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stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Good morning. Yes my chest infection has cleared up. I'm not sleeping great & was away from 3 o'clock something this morning. I ended up taking an anti-sickness tablet(even though I wasn't feeling sick!) as the night time 1s I was given said they would make me sleepy. They did & I got back to sleep no problem!

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Dear me. Where does the time go?

Welcome to Benchland, Elizabeth, I hope your chest Infection is cleared up now. 

Glad Mum was more herself, Katy; must be such a worry. 

Just shovelling breakfast down my neck before heading off to school for the Christmas Fair/Fayre/Thing. Already had requests to reserve some of the little knitted Christmas animals before I've even got there! 

OH is in an a*se about me going to "work" on a Saturday, but then he's always had a ridiculous attitude to Saturdays and he resents me having my school life, so I'm just ignoring him. Half the proceeds are going to PD charity (the other half to school) so he should be grateful! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hello Elizabeth glad your chest infection is sorted and you are busy crafting...........wishing you all the very best.

 

Must be the least crafty person ever............

Went up to see Mum today, all good, swelling still visible but not quite so huge, she was on good form so my heart is a little happier tonight.

Have just eaten 2 yes 2 choc bars, food intake not great but sweets are going down a treat, bad me!

Has been a little milder here, no frost for the last few days, hurrah!

Did a lot of walking today and am feeling it so will be off to bed shortly.

That will be lovely JCJ cooking for all with GD xx 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I had a chest infection there for almost 2 weeks. I didn't want to ring my chemotherapy helpline as I was worried they'd ask me to come into hospital so I rang my gp & she prescribed me a 10 day course of antibiotics which cleared it all up. I am also up to my eyes in crafts. I have probably 15 little crochet baubles to put together before Thursday. There's not much to be done with them, but I now have less energy with my Secondary Breast Cancer & the effort of sorting them out is a lot

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Seem to be holding off the lurg. So far. 🤞🏼The 7 kids that were off sick from our class this week turned out not to have it but stayed at home just in case because they felt a bit sick. Maybe they've built up resistance too.

 

I envy you those beautiful views. We've had some sunshine, at long last, these last 2 days but it's been very cold. Had to scrape the car twice on Friday!

 

Christmas cakes made this weekend. Hurrah. Another 6 cards made last night. Will probably make some more tonight - unless I decide to knit another take out coffee cup cosy for the Christmas Fair next weekend. It looks like I'll have to do the mince pieathon by myself this year. YD too busy being a mum to come and help. I don't blame her at all. In a few years, perhaps she can bring GD to help us. 😄

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope you have built up a resistance, it's nasty! I ordered a takeaway tonight because my eldest GD is here, thought I could manage my usual feast but have only managed to eat a quarter of it...........could do with losing weight anyway haha. Not been right since the novo.

Banana on toast??? thats a small snack haha

 

It is so so cold here, frost never lifted today and it's minus something again tonight, heating bills will be HUGE.

Went to other city this morning cause ED had a hospital appt, all fine, there were roadworks and long diversions so we took the scenic road back, narrow country roads that were icy brrrrr but the view was spectacular.

Went straight up to see Mum, she was fine but very tired, didn't stay long cause she could hardly keep her eyes open, she is on a huge dose for 10 days then lesser amounts for 30 days until it's down to an level that keeps clots under control.

Feet up for the rest of the evening, muggatea and perhaps some choc? Haven't lost my appetite for that xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Glad it's under control with your mum and you can breathe a little easier. I bet the little ones helped to keep your mind occupied!!

Just back from swimming. Slumped on the k****ered bench with a mugatea, some toast and a banana. Always come back ravenous after my swim!

Norovirus doing the rounds at school. Fingers crossed that  22+ years in Primary schools has built up my immunity enough for me to escape it. 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

It was a blood clot she is more susceptible because of c so an injection daily cousin was up with her so that was great and she kept me informed throughout. Was going to go up tonight but Mum was exhausted so will leave it a couple of days. It is under control now she had lots of scans blood tests etc, feel relieved.

Had both babies today but had emergency numbers in case I had to leave. Been a long day............xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Great that OH made appt, always better to go. You did learn that it was stress related than PD so that is good to know. The relaxation class will be good for you bothSmiley Happy

 

Cousin was up yesterday seeing Mum, I asked her to check on Mum's swollen knee, well not only knee but leg and foot were swollen yesterday, doctor called and she is up tomorrow to have a scan possible blood clot, has started blood thinners so will get a call when they know what's what. Precaution because she has cancer. This is possibly the reason she has been a bit off. Feel as though I am in a never ending world of worry..........

Will pop to classes with you hahaha

YD and GS back, chicken pox galore xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

OH was still asleep when I left for work yesterday so I left the appointment letter on the kitchen worktop, above the fridge, with a note saying "Today. I'll be back in plenty of time to take you."

