stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

[supertrouper]

OH MY GOODNESS Blanche has just been sick all down the front of my best day dress.

[katytc]

Whew need a seat now, jolly good fun though all that dancing think I even managed a smile!!
Afternoon Tea how lovely, sandwiches beautiful, and scrummy scones and cakes.
See that Blanche is her usual greedy self and has eaten most of the sandwiches.................oh my, golly gosh, she has just turned the most unbecoming of colours, purple! Doesn't suit her at all xx

[katytc]

Ooooooooooh Chester, you DO make me happy!!
One last jig before Afternoon Tea then, by the way cannot stand Milton with his smug, smiley mannerisms, will just Charleston on my own, here goes! xx

[millymolly_m]

Ellie sweetie, dooooo get a wriggle on, don't stand there like a cancelled stamp. Grab that gigolo Milton and act goofy. We NEED to know why he's acting the big cheese!

[foxyferret]

NO,NOT telling my kids that one!!

[Ali_H]

Now look ere, I'm not one to complain but....last night I was stuck out in the cold freezing my...ahem...personals...off, tonight I'm stuck out ere in the d**n car park again, just me trusty flask and me camels fer comp'ny. Wass goin on in there? Who's threatening me camels with a gun? Whaddya mean, running wild?? They ARE wild...least they keep me comp'ny, and sneak me one of them poncy scones evry now an again.......Why has my diction slipped so alarmingly?
(have cooked my son a special celebratory tea, fish fingers and beans. He needs to get used to eating on a student budget;) )

[Guest user]

Fabulous little jazz ensemble in the corner.
Come Blanche - you look magnificent by the way - let's do a bit of jitter-bugging! No - you want some more of those scrummy scones?
Eleanor? Charlotte Rose? Care to dance?

[millymolly_m]

Olive m'dear, hang around with this lot long enough and you'll see plenty of tips - some of them will be tips on how not to do it. Don't you let that sister of mine get you down. She's got far bigger things to worry about if what I've heard about her husband is even half true.
Now, where is that wretched man Edwin? I do hope he's careful with that big gun of his. Don't want those camels coming to any harm. With a bit of careful planning and some of dear Blanches spare dosh I might be able to rescue the Cairo fiasco after all!

[katytc]

Tee hee hee! Spluttering tea all over the laptop.
Very funny, Olive Ferret-Benchland, tell your kids that one!!! hahahahaha xx

[foxyferret]

Oh, report me then, I'm not bothered. I'm sleeping with the hotel manager so he won't take any notice of you. You'll be gone in a few days anyway.

[katytc]

Just spotted something yucky in my tea cup but all ok have just swapped cups with Claude Domville, he'll never notice!
That Olive is hopeless was going to leave her a silver sixpenny tip but have decided against it, have an old handkerchief, will leave her that instead much more useful, will still be reporting her............... xx

[foxyferret]

"Moaning Minnie?" Reporting Olive? Boring Claude? I'm getting a persecution complex.

"Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, just 'cos I eat worms......................"

[foxyferret]

As Olive - have sneezed all over the tea cup that I shall give to the person threatening to report me. Will laugh when they pour their tea! It's going to be difficult serving tea this afternoon as there seem to be camels everywhere.

As Minnie - will you please sit still Ma'am, while I try to do your hair (so that the bald bits don't show). Yes you look slim in that dress ( no you don't). Of course it's not too young for you (mutton dressed as lamb comes to mind.) Yes, the diamonds look superb (no they don't, far too OTT for afternoon tea.)

Loved Sheik Yafist MMM.

[Guest user]

Moaning Minnie, Blanche's maid, just popped her head in and told me to 'get a move on' - well, what she actually said was 'm'lady Blanche requests the pleasure of your company at the afternoon tea party'.
All set now for sandwiches & scones. Yummy, I'm starving!!

