to take it out anyway, as it was getting sore, which they did, and it continued to leak profusely needing several dressing changes a day for the next two weeks, then dried up very suddenly... hopefully your wont be THAT long, I dont know anyone else who leeked that long....
I can only guess what a Gadggie is, being a Southern Softie Wooden Bench.....
Caroline60
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hi all, Im new to BENCHLAND. Thanks woodies for advising me of this thread. I have a question. I still have my drain in on day 9. I am willing it to cease and be taken out. Is it normal for drains to last this long?
Came out of hosp on Monday of this week having had surgery (MX and 2 infected noded under my chest muscle) had SNB as well.

I went into M and S today to have a look at bras. Anyway, walked through food hall and some gadggie in his wisdom - tried to get to the exit - through a small space and knocked my husband who consequently knocked into me. i felt really dizzy and ended up having to sit down and given iced water. Apparently all card holders were given £20 vouchers to spend. It was like a bun fight and no holes barred casual violence. One of the staff came over to me and said that she had heard I recently had surgery and said that she had gone through similar experiencce BC and has come out the other end. She also explained that as it not visual - people can be awful and rude and ignorant.
The staff apologised and said they would see me tomorrow re bras. I think next week will be fine for this.
Ali_H
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hmmmmm.... Skills: glow in the dark red skin. Mega flush capability. Tendency to sob without warning. But, good with a sewing machine. Can't spit, chew cud or store water (especially not in this cold weather, my poor bladders not up to it). Only got two legs, and not sure my eyelashes are impressive enough....but..... PLEASE LET ME BE A CAMEL!!!!!!!!!!!
Relevant experience.......none. Oooh, not scared of spiders! That's got to count for something......
JCJ
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

It's not Friday yet - not quite - but I'm gathering my thoughts on what part I'd like to audition for. I'm likely to spend most of my time on my "ass" on the ice, so I could be the donkey.

Or I could be a goat - I have the beard and the other required attribute - provided I eat some more sausage and bean casserole, raw peppers or raw onions.

Also, I can do the dance of the 40 fleecies with a red face, so I could be a Chillow Soldier - but I'm sure I couldn't march on ice (see above!)

I have a sewing machine and could makes stuff, provided it doesn't have to be too neat.

I am practising training the 'borrowed' spider - so I think I'll be excellent for animal trainer.

Big batches of chocolate pear cake, carrot cake with lemon & lime yogurt icing (balanced diet in a cake? :)), mince pies and Welsh cakes already underway.

There's that lovely single malt we virtually finished before. (Don't we just love virtual?! :))

Ah, and it seems I'm good at blowing a trumpet (especially my own????)

♫ Onward Chillow soooooldiers planning our new play
I made appple nearly wet herself In Tesco today!! ♫

Oooh talking of which..... I accidentaly spoonerised "starting on fifty" when teaching addition to Year 2 (aged 6 and 7) yesterday and heard myself say "farting on stiffy" WHAT???? I then had to resist the urge to giggle uncontrollably for the next hour. VERY glad it wasn't Year 6!!
applestreet
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Can I have a part please..still up for glowing...can dance..duvet hokey pokey anyway..and same as katie..can flush for britain..have also learnt onward chillow soldiers..which I think is absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever read..burst out laughing in tesco yesterday and OH thought I had lost it again!!!!

katytc
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Don't know what to do am having bother with the far***g (GOAT part) really don't think I'll be good enough in time for panto!
Sooooooooo could be Mary, (prior to giving birth) as ta"poxy"fen belly protrudes brilliantly, but will have to tweeze as we don't want a bearded Mary.........
Can wield a saw fantastically well, hopeless at sewing and singing, not at all artistic.
Can dance well (all the 40 cardis ones anyway) and can flush for Britain as proven during the Olympics, also have a wonderful red face, there must be a part for me somewhere???
grumpy can you please tell us soon the waiting is just awful?? (deja vu) xx

supertrouper
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I can do the following:-
Construction of stage including lighting and sound effects.
Make up (more like face painting really but I am good at eyebrows)
Handing out mugs of hot mulled wine/glitterberry juice/winter pimms and Baileys.
I also have a sewing machine and I am very good at making giant spiders out of bin bags.

jellytot83
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Let me know what roles are going for a short, bald, one-eyebrowed (thanks for that Tax) 20 something 🙂

I am off to the BCC Young Women's Forum in Brighton on Friday so won't be around to audition, but please think of me when the roles are being assigned xx
GIJaneH
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Please I'd like to be a wisewoman too... qualifications - I'm a vicar who's pi**ed off at the vote not to make women bishops - that makes me wise!!!! Costume? Funny hat and flowing robes.... have them in abundance (might need help making the pointy hat) I try NOT to dish out advice... that's wisdom.....

Please let me be a wise woman - it would be my way of raising two fingers to a different audience!!!!

thank you for listening to my audition - son & DIL arriving Friday for the weekend, so I thought I'd get in early....

Jane

Cackles
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I would love to play a part. I have TWO humps which I can vary in size, a beard, badger coloured hair! and a frog shaped abdomen.....any suggestions.....don't be rude or we might get into trouble!!!!

RevCat
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Jane you SHALL have a pointy hat with lots and lots and lots of glitter.

I think I shall have to audition for the part of one of the shepherds as I have homed no less than seven knitted sheep for our sheep trail... I'm a happy non-anglican rev type! It's either that or third row of the chorus of flushing chillow soldiers...

Oh, and I will make a mahoosive batch of cat-cakes for the interval
nannabarb
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Aah welcome Clunk and Mrs Clunk, sorry that you've had to join us (if you know what I mean lol)
AUDITIONS - Role as Inn Keeper (I know Im early, but will be busy packing for house move on Friday)
'TIIIME GENTLEMEN (sorry - ladies) PERLEASE, LETS HAVE THOSE GLASSES !!'
'Five pints, 4 white wines, 3 Rusty Nails, 2 Screaming Orgasms and a Slippery Nipple? certainly madam, coming right up'
'Got any ID son?'
'Sorry Madam our last room was taken 1/2 hour ago, but we do have a nice cosy cave out the back...'

How did I do Grumpy ????? pick me please, please pick me
foxyferret
Member

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I really really really want to be a Wise Woman.
Relevant qualifications - I am wise and I am a woman. Can dish out wise advice to anyone who will listen but never take it myself!!
Can also tend bar as used to be stewardess of local British Legion.
Alligator culling - willing to learn.

Costume could be just a long nightie absolutely covered in glitter of all different colours. I could provide this myself to ease the burden on the costume department. Oh, and a headress of some kind, will think about that.

Relax while you can Grumpy, you're going to have your work cut out with us unruly Benchlanders!!