He was very shaky throughout the appointment, not helped by the trek through the hospital and up the stairs to get there! He said he didn't know why he was there! Swallowing discussed and she said it was more a stress thing than PD related. Suggested, umpteen times, that he has plenty of sauce or gravy with his food and sticks to soup or yoghurt on the really bad days. We were already doing that!! She did mention a relaxation class she does, once a month, at the hospice attached to the hospital. Invited us both to go, and it is in the afternoon, so we could do it, but I doubt he'll want to.

He's on both anti-ds! Dr said no need to stop old one and speech & language person yesterday said the old one: Amitriptyline (sp?), is helping with the excess saliva problem! That's why it's not prescribed so much as an anti-d anymore because most people can't cope with the dry mouth! Definitely a benefit in this case. No more dribbling. 🙂

Talking of anti-ds, didn't you mention that your mum had been prescribed them, Katy? Might that be why she's been a bit "off, cant be bothered"? Just a thought. Might be worth looking into if she doesn't improve? There are loads of different ones, if it turns out that one doesn't suit her.

 

I am impressed with myself: this afternoon, I made a delicious chicken and mushroom soup AND a chicken casserole and, this evening, I have made a start on the Christmas cards. First 5 made, 26 to go. And it's not even December yet!! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope OH managed appt today, JCJ and not too traumatic.

Aaaah you never know, things may improve a little, what happened with the anti dep? Old one or new one?

It's good to have hopes and dreams, you never know............

 

Went up to see Mum yesterday, a little off, still chatted but I felt she couldn't really be bothered, it's a couple of weeks since the change startedSmiley Sad

Was out for lunch today, we have booked a xmas lunch, what are we like?? haha.

Still raining here, yucketty yuck. 

Youngest GS now has chickenpox, inevitable really.

Managed to buy last X presents, one more to go and that's it, woo hoo!! xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Back to "normality", Katy. Phew! Enjoy the relative peace (and the peace now the relatives have stopped being so demanding?! :))

In answer to your question: I'm not supposed to retire until 2025, but I will be 60 in April and when I started working that was the retirement age for women, so I always said I'd retire then. OH is 9 years older than me and retired at 55, so he's waited a long time. I will finish at the end of the academic year, in July. I'll have a reduced pension (about 20% less, I think) but that's fair because I'll be getting it for longer. Won't be able to get my state pension 'til 2025 though, but we can manage on OH's school pension and state pension. Just about.

 

I had hoped we'd be having term-time holidays - for the first time in my life! - and generally getting out and about, but b****y PD has probably put paid to that! 😞

 

Should have gone to PD support group on Thursday. I didn't even suggest it after the state he got into after last time! 😞 He's got an appointment with the speech and language consultant tomorrow afternoon and I know he's forgotten about it. I'm not going to remind him until the morning so he doesn't stress all night about it. Cunning? No doubt he'll be in a strop when I tell him. Might even wait til I get home from work, but that will only give him about 1/2 hour's notice. Probably not a good idea. 😛

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Crazy, crazy is over, I made itSmiley Happy, now just normal crazy, woo hoo!!

We will need to think of a code word when things are going well with OH, JCJ so you don't jinx! Am glad even though there was a blip that things are still better than before. When do you officially retire?

It was frosty here for around a week, now it's mild with lots of rain, not sure what's worse..................

Am just about to sit on the "tired" bench, usually have a mad tidy up when YD and GS leave, not tonight haha. xx

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

He's back to shaking, clanking and struggling to eat. Had me up in the night and rang me at school today. Might have known I shouldn't have tempted fate! 😐 However, there is a reason, and he's nothing like as bad as he would have been a few weeks ago on hearing the news he got yesterday: one of his uncles, who also has PD, has just been diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. Obviously, this has upset OH. I have had to reassure him that just because Uncle D. has PD too doesn't mean OH will get C too! Uncle must be in his late 80s; I hope he doesn't suffer for too long. 

 

Cold and grey and damp here. Had to scrape the car yesterday! 😞 Made me think that this is the last winter I'll have to do that. When I'm retired I can wait for the car to thaw.... Or just not go out! 🙂 Better reinforce the CBA and FB benches? I can see they're going to get a LOT of use!! 😛

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I KNOW!!! will never be able to order food unless YD is here, have already spoken to her about it hahaha.

Fingers crossed calmness continues.

Was through at YD's this morning, all for an appt that lasted 10 mins, we came back by car so that was good and appt went well so it was worth it.

ED has just phoned to say youngest GD has chickenpox, don't know if youngest GS will catch or not, it's a wait and see. Better if they get it over and done with.

Over half way through the busy, busy, only a few more days to go................

