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where can i turn

16 REPLIES 16
Sue C
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda

Glad you're feeling a little better. 

Different brands of tamoxifen can definitely make a difference. So looks like you have found a possible cause. I m so glad that the gp surgery is helping you.

Maybe worth looking on the Hormone Therapy threads, as there is lots of discussion on the side effects.

Happy to chat whenever you like.

Hugs

Sue xx

amanda9165
Member

Re: where can i turn

Hi not too bad today though it has been a rough few weeks. I got through the diagnosis surgery chemo and radiotherapy without falling apart but since I started taking the tamoxifen I have felt worse and worse. I spent 3 days in bed last week literally didn't even do that when having treatment. Not sure why this is happening now, but seen nurse practitioner at GPS and she has referred me for some counselling and therapy and spoken to bc nurse who has helped re the meds because had 2 different brands and I think second lot made me unwell we're going to keep an eye on it for next month see how I go. I didn't join this forum till I'd gone through everything wish i had dontbfeel so alone now. Thank you for the reply x
Sue C
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda

Sorry only just seen your reply.....

From reading your post I want to say ' and breath '. 

It will certainly feel like 1 step forward and 2 steps back for a while, but this will improve, I'm sure. 

Is there anyone who could help, particularly with the children..family?friends? You really don't need to do this all on your own. I'm sure people will be pleased to help if you ask.

I too am on my own with 2 kids and sometimes the responsibility can be overwhelming. I try to take one day at a time, and not do too much in one day otherwise the fatigue sets in and then I'm no good to anyone.

How are you today?

Sue xx

jtb
Member

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda, I am so sorry to hear you are still in a bad place at the moment. I was just going to suggest as Seabreeze did can you maybe do some massage/aromatherapy in peoples houses in your area? Is this feasible for you. You just need to get as much help as possible to get you into a better space. I'm not as bad but not in a great frame of mind either but I'm just starting my journey (for the 2nd time) and finding it quite hard at the moment. Big hugs xx
Seabreeze
Member

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda,

 

Just saw your post and though I know it may not feel like it at the moment, want to send you some positive vibes that it will get better with time.

 

It does sound like you have to drive a long way to work, I have visions of you being in the middle of neverending rolling countryside! A few ideas in the hope that they might help spark a thought for a small but positive change:

- Is there anyone you could share all or even part of the journey with, taking it in turns to drive?

- Could you shorten the drive by getting a train for part of the route and storing any items needed for your classes at the college?  

- Are there any possible sources of work closer to home? If not doing the massage/aromatherapy, would it be possible for you to combine a part time job nearer to home with less days of driving and keep the aromatherapy going for less days a week? 

- Could you provide massage/aromatherapy in peoples homes or do you have a spare room you could use for a massage table and operate from your home?

 

I know these ideas might not work, just wanted to see if a bit of free flowing of thought might help you think of a way to vary things to make them feel a bit more managable while you pick up strength after treatment. Sometimes just a small change can help.  

 

Seabreeze X 

 

 

amanda9165
Member

Re: where can i turn

been a while but wish i could say things better but i seem to take one step forward and two back. i did talk to macmillan but theres little practical help. i am in a constant state of anxiety about my home financial situation not to mention going through it all on my own and now begining to realise just how hard it is. Everyone thought i was so brave inspirational but the truth is i had no choice i had two kids depending on me for the roof over their heads and right now that is all i can think about whats going to happen if i falll apart. i'm self employed if i don't work i don't get paid, i started out so positive i would be back in full swing by now but one job just wasnt there after so long off and my self employment i have to drive 300 a week two days 150 round trip and god i'm so tired but i cant stop. I teach adults vocational subjects massage aromatherapy etc, i go in to the class and put on a show of how well i am and to be honest i'm crumbling oh am sorry for this i just need to let it out as i have no one else and no where to turn

I just look at my life and think of what a failure i am to be on the point of losing everything after working so hard

like i say sorry depressing i know but i just needed to let go a little

Sue C
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda
No problem.... Let me know how you get on xx
amanda9165
Member

Re: where can i turn

hi sue

yep my bcn said as much but i just wasn't prepared for the dip its been a rough few weeks but i have taken some steps to adress some of the issues seeing my doc for one to get something to help me sleep then i may be able to think more rationally.

talked to a couple of friends and family and finally admiting i'm not doing quite as well as i/they thought, been looking for support group in my area and theres one meeting tomorrow so am going to get myself there and just try to connect

thank you for replying its good to know there's someone there x

Sue C
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda

It is a difficult time after treatment has finished.....we cope with treatment while it's on going and then we are left with what's next? Then the emotional trauma hits us.

I think working as a volunteer sounds like an excellent idea. It will help you to connect with others, and maybe in time you can build up a client list too.

I hope it works out for you. I'm here if you need to chat.

