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stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

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Community Champion

Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

aaah now i see what you meanSmiley Sad

Goodness!!!! you waken him to make your breakfast tomorrow morning haha.

Tool set i want to play too.............

 

Had my review this morning not with consultant but a nurse (always consultant), anyways it was a questionnaire mmmmmmmmmmmmm, I feel trouble ahead, looks like the powers that be want to cut back and lido is on their list, would be absolutely devastated.............have tried all drugs apart from morphine and don't want to go there, lido is the only thing that does help. Was in big trouble prior to. He also said I have been "getting it for 5 years" could hardly believe it almost fell off my chair, haha. Really where does the time go??? Fingers crossed, they reconsider am sure lots of people will feel the same as me, will just have to wait and see.

It was superly cold here this morning, brrrrrrrrrrrrr, have had heating on all day. 

Have 3 GC here tomorrow, in service days, they were just off for a 2 week break................

Will have to go to bed at 7 tonight haha xx

 

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Glad you're on the mend. 

 

The problem with his "moods" is that anxiety sets the tremors and jaw clanking off - and the swallowing issues - so it feels like we're back to square one. He woke me at 5:30am today because he was panicky. Felt too wobbly to go downstairs, so he wanted me to go  and make his porridge (2 minute microwave variety) which makes me want to puke at the best of times. Then he went back to sleep and snored happily. I didn't (sleep. Or snore!) At 7am, when I needed to get my breakfast, he was in the way in the kitchen!!! Grrrrrr!

Just done the supermarket shop. Spent a huge amount. Not sure how. OH came in for a bit, further round the shop than he's managed in months, chose a present for GD (well I chose it for him and he agreed! Smiley Happy) wooden tool set. I want to play with it. Smiley Very Happy Then he went and sat in he car with the paper, so a much better day, after a dodgy start.

 

Great that there's no nausea after your Lido, I expect you've had enough nausea for the time being?

 

Colleague due to come back off maternity leave after Christmas and she's going on maternity leave again in April! Whoops! That wasn't planned! She'll have her work cut out with just 15 months between the babies! Hehehe 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Good news that trembling is much better, I mean that's brilliant reallySmiley Happy

If he has always had mood issues, nothing too different?? 

Am not managing full meals as yet but am soooooooooooooo much better, going up to see Mum later this afternoon, first time in 2 weeks............

Had my lido yesterday all went well, hurrah! No headache or nausea, well pleased.

Have local hospital tomorrow for a review.

Have had a few falls recently, think it maybe blood pressure to blame have felt a little unusual slight light headedness today, ah well could be worse haha .

Must fly and get ready such bad behaviour have not had my shower yet!! Will soon be bedtime xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I'm leaving a humongous supply of tea, cake, fish and chips, biscuits and other delectable delicacies to help get you through your hectic weeks, Katy. Hope your tummy is recovered enough to enjoy them. Smiley Very Happy

 

I was sent a lovely little video of GD standing on DIL's lap and using a tea towel to play peepo with Mummy & Mamma. Adorable. She loves to stand. She has such strong legs, I don't think she'll bother to crawl; just straight to walking - but I hope that isn't until after Christmas because our house is NOT toddler safe!!

 

Mincemeat is made. Ingredients for Christmas cake are on tomorrow's shopping list. Thanks to an online shopping binge last week, I've got all the (very few) presents I need to get except for DIL (no idea what she would like! - will have to consult YD!) and neighbour. Just finished knitting a jumper and matching hat for GD, using lovely dark purple wool that was in a bagful of odd balls of wool given to me by a colleague. All November birthday cards are made and I've printed off a photo I took of our friendly garden robin to use on some of the Christmas cards. That should help me make 40 cards quickly. I'm ahead of the game this year. Smiley Happy The benefit of working part time?! I say that now, but come a week before I'll be wondering where the time went? 

 

OH was much better over the weekend: a bit grumpy on Saturday, but fine yesterday - hardly any tremor even! Hurrah! Meds are working! No. Today has been awful. He manages to wind himself up about EVERYTHING and I have to battle not to get wound up myself. This afternoon, I had to stop him watching YouTube videos - one after another - about the Australian Bush fires. Yes, they're awful and I feel desperately sorry for anyone who's hurt or lost their home, but watching endless film about something so terrible, that you can do nothing about, is not good for one's mental health. Where's that sandpit? I need to stick my head in it. And his? Smiley Tongue

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

yes, at last, been a long,long week...........

sorry have not been here, yd and gs are here and have been hectic! next 2 weeks are worse, am unable to see any quiet time at all. am just going to go with the flow............

when things quieten down for oh, he maybe able to think about seeing them, could be really worth it.

it's sad about allotment but if it can't be managed, it's not worth it.

how are your girls doing?

sunshine here today but it is cold, hard frost this morning xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

It's been suggested that we ask for a referral to the mental health department at the hospital because they are more able to make links between the physical problems OH has and the psychological. However, we're already schlepping to the hospital to see 3 other consultants at the moment; I don't think even more appointments will help the situation!!

 

I think he is is supposed to be seeing the CBT specialist tomorrow - it's been weeks since he last saw her because he keeps having other appointments or pancking and cancelling. I haven't told school about it, so I hope he's either going by himself, in a taxi (yeh! Fat chance?) or he's not going.