[katytc]

Oooh Chester haven't been called Ellie for years...........don't care what you've been up to you are still my beloved elder brother and you will always be my hero!
As for Blanche, I don't think she has a kind bone in her body and the way she stares at Milton De Witte.........well, they say there's no fool like and old fool!
Just have to powder my nose then down for Afternoon Tea, a few stiff gins needed methinks, can't bear Blanche at the moment..........
Ali/Archie get a hold of those camels, their behaviour is appalling in fact, they appear to be running wild! Edwin was blabbing something about getting the big guns out?
It's all too much, surely nothing else can happen????????????? xx

[millymolly_m]

(Well done offspring of Ali and Benedictus)
Hooray for that Milton chap letting me in last night. He sounded a bit squiffy to me. Strange that he kept banging on about Eleanor when I havent seen my kid sister for such a long time. I do hope he hasn't got the girls mixed up. He can ogle over Ellie all he likes but he'd better keep his beady eyes off my sweet innocent little Charlotte Rose.
I must find her mother, my poor dim Flora. I wonder how long I can stall her before we have to have THE discussion about the Cairo incident and the missing camels yet again. It should have been a good deal if the other darned beasts hadn't got away.
How was I to know that share prices would tumble when Sheik Yafist realised he was only getting one, not three camels as he requested?

I have invested in many things over the past years and have nothing to show for my effort.

Thank goodness my last and biggest investment by miles has been the time and energy I've put in to buttering up my ghastly sister all this time.

Now, time for some afternoon tea fun I think.

[grumpy]

Dog needs bath before Rehearsals....... POOH!!!!!!
Dame (very) Grumpy

[supertrouper]

I am sure someone spiked my drink last night - I can barely remember a thing! Somehow I managed to return to the Madlands as I awoke fully dressed on my bed, although for some reason my dress was on inside out and covered in brown hairs. Very funny smell in my room too and some strange sprinkle of powder next to the basin in the bathroom.

Very upsetting afternoon - Who can have poisoned poor Blanche - and who would have a reason for wanting her dead. I wonder if she had managed to change her will to leave everything to Milton.

[Ali_H]

Ummm......can I have my camels back please?? 😉

[Guest user]

What hit me? What happened last night??
Now I remember... I, Milton, popped out for a stroll after the Mac & Fries. Blanche went up to the penthouse suite. Came across Miss Delia Sparkle and shared a few (well, several) Magners. I had to practically carry her back to the Madlands - p****d as a newt!
Lots of banging on the door... I let Chester, Eleanor's husband in. He gave me a filthy look...rum fellow...then strutted straight past me and up the stairs. Anyway I have only just woken up - dreadful hangover! And what on earth... what are those strange furry looking things lying at the bottom of the bed!??

[katytc]

Woo hoo Ali's son!! Lovely news, wondered why the camels were running around all excited looking!
My foot is throbbing, having never had a plaster cast before thought when it came off things would be better! NOT! Have had to cancel appointment at hos in another town cause there is no way I could get on a train or bus. Thank goodness the plaster was on for the MMU. Does anyone know when things calm down a bit??? Tummy also not too good assume it's all related, nurse said it could take THREE months, HELP!
Enjoy your London adventure RevCat!
JCJ had venison for Xmas Dinner not real dinner but friends and a restaurant near Xmas time, it was yummy and had no guilt whatsoever so enjoy! Mind you I didn't see them running around in front of me!
Jim jams on, away to pop onto the "bed with foot elevated" bench.
Here's tonights plot/rehearsal, Mods you are very welcome to join us in the rotunda at 7 pm cause we will have real virtual food!



SCENE TWO

Afternoon Tea at The Madlands.
Olive serves tea.
Blanche reaches for a deliciously yummy scone, spreads it with lashings and lashings of jam and cream, then proceeds to eat, she takes a large slurp of tea…………….
Her face turns purple, she gasps for air, then collapses.
Blanche is dead……………
Everyone is stunned, Miss Sparkle suggests cyanide poisoning, call for The Plods.
WHODUNNIT THIS TIME????????? xx

[benedictus]

Lovely news about your son, Ali! My son wants to do computer science as well but not for a few years yet! So, next step achieved by my daughter - 4 good AS levels. Now for some real work next year if she wants to achieve her ambition

[Ali_H]

Pier parties, must tell him about those! Have a good London weekend. Any results yet Benedictus?

[June_BCC]

Many thanks Revcat. Have a great weekend.

June

[RevCat]

Well done Ali's son... my kid sister went to Aber many moons ago... lots of time spent at pier parties evidently...

Benedictus best wishes for the ASs, have nephew and niece awaiting those too.

Sae orthotics lady this a.m. so been measured for sleeve - size 'long' and will be a full one so it can squish the secret thumb!!

