stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

[katytc]

Oh dear young PC PLOD2 has led you all a merry dance, that will had been updated, he managed to acquire an old out of date will, tsk tsk tsk. PC PLOD1 and Miss Sparkle WILL have words with him..............
Claude has the new/old will, not the newest of the new because of dear Blanche's demise prior to signing the will leaving all her wordly goods to Milton De Witte. Poor, poor man literally, Claude hints that the family and Blanche's employees are due to benefit, woo hoo, good old Blanche.
No-one can leave Chester, until Scene Three, when the murderer is unmasked, what ho off for a dip in the sea, just behind the Norcambe Pyramid xx

[millymolly_m]

The camels are looking very self satisfied this afternoon!

[millymolly_m]

As MMM (that is Milly Molly Mandy, not Millie the dog or Murder Mystery Madness!) Oh! Kay, what a lovely suprise! Aren't families wonderful!
As Chester - Gadzooks! Ive been swindled! That Sheik Yafist is a cad. The camels were freed from the sanctuary to run amock while all the time he was conniving with my sister to make pots of money. That cash is rightfully mine! They used my capital to get into oil leaving me to hunt down missing camels and suffer the indignity of living life as a working chap!
Flora, get your hat we're leaving........ It doesn't matter which hat, any blasted hat will do, just come down here now! Yes, yes dear, of course you can bring that lovely bottle of almond oil you have with you.

[supertrouper]

So Blanche left all her money to a home for old camels - and who has been seen with camels around Madlands?? I think I know who poisoned Blanche and I've told the plods what I think.

Going to the hairdressers now - got to look my best for tomorrow.

[benedictus]

Oh Kay! What a wonderful week and what a wonderful famly. Thank you for sharing with us - made me go all warm and gooey inside x

[grumpy]

As long as everything goes well, there will be a prizegiving ceremony on Sunday evening. Bribery acceptable....
Dame Helen is being sniffy about lending me a frock as she doesn't want it to 'smell' afterwards - I was mortally offended until she explained she meant OF CAMEL!!!
Off to visit cousins etc today, and Wee Eric the pupkin. Millie Dog is going to show him how to drive the humans bonkers by getting REALLY muddy/smelly on walks.
Last Rehearsal this evening???
grumpy

[Kayteeb53]

Thank you all for birthday wishes. The family had planned the whole week . Each day at breakfast I was given a card, written by eldest grandson and decorated by littlest grandson telling me what I was doing that day. I went for afternoon tea, had a day a a spa with treatments, went to the seaside, relaxed in th hot tub at the cottage, went shopping round Cheshire Oaks shopping centre. It was a truly wonderful week. I had lovely present too, trip to Budapest with YD, who also made me a scrapbook about my life and family (few tears there), a beautiful designer watch from ED with some smellies, OH paid for week away, my day at spa, a charm bracelet with charms, eldest grandson (only 9) bought me earrings with his pocket money, and lots more.
how lucky was I?
kay x

[Ann_W]

Forgot to add we know who owns the old camels home

[Ann_W]

pc plod no 2 here
we have just found the will and guess what Blanche left all her money to a home for old camels in Egypt so who ever the murderer is they did it all for nothing, what a shame. We have all the statements now and have worked out who did the dastardly deed.

[katytc]

Oh Gosh forgot to say what on earth is JCJ up to??? Deer stalking and hi-jacking lorries, Scotland will never quite be the same again xx

[katytc]

Happy Birthday Kay!! Sounds like you had a fabulous time. Belated birthday cake in the shed along with buckets of glitterberry juice and balloons on all the benches woo hoo!!