 

He took a taxi into local town yesterday and asked to be picked up in the evening: he said he'd go to the library then the chippy cafe for tea and go to the pub. Yeh! Freedom! Smiley Very Happy First time in aaaaages that I've had the place myself, but I decided to take the chance to go to the volunteer allotment. Too late for the apples: they were all over the ground half-eaten by various different wildlife, but I got up a ton of onions which are now drying out in our garage before going to the food bank. I was just finishing off and wondering whether to get chippies myself for tea or microwave something out of the freezer, when he called to be picked up! We got chips to bring home. Grrrr. So much for time home alone! Still, I was very glad to get that job ticked off: it's been bugging me for ages that all our hard work will go to waste if we don't harvest what we planted. One more trip to get the leeks in and then that is us done with it. I've finally managed to persuade OH that it's too much for him. The Volunteer Centre will just have to get someone else to take over.

 

It was soooo wet and soggy, I'm sure I've got trench foot now! Cold and damp today. Won't be mowing the grass. Will have to stay on the CBA bench with a mugatea and cake. Again. Shame? Smiley Tongue

 

Are you starting to feel better yet Katy? Don't let YD give the lurg back to you! xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Woo hoo for the "positivity" JCJSmiley Happy, lovely to be appreciated!

Also glad the consultant visit was constructive, let's hope tabs have the desired effect.

Can they perhaps have psychology services involved? Always a thought.

 

Had to go out today and am paying for it.............the nausea............

Have had to cancel meeting regarding Mum, new date arranged, can't go up to see her because of this being contagious, grrrrrrr.

YD has bug now too and was throwing up earlier, it's nasty. xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

How are you doing, Katy? Starting to feel more like yourself, I hope.

 

Consultant was brilliant. We were with her for nearly an hour and she did lots of little tests, asked loads of questions and let us ask questions. She has prescribed another PD drug which SHOULD help reduce the tremors but it has to be introduced gradually: starting with 2mg and increasing by 2mg every 2 weeks up to 8mg. She doesn't expect it to be properly effective until he is up to the higher dose, but she says to stop increasing as soon as he notices a benefit. Fingers crossed this helps, but I'm pretty sure most of his problems, as they always have been, are psychological. 

 

Back at work today. Performance Management (wash my mouth out?!) I pointed out that setting new targets for next year was a tad pointless, as I won't be there this time next year! Smiley Sad She said I was already doing everything that was set anyway. Smiley Very Happy Lovely to get positive feedback and to hear her say that they appreciate I've got problems at home but are grateful for everything I do when I'm at school. Makes me feel like I'm doing something right, at least!

 

Came home at lunchtime, having left a job half done, so that OH wasn't getting stroppy. Wish I'd stayed at school. He's asleep in his chair at the moment so maybe he'll wake up in a better mood. Who knows? 

 

I've got the tubs planted up with the winter plants though, so that's another thing ticked off my half term "to do" list. Desperately need to mow the lawns but they're still so wet! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Thank you for the virtual hugsSmiley Happy, it's awful............just nipped over to nearest shop for bread, came back feeling even yuckier............ED and her brood are back to normal so it will just have to run it's course. 

You will need to emphasise to OH that it was his choice to have a "terrible" weekend, grrrrr, so if you are feeling guilty reassure yourself that he chose to do this and if he wants to stay in his room at X, well, so be it. Is it possible to speak to the person that gave you advice about continuing working? Might give you a little more confidence with the situation. What did consultant say?

 

Better news about car and glad it wasn't too expensive.

My book seems to be a little boring at the moment, started off good.........

Away to put my feet up for a little while, don't have to worry about tea haha, can't face food xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope you are feeling better today, Katy, if not, get well soon. Is it the stomach lurg your daughter had? Smiley Sad Hugs flying your way (and with virtual hugs I'm in no danger of catching the lurg myself. Win. Win. Smiley Tongue

Don't know where the week went. This time last week, the girls were here!

Just been to the farm shop for some fruit and veggies and I ordered the turkey while I was there. Hurrah! £10 deposit paid, so the girls had better come or we'll be eating a LOT of turkey by ourselves! 'though I'm dreading how OH will be - he took most of this week to get over the "trauma" of doing absolutely nothing with the girls last weekend!! Grrr! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Flying in and out feeling rather awful x hopefully be back soon x

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

It was a good job I didn't stay in town to wait for the car! I finally picked it up at 6pm! That would have been a LOT of cups of tea!! It all cost less than I was expecting, so that was a pleasant surprise and mechanic said I needn't be in any rush to get another car: this one should be good for a while. Smiley Happy 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

OH did sulk in his room all weekend but is still going on about what a terrible weekend he had. Using it as an excuse not to do anything he doesn't want to. Grrrr. Sooooo stressful having only daughter, DIL and GD here? And not even spending any time with them! I'm already dreading how he'll be at C-word. He's always been difficult at that time of year, but now......?!! Smiley Mad

 

I'm reading The Hallows by Victor Methos. Courtroom detective thing. New out this year. I got it for 99p on Amazon First Reads. Bargain. I'm enjoying it. It's helped pass the time while the car is in the garage!

 

Car back in today, for its welding. I had breakfast in the cafe again but was debating whether to get the bus home as it's going to be several hours until the car is ready and I don't want to waste any more money. And it's too cold to sit outside today. No sun. OH rang: having a panic attack. Again. No peace for the wicked? So I bussed it home. He was fine by the time I got back. Of course. Always improves after he's ruined my peace of mind/made me feel guilty for enjoying being out.