Off to Londinium for w/e - see you on the shiny sparkly new forum 🙂 🙂 🙂

Good luck to all mods and techies for the changeover (alligators are penned and there are extra cakes outside the door to the broom cupboard in BCC Towers)

[JCJ]

Well done Ali's son!! I hope he thoroughly enjoys his time there- getting a degree as well would be a bonus! 🙂

We paid £7 to ' meet the deer' the other day, then had to jam the brakes on yesterday to avoid hitting 3 in the road! Strolling around right in front of us! I said (shouted?) "Oh! Deer!" But of course it sounded like "Oh dear!" - keeping in character as Flora? 🙂 Nearly had venison for dinner again!? :-pDon't know where I'll be at 7 pm or if I'll have a signal, so I hope Flora's part isn't too big (so to speak? :-))

[Ali_H]

Aberystwyth, computer science. It's his first choice (actually his only choice) so he's all smiles now. Good luck for the AS results....

[benedictus]

Fab news Ali! Where's he going and what's he reading? I'm waitingi with trepidation for AS results - any time now...........

[Ali_H]

Woo hoo... Son's got his place at Uni!! 🙂

[grumpy]

That's it, I'm going out all day to the sheepdog trials, then having my hair done in preparation for tonight's rehearsal. I need every bit of help I can get with this lots of crazy ladies.
Millie says she is going to roll in sheep and rabbit poo, and fox poo if she can find some, so that she and the camels can have a Who is the Smelliest Competition. I've told her 3 kinds of poo is cheating......
grumpy

[katytc]

Well, not sure what happened last night, all that drinking, eating Macdonald's, chips etc!
Dame Grumpy seemed a little quieter...............must have been her phone line going down! Who does she keep talking to??
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry at Blanche, what is she thinking??? How dare she leave her billions to Milton??? Who is this man anyway?? He deserved that slap, Blanche had better watch out cause she WILL be next.
Edwin is looking very furtive and keeps saying we need to talk about the stocks and shares, I just don't want to listen to him I have other things on my mind...............
Blanche's friend Miss Delia Sparkle made a right spectacle of herself, drinking so much alcohol that she keeled over, she's maybe hiding something...............
I'm going to have to report that girl Olive, the constant sniffing and blowing of nose is making me ill, how can I enjoy afternoon tea with everything that's happening??
Why is there a huge camel with a dog glued onto it's hump wandering around the Rotunda???
And boring old Claude has arrived to change the will? REALLY????
Brain is whirling with all of the goings on, will retire to my chaise longue to mull things over.
Next rehearsal 7 pm this evening Scene Two (Afternoon tea) xx

[GIJaneH]

(Dame Grumpy, I really feel for you)

[JCJ]

Did somebody mention rum? Hic!

[millymolly_m]

Well, I've driven through the night and spent my last brass farthing getting here following a summons from my uppity sister. I've spent the best part of the evening banging on the door to get someone to let me in. Now that I've finally got in all I can see are chip forks, empty Magners bottles and piles on the floor that look remarkably like cowpats. what's more there's a strange, lingering, animal smell that brings to mind my little financial misadventure in Cairo last year.
This is a rum do or my names not Chester!

[supertrouper]

I really do need to wear my glasses - it wasn't Eric's cupcakes I was feeling - it was Milton's - and he deserved the punch in the face that Eleanor gave him.

Blanche - you need to realise that Milton is a BigMac&Fries eating Philanderer who speaks with a welsh accent even though he says he desended from royalty (who are mostly german - although I have nothing against the germans or any other nationality)

I need another pint of Magners - who's round is it? and can we have less vinegar on the chips this time? Is it Hump's round or Dink's. They always manage to get grains of sand in my drink on the way back from the bar.
OMG - feeling faint.......I think someone has put something in my drink..................

(falls on floor in a very very dramatic way)

curtains close

[Guest user]

Ouch! Ouch! My poor eyes! My poor nose! Your young sister Eleanor can really pack a punch! What have I, Milton, done to deserve such a beating - and such acrimony??
I know you know, dearest Blanche, that I had very little capital to call my own, but for you to bestow such magnificent beneficence....WHY dear girl??
Nom, nom... Big Mac& Fries...