It's FREEZING here, oh so cold xx

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

*sings* Katy's got an admirer! 😄

You can't order anything now because he might be the guy who will deliver it! Why was he on the bus if he'd got a car? Was he stalking you? 😛

 

Phoned docs tonight, as instructed, and OH's new meds prescription has been done and sent through to chemist next door to surgery so I can collect it on my way home tomorrow. Phew! Just when I was psyching myself up for a battle with the Dr's receptionist!

 

Scared to tempt fate. Again. But new meds do seem to be working. Much less tremor and generally calmer. Now I've said that though, we're probably in for a sh+t few days?!

 

Took a load of onions to the food bank today: the ones I dug up last week. They've finally dried out. Just the leeks left to get in.

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

HahahahaSmiley Happy, laughed and laughed JCJ!! woo hoo for you!

Am just back from YD's, had a lovely time, I do enjoy it cause I just do as I pleaseSmiley Happy

Trains were being replaced by buses tonight a 2 hour journey, soooooooo bit the bullet and went on other bus, when I was standing in queue this man said I could go in front of him as he hadn't booked ok on I skipped. Bus leaves you approx 3 miles from home so was just about to phone a taxi when the man appears and says would you like a lift?? mmmmmm, I did recognise his face so said ok he said he did deliveries and knew where I lived, knew I had seen him before, any ways general chit chat in car, car stops at my front door and he turns and says to me would you like to go for a coffee sometime, WHAT??? hahaha

I said am sorry but am really busy just now so he says can I give you my number WHAT??  Number scribbled and passed over, honestly couldn't get in the door quick enough..................

Number in bin.............

Train next time and am now in hiding hahaha xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Half way through the crazy crazy..... for now!

This morning, as I came out of our local little supermarket, an elderly gentleman, coming in, let me go through the door first.

Him: You first young lady

Me: Ha! It's a long time since I've been called that!

Him: Definitely!

Well! There was no need for that! He didn't have to agree quite so vehemently?! How rude! I gave the daft old duffer the benefit of the doubt and assumed he hadn't meant to cause offense! 😄

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

How annoying grrr, hopefully they will get it sorted thought everything was on computer nowadays so hospital paperwork to doctors is almost immediate.... 

Am through at YDs but am on my own at the moment, everyone will be back shortly so had better enjoy the peace and quiet.  Only one more week of crazy, crazy then just normal crazy haha.

It's absolutely freezing here brrr x

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope enough people responded to the Lido questionnaire with "Nooo! Don't take it away!!" so they continue letting you have it. Fingers crossed.

I stood in the Dr's surgery, earlier, in my Pjs because it's Children in Need day and we had a pyjamas for Pudsey day at school (we'll, I chickened out and changed the trousers for jeans - wasn't going to be THAT person who didn't bother to dress to go to Dr's! - didn't bother to change top as I'd have my coat on anyway, but then forgot to zip up coat!) and I asked for a prescription for Rohipnol instead of what I actually needed which was OH's new PD meds called Ropinirole Smiley Embarassed Letter hadn't come through from neurology consultant so I had to stand there and try to sort it out. It's complicated because the dose is increased every 2 weeks, so I had to explain to make sure they prescribe enough for the month. Got to phone on Monday to see if the request has been granted. Grrrr. He has enough tabs until Wednesday so I hope they get their act together by then. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

aaah now i see what you meanSmiley Sad

Goodness!!!! you waken him to make your breakfast tomorrow morning haha.

Tool set i want to play too.............

 

Had my review this morning not with consultant but a nurse (always consultant), anyways it was a questionnaire mmmmmmmmmmmmm, I feel trouble ahead, looks like the powers that be want to cut back and lido is on their list, would be absolutely devastated.............have tried all drugs apart from morphine and don't want to go there, lido is the only thing that does help. Was in big trouble prior to. He also said I have been "getting it for 5 years" could hardly believe it almost fell off my chair, haha. Really where does the time go??? Fingers crossed, they reconsider am sure lots of people will feel the same as me, will just have to wait and see.

It was superly cold here this morning, brrrrrrrrrrrrr, have had heating on all day. 

Have 3 GC here tomorrow, in service days, they were just off for a 2 week break................

Will have to go to bed at 7 tonight haha xx

 

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Glad you're on the mend. 

 

The problem with his "moods" is that anxiety sets the tremors and jaw clanking off - and the swallowing issues - so it feels like we're back to square one. He woke me at 5:30am today because he was panicky. Felt too wobbly to go downstairs, so he wanted me to go  and make his porridge (2 minute microwave variety) which makes me want to puke at the best of times. Then he went back to sleep and snored happily. I didn't (sleep. Or snore!) At 7am, when I needed to get my breakfast, he was in the way in the kitchen!!! Grrrrrr!