Can't motivate myself to get any of the long list of half term jobs done though - back on the reading bench. Indoors, but still cold. May have to put the heating back on early! Or get off my a*** and do something? *reaches for heating controls* Smiley Tongue

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Oooh sounds such a lovely morning, all leisurely, breakfast, reading etc, then the bombshell, typical.............

Cars are always trouble, you know it will be costly, is it worth the expense?? or as you say is this just the start?

Mmmmm regarding OH, ultimatum stay in your room or join in, big hugs, I sound such a meany?

GS has been a little challenging today, he is in his highchair shouting at the moment watching teletubbies, he really likes them and laughs at the bits he thinks are funny, very amusing to watch. He slept for 11 hours last night then has just had another 2 a short time ago, he is the opposite of youngest GD who hardly sleeps at all.......

What you reading JCJ? have just started blink am liking so far.

It's dark and grey here today also a tad chilly brrrrr xx

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

New job is probably why ED got the bug. She'll get everything going until she's built up immunity to all the new germs flying around! You are right, she can't go in if she's got a stomach bug. Get her to chuck that guilt into the lake!

 

Yesterday was awful. OH panicky and shaky all day. I just couldn't handle it. I was still feeling down after the girls going. We had words. He admitted he was jealous. I knew it! Told you he was behaving like an older sibling who's resenting a new baby. 

 

Today, I had to take the car in for its service and MOT. Early start (for half term) so I skipped breakfast, went straight out, dropped car off and walked to my favourite cafe for cooked breakfast! Nom Nom. Spent over an hour in there, leisurely eating, ordering another coffee and reading my kindle (other....) Wandered around town buying bits and pieces until I realised that the car had been a long time: alarm bells ringing that it was going to be expensive, so I'd better stop spending money like it was going out of fashion. Found a sunny bench and sat enjoying reading. I was just revelling in being out, by myself, when I remembered that I'd not organised any lunch, at home, for His Nibs. Started to fret that he'd be too shaky to get anything and having a melt down. Then I got a text from him: he'd got a taxi to same town and was waiting for me in supermarket cafe! Smiley Happy

 

Picked up car. It failed. Major welding required. Smiley Sad I was half expecting it: I've had it 10 years and most years it's sailed through with only really small repairs. It's going to cost me, but garage man says it is worth repairing as it's a lot less than a car of the same age would cost to buy. Booked back in for Thursday. I'll have to get up early again. Smiley Sad May have to have another breakfast in The Old Bakery. Shame? Smiley Tongue

 

Now debating whether to get a newer car before I finish work, while I can still afford it, because once cars start needing welding work it's a slippery slope towards spending more on repairs than their worth! I hate changing cars. So many dodgy dealers out there. Wish ES was still around: he found this one for me. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Just waiting for chaos to commence!

Had to go into town today, grrrrrrrrrrrr, thought I was super organised yesterday but no...........

Mum wasn't her usual self she also takes anti dep and tabs have been reduced so will phone doc tomorrow to see if it's actually started.

ED a little better but not great she has been feeling oh so guilty because new job and off already, I keep telling her she has to be better first, think she has that rotavirus, so she wouldn't be allowed in anyway.

After last year and the X word where things were difficult, I am well on the way to being finished this year haha. I love that I have no running around or standing in queues etc hurrah! 

3 presents to buy, one is money so really only 2, woo hoo scooby booby doo xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Good you stood your ground JCJ, it's so difficult to deal with cause you don't know the best way to handle these situations, maybe strictness and the firm approach is best. Hope the rest of your day is better.

 

Have been into town already, am going up to see Mum in a couple of hours, then down to see ED, it's all go!

There is method in my madness because the rest of the week is busy and this is the only free day I have.

Sun is shining but it's oh so cold, left the heating on all last night and couldn't breathe this morning haha. xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Here we go again! Smiley Mad So much for a half term lie in! OH woke me up at 4am, for over an hour, and again at 7 with his panicky shaking. He can't blame my going to work *this* time?! He'll no doubt blame the girls' visit because it was SO stressful for him to hide in the bedroom all weekend?! If he spoils the whole holiday, I'm going to revise my decision to retire in July! Looking after a 7 month old is easier than living with him! 

Yesterday afternoon, because it was lovely and sunny, and to take our (my) mind(s) off the girls going, we had a couple of hours at a local water park, which was VERY watery - all the footpaths were in the lakes! OH announced, about 200 yards into the journey, that he couldn't go because he felt "unwell".  I lost it with him. Told him to stop behaving like a spoilt toddler. I refused to take him home and, when he said he might be sick, told him he wouldn't be and that if he was he could clean it up himself! Of course, a couple of hours amongst lovely scenery and he felt much better - but he's never going to admit I was right!! I reminded him that the consultant said he needed to get out and about.

 

Frosty and foggy this morning. Brrrr! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Aaaaah JCJ, you are doing the right thing, keep busy, busy.

Just think you had a great time, got to know your grandbaby a little better, your girls enjoyed themselves, you had their complete trust and you did your "magic Nana" stuff, all good, happy and lovely memoriesSmiley Happy

 

No toy fair ED has been so sick, GS and one GD joining in, went along this morning to help a little, YD and myself had this bug a few years ago and the memory of it stays with you FOREVER. Yuck, both GC looked ok but ED is floored, not like her at all so you know it must be bad.............

Have been home for a while now and also must get on, have loads to do but decided the CBA bench was calling me, bad behaviour.

Was saying to ED last night I couldn't recall when I was actually diagnosed and had to really rattle my brain to figure out the year, what am I like??? xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

They've gone.  CSL bench. It gets harder and harder to see them leave. Smiley Sad I've had to give myself a good talking to: they'll be back in 2 months for Christmas!

