This is a brilliant thread! Can I put my sad bench next to the furious bench and hop over as and when? I'll bring chocolate...
I was diagnosed with primary and bone secs at the same time and had some very odd reactions, mainly 'oh, you're not having chemo, it can't be that bad then.' I also had a (now former) friend who was studying NLP at the time who asked if I'd ever wished myself dead as that had probably caused my cancer. And a colleague who said 'but you must be feeling lucky that you've had all those holidays with your life insurance!' Ehm...no....nor am I feeling lucky that I now have to retire due to meningeal and liver secs. She had the cheek to send me a friend request on FB.
There is no such thing as a hierarchy in bc, we have it and nobody knows how it will pan out in the long term - but the fear and upset it causes is there for everybody. I'm sending you all a big hug - regardless of what ops,treatments,etc you've had. xx
Have just read this thread through - excellent. I have had a place on the guilty bench for a lot of years ( about many, many things!)but i had a comment a few days ago that took the biscuit - somone told me that cancer is caused by bad karma - often from things you have done in a previous life!! Not only guilt from this life then!Happily, I do NOT feel guilty about this. it just made me laugh and in a strange way put some of my guilt into perspective too. Love to everyone. Mo
Guilt is seriously overated!!!! and yet even though I believe that I am the same!!! (When I here that someone has had less treatment for me I rejoice and if I ever hear anyone say 'only' with respect to anything related to BC or the treatment..then they are either ignorant or insensitive possibly even selfish????) I am feeling guilty that I had a clear bone scan, guilty I wasn't hospitalised with se's, even though I've earned my BC Badge having been there twice I still feel guilty that one of our cyber friends have passed away, guilty Lulu facing it again...agree with choccie about saying something... er curt...? to someone then feeling bad etc...... on a personal level guilty my kids have been pinned at home all summer coz of my chemo, guilty about my up and coming holiday??? guilty it has worked out that I can go? I feel that I can't say anything ... I shouldnt be going, even though I fought tooth & nail for it as some may remember ( the 'sit in') I cant even explain it, I have even tried to make myself feel better about it, that I've earned it by telling myself I'm coming home to mx/rads and tamoxifen??? how mad is that!!!
I say let's burn the guilty bench XXXX
As you can tell I'm not at my best today...
Jane, what a great description - "no emotional elastic". How very true. I have had some rather emotional non-BC moments recently and you've summed it up perfectly.
Finding it very difficult to get off the guilty chair though (it's got smaller, was a bench but shrank now you lot have all got off!) as any time I get as far as the ****ing furious bench, someone reacts to my fury and I feel guilty for making them feel bad! How ridiculous is that?!
Makes complete sense. Emotions are not logical. As someone once said to of though, when you feel guilty you have to decide whether it's false guilt or real guilt. Do something about it if it's real and put it down if it's false.yeah. easy! My emotions are so much more fragile at the mo. No emotional elastic. Bit brittle. Think it's allowed. At least on hear and with good friends
Katytc I agree with you 100% i share your views to we are all in it together.no matter of size or grade etc. Jane x
Norberte, thank you for your invitation I'm sitting right beside you!!! I'm the one with the red face (not because of the hot flushes) but because of the rage. x
When friends with localized bc heard that I had lymph involvement and I had to have chemo I found that they (only for a few days) didn't know what to say and felt awkward/guilty. Luckily now they have all gathered round again, after all they had thought about wigs and chemo etc themselves whilst waiting for results. To be honest I think the hard part to come to terms with is what the future holds and any stage of breast cancer leaves you with that fear. So please don't anyone think your cancer is less than others.
But the guilt thing is just so powerful, what it is doing to the family especially. I even come out of every appointment wondering if I said the "right thing" and not looked stupid as if it should matter.
We are all in this together and I have sometimes been overwhelmed by the kindness and care of friends and strangers. But people do say the strangest things possibly because they don't know what to say so just start to garble.
I have just laughed out loud ethlydsyl at your colleagues comment,some people just astound you, I mean who has the right to say that to anyone with a major disease?? I feel people are very blaise regarding breast cancer, there is sympathy on diagnosis then some more during treatment, then it's up to you to get on with it.
I don't mean that I want to keep talking about bc all the time but it's never really far from my thoughts and some just don't realise exactly what you have gone through! You can point certain things out to these people but I think you just give up after a while, they are not worth it?? x
oh what a fab thread-i had a colleague ask me if the surgeon said that my being overweight had a bearing on my diagnosis ???? had people say-"well-you are lucky aren't you ? you've only had a lumpectomy "eh-yes-and radiotherapy-"-yeah-but that's not as bad as chemo is it ??also-this is a shameful moment but i loved it-an aquaintance said-"you're dead lucky aren't you-you found it from a mammogram-i said-"not as lucky as you-yours was clear !!! but actually-i do feel very lucky but it's up to me to say it-have felt very guilty that i'm not as badly effectied as some-but i am a catholic and feel guilty just by existing-not trying to be controversial-just honest-guilty is my middle name-nite all-pleasant dreams x
Thankyou everyone for your hugs and comments. Think just having off day today!! it. Will join you on that bench CM thanks. I met a friend last night who I havent seen for a good few years we were at a 50th birthday party. She has just had mx and started chemo and has suspicious area on her lung and I felt awful that I was doing so well. She is soooooo positive and was actually at the party with her baldy head on show ( I was sitting with hat on even though I have hair now coming through did take it off though!!! ) I think it was seeing her that made me feel bad as she is not having a good time she is back at hospital every other day having wound drained and is sooooo cheeful about it all. She always was a mad person ( In a nice way) and I thought here am I with only a WLE still got boob and started feeling I guilty that it wasnt as bad as hers I KNOW ridiculous!!!! but there you go it is amazing how the mind works!