Just done the supermarket shop. Spent a huge amount. Not sure how. OH came in for a bit, further round the shop than he's managed in months, chose a present for GD (well I chose it for him and he agreed! :)) wooden tool set. I want to play with it. 😄 Then he went and sat in he car with the paper, so a much better day, after a dodgy start.

 

Great that there's no nausea after your Lido, I expect you've had enough nausea for the time being?

 

Colleague due to come back off maternity leave after Christmas and she's going on maternity leave again in April! Whoops! That wasn't planned! She'll have her work cut out with just 15 months between the babies! Hehehe 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Good news that trembling is much better, I mean that's brilliant reallySmiley Happy

If he has always had mood issues, nothing too different?? 

Am not managing full meals as yet but am soooooooooooooo much better, going up to see Mum later this afternoon, first time in 2 weeks............

Had my lido yesterday all went well, hurrah! No headache or nausea, well pleased.

Have local hospital tomorrow for a review.

Have had a few falls recently, think it maybe blood pressure to blame have felt a little unusual slight light headedness today, ah well could be worse haha .

Must fly and get ready such bad behaviour have not had my shower yet!! Will soon be bedtime xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

I'm leaving a humongous supply of tea, cake, fish and chips, biscuits and other delectable delicacies to help get you through your hectic weeks, Katy. Hope your tummy is recovered enough to enjoy them. 😄

 

I was sent a lovely little video of GD standing on DIL's lap and using a tea towel to play peepo with Mummy & Mamma. Adorable. She loves to stand. She has such strong legs, I don't think she'll bother to crawl; just straight to walking - but I hope that isn't until after Christmas because our house is NOT toddler safe!!

 

Mincemeat is made. Ingredients for Christmas cake are on tomorrow's shopping list. Thanks to an online shopping binge last week, I've got all the (very few) presents I need to get except for DIL (no idea what she would like! - will have to consult YD!) and neighbour. Just finished knitting a jumper and matching hat for GD, using lovely dark purple wool that was in a bagful of odd balls of wool given to me by a colleague. All November birthday cards are made and I've printed off a photo I took of our friendly garden robin to use on some of the Christmas cards. That should help me make 40 cards quickly. I'm ahead of the game this year. 🙂 The benefit of working part time?! I say that now, but come a week before I'll be wondering where the time went? 

 

OH was much better over the weekend: a bit grumpy on Saturday, but fine yesterday - hardly any tremor even! Hurrah! Meds are working! No. Today has been awful. He manages to wind himself up about EVERYTHING and I have to battle not to get wound up myself. This afternoon, I had to stop him watching YouTube videos - one after another - about the Australian Bush fires. Yes, they're awful and I feel desperately sorry for anyone who's hurt or lost their home, but watching endless film about something so terrible, that you can do nothing about, is not good for one's mental health. Where's that sandpit? I need to stick my head in it. And his? 😛

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

yes, at last, been a long,long week...........

sorry have not been here, yd and gs are here and have been hectic! next 2 weeks are worse, am unable to see any quiet time at all. am just going to go with the flow............

when things quieten down for oh, he maybe able to think about seeing them, could be really worth it.

it's sad about allotment but if it can't be managed, it's not worth it.

how are your girls doing?

sunshine here today but it is cold, hard frost this morning xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

It's been suggested that we ask for a referral to the mental health department at the hospital because they are more able to make links between the physical problems OH has and the psychological. However, we're already schlepping to the hospital to see 3 other consultants at the moment; I don't think even more appointments will help the situation!!

 

I think he is is supposed to be seeing the CBT specialist tomorrow - it's been weeks since he last saw her because he keeps having other appointments or pancking and cancelling. I haven't told school about it, so I hope he's either going by himself, in a taxi (yeh! Fat chance?) or he's not going.

 

He took a taxi into local town yesterday and asked to be picked up in the evening: he said he'd go to the library then the chippy cafe for tea and go to the pub. Yeh! Freedom! 😄 First time in aaaaages that I've had the place myself, but I decided to take the chance to go to the volunteer allotment. Too late for the apples: they were all over the ground half-eaten by various different wildlife, but I got up a ton of onions which are now drying out in our garage before going to the food bank. I was just finishing off and wondering whether to get chippies myself for tea or microwave something out of the freezer, when he called to be picked up! We got chips to bring home. Grrrr. So much for time home alone! Still, I was very glad to get that job ticked off: it's been bugging me for ages that all our hard work will go to waste if we don't harvest what we planted. One more trip to get the leeks in and then that is us done with it. I've finally managed to persuade OH that it's too much for him. The Volunteer Centre will just have to get someone else to take over.

 

It was soooo wet and soggy, I'm sure I've got trench foot now! Cold and damp today. Won't be mowing the grass. Will have to stay on the CBA bench with a mugatea and cake. Again. Shame? 😛

 

Are you starting to feel better yet Katy? Don't let YD give the lurg back to you! xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Woo hoo for the "positivity" JCJSmiley Happy, lovely to be appreciated!