DIL (a worrier) said Cher was amazing: definitely worth the stress of leaving GD. I'm soooo glad they enjoyed it; they've been looking forward to it for over a year and I was worried it could be a big disappointment.

Right, must get busy so I don't wallow in self pity - OH already doing enough of that for ALL of us!! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Aaaaah that's lovely JCJ, so pleased girls are having fun!!

An honour indeed must be all that Nana magicSmiley Happy

Work that magic on OH too and send him off to bed hee hee.

Sending you a small glitterberry juice, feet up and lots of lalalala's in your head xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Magic Nana has done her stuff! Smiley Very Happy GD fast asleep. Anxious 10 minutes when she didn't want to be held or be put down and screamed Blue murder, but she stopped before I could get the pram organised for emergency plan B  walk around the block as many times as necessary! I messaged YD and DIL, who are like a couple of over excited teenagers at the Cher concert, so they can relax and enjoy their special treat. It's the first time they've been out together and left GD. I'm honoured that they trusted me! Handling her granddad is harder work. Such a grump! Grrrr! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

You def couldn't send them a worried look?? They would be back home asap haha!

Menu sounds lovely for baby, is she a good eater?

My two grandbabies, one ate superly well until his croup and the other is fussy, so think they are both fusspots nowSmiley Frustrated

Am not seeing ED so much now she is back at work so sent her a text saying where are you? Missing our chats, an hour or so later she was at the door haha. We are going to a Toy Fair tomorrow, see if we can pick up some bargains, woo hoo!

YD is also missing in action, she will be back this week coming so I go from total quiet to chaos............

 

Had to purchase a new chariot, it's brilliant, much better than the last one, I think I say that every time?? Decided to spectacularly fall, flat on my face, chariot saved me from sustaining too much injury but was damaged and bits had broken off, grrrrr! New one is shiny, shiny and leg parts are not as long so you won't trip JCJ hahaha xx 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

An hour into babysitting and it's going well. Dinner eaten - my pureed chicken casserole followed by mashed banana and stewed apple. Now sitting singing and playing happily with her toys on the floor.  Tried to send a photo to mummy but every time the camera clicks GD looks worried.

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope the babysitting isn't too onerous, Katy, and that you enjoy at least some of the time with your GC!

Also hope there have been no more mum dramas. At least she was fine though. 

We've had a really up and down week, but hopefully, having been given some new meds at the docs on Wednesday, things will improve. He's had fewer panicky shaky attacks and sleeps through the night - (except when he forgot to take it on Thursday night: Friday was hideous! Smiley Sad

On Monday, I rang the counselling service and spoke for nearly an hour with a wonderful woman who told me that I definitely shouldn't give up my job and gave me some things to say to OH about what he can do to help himself and be less dependent on me. OH thought I was ringing, as he'd asked me to, to arrange a carer to come in to keep him company while I was at work on Tuesday. As an introduction to putting forward the ideas the counsellor suggested, I told him that the carers were too busy supporting people who LIVE on their own ALL the time, or who need help with getting meals, personal care or dressing, none of which he does. As I'm here for 20 out of every 24 hours he doesn't really qualify! That hit home! He actually looked a bit sheepish, but it didn't stop him panicking about me going to work. Hence docs on Wednesday. Fingers crossed the new meds can improve things for him. It's what the consultant prescribed last Friday, but doc says OH doesn't need to reduce his other antidepressant. I need this to work; I'm so fed up of worrying about messing school about, even though everyone understands and is very supportive. 

 

YD rang me while I was sitting in the car during the Friday night swimming taxi service (the taxi doesn't swim haha) It was lovely to talk to her. I miss her so much, especially when OH is being difficult. She cheered me up immensely by saying they've decided to come to us for Christmas again as they both love my Christmas, especially the food! Smiley Very Happy I have always said that I didn't expect them to come once they had children, as we refused to go away at Christmas after we had ES. Boxing Day or New Year was for visiting, Christmas was ours at home. YD says she doesn't care if  OH is a pain, she and DIL can take some of the strain and I can enjoy seeing GD. She said I need something to look forward to. Sooo true. I've not told him: it'll only give him something else to stress about! 

 

Oops! Sorry! Mentioned the "C-word" rather too many times. Too soon! Smiley Happy 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Stuff happened with Mum, so was upsetting, Mum was fine, we weren't haha.

Babysitting starts officially tomorrow, one GC only for part of the week, so all ok there, but next week is a stinker..........

GD for 5 days, they have asked ED to start work early and GS also for three of the days. Nursery starts thereafter for them both so will be much easier then!!! We have purchased a double buggy so I can get out and about haha.

 

Phone them in car park when you finish work, prob easier to do that. Not sure about you giving up work, big decisions, only you can make the right choice, fingers crossed for you. It is a dilemmaSmiley Frustrated

Pouring with rain here, seemingly it is raining for the next two weeks, yuck xx

 

 

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

On no! Sorry you are having a bad time, Katy. Hugs. xx How is your mum? Is the baby sitting going OK? Everything alright with your Ds? 

