Id like to perch a buttock cheek portion on a number of benches, but after a night without sleep with my friend mr steroid (had chemo today) I wonder if theres a bench i could have a lie down on, perhaps the "if youre really tired you'll go to sleep" bench that my husband would suggest??? I can bring my own newspaper blankets( though wont need them thanks to hot flushes) and can of special brew which I think is mandatory for sleeping on a park bench. What joy!!
Not just cancer, everything's my fault some days! But thanks for pointing out that certain I gothic wrong, which puts me firmly on the "my fault" bench!
Choccie - it is there..
"just behinf the large circular ****ing furious bench you'll find the fat b******s bench - reinforced, obviously - which is conveniently close to the it's-my-fault-i-got-cancer bench (queue there as well, sorry, we're working on making that one bigger)"
Brillant, can you give me instructions to the "had enough of this " bench guessing it's not far from the "sad" bench!
You're right, you did forget one. There's the "It's my fault" bench. This one's pretty full too, and I reckon most of us jump onto that one for all sorts of reasons, not only BC but the fridge breaking down, the washing machine flooding, the car costing a lot of money, etc etc etc... It's right beside the "guilty" bench, for ease of access.
might have to cancel my Florida holiday to try out all the benches???.... Yeah right!!!
have fun has someone got the music???
Love to all
Love it Norberte - wonderful! Can we have a "your so lucky bench" as well, or would it be empty?!!!
Norberte.. thank u so much, ur post just cheered me up no end. i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself (hmm is there a bench for that?) cos i'm 2 weeks post op & was recovering nicely but i've now got mastitis infection which has made me feel s***e again. Ur post made me laugh out loud,u have a great SOH, brilliant 🙂 xx
ok, so juat to recap the benches:
to your right as you come in you'll find the guilty bench - it's small, & there's a queue so when you're sitting on it you can feel guilty about that too
to your left is the long ****ing furious bench - it's become a circular bench (with a nice easy gap entrance for those of us who can't clamber) but tere's always plenty of room, & it's the powerhouse for the whole bench area, in producing steam which somehow gets turned into energy
the straight ahead we have the we're-all-equal bench - as you'll see it's conveniently near the guilty bench so people can hop across from one to the other any time they feel like they should / shouldn't be moanin as much / little as they are, because compared to other people hey have / haven't got it better / worse
the just behinf the large circular ****ing furious bench you'll find the fat b******s bench - reinforced, obviously - which is conveniently close to the it's-my-fault-i-got-cancer bench (queue there as well, sorry, we're working on making that one bigger)
the over to your right behind the guilty bench you'll find the is-it-me? bench - for hen we've been shaafted by the nhs getting it wrong & somehow always manage to come out thinking it's out fault or we're completely mad
conveniently near that one is the sad bench - it does what it says on the tin
& next to that we have the my-oh's-a-b****** bench, some of us will nip on & off that one but if anyone gets glued to it tere's a divorce / run away crane available
|& now i feel guilty that i've probably forgotten a vital one - don't worry, i'm typing this in the queue for the guilty bench - but i can confirm that each bench has tissues a tissue bin, chocolate, alcohol, wet wipes & a maagic box with anything else you might need in it (meat cleaver, pin doll, photo albums ....)
hope having a map clarifies things nicley - you'll notice that large empty area to your far left where there's room for growth, & electric scooters / buggies are available for travelling around the site
pl note that us disabled people can't jump the queue for the guilty bench - that'd be depriving others of something else to feel guilty about, which isn't fair play
I had `the works' with regard to my treatment for bc - lumpectomy quickly followed by mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, reconstruction. As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what level of treatment you've had (eg lumpectomy/radiotherapy and nothing else) we have ALL been in that doctor's office and been given the diagnosis of breast cancer, so we are ALL equal. There is nothing else like the fear of being told that and we have ALL experienced it. So for those of you who feel `guilty' please DON'T........
sorry can't help ..you see I'm erm... alittle overweight, definitely not helped by this latest dx! Now comes the guilt again as you see I have a fab supportive GP!!!??? mind you I can share 'rants' about local hospital!!!! (see earlier posts on ranting!!! who remembers the stinkers and ranters threads of easter???) Thankfully my mx/recon in Oct being done by different hospital...phew!!!
Lavender.. do you share 'Lulu's' hospital...cant mention names??? WGH? that's where I will be travelling for my mx , I am in N wales now but first time round lived in edinburgh.
Norberte...most definitely I could up the anti, he he but Tiaras never did suit me?!!! So I'll leave it for Choccie, I'm sure she has a much more 'beautifully shaped head' than me anyway!!