Also glad the consultant visit was constructive, let's hope tabs have the desired effect.

Can they perhaps have psychology services involved? Always a thought.

 

Had to go out today and am paying for it.............the nausea............

Have had to cancel meeting regarding Mum, new date arranged, can't go up to see her because of this being contagious, grrrrrrr.

YD has bug now too and was throwing up earlier, it's nasty. xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

How are you doing, Katy? Starting to feel more like yourself, I hope.

 

Consultant was brilliant. We were with her for nearly an hour and she did lots of little tests, asked loads of questions and let us ask questions. She has prescribed another PD drug which SHOULD help reduce the tremors but it has to be introduced gradually: starting with 2mg and increasing by 2mg every 2 weeks up to 8mg. She doesn't expect it to be properly effective until he is up to the higher dose, but she says to stop increasing as soon as he notices a benefit. Fingers crossed this helps, but I'm pretty sure most of his problems, as they always have been, are psychological. 

 

Back at work today. Performance Management (wash my mouth out?!) I pointed out that setting new targets for next year was a tad pointless, as I won't be there this time next year! 😞 She said I was already doing everything that was set anyway. 😄 Lovely to get positive feedback and to hear her say that they appreciate I've got problems at home but are grateful for everything I do when I'm at school. Makes me feel like I'm doing something right, at least!

 

Came home at lunchtime, having left a job half done, so that OH wasn't getting stroppy. Wish I'd stayed at school. He's asleep in his chair at the moment so maybe he'll wake up in a better mood. Who knows? 

 

I've got the tubs planted up with the winter plants though, so that's another thing ticked off my half term "to do" list. Desperately need to mow the lawns but they're still so wet! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Thank you for the virtual hugsSmiley Happy, it's awful............just nipped over to nearest shop for bread, came back feeling even yuckier............ED and her brood are back to normal so it will just have to run it's course. 

You will need to emphasise to OH that it was his choice to have a "terrible" weekend, grrrrr, so if you are feeling guilty reassure yourself that he chose to do this and if he wants to stay in his room at X, well, so be it. Is it possible to speak to the person that gave you advice about continuing working? Might give you a little more confidence with the situation. What did consultant say?

 

Better news about car and glad it wasn't too expensive.

My book seems to be a little boring at the moment, started off good.........

Away to put my feet up for a little while, don't have to worry about tea haha, can't face food xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope you are feeling better today, Katy, if not, get well soon. Is it the stomach lurg your daughter had? 😞 Hugs flying your way (and with virtual hugs I'm in no danger of catching the lurg myself. Win. Win. :p) 

Don't know where the week went. This time last week, the girls were here!

Just been to the farm shop for some fruit and veggies and I ordered the turkey while I was there. Hurrah! £10 deposit paid, so the girls had better come or we'll be eating a LOT of turkey by ourselves! 'though I'm dreading how OH will be - he took most of this week to get over the "trauma" of doing absolutely nothing with the girls last weekend!! Grrr! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Flying in and out feeling rather awful x hopefully be back soon x

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

It was a good job I didn't stay in town to wait for the car! I finally picked it up at 6pm! That would have been a LOT of cups of tea!! It all cost less than I was expecting, so that was a pleasant surprise and mechanic said I needn't be in any rush to get another car: this one should be good for a while. 🙂 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

OH did sulk in his room all weekend but is still going on about what a terrible weekend he had. Using it as an excuse not to do anything he doesn't want to. Grrrr. Sooooo stressful having only daughter, DIL and GD here? And not even spending any time with them! I'm already dreading how he'll be at C-word. He's always been difficult at that time of year, but now......?!! Smiley Mad

 

I'm reading The Hallows by Victor Methos. Courtroom detective thing. New out this year. I got it for 99p on Amazon First Reads. Bargain. I'm enjoying it. It's helped pass the time while the car is in the garage!

 

Car back in today, for its welding. I had breakfast in the cafe again but was debating whether to get the bus home as it's going to be several hours until the car is ready and I don't want to waste any more money. And it's too cold to sit outside today. No sun. OH rang: having a panic attack. Again. No peace for the wicked? So I bussed it home. He was fine by the time I got back. Of course. Always improves after he's ruined my peace of mind/made me feel guilty for enjoying being out.

Can't motivate myself to get any of the long list of half term jobs done though - back on the reading bench. Indoors, but still cold. May have to put the heating back on early! Or get off my a*** and do something? *reaches for heating controls* 😛

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Oooh sounds such a lovely morning, all leisurely, breakfast, reading etc, then the bombshell, typical.............

Cars are always trouble, you know it will be costly, is it worth the expense?? or as you say is this just the start?