 

I actually slept all night and woke up by myself at nearly half past 8. OH didn't call me until he heard me getting up, and he'd not been awake very long. He's still recovering from 2 appointments in 2 days, so he's still very jittery. I'm coping better because I slept! Got the "should I give up work" debate in a constant loop in my head - answer swings violently from "hand in 4-week notice NOW " to "Stick the year out as planned" Or maybe I could further reduce my hours so I only do 3 mornings? Our academy pays into a well being service so I'm going to ring them for advice. They may point out some other options. Trouble is finding a time when I can do it without OH around! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Thought I was having a bad time....................you are well ahead JCJ.

Am so sorry things are full of anxiety for you at the moment, must be awful.

What do you do?? If you leave work, will it be less stressful for you? or will it be worse?

You may be able to decide after you see consultant.

My heart goes out to you, big hugs flying your way xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

What a week! Had to take the day off work, on Tuesday, because OH was in a shaky panicky mess again. He was suddenly, miraculously, much better when it got too late for me to go to work! Grrrrr! He is definitely obsessed with the idea that I should give up work and be here for him all the time - I'm fighting hard against that! I NEED that contact with the outside world - and has decided he's afraid to be alone at home (though that didnt seem to be a problem on Wednesday afternoon when I took two of the volunteers to harvest some of the allotment stuff, trying to give him one less thing to stress about!)

On Wednesday, just before the end of the morning, I checked my phone and there was a missed call from home number over an hour before. And a voicemail message. Listened to the message and it was just a high pitched garbled  voice. Tried to ring home number and OH's mobile. No answer on either. Spoke to headteacher, who is being very understanding - at the moment, at least - and dashed out of school and forced myself to drive safely home.  Got in house. 3 radios and the TV on but couldn't find OH in any room and no answer when I called. Couldn't see him out of the windows anywhere. Started to feel really guilty for standing firm and speaking to him rather sharply when he was begging me not to go ot work that morning. Imagined all sorts of horrific scenarios. Heard a sound I recognised. Looked out of window into back garden and saw him cutting the hedge. He was fine. He'd rung me because he got upset when someone was nice to him on the phone and had rung off without leaving a message: the noise I heard must have been a combination of the TV in the living room and the radio in the kitchen!! Took me a good while to calm down!

Yesterday, he had his 2nd session with the CBT therapist, (so I was late into work) which stressed him out and today we've been to see the (non PD) consultant, (another day off work!) so last night he was awake and panicky in the night and up before 6 - getting me up as well, and I'd barely slept Smiley Mad

Wish we had cancelled this appointment as it has just left us confused (and exhausted after no sleep!) consultant disagreed with GP about best antid's to take. OH very unhappy with the suggestion to reduce the one he's on (and psychologically attached to) and take something else. Wouldn't prescribe any new PD meds because we're seeing the neurologist next month. Watse of time. However, he did tell us that we should still get an appointment through for the orthopaedic consultant but that the knee xray was normal. Oh. Guess there's nothing to fix there then. Smiley Sad Also, he's going to refer us to swallowing clinic because OH is still not chewing his food when he's stressed.

I'm starting to question my determination to keep working mornings until July.: love my job, enjoy seeing the kids and colleagues and need the break from the tedium at home, but I do wonder if life might be easier if I just handed my notice in. But the thought makes me want to cry and then he will have "won"..... and we'll just move onto the next battle?

Anyway rambled on too long. Hope all Benchlanders are OK. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Two really good days this week. Much more settled. OH seemed to have adapted to me being back at work. He's been calmer and less shaky. Even started getting taxis and doing the things he used to do, before the summer holiday. Hurrah! Methinks, the meds are working. However, just got back from swimming and he's in a right state again: building up to yet another s****y weekend? Every time I dare to look forward and make tentative plans. Every time. Smiley Mad I'm NOT going to stop going swimming, but this is the third week in a row my going has "made him ill". Grrrrr. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Prob best if he attends both, first one may be able to give advice on what to do? and where to go for a more structured day. No harm, know it will prob be difficult even getting there. Hopefully he will be truthful about what is happening (you always try to make things sound better than they actually are) if not you will have to step in. It is affecting you both.

Can you phone consultant? Even if you can pass on a message from secretary so consultant is fully informed for the appt which means he will be able to ask your OH pertinent questions.

Glad you are happy going to work, gives you time to be yourself again.

Your poor girls..........GD is usually fine but last week.........ED is also coping with limited sleep.

Hours have kinda been sorted for YD so more positive news there.

It's pouring with rain here, yuck, have to go out but can hang off, hopefully weather will calm down.

Think it's def hayfever, have no carpets only rugs and have had sofas for around 18 months now. When I go outside in the morning am choked up after a few minutes and it looks as though I have been crying for hours.............am not going to go through this next year, will try everything, haha. xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Oooh! There's someone in BENCHLAND! Yay! It's been eerily deserted. I was starting to wonder if the alligators had eaten everyone! Smiley Tongue

Just a thought, Katy, have you had new carpets or upholstered furniture recently? I had a colleague once who suddenly developed ""hay fever" which lasted all year. Eventually, they discovered it was the chemicals in her new carpet: the glue?

 

It's good to be back at work. I have enjoyed working with the kids, getting out of the house  and seeing other people, but it's very stressful because OH has made it very clear that he really doesn't want me to go. Major panic attacks all the week before I went back. However, I've made it very clear that I NEED to go to work as I will go insane if I have to be here 24/7 with him.