[supertrouper]

Wiping tears from face....(from laughing) - too many pints of Magners from the Kings Arms. Going to sashay (look it up) down Norecambe prom looking for Eric and some chips.

jellytot83 - haven't you something else you would rather be doing if you have just got married? I can only imagine what because as Delia Sparkle is a spinster of this parish and obviously still of good virtue!!

Ahhh Eric - there you are. You look pleased to see me or is that a cupcake in your pocket?

[Guest user]

Jelly, part of Edwin Le Feuvre needs filling, otherwise it's Katy having to do 2 roles!

[grumpy]

Grumpy gets into forum via profile page....
The Dame is recovering nicely from the hysterical shambles that went by the overoptimistic label of rehearsal...... and that was only Act 1!!!!! Thanks for the cake, it is going down nicely with a sniffer or two. Moderately good costumes I think, but shoes need more thought, boots and posh frocks just look silly. If everyone could remember this play is in the round (Rotunda - get it???) you won't collide with each other for entrances and exits. Dink nearly lost Millie dog in the struggle at the end of this scene. Directors note to self - glue dog onto camel, as well as tiara onto dog.
The next things to get organised will be make-up and props. plenty of slap, and that dark red lippie, bot not Olive obviously, puts the guests off their food.
Phone line went down today, had to use the single, senior citizen, BC patient Card to get them moving - and move they did one hour later...... brilliant service!!!!!
On the Tired as a Newt Bench....
The Dame

[jellytot83]

Howdy All,
ive been locked out for a few hours 😞
married life treating me well thank you all, honeymooned in Mxico, was bliss.
any chance there's a jelly shaped role available In the play?
x

[JCJ]

As Flora: Sorry I missed the meeting. I was lying down with one of my headaches. Couldn't face Blanche in her bossy mode.

Been out and about in rainy SW Scotland, and didn't try loading Benchland thread after it said it was temp off line. Too titef to be bothered to fight this stupid phone and the cr*p signal now!

Good luck to anyone expecting exam results tomorrow!

[Ali_H]

Boo. I'm not Eric. I'm Archie (and confused)
Can I still have some chips?

[foxyferret]

If problems getting on to the forum are the reason, please ignore my remarks about not turning up. I did think it was a bit strange.....

Please let us know what happened in the Private Function Room.

That pint looks good ST, I might just indulge when my shift has finished. I was right NO TIP.

[GIJaneH]

Well! That's shown them! I thought that went really well, their faces were a picture....
now, where's my divine man?

[Ali_H]

Ooh hang on , am I Eric??? Maybe I did get a Magners after all, maybe even chips too 😉

[Ali_H]

Oi! I've been here since 6:45, waiting patiently with car. No-one even sent me a bag of crisps out never mind a Magners! Someone please tell me what all that was about, cause milady's got a face like thunder and mr smug looks like the cat that got the cream. They want a drive through McDonald's for heavens sake, something baaaaad must have happened....

Whispers back from audience "YES ST! IT WOULDN'T LET ME LOG IN EARLIER AND NOW I DAREN'T LEAVE IT!"

[foxyferret]

No, no need for the manager. They seem to be leaving. The horrible woman (who treats her maid terribly) has just sailed out followed by her paramour. The rest are following some crying and muttering about revenge and lawsuits.I wonder what has happened? Oh well, I'm only the waitress, will never know. I'll clear up now bet none of them has thought to leave a tip.

Oi, you lot with the starring parts, where are you? What happened? Three hours since rehearsal started and none of you turned up?
Grumpy - please come out from behind that sofa...I've brought you chocolate cake. It will be all right on the night.

[supertrouper]

Stepping out of character for a moment and whispering to the audience

"IS ANYONE ELSE HAVING DREADFUL PROBLEMS GETTING ON TO THE FORUM??"

Stepping back into character..........

Why is it taking so long for the Manager to arrive? I think I need to retire to the Kings Arms for a pint of Magners - or two. Chips afterwards would be rather nice. Might go and have a chat with Eric.......

[foxyferret]

Ok Delia, I think it's that horrible rich woman who wears those dreadful shorts and her family. I took their dinner in earlier and they all seemed rather on edge.

[supertrouper]

As Delia Sparkle - Don't call the manager yet Olive - let us listen at the door to see if we can decide who is in there first.

What was that noise? It's all gone very quiet in there. I think it is time to call the manager!!