Mmmmm regarding OH, ultimatum stay in your room or join in, big hugs, I sound such a meany?

GS has been a little challenging today, he is in his highchair shouting at the moment watching teletubbies, he really likes them and laughs at the bits he thinks are funny, very amusing to watch. He slept for 11 hours last night then has just had another 2 a short time ago, he is the opposite of youngest GD who hardly sleeps at all.......

What you reading JCJ? have just started blink am liking so far.

It's dark and grey here today also a tad chilly brrrrr xx

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

New job is probably why ED got the bug. She'll get everything going until she's built up immunity to all the new germs flying around! You are right, she can't go in if she's got a stomach bug. Get her to chuck that guilt into the lake!

 

Yesterday was awful. OH panicky and shaky all day. I just couldn't handle it. I was still feeling down after the girls going. We had words. He admitted he was jealous. I knew it! Told you he was behaving like an older sibling who's resenting a new baby. 

 

Today, I had to take the car in for its service and MOT. Early start (for half term) so I skipped breakfast, went straight out, dropped car off and walked to my favourite cafe for cooked breakfast! Nom Nom. Spent over an hour in there, leisurely eating, ordering another coffee and reading my kindle (other....) Wandered around town buying bits and pieces until I realised that the car had been a long time: alarm bells ringing that it was going to be expensive, so I'd better stop spending money like it was going out of fashion. Found a sunny bench and sat enjoying reading. I was just revelling in being out, by myself, when I remembered that I'd not organised any lunch, at home, for His Nibs. Started to fret that he'd be too shaky to get anything and having a melt down. Then I got a text from him: he'd got a taxi to same town and was waiting for me in supermarket cafe! 🙂

 

Picked up car. It failed. Major welding required. 😞 I was half expecting it: I've had it 10 years and most years it's sailed through with only really small repairs. It's going to cost me, but garage man says it is worth repairing as it's a lot less than a car of the same age would cost to buy. Booked back in for Thursday. I'll have to get up early again. 😞 May have to have another breakfast in The Old Bakery. Shame? 😛

 

Now debating whether to get a newer car before I finish work, while I can still afford it, because once cars start needing welding work it's a slippery slope towards spending more on repairs than their worth! I hate changing cars. So many dodgy dealers out there. Wish ES was still around: he found this one for me. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Just waiting for chaos to commence!

Had to go into town today, grrrrrrrrrrrr, thought I was super organised yesterday but no...........

Mum wasn't her usual self she also takes anti dep and tabs have been reduced so will phone doc tomorrow to see if it's actually started.

ED a little better but not great she has been feeling oh so guilty because new job and off already, I keep telling her she has to be better first, think she has that rotavirus, so she wouldn't be allowed in anyway.

After last year and the X word where things were difficult, I am well on the way to being finished this year haha. I love that I have no running around or standing in queues etc hurrah! 

3 presents to buy, one is money so really only 2, woo hoo scooby booby doo xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Good you stood your ground JCJ, it's so difficult to deal with cause you don't know the best way to handle these situations, maybe strictness and the firm approach is best. Hope the rest of your day is better.

 

Have been into town already, am going up to see Mum in a couple of hours, then down to see ED, it's all go!

There is method in my madness because the rest of the week is busy and this is the only free day I have.

Sun is shining but it's oh so cold, left the heating on all last night and couldn't breathe this morning haha. xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Here we go again! Smiley Mad So much for a half term lie in! OH woke me up at 4am, for over an hour, and again at 7 with his panicky shaking. He can't blame my going to work *this* time?! He'll no doubt blame the girls' visit because it was SO stressful for him to hide in the bedroom all weekend?! If he spoils the whole holiday, I'm going to revise my decision to retire in July! Looking after a 7 month old is easier than living with him! 

Yesterday afternoon, because it was lovely and sunny, and to take our (my) mind(s) off the girls going, we had a couple of hours at a local water park, which was VERY watery - all the footpaths were in the lakes! OH announced, about 200 yards into the journey, that he couldn't go because he felt "unwell".  I lost it with him. Told him to stop behaving like a spoilt toddler. I refused to take him home and, when he said he might be sick, told him he wouldn't be and that if he was he could clean it up himself! Of course, a couple of hours amongst lovely scenery and he felt much better - but he's never going to admit I was right!! I reminded him that the consultant said he needed to get out and about.

 

Frosty and foggy this morning. Brrrr! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Aaaaah JCJ, you are doing the right thing, keep busy, busy.

Just think you had a great time, got to know your grandbaby a little better, your girls enjoyed themselves, you had their complete trust and you did your "magic Nana" stuff, all good, happy and lovely memoriesSmiley Happy

 

No toy fair ED has been so sick, GS and one GD joining in, went along this morning to help a little, YD and myself had this bug a few years ago and the memory of it stays with you FOREVER. Yuck, both GC looked ok but ED is floored, not like her at all so you know it must be bad.............