Iam definitely up for the suggestion long (very long by the sounds of it) bench, tissues and I do think chocolate is a must!!! now theres a thought the chocolate will help katytc put on more weight and give us all something more to feel guilty about ...sobbing and eating much choc???XXX
Bobbin2 don't think you're paranoid just bewildered by your treatment!!! Don't whatever you do start feeling guilty! haha.
I just want to share this with you all, I went to the docs a couple of weeks ago, unfortunately I saw a grrrr locum. I explained to him that I was always cold now (apart from hot flushes) and that I had lost around 1 and 1/2 stone in weight in a very short period of time (no change in my diet). He said that he would take a blood test for thyroid (clear) but he didn't think it was anything to do with bc. Now I'd started the coldness, tiredness and the weight loss just before diagnosis therefore I asked why the change in me if not to do with cancer? He said it was probably due to me losing fat cells???? I was not ever obese, I am just in the average range I would say I am still average even the after the weight loss. What was that all about??? I said thank you and left surgery. So do I gorge now so I can put weight back on so I feel warm??? Any advice is most welcome x
"I still have insight, I think"
Course you do, Bobbin2, course you do!
Joking apart, you are fully entitled to rant after that lot,I don't think that even the nicest chemo staff always recognise how wound up we are as we arrive for the next dose of poison, errors are rarely ANYTHING to do with us, and spending an extra few hours waiting gracefully is one thing, being blamed for it is quite another.
Take this as your excuse/reason for phoning them up a few days before FEC3 to ensure all is prescribed as should be!
And consider a letter to the ward manager to put on record that you did attend the oncology clinic.
May your newts stay healthy, and the next FEC be better organised
with a hug
OMG. I have just read my post and for someone that doesn't know me might think I was suffering from an acute attack of Paranoid Schyzophrenia!!
Honestly, I don't....I still have insight..I think ^_^
Brill...I have found a place to rant! Had my second FEC treatment today and had the first thoughts of guilt after chatting to other patients that my 4 day stay in hospital, after my nuetrafiles took a nose dive, was nothing in comparison to what they have been thru'. In fact I was feeling lucky?!?!
But my major rant is about the NHS. So early in the treatment I have found that there is much to be done as far as communication from one department to the other is concerned. I began feeling paranoid as I felt I was being caught up in department warfare 😮 The latest being today. I arrive for my FEC treatment to find that after preparing me to receive the FEC the BC nurses discovered that the amount had not been reduced from the first treatment and had a 2 hour wait as a doctor had to recalculate the amounts, authorise, then for the pharmacy to prepare the new lot. I felt embarrassed for the nurses who were obviously annoyed about it. Now here is the paranoia bit. The nurse said to me that I didn't turn up to see the oncologist on Monday did I? I had a feeling something was wrong as waiting to see the oncologist on that day people were coming and going and I was the last one to be seen. His bed side manners could do with a little attention. So, did he say that I never turned up to cover his back? Did he not update the new levels of chemo? He wrote in his notes while I was there. Is this a ploy for me to say that's it I've had enough of this and save them some money?
It's so unusual for me to feel this way. I am getting more and more angry with all these faux pars of which this is just one. Is this the chemo that's effecting me I wonder??
Sorry to be such a drag. I am normally a laid back, forgiving person 😞
Rant over ^_^
Reckon I could beat you, J, your stuff is a lot worse than I've had, so I've got more to feel guilty about than you have.
Can we have copious quantities of tissues on our benches, please? And a massive great tissue bin. My car looks like a snowstorm from all the assorted tissues I've blubbed into, and I'm sure it's unhygenic. (Can't spell tonight.)
This is a brilliant thread! Can I put my sad bench next to the furious bench and hop over as and when? I'll bring chocolate...
I was diagnosed with primary and bone secs at the same time and had some very odd reactions, mainly 'oh, you're not having chemo, it can't be that bad then.' I also had a (now former) friend who was studying NLP at the time who asked if I'd ever wished myself dead as that had probably caused my cancer. And a colleague who said 'but you must be feeling lucky that you've had all those holidays with your life insurance!' Ehm...no....nor am I feeling lucky that I now have to retire due to meningeal and liver secs. She had the cheek to send me a friend request on FB.