Well, well, well, just learned that the paper Blanche was holding onto contained details of her partnership with Sheik Yafist. She seemingly invested in the oil business................Blanche is/was now one of the richest women in the world...........how fortunate for us all..............
Couldn't believe the spectacle she made of herself purple face, being sick, good job she dropped dead otherwise she would never be able to hold her head up high again, incredibly distasteful........
The Plods are plodding about asking lots of questions, had some questions of my own are The Plods somehow in cohoots with Sheik Yafist? They came charging into the Rotunda bareback riding camels????????????
Oh my the Plods and Miss Sparkle are talking again, she always manages to get her nose into everything, such a busybody.
What's that???? Murderer will be revealed this evening???????????
Where's that Claude???, would love to know just how much dear Blanche has left me, after all I am her little sis......
Last rehearsal 7 PM tonight, full play Sun and Dame Grumpy's prizegiving ceremony have to fit it all in very quickly cause of the forum changing So full steam aheadxx

[Guest user]

I had a good time with Blanche and had no reason to poison her. Must say, she could be pretty harsh on her family, but what could I do about it? Blanche's' past? All I know is that she was madly in love once and was jilted and the guy married someone else.

[JCJ]

Blanche? Dead? When did this happen? I spent all yesterday afternoon in my room trying to decide what to wear. Any one with me? No of course not! What sort of woman do you think I am?!

Happy Birthday Kay! Your mystery trip may not have been to Morecambe, but you did sort of end up joining us via a murder mystery?! 🙂 Glad you had a good time.

We accidentally made a logging lorry sink into a ditch today. We met it on a narrow road. We pulled in, gingerly onto the verge and he drove onto the other verge. And got stuck! Lorry started sinking. When we left, having ascertained there was nothing we could do to help - he was adamant he could sort it himself- the lorry was at 45° to the road! I hope he's not still there!

[Ali_H]

As Ali - happy birthday Kay, your holiday sounds lovely and a wonderful surprise too 🙂
As Archie -" poor milady, who'd do such a thing? I was outside with the motor, as chauffeur that's my place you see...witnesses? Well to be honest ask anyone who walked past the car park, there aren't that many chauffeurs of silver and black Rollers with two great huge hairy camels for company parked outside a dive like this...."

[supertrouper]

As Delia Sparkle

Blanche was a dear friend of mine - I had no reason to harm her. I know that she had her head turned by that Milton chappie - who I actually quite like now. He drinks Magners you know? Blanche was sick all over me before she died - ruined my inside out dress. Anyone of us could have got into the kitchen at Madlands and put poison into one of her two scones. I didn't eat any of mine - couldn't take the risk - er, what I mean is I don't like scones....

[foxyferret]

Interviews with PC Plod.
As Olive - of course I was in the Rotunda, I was their waitress and a right demanding lot they were too. Cyanide? No, I didn't put cyanide in her tea. Where would I get cyanide from? No.......ok, I sneezed into one of the cups out of spite but that didn't work out. These people mean nothing to me, just guests, here today and gone tomorrow.

As Claude - yes, I was there, sat opposite actually. First thing I noticed was when she was sick all over someone, turned purple and fell to the ground. No, not a very nice woman but a good money spinner as she changed her will so often.

As Minnie - I was leaving to work to for Lady Susan, so had no reason to kill her but at the time was on the prom stuffing those awful shorts into a bin!

Happy Birthday Kay.

[CanonJane]

Ditto: Many happy returns Kay, and welcome back! Your week/day sound amazing...

As Blanche " " (silence of the dead)

As Charlotte Rose : Sniff ~ sob ~ sniff " people say the most terrible things about poor Blanche - they don't realise what a hard life she's had, and why she had to learn to be so hard. They'll find out when they read her will....."

[Guest user]

Many Happy Returns Kay!

[Kayteeb53]

I have been existing in a parallel universe!!! Back from my week away (with all the family - what a surprise) in the wilds of Wales. Well near Wrexham in a beautiful cottage. Was my 60th yesterday. After opening of beautiful presents, we went on a Treasure Trail during the day and in the evening had a posh buffet and had a Murder Mystery evening! And I come back to a murder in progress in Benchland!
what are the chances?
kay x

[Tuppence]

I will have to ask you all to remain in the hotel until further notice. That means ALL of you including those rather enormous brown dogs. As you know the deceased was clutching a sheet of paper in her hand when she kicked the bucket. Unfortunately we have not been able to read the said sheet of paper owing to its being in some sort of foreign language . Therefore anyone here who may know what language the aforesaid deceased person may have written it in is requested to come forward to help the police with their enquiries.
You are also each asked to give a statement as to your whereabouts at the time of the incident.