Have been home for a while now and also must get on, have loads to do but decided the CBA bench was calling me, bad behaviour.

Was saying to ED last night I couldn't recall when I was actually diagnosed and had to really rattle my brain to figure out the year, what am I like??? xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

They've gone.  CSL bench. It gets harder and harder to see them leave. Smiley Sad I've had to give myself a good talking to: they'll be back in 2 months for Christmas!

DIL (a worrier) said Cher was amazing: definitely worth the stress of leaving GD. I'm soooo glad they enjoyed it; they've been looking forward to it for over a year and I was worried it could be a big disappointment.

Right, must get busy so I don't wallow in self pity - OH already doing enough of that for ALL of us!! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Aaaaah that's lovely JCJ, so pleased girls are having fun!!

An honour indeed must be all that Nana magicSmiley Happy

Work that magic on OH too and send him off to bed hee hee.

Sending you a small glitterberry juice, feet up and lots of lalalala's in your head xx

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Magic Nana has done her stuff! Smiley Very Happy GD fast asleep. Anxious 10 minutes when she didn't want to be held or be put down and screamed Blue murder, but she stopped before I could get the pram organised for emergency plan B  walk around the block as many times as necessary! I messaged YD and DIL, who are like a couple of over excited teenagers at the Cher concert, so they can relax and enjoy their special treat. It's the first time they've been out together and left GD. I'm honoured that they trusted me! Handling her granddad is harder work. Such a grump! Grrrr! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

You def couldn't send them a worried look?? They would be back home asap haha!

Menu sounds lovely for baby, is she a good eater?

My two grandbabies, one ate superly well until his croup and the other is fussy, so think they are both fusspots nowSmiley Frustrated

Am not seeing ED so much now she is back at work so sent her a text saying where are you? Missing our chats, an hour or so later she was at the door haha. We are going to a Toy Fair tomorrow, see if we can pick up some bargains, woo hoo!

YD is also missing in action, she will be back this week coming so I go from total quiet to chaos............

 

Had to purchase a new chariot, it's brilliant, much better than the last one, I think I say that every time?? Decided to spectacularly fall, flat on my face, chariot saved me from sustaining too much injury but was damaged and bits had broken off, grrrrr! New one is shiny, shiny and leg parts are not as long so you won't trip JCJ hahaha xx 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

An hour into babysitting and it's going well. Dinner eaten - my pureed chicken casserole followed by mashed banana and stewed apple. Now sitting singing and playing happily with her toys on the floor.  Tried to send a photo to mummy but every time the camera clicks GD looks worried.

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Hope the babysitting isn't too onerous, Katy, and that you enjoy at least some of the time with your GC!

Also hope there have been no more mum dramas. At least she was fine though. 

We've had a really up and down week, but hopefully, having been given some new meds at the docs on Wednesday, things will improve. He's had fewer panicky shaky attacks and sleeps through the night - (except when he forgot to take it on Thursday night: Friday was hideous! 😞

On Monday, I rang the counselling service and spoke for nearly an hour with a wonderful woman who told me that I definitely shouldn't give up my job and gave me some things to say to OH about what he can do to help himself and be less dependent on me. OH thought I was ringing, as he'd asked me to, to arrange a carer to come in to keep him company while I was at work on Tuesday. As an introduction to putting forward the ideas the counsellor suggested, I told him that the carers were too busy supporting people who LIVE on their own ALL the time, or who need help with getting meals, personal care or dressing, none of which he does. As I'm here for 20 out of every 24 hours he doesn't really qualify! That hit home! He actually looked a bit sheepish, but it didn't stop him panicking about me going to work. Hence docs on Wednesday. Fingers crossed the new meds can improve things for him. It's what the consultant prescribed last Friday, but doc says OH doesn't need to reduce his other antidepressant. I need this to work; I'm so fed up of worrying about messing school about, even though everyone understands and is very supportive. 

 

YD rang me while I was sitting in the car during the Friday night swimming taxi service (the taxi doesn't swim haha) It was lovely to talk to her. I miss her so much, especially when OH is being difficult. She cheered me up immensely by saying they've decided to come to us for Christmas again as they both love my Christmas, especially the food! 😄 I have always said that I didn't expect them to come once they had children, as we refused to go away at Christmas after we had ES. Boxing Day or New Year was for visiting, Christmas was ours at home. YD says she doesn't care if  OH is a pain, she and DIL can take some of the strain and I can enjoy seeing GD. She said I need something to look forward to. Sooo true. I've not told him: it'll only give him something else to stress about! 

 

Oops! Sorry! Mentioned the "C-word" rather too many times. Too soon! 🙂 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Stuff happened with Mum, so was upsetting, Mum was fine, we weren't haha.