 

He manages OK while I'm away, but I feel guilty and worry about him, so it's not the complete escape I need. I think we're going to have to investigate the possibility of carers coming in, or a befriending service - although as there are SO many people who actually live alone, he would hardly be a priority as I'm here every afternoon!! He's up and down; for brief spells he seems like his old self. Sometimes he seems to have trouble eating: he puts food in his mouth then seems to forget to chew or swallow it and will shove some more in - like a flipping hamster! Dementia? PD swallowing issues? Other times he eats normally, although VERY slowly. Perhaps it's just the depression, which has similar symptoms to dementia, according to my research. Will have to ask the neurologist when we see her in October. He's driving me nuts with the "I'm not well" card every time there's something he doesn't want to do... or hear!! Grrrr!  Still undecided about whether to cancel the consultant appointment on 20th Sept  as it will be with a non - specialist geriatric consultant, and we have the Oct appointment with a neurological consultant, but he's been so ill that I don't want to leave it until October; we might be able to get the next PD meds which may help. Or not. Who knows?

 

GD is doing the same as yours, KTC, and waking up several times a night. The girls are run ragged but there's nothing I can do to help from here. Smiley Frustrated

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

No I think it's great to be excited haha!!

Hope you are doing well back at work.................

And OH is ok.................

 

Am on the "fed up" bench, seem to be going round and round in circles and never obviously getting to the end!!

The hayfever is driving me crazy, who would have thought?? it's soooooooooooooo annoying, first year in my life that I want summer/autumn to end.

Mum was not the best ever when I was up, a little confused after weeks of being super good, ah well.

YD's hour change is now not acceptable, WHAT?? So will need to see how that goes...............grrr.

Did a small bit of babysitting for ED, both grandaughters, youngest is def hard work, had to go to bed at 8.30 to recover, haha. She is up every 4 hours at night and very rarely sleeps during the day, regression they call it now..........

On a happier note am thinking of buying a bureau and new bookcase, problem is delivery, I can't at the moment be home for the dates they are offering, grrrrrrrrrrrr! Have wanted a writing bureau for years and yearsSmiley Happy

Think I should be on the "moany, whiny" bench now!! xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Are you going to be babysitting both the smallest GC, KTC? Every day?? Crazy indeed.

 

We're having good days and bad ones. Just when I think the meds are doing their thing he reverts back to stressing and shaking. It's worse when he's hungry - and the constant shaking is burning calories all the time - so I'm having to make sure meals are ready earlier than before. I can't plan to do anything because I just don't know how he'll be. Today, I wanted to get the supermarket shop done because it's usually quiet on a Bank Holiday Monday, and I needed to go SOMEWHERE as we've not been away from the house and garden all weekend. OH said he'd come with me. We got in the car. It was hot, obviously, because it had been sat in the sun. We hadn't gone 50 yards before he announced that he couldn't do it so I had to drive around the block and take him home. Grrr. On the plus side, I still went and I enjoyed the relative freedom - even if it was only shopping! I didn't rush.

 

Tomorrow, he has a telephone assessment with a mental health therapist, so we'll see what she/he says. On Wednesday, I'm meeting a friend for a cuppa and a catch up. He can come into town with me and go to the library, or he can fester at home but I'm definitely going! Back to work next week so he's going to have to get used to me not being here. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. It's been many, many years since I've been at home for so much of the summer holiday, with no YD camping or MMU. Smiley Sad

 

Exciting news: last night, while I was sat. in the garden enjoying the cooler air, 2 juvenile hedgehogs came to see me! We've been providing dried mealworms and water to an adult hedgehog for a few weeks now, but these were definitely smaller. So our garden is home to at least 3 hedgehogs! It is ridiculous how happy  that has made me! Smiley Very Happy

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Not too bad weekend, crazy, crazy starts tonight. 

YD and GS expected shortly, she starts work tomorrow, just a refresh. Doesn't really sound like a refresh as she will be working almost the same as she used to haha.

ED is going back with her on Fri then I am going to stay for a few days.

It's hot here have been trying to avoid the sunshine, which is sad..............

Have been looking for a double buggy as will def need one or I will be stuck at home, don't need till Oct so have plenty of time to search around.

Am still being plagued with hay fever,  most days am frightened to look in the mirror, scary stuff indeed.........xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Happy YD made you smileSmiley Happy, makes all the difference.

Great that your son is doing well, and also cheering you up.

Fingers crossed tablets will do the trick and there is nothing else.

 

Not too bad this week, just trying hard to avoid the showers............

GS started school, all children went in no bother but next day they were all crying haha. ED asked him how he got on and he said he had made no friends and he had no one to play with, ED's heart missed a beat. Big sister said she saw him running and playing with lots of children, what's he like???

About to saunter into town shortly, yes I said it, saunter, woo hoo xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Yes, walkabout, he does have PD, and I suspect he's starting to get dementia too, but that could just be the depression & anxiety which will hopefully improve if we've finally got the meds sorted. I hope so.  I always said I hadn't the patience to work with the elderly and confused - never mind LIVE with them!! 