There is no such thing as a hierarchy in bc, we have it and nobody knows how it will pan out in the long term - but the fear and upset it causes is there for everybody. I'm sending you all a big hug - regardless of what ops,treatments,etc you've had. xx
Have just read this thread through - excellent. I have had a place on the guilty bench for a lot of years ( about many, many things!)but i had a comment a few days ago that took the biscuit - somone told me that cancer is caused by bad karma - often from things you have done in a previous life!! Not only guilt from this life then!Happily, I do NOT feel guilty about this. it just made me laugh and in a strange way put some of my guilt into perspective too. Love to everyone. Mo
Guilt is seriously overated!!!! and yet even though I believe that I am the same!!! (When I here that someone has had less treatment for me I rejoice and if I ever hear anyone say 'only' with respect to anything related to BC or the treatment..then they are either ignorant or insensitive possibly even selfish????) I am feeling guilty that I had a clear bone scan, guilty I wasn't hospitalised with se's, even though I've earned my BC Badge having been there twice I still feel guilty that one of our cyber friends have passed away, guilty Lulu facing it again...agree with choccie about saying something... er curt...? to someone then feeling bad etc...... on a personal level guilty my kids have been pinned at home all summer coz of my chemo, guilty about my up and coming holiday??? guilty it has worked out that I can go? I feel that I can't say anything ... I shouldnt be going, even though I fought tooth & nail for it as some may remember ( the 'sit in') I cant even explain it, I have even tried to make myself feel better about it, that I've earned it by telling myself I'm coming home to mx/rads and tamoxifen??? how mad is that!!!
I say let's burn the guilty bench XXXX
As you can tell I'm not at my best today...
Jane, what a great description - "no emotional elastic". How very true. I have had some rather emotional non-BC moments recently and you've summed it up perfectly.
Finding it very difficult to get off the guilty chair though (it's got smaller, was a bench but shrank now you lot have all got off!) as any time I get as far as the ****ing furious bench, someone reacts to my fury and I feel guilty for making them feel bad! How ridiculous is that?!
Makes complete sense. Emotions are not logical. As someone once said to of though, when you feel guilty you have to decide whether it's false guilt or real guilt. Do something about it if it's real and put it down if it's false.yeah. easy! My emotions are so much more fragile at the mo. No emotional elastic. Bit brittle. Think it's allowed. At least on hear and with good friends
Katytc I agree with you 100% i share your views to we are all in it together.no matter of size or grade etc. Jane x
Norberte, thank you for your invitation I'm sitting right beside you!!! I'm the one with the red face (not because of the hot flushes) but because of the rage. x
When friends with localized bc heard that I had lymph involvement and I had to have chemo I found that they (only for a few days) didn't know what to say and felt awkward/guilty. Luckily now they have all gathered round again, after all they had thought about wigs and chemo etc themselves whilst waiting for results. To be honest I think the hard part to come to terms with is what the future holds and any stage of breast cancer leaves you with that fear. So please don't anyone think your cancer is less than others.
But the guilt thing is just so powerful, what it is doing to the family especially. I even come out of every appointment wondering if I said the "right thing" and not looked stupid as if it should matter.
We are all in this together and I have sometimes been overwhelmed by the kindness and care of friends and strangers. But people do say the strangest things possibly because they don't know what to say so just start to garble.
I have just laughed out loud ethlydsyl at your colleagues comment,some people just astound you, I mean who has the right to say that to anyone with a major disease?? I feel people are very blaise regarding breast cancer, there is sympathy on diagnosis then some more during treatment, then it's up to you to get on with it.
I don't mean that I want to keep talking about bc all the time but it's never really far from my thoughts and some just don't realise exactly what you have gone through! You can point certain things out to these people but I think you just give up after a while, they are not worth it?? x
oh what a fab thread-i had a colleague ask me if the surgeon said that my being overweight had a bearing on my diagnosis ???? had people say-"well-you are lucky aren't you ? you've only had a lumpectomy "eh-yes-and radiotherapy-"-yeah-but that's not as bad as chemo is it ??also-this is a shameful moment but i loved it-an aquaintance said-"you're dead lucky aren't you-you found it from a mammogram-i said-"not as lucky as you-yours was clear !!! but actually-i do feel very lucky but it's up to me to say it-have felt very guilty that i'm not as badly effectied as some-but i am a catholic and feel guilty just by existing-not trying to be controversial-just honest-guilty is my middle name-nite all-pleasant dreams x
Thankyou everyone for your hugs and comments. Think just having off day today!! it. Will join you on that bench CM thanks. I met a friend last night who I havent seen for a good few years we were at a 50th birthday party. She has just had mx and started chemo and has suspicious area on her lung and I felt awful that I was doing so well. She is soooooo positive and was actually at the party with her baldy head on show ( I was sitting with hat on even though I have hair now coming through did take it off though!!! ) I think it was seeing her that made me feel bad as she is not having a good time she is back at hospital every other day having wound drained and is sooooo cheeful about it all. She always was a mad person ( In a nice way) and I thought here am I with only a WLE still got boob and started feeling I guilty that it wasnt as bad as hers I KNOW ridiculous!!!! but there you go it is amazing how the mind works!