Any way feeling better now thankyou and will not feel guilty anymore!
Hi to you all,
Thank you for your comments on this thread I say “yeah for the ladies”. I was so annoyed yesterday, still am today! I really feel disgusted by people spying, I realise that it is human nature to be inquisitive but sometimes in some circumstances there are lines that should not be crossed. So if anyone is spying on me you now know how I feel!!
This is a hard journey for us all therefore this forum is especially helpful. I have found that when I was worried and needed reassurance someone on here would reply and I would feel so much more positive, to think that your comments may now have to be guarded is really sad. This is a lifeline for so many people’s fears so to all those spies please take note.
Regarding feeling guilty, that too is human nature and we all do it, DaisyGirl you hit the nail on the head saying there is no pecking order we are each as important as each other!!! You know what I mean, I hope!
Thank you for listening and please feel free to rant, hugs to you all, x Special hug for Tolliebelle x
Oh god! I forgot about the oxygen!!! Aaarrrgghh!!!
Seriously though, tolliebelle, I'll shuffle on over and you can come and sit on the guilty bench beside me. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and it's NOT logic, it's emotion that does it to us. I try to get through the guilt web (bloody great big guilt spider in the middle of that one - ugh!!!) by acknowledging to myself that I do this guilt thing, and trying to recognise it when it happens, then trying to get on with whatever needs to be done anyhow. It's a part of me like my hair colour or height (did I really say that? Wish it would go away like my hair did!) but if I acknowledge it to myself I can start to feel guilty but do stuff anyhow and just let the feelings of guilt sit there feeling sorry for itself. Not always easy, not always possible, but it's something I try to do. And sometimes need someone's size 11 up the bum to remind me when the guilt stuff gets too firm a hold of me.
Does that make any sense?
maybe I am completely missing the point here, whether you have a small tumour, large tumour, one, two, three etc, etc, why on earth should you feel guilty, why should you feel guilty for having found it early, being given the all clear, or not being as bad as it could have been.
Whether its cancer, or some other disease/ailment, the time to feel guilty is when you make on you have got it when you havent really, I personally know people that use any way they can to get money for their'ailments' it makes me sick, thats society for you,
I have almost given up being nice, people I seem to come into contact with take me for a mug, maybe I am mixing with the wrong type of people!
I really connected with this thread about feeling guilty. My tumour was quite small and even though I have had chemo and rads I always feel when I see the oncologist and BS that I should n't make a fuss or ask any questions or should tell them I am fine because I caught mine early and there are lots of people worse off than me!! Irrational??? I still have cancer but I do feel as though mine is minor compared to some people and I should just carry on as normally as I can. Am sat here crying as I write this as I think it has just sunk in (8 months down the road!!) That my cancer is cancer and I shouldnt feel guilty because I found it early! Hope this makes sense and not make me look a complete idiot???
Some of us are atuned to feeling guilty at the drop of the hat. I know I've had lots of stuff happen, but I've still felt guilty that I haven't had the massive SEs that some people have had to put up with. I just can't help it - at my worst I would wake up feeling guilty that I hadn't woken up half an hour earlier! So if you're one of that kind of "feeling guilty" people, don't make yourself feel guilty about feeling guilty. If that makes any sense...
And most certainly don't think that anyone who's going through the mill with treatments feels you're any less in need of support. It might be "just" grade x, stage y, no need for this treatment or that, but it's still cancer FFS, nobody going through this will be thinking less of you. If anything, it'll be people who HAVEN'T been through it might come up with "but you didn't need chemo so it can't have been serious".
Couldn't agree more! I was astonished that someone's friends(?) or relatives were reading their posts on here, the first thing that sprang to my mind was "eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves". Unless they have been invited to look they should bog off!
And a message to anyone who feels guilty because their treatment has been less severe than others, DONT, you have been through hell, there is no pecking order as to who is more worthy.
Sorry, I think that ended up being a little rant of my own there!
hi, flutterby80 very best of everything for you on Wed,will be thinking of you x
No it is a disgrace that some people can no longer dicuss how they really feel, and also to have feelings of guilt. Terrible! I couldnt have put it better myself. x
thank you hjv123 and flutterby80, felt I just had to unload, well had to get things of my chest (pun intended) haha x
Have read a couple of threads on here that have made me angry today, maybe the tamoxifen?? First being that people would pretend to have cancer on this forum and another, people spying on very personal statements and heartfelt private stories, as someone else said why don’t they just ask? Made me feel sick that some people now on here feel they have to edit their feelings, how very, very sad, as I have felt relaxed and comforted by the comments I have received over the last few months.
The next rant is feelings of guilt or being made to feel guilty because you have not received chemo or not received rads, or not had a mx or had no node involvement etc. What everyone has to realise is that we all have bc . We didn’t want it, there are no feelings of superiority and we all just want to help and support one another certainly not judge or belittle others.
My friend told me a story today about two women who both had bc, one had a small tumour had a lumpectomy, rads and tamoxifen no node involvement, the other lady had a large tumour removed chemo, rads , lymph nodes removed (cancer 18/24), first lady was congratulated regarding being cured and second lady received great sympathy, turns out first lady is now terminal and second lady is living life to the full.
I think that story puts things in prospective, we all matter.