 

YD rang last night and we had a long chat/moan. I won't repeat any of her suggestions but they made me laugh. She knows her dad so well and knows just what to say to cheer me up. Smiley Very Happy

 

Also "talked" (texts) with ES for the first time in ages. He was, of course, rude about my sat nav! Smiley Tongue He is convinced that he will get PD too, thinks he has some of the early warning symptoms. He's always been a bit of a hypochondriac so I tried to persuade him that just because it is sometimes hereditary doesn't mean he's bound to get it. He sent me pictures of some of the projects he's completed for clients - he has is own property improvement business; they were amazing! Proud mummy moment. Smiley Happy 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

JCJ does your husband have Parkinson’s ? My dad had Parkinson’s with vascular dementia. With both it is a very hard disease to live with as movement and cognition go.I hope you got some rest in your holiday. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Sorry. Self-obsessed, as ever. Woo Hoo re ED's job, Katy!! Smiley Very Happy

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

image.pngThis has been today's "Happy Color" (colouring by numbers app) picture. It gave me a much needed smile! Smiley Happy

BENCHLAND is still helping me smile even though the current problems are completely non BC related! OH in anxious/tremor/panic loop. Again. Just had talk with doc on phone. He's going to up the dose of the anti d. he's been on for years, as that may help, and we know he can tolerate that. Apparently, it IS still one of the best anti d.s but isn't prescribed much for that any more because most people can't tolerate it! Fingers crossed this sorts it, because life is **** at the moment. For both of us. Been up half the night with him stressing, shaking and sweating! :'( Need to shop but daren't leave the house while he's in this state! *scavenges in cupboards for something edible*

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Glad you arrived home safe and sound, have been thinking of you, hurrah for the sat nav!!

Maybe it's a good idea to shorten holidays, I know reality really hits when you return haha

Back to the mundane...........

Great all your girls enjoyed the camping even though it was a little challengingSmiley Happy

 

ED has the job, phone call confirming Fri morning so all good, she doesn't start until Oct so gives her time to get her head around things.

We celebrated with takeaway and bottle of wine, woo hoo.

No party for Mum and I, was sooooooooooooooo relieved haha Mum was never going to go anyway...........

Catch up with shopping today, supermarket and shops around about, will go when I move from the "CBA" bench, not feeling it will be any time soon.

Don't worry JCJ we can do it another time, so something we can look forward to, no point when things are difficult, you would just be wondering what was going on all the time, big hugs xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope the party wasn't too grim. Smiley Happy You are right. Enjoy the family whilst they're there. Plenty of time for tidying up when they've gone! Good news about YD's work. Fingers crossed for Ed's interview. If she doesn't get it, she can console herself with the fact that it was good interview practice and it is possibly a bit too soon to be going back to work? 

 

We are home. It's been a strange holiday: same ****, different place. A couple of times, during the fortnight he got into the anxiety-shaking-panicking cycle.  One morning he said "I need a doctor" and I snapped at him: "NO you don't. You just need to calm down. You'll get even more anxious if we have to find and visit a doctor. Shall I call for an ambulance? That usually works!" He stopped shaking immediately!! That makes me rather less sympathetic, I'm afraid: he CAN stop it. 

 

Yesterday, OH had worked himself up into such a state, fretting about the journey home, that he refused to leave the cottage. Again. (even though we've talked about the fact that getting out helps him!) I was furious, and left him to it; going off for a long walk by myself then driving to the chippy to fetch fish and chips for us for dinner. I found myself thinking how nice it would be to holiday on my own! I also decided that I probably won't bother booking another holiday, certainly not for 2 weeks. It's just not worth the stress.

Smiley Sad Now we are home, though, I realise it was good to get away, so maybe....?

 

I used the satnav to get us home. It worked brilliantly and brought us back a non motorway route (he gets sooo anxious if we go faster than 50 or 60mph and motorways terrify him!) without me having to memorise a route. Oh can no longer even follow written directions in a car, never mind read a map. This cr***y disease has slowed down his thinking/processing abilities sooo much. Dementia here we come? :'(

 

We carted the wheelchair around, taking up space permanently in the car, and he used it just the once! Grrrr! Smiley Sad He said he can't stand being in it because this time last year he was driving a car. I pointed out that this time NEXT year he could be completely housebound and might look back with regret that he didn't make the most of getting out while he could.!! 'll let that sink in. We'll see.

 

Loads of laundry, garden jobs and shopping to be done but I'm on the kn******* bench tonight (I woke up very early stressing about how I was going to get him home if he was still in the state he was in yesterday. Wasted energy. He's not been too bad at all today!!) Plenty of time tomorrow - and the next 2 weeks, because Norecambe doesn't look any more hopeful. Gutted. :'(

 

The girls survived GD' s first camping trip. YD said there were challenges but it hasn't put them off. Smiley Very Happy

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

After such a lovely day, down to earth with a crunch, am not sure how to give you any encouraging advice??

You can always say if you are not going to do anything, perhaps it's better that we stay home from now on cause one day of happiness is not enough............

Of course you do have to make changes but the person also has to be willing to change too, it's a hard fact to learn that you are unable to do things the way you used to and mentally it is difficult but what is the choice realistically you either vegetate or live your life the best you can. It may not be possible everyday but every other day is good.

If it is an operation to fix knee then so be it, it will be fixed...........

You know your OH best and fingers crossed he will wake up!!!

 

YD and GS are here, house is like a bomb has hit haha, am enjoying it though and am curbing my "tidy up" gene. Can do it tomorrow, that's what I mean about another day and enjoying life.

She has work sorted and they have agreed to reduced hours so all good there.

ED had her first interview yesterday, it went well, she should know next week.