Any way feeling better now thankyou and will not feel guilty anymore!
Hi to you all,
Thank you for your comments on this thread I say “yeah for the ladies”. I was so annoyed yesterday, still am today! I really feel disgusted by people spying, I realise that it is human nature to be inquisitive but sometimes in some circumstances there are lines that should not be crossed. So if anyone is spying on me you now know how I feel!!
This is a hard journey for us all therefore this forum is especially helpful. I have found that when I was worried and needed reassurance someone on here would reply and I would feel so much more positive, to think that your comments may now have to be guarded is really sad. This is a lifeline for so many people’s fears so to all those spies please take note.
Regarding feeling guilty, that too is human nature and we all do it, DaisyGirl you hit the nail on the head saying there is no pecking order we are each as important as each other!!! You know what I mean, I hope!
Thank you for listening and please feel free to rant, hugs to you all, x Special hug for Tolliebelle x
Oh god! I forgot about the oxygen!!! Aaarrrgghh!!!
Seriously though, tolliebelle, I'll shuffle on over and you can come and sit on the guilty bench beside me. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and it's NOT logic, it's emotion that does it to us. I try to get through the guilt web (bloody great big guilt spider in the middle of that one - ugh!!!) by acknowledging to myself that I do this guilt thing, and trying to recognise it when it happens, then trying to get on with whatever needs to be done anyhow. It's a part of me like my hair colour or height (did I really say that? Wish it would go away like my hair did!) but if I acknowledge it to myself I can start to feel guilty but do stuff anyhow and just let the feelings of guilt sit there feeling sorry for itself. Not always easy, not always possible, but it's something I try to do. And sometimes need someone's size 11 up the bum to remind me when the guilt stuff gets too firm a hold of me.
Does that make any sense?
maybe I am completely missing the point here, whether you have a small tumour, large tumour, one, two, three etc, etc, why on earth should you feel guilty, why should you feel guilty for having found it early, being given the all clear, or not being as bad as it could have been.
Whether its cancer, or some other disease/ailment, the time to feel guilty is when you make on you have got it when you havent really, I personally know people that use any way they can to get money for their'ailments' it makes me sick, thats society for you,
I have almost given up being nice, people I seem to come into contact with take me for a mug, maybe I am mixing with the wrong type of people!
I really connected with this thread about feeling guilty. My tumour was quite small and even though I have had chemo and rads I always feel when I see the oncologist and BS that I should n't make a fuss or ask any questions or should tell them I am fine because I caught mine early and there are lots of people worse off than me!! Irrational??? I still have cancer but I do feel as though mine is minor compared to some people and I should just carry on as normally as I can. Am sat here crying as I write this as I think it has just sunk in (8 months down the road!!) That my cancer is cancer and I shouldnt feel guilty because I found it early! Hope this makes sense and not make me look a complete idiot???
Some of us are atuned to feeling guilty at the drop of the hat. I know I've had lots of stuff happen, but I've still felt guilty that I haven't had the massive SEs that some people have had to put up with. I just can't help it - at my worst I would wake up feeling guilty that I hadn't woken up half an hour earlier! So if you're one of that kind of "feeling guilty" people, don't make yourself feel guilty about feeling guilty. If that makes any sense...
And most certainly don't think that anyone who's going through the mill with treatments feels you're any less in need of support. It might be "just" grade x, stage y, no need for this treatment or that, but it's still cancer FFS, nobody going through this will be thinking less of you. If anything, it'll be people who HAVEN'T been through it might come up with "but you didn't need chemo so it can't have been serious".
Couldn't agree more! I was astonished that someone's friends(?) or relatives were reading their posts on here, the first thing that sprang to my mind was "eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves". Unless they have been invited to look they should bog off!
And a message to anyone who feels guilty because their treatment has been less severe than others, DONT, you have been through hell, there is no pecking order as to who is more worthy.
Sorry, I think that ended up being a little rant of my own there! 🙂
No it is a disgrace that some people can no longer dicuss how they really feel, and also to have feelings of guilt. Terrible! I couldnt have put it better myself. x
thank you hjv123 and flutterby80, felt I just had to unload, well had to get things of my chest (pun intended) haha x