Now if someone could fetch me a freshly sharpened pencil we will begin.

[Guest user]

Eleanor has such a bad attitude! She's like a hyena - laughing hysterically in my face today, every time we cross paths - despite the loss of my beloved Blanche. She said Blanche didn't change her will... how does she know anything?
That paper Blanche was holding...what was that about? Some written stuff, but no-one had a chance to read it! Someone called the Plod last night who announced 'do not touch anything' and took the piece of paper.
Oh, Blanche, my poor, poor Blanche! Plod says it was cyanide in the tea!! Who saw anything suspicious? P'raps Benjamin - he was lying behind the sofa all night? And who was missing? Who dunnit?

[grumpy]

Trophies???? Prizes?????? it's not the flippinng Oscars you know, even though I will be wearing one of Dame Helen's cast-offs (hopefully).
the Dame

[katytc]

Hope everything goes well today Benedictus.
JCJ and Ben it's a very ad lib portrayal so no set lines, just make it up as you go! All the dithering and drunken behaviour is perhaps hampering your performances!
Seemingly there will be prizes/trophies for best actor, best supporting actor etc, overheard Dame Grumpy mumbling?
Oh poor, poor Blanche how sad......................such a shame she didn't change her will!
Poor, poor Milton NOT! she says hysterically laughing.
Bet that Olive had something to do with Blanche's tea being full of cyanide.............
xx

[Ali_H]

As Archie "oh my poor milady, she won't like being dead at all, the food won't be right and who'll run her about when she needs to go somewhere? They won't know she likes the window open one and three-quarter inches and which leather polish she likes the smell of best in her lovely motors....oh her poor lovely motors! What shall I do? I'll take the Roller (not the one the camels pranged, the other one) and the Bentley off to be cleaned, we may need them for the funeral...better take both Bentleys actually...she never did get to see the lovely new Bugatti...sniff..."

[benedictus]

Read your post as your foot going from teeny to massive. Conjoured up a marvellous picture of your face staring at your foot....... Made me chuckle
Off for bloods and clinic now. Bet I won't be chuckling after hanging around for 3 hours......

[JCJ]

Flora has a non-speaking part too. Actually, it's more of a non-appearing part. I think she's still up in her room trying to decide which frock to wear for afternoon tea, even though it was yesterday. She's nervous of inviting Blanche's wrath (- or Grumpy's?!) Either that, or she's trapped on the landing, dithering about whether to use the stairs (afraid of heights) or the lift (claustrophobic)! OK, so why has the font suddenly gone from teeny to massive and back to normal? What did I do? One day I'll get the hang of this phone! (fortunately, back to a proper computer soon, so I won't have to hang MYSELF instead??! 😛 )

[benedictus]

Yup JCJ I'm with you there. Completely lost but entertained nonetheless. I've got a non-speaking part, mainly because I'm drunk behind the sofa with a bottle of port for the duration - kindly soul swaps empty for full at regular intervals - or is there method in their actions? Are they deliberately trying to keep me out of the way? Probably that Blanche again - or is she dead?

[JCJ]

As a fellow student at Lancaster was once heard to shout (repeatedly): will someone pleas tell me what the f***'s going on!

given up trying to fight the miniscule font on my phone and the page randomly scrolling itself up and down, and have reverted to kindle. I hope it behaves itself tonight - really haven't got the patience, especially with OH insistimg on listening to opera -or wailing women, as call it. been stuck in the car or cottage with his choice of music most of day and my nerves are frazzled! Should have known better than to mention the B word *whispers: "beach"*because that made it rain all day! 😞
I'e absolutely no idea who is playing (or related to/sleeping with) whom or what I'm supposed to be doing/saying. The only thing that makes any sense to me is the camels and the 2 sheiks: Yafist and Yerbooty.
I used BCC's search to find Benchland and it said «Did you mean england?» ha ha No!
heading home on Sat and have decided to break the journey and spend a night in a B&B in....Morecambe!! 🙂 I'l be thinking of yu all. and stearing clear of the Madland Hotel!