Am off to a party in the next hour or so it's mums birthday soon and other residents so they have decided to throw a party, mum doesn't want to go, neither do i haha xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Today we did nothing. He said he hated every minute of being in the wheelchair. I give up. 😭

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Thank you, Katy, for your support, as always.  Smiley Happy xx

MUCH better day today. OH very contrite and apologetic this morning, said he realised he's been focusing too much on his own problems and feeling sorry for himself. (much like I was last night Smiley Embarassed) He said he wanted me to be happy and we'd do what I wanted today. I made a nice salad lunch and then we drove down to a promenade we've been to before so I knew where the toilets were and where to park. It was busier than last time but we found a space. Then we walked along the prom *with him in the wheelchair* hurrah!! He was grudging at first, but I think he did appreciate that it was better. Back to car. Ice cream. I had a paddle in the sea. Yey! At last.) Then he said he'd walk to the toilets and I knew they were further than he thought, so I went with him with the chair. Do you know he walked sooo much better because he wasn't panicking about freezing or his knee hurting too much. When he couldn't walk any more, he just got in the chair. A major breakthrough - fingers crossed! Back to car and I walked into town to fetch us pizza and wedges. Nom Nom Nom. Spent ages, sat in the car, eating pizza, drinking tea (I bought the flask today!) watching the boats on the sea and all the goings on on the beach and the prom. In the end it was me that had to drag HIM away. He's so much more relaxed tonight, but he'll never admit he enjoyed today! Smiley Tongue It's all I wanted. A proper day at the seaside. I'm happy now. No more bench smashing.

 

I've restored both the CSL bench and the FF bench to their former glory and I'm currently supping tea on the Good Citizen bench. Whilst waiting for the pizza, I went outside and saw a debit card on the floor under a bench. It didn't belong to the lady sitting on the bench so I took it back into the pizza shop (pub game: match the spots!) and asked if the Mr G P***** might be a customer of theirs. The guy pointed to his colleague! The card belonged to someone who worked in the pizza shop and  he didn't even know he'd lost it!! He was soooo grateful. I'm glad I stopped somebody else using it contactlessly (is that even a word?) and clearing out his account. Pats self on head. Smiley Very Happy

 

Tomorrow, I will let OH choose what we do. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Just saw your posts JCJ am so sorry sending you huge hugs and lots of love xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Just smashed the CSL bench to pieces with the FF one. Sorry. I will replace it.

 

OH just said that my melt down upset him and that HE's the one that is ill. He actually said, "You're killing me" (Don't even tempt me!!) Oh. Sorry. I temporarily forgot that I'm not allowed to have feelings and frustrations even though my life is hugely restricted by this **** disease too. Grrrrrr.

 

I so need a proper holiday, but that's not going to happen. 

 

Right. Got to stop feeling sorry for myself - or letting him see when I'm struggling . Onwards and upwards. Paste the smile back on. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Just had a bit of a melt down that I didn't manage to hide from OH. 2 days of nearly constant wind and rain when we've been stuck in the cottage. I did manage to nip to the local shop on Saturday, and had a walk for about an hour after the rain stopped yesterday, but otherwise we've been pretty cooped up. Today has been sunny, on and off, so after lunch, we set off for a nearby seaside town to test the sat nav. Worked great. Got there fine, but then the troubles started! Usual problem of where to park. OH still not using wheelchair. I found a space on the prom. OH said he'd had a panic attack in the car and his chest hurt. Smiley Sad We hobbled to a bench. When he felt better, I went off to find a supermarket for a quick food shop. As usual, bought more than I intended and had to carry it all back to the car. On the way back I met OH struggling to walk the 300 yards to the toilets. "Stay there. I'll get the car." Nightmare getting out of parking space and when I eventually get back to OH, a well meaning but thoroughly annoying man had forced him to sit on a chair, fetched from a nearby kiosk, because he looked so unwell, despite his assurances that I was on my way and he was fine. I thought something terrible had happened! Anyway. Drive to loos. Then he says he wanted to "get away from the traffic to a quiet park inland somewhere" Oh. OK. I'll just conjure one up shall I? Study map - and sat nav - can't find anywhere suitable. Want cup of tea. Desperately. Find cafe. It's nearly 5, so it's closing. OH announces we may as well go back to cottage. So I drive back. 

"It's a good job I bought something we can have for dinner"

"Why wouldn't you?"

BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY EAT OUT SOMEWHERE SO I DONT HAVE TO COOK..... AGAIN!! Shouted that in my head, not out loud, of course!

So, we finally got to go out and all I did was the food shop and run around after him. I was ****ed off to say the least. Alternating between the CSL bench and the FF one. I've put them next to each other so I can have one buttock on each.

Steak pie is cooking in oven and I've prepped some veg. So much for a paddle in the sea and a pub meal. Smiley Sad

It may have made him realise that it'll make my life easier if he'd use the damn chair! He's also said he should have agreed to try the other anti d.s before we came away. So some progress, I suppose.

Rant over. Normality - the latest version of it anyway - will be restored shortly. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Brilliant BB and that you are happily using it all over the place, makes a huge difference, no more parking tickets etc unless you place the badge upside down or something like that haha.

Have you been playing with the sat nav?? 

Good luck to you with that haha.

Hopefully you are succeeding with OH and the chair.

Still constantly raining here............

Have been on a new bench the "supremely lazy" it's next to the "CBA" bench so I can hop between the two without having to move too much...........

Am just waiting for YD and GS to arrive, they have a couple of appts this week, one being deciding a return to work date.

GS has his 8 month screening, he is 10 months old now but they have to deduct 8 weeks because he was premature, can hardly believe it, where has the time gone?

ED is also busy this week she has a job interview, she is in two minds about going back to work this early but this is a good time to apply. Will just have to wait and see...........xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

PS no daft rules, Katy. Smiley Very Happy

PPS sooo glad I fought to get the Blue badge. Used it 3 times today. And it's free to park here with a BB! Yay!