Babysitting starts officially tomorrow, one GC only for part of the week, so all ok there, but next week is a stinker..........

GD for 5 days, they have asked ED to start work early and GS also for three of the days. Nursery starts thereafter for them both so will be much easier then!!! We have purchased a double buggy so I can get out and about haha.

 

Phone them in car park when you finish work, prob easier to do that. Not sure about you giving up work, big decisions, only you can make the right choice, fingers crossed for you. It is a dilemmaSmiley Frustrated

Pouring with rain here, seemingly it is raining for the next two weeks, yuck xx

 

 

 

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

On no! Sorry you are having a bad time, Katy. Hugs. xx How is your mum? Is the baby sitting going OK? Everything alright with your Ds? 

 

I actually slept all night and woke up by myself at nearly half past 8. OH didn't call me until he heard me getting up, and he'd not been awake very long. He's still recovering from 2 appointments in 2 days, so he's still very jittery. I'm coping better because I slept! Got the "should I give up work" debate in a constant loop in my head - answer swings violently from "hand in 4-week notice NOW " to "Stick the year out as planned" Or maybe I could further reduce my hours so I only do 3 mornings? Our academy pays into a well being service so I'm going to ring them for advice. They may point out some other options. Trouble is finding a time when I can do it without OH around! 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Thought I was having a bad time....................you are well ahead JCJ.

Am so sorry things are full of anxiety for you at the moment, must be awful.

What do you do?? If you leave work, will it be less stressful for you? or will it be worse?

You may be able to decide after you see consultant.

My heart goes out to you, big hugs flying your way xx

 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

What a week! Had to take the day off work, on Tuesday, because OH was in a shaky panicky mess again. He was suddenly, miraculously, much better when it got too late for me to go to work! Grrrrr! He is definitely obsessed with the idea that I should give up work and be here for him all the time - I'm fighting hard against that! I NEED that contact with the outside world - and has decided he's afraid to be alone at home (though that didnt seem to be a problem on Wednesday afternoon when I took two of the volunteers to harvest some of the allotment stuff, trying to give him one less thing to stress about!)

On Wednesday, just before the end of the morning, I checked my phone and there was a missed call from home number over an hour before. And a voicemail message. Listened to the message and it was just a high pitched garbled  voice. Tried to ring home number and OH's mobile. No answer on either. Spoke to headteacher, who is being very understanding - at the moment, at least - and dashed out of school and forced myself to drive safely home.  Got in house. 3 radios and the TV on but couldn't find OH in any room and no answer when I called. Couldn't see him out of the windows anywhere. Started to feel really guilty for standing firm and speaking to him rather sharply when he was begging me not to go ot work that morning. Imagined all sorts of horrific scenarios. Heard a sound I recognised. Looked out of window into back garden and saw him cutting the hedge. He was fine. He'd rung me because he got upset when someone was nice to him on the phone and had rung off without leaving a message: the noise I heard must have been a combination of the TV in the living room and the radio in the kitchen!! Took me a good while to calm down!

Yesterday, he had his 2nd session with the CBT therapist, (so I was late into work) which stressed him out and today we've been to see the (non PD) consultant, (another day off work!) so last night he was awake and panicky in the night and up before 6 - getting me up as well, and I'd barely slept Smiley Mad

Wish we had cancelled this appointment as it has just left us confused (and exhausted after no sleep!) consultant disagreed with GP about best antid's to take. OH very unhappy with the suggestion to reduce the one he's on (and psychologically attached to) and take something else. Wouldn't prescribe any new PD meds because we're seeing the neurologist next month. Watse of time. However, he did tell us that we should still get an appointment through for the orthopaedic consultant but that the knee xray was normal. Oh. Guess there's nothing to fix there then. 😞 Also, he's going to refer us to swallowing clinic because OH is still not chewing his food when he's stressed.

I'm starting to question my determination to keep working mornings until July.: love my job, enjoy seeing the kids and colleagues and need the break from the tedium at home, but I do wonder if life might be easier if I just handed my notice in. But the thought makes me want to cry and then he will have "won"..... and we'll just move onto the next battle?

Anyway rambled on too long. Hope all Benchlanders are OK. 

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Re: stop feeling guilty, small rant (BENCHLAND)

Two really good days this week. Much more settled. OH seemed to have adapted to me being back at work. He's been calmer and less shaky. Even started getting taxis and doing the things he used to do, before the summer holiday. Hurrah! Methinks, the meds are working. However, just got back from swimming and he's in a right state again: building up to yet another s****y weekend? Every time I dare to look forward and make tentative plans. Every time. Smiley Mad I'm NOT going to stop going swimming, but this is the third week in a row my going has "made him ill". Grrrrr.