[grumpy]

Directors notes to cast:
1. I know the script allows ad libs, but honestly how can I block in the action when it keeps changing????
2. Props - can you make some vomit please. Not TOO realistic......
3. Chauffeur - we need to get you onstage, it is no good just sitting in the limo with the camels and muttering. You need to be IN the action not 'resting' outside
4. Purchase travel sickness pills for Millie Dog due to all the swaying about....
5. Makeup still needs attention, as does hairstyles. A nice Marcel wave be appropriate.
6. ASMs- could you sort more afternoon tea food please? The cast are consuming cake like it is going out of fashion.... why am I not surprised??
7. Cast taking cross gender roles must not MINCE on stage - we must not adopt stereotypes!
That's all for now, I shall now sob into my glitterberry juice juice quietly......
Grumpy and frazzled Dame

[Guest user]

Carry her to the chaise longue? Urggh! I feel pretty faint myself. Help, someone! Fetch the solicitor! I mean... fetch the doctor!
What's this? Blanche is clutching something in her right hand...looks like a sheet of paper?

[supertrouper]

OH MY GOODNESS Blanche has just been sick all down the front of my best day dress.

[katytc]

Whew need a seat now, jolly good fun though all that dancing think I even managed a smile!!
Afternoon Tea how lovely, sandwiches beautiful, and scrummy scones and cakes.
See that Blanche is her usual greedy self and has eaten most of the sandwiches.................oh my, golly gosh, she has just turned the most unbecoming of colours, purple! Doesn't suit her at all xx

[katytc]

Ooooooooooh Chester, you DO make me happy!!
One last jig before Afternoon Tea then, by the way cannot stand Milton with his smug, smiley mannerisms, will just Charleston on my own, here goes! xx

[millymolly_m]

Ellie sweetie, dooooo get a wriggle on, don't stand there like a cancelled stamp. Grab that gigolo Milton and act goofy. We NEED to know why he's acting the big cheese!

[foxyferret]

NO,NOT telling my kids that one!!

[Ali_H]

Now look ere, I'm not one to complain but....last night I was stuck out in the cold freezing my...ahem...personals...off, tonight I'm stuck out ere in the d**n car park again, just me trusty flask and me camels fer comp'ny. Wass goin on in there? Who's threatening me camels with a gun? Whaddya mean, running wild?? They ARE wild...least they keep me comp'ny, and sneak me one of them poncy scones evry now an again.......Why has my diction slipped so alarmingly?
(have cooked my son a special celebratory tea, fish fingers and beans. He needs to get used to eating on a student budget;) )

[Guest user]

Fabulous little jazz ensemble in the corner.
Come Blanche - you look magnificent by the way - let's do a bit of jitter-bugging! No - you want some more of those scrummy scones?
Eleanor? Charlotte Rose? Care to dance?

[millymolly_m]

Olive m'dear, hang around with this lot long enough and you'll see plenty of tips - some of them will be tips on how not to do it. Don't you let that sister of mine get you down. She's got far bigger things to worry about if what I've heard about her husband is even half true.
Now, where is that wretched man Edwin? I do hope he's careful with that big gun of his. Don't want those camels coming to any harm. With a bit of careful planning and some of dear Blanches spare dosh I might be able to rescue the Cairo fiasco after all!

[katytc]

Tee hee hee! Spluttering tea all over the laptop.
Very funny, Olive Ferret-Benchland, tell your kids that one!!! hahahahaha xx

[foxyferret]

Oh, report me then, I'm not bothered. I'm sleeping with the hotel manager so he won't take any notice of you. You'll be gone in a few days anyway.

[katytc]

Just spotted something yucky in my tea cup but all ok have just swapped cups with Claude Domville, he'll never notice!
That Olive is hopeless was going to leave her a silver sixpenny tip but have decided against it, have an old handkerchief, will leave her that instead much more useful, will still be reporting her............... xx

[foxyferret]

"Moaning Minnie?" Reporting Olive? Boring Claude? I'm getting a persecution complex.

"Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, just 'cos I eat worms......................"

[foxyferret]

As Olive - have sneezed all over the tea cup that I shall give to the person threatening to report me. Will laugh when they pour their tea! It's going to be difficult serving tea this afternoon as there seem to be camels everywhere.

As Minnie - will you please sit still Ma'am, while I try to do your hair (so that the bald bits don't show). Yes you look slim in that dress ( no you don't). Of course it's not too young for you (mutton dressed as lamb comes to mind.) Yes, the diamonds look superb (no they don't, far too OTT for afternoon tea.)

Loved Sheik Yafist MMM.

[Guest user]

Moaning Minnie, Blanche's maid, just popped her head in and told me to 'get a move on' - well, what she actually said was 'm'lady Blanche requests the pleasure of your company at the afternoon tea party'.
All set now for sandwiches & scones. Yummy, I'm starving!!

[katytc]

Oooh Chester haven't been called Ellie for years...........don't care what you've been up to you are still my beloved elder brother and you will always be my hero!
As for Blanche, I don't think she has a kind bone in her body and the way she stares at Milton De Witte.........well, they say there's no fool like and old fool!
Just have to powder my nose then down for Afternoon Tea, a few stiff gins needed methinks, can't bear Blanche at the moment..........
Ali/Archie get a hold of those camels, their behaviour is appalling in fact, they appear to be running wild! Edwin was blabbing something about getting the big guns out?
It's all too much, surely nothing else can happen????????????? xx

[millymolly_m]

(Well done offspring of Ali and Benedictus)
Hooray for that Milton chap letting me in last night. He sounded a bit squiffy to me. Strange that he kept banging on about Eleanor when I havent seen my kid sister for such a long time. I do hope he hasn't got the girls mixed up. He can ogle over Ellie all he likes but he'd better keep his beady eyes off my sweet innocent little Charlotte Rose.
I must find her mother, my poor dim Flora. I wonder how long I can stall her before we have to have THE discussion about the Cairo incident and the missing camels yet again. It should have been a good deal if the other darned beasts hadn't got away.
How was I to know that share prices would tumble when Sheik Yafist realised he was only getting one, not three camels as he requested?

I have invested in many things over the past years and have nothing to show for my effort.

Thank goodness my last and biggest investment by miles has been the time and energy I've put in to buttering up my ghastly sister all this time.

Now, time for some afternoon tea fun I think.

[grumpy]

Dog needs bath before Rehearsals....... POOH!!!!!!
Dame (very) Grumpy

[supertrouper]

I am sure someone spiked my drink last night - I can barely remember a thing! Somehow I managed to return to the Madlands as I awoke fully dressed on my bed, although for some reason my dress was on inside out and covered in brown hairs. Very funny smell in my room too and some strange sprinkle of powder next to the basin in the bathroom.

Very upsetting afternoon - Who can have poisoned poor Blanche - and who would have a reason for wanting her dead. I wonder if she had managed to change her will to leave everything to Milton.

[Ali_H]

Ummm......can I have my camels back please?? 😉

[Guest user]

What hit me? What happened last night??
Now I remember... I, Milton, popped out for a stroll after the Mac & Fries. Blanche went up to the penthouse suite. Came across Miss Delia Sparkle and shared a few (well, several) Magners. I had to practically carry her back to the Madlands - p****d as a newt!
Lots of banging on the door... I let Chester, Eleanor's husband in. He gave me a filthy look...rum fellow...then strutted straight past me and up the stairs. Anyway I have only just woken up - dreadful hangover! And what on earth... what are those strange furry looking things lying at the bottom of the bed!??