Sue xx

amanda9165
Member

Re: where can i turn

Thanks Sue

I don't understand why i seem to be crumbling now or why one day i feel like i could climb a mountain and the next i have trouble just getting out of bed. I got through the surgery chemo and radiotherapy by just taking it day by day with the support of the breast care nurses and chemo/radiotherapy staff. Now i just seem to be in limbo don't have family or friends i can talk to. i had to go back to work half way through treatment and i think that has had an impact but i didn't have a choice got a mortgage to pay. i just wish i could have one crisis at time.  i just want a little happiness back i want to connect. i am a qualified beauty/holistic therapist and i  have been thinking maybe i could do some volunteer work at the local hospice/hospital it sounds kind of selfish but i think it may help give me some purpose something positive to focus on and stop feeling sorry for myself. anyway thanks for taking time to reply x

amanda

Sue C
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda
This is the place to come when you want a chat. No one will judge you. You are not letting anyone down.
Be kind to yourself...... It takes a long time to recover. A year after treatment, and I'm still trying to piece my life back together.
You are not alone.... We are always here for you.
Please pm me if you wish, as I don't fully understand your work situation.
Best wishes
Sue xx
amanda9165
Member

Re: where can i turn

sorry for delay

its been a rollercoaster lately emotions all over i just feel alone i can't talk to anyone without sounding depressing everyone says you need to be positive i tried and got through the surgery chemo and radiotherapy i expected to get my life back to some extent but the job i had is no longer there its been taken by somebody else. i was in the middle of radio therapy and not able to go back as quickly as i thought now i only have my selft employed work which involves driving 300 miles a week and is really tiring. see there i go again on a downer i don't want to be this person.

 

I feel like i'm letting down all the nurses and surgen etc who helped because i just am scared for the future

 

i just meant to say thank you for taking timeto reply sorry for the moan

 

amanda9165
Member

Re: where can i turn

hi sorry for delay in replying not been having such a good time and feeling guilty for being so negative. I am trying to get through to someone at macmillan so will mention the utility help you mentioned. At mo i feel like i'm just holding on I can't really talk to anyone about the situation as i feel so ashamed to be in this position at my age. I teach in the post 16 sector i have the skill the quals just not start up money or money to retrain

 

but thanks for replying its just good to know there's someone out there

 

Debcully
Member

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda blimey you really do sound down 😩 it may well be something to do with the tamoxifen so I would definitely mention it. Also just a couple of thoughts re finances...have you looked at agency work? And also when I was diagnosed and was talking to Macmillan Re my worries about finances etc they asked me who I had my gas and electric with. They then told me (and set it all up) with NPower a set monthly amount £20 FOR BOTH. Apparently they have some sort of deal with them. At the end of the term, which is 2 years now I think, you then go back to normal tariff BOOO but that in itself helped me enormously. It may be something worth looking into? 

Failing that you will just have to meet a rich man who will sweep you off your feet 😜 

hope you start feeling a bit more positive soon

onwards and upwards as the saying goes

bye for now

debbie x 

Sue C
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda

So sorry to read that you're struggling.

I would echo a lot of what Ann has said. You've managed to hold it all in for so long, no wonder you're finding it hard now. 

The tamoxifen could be affecting your mood, so it is worth seeing the gp. I take amitriptyline, which is often used, and can be really effective.

In terms of work, and just by going on what you've said, have you tried private tutoring? Both my kids have needed this in the past, and it is always in demand.

Please come back and chat whenever you need.

Hugs

Sue xx

ann-m
Community Champion

Re: where can i turn

Hi Amanda,
So sorry to hear how you’re feeling. It sounds like you are not long out of treatment & it’s all hitting you now, many of us have felt like this to varying degrees after treatment.
Apologies if I’m staying the obvious, but have you seen your GP about your low mood & how you’re feeling?
Others here have found Macmillan helpful about financial issues, is it worth trying again there?
I haven’t been on one myself, but others have found the ‘Moving forward’ courses very helpful in coming to terms with it all, as well as getting support from others. Your bcn will be able to advise on what’s on in your area, or give the helpline here a ring.
Do hope it feels better to have put it all down here, do come back & chat as you need to & as I said above, it might be an idea to ring the helpline here anyway to talk things through.
You’re not alone in feeling & going through all of this.
Sending hugs
ann x
amanda9165
Member

where can i turn

Sorry this is probably going to sound incredibly negative and self absorbed but I honestly don't know how to go on.

I have always had a phobia of breast cancer and thought i would fall to pieces if it ever happened well last july i got the diagnosis after a routine mammogram initially i was told it would most likely be pre cancerous so just remove it and radiotherapy. To say i was relieved is an understatement so you can imaging when i got the results a week later and the consultant said yep its cancer only small we'll remove it then radiotherapy it was like being hit with a truck, i was on my own you see i didn't tell family or the kids didn't want to worry them so held it in.

I was kind of numb but i didn;t fall apart at that point i had surgery which went well but then got hit with news had to have chemo so though i cried at thought of losing hair i got through it alone I'm not sure what i expected but it didn't seem so bad and with the cold cap i managed to keep most of my hair. I'm a single parent and so money very tight so half way through chemo had to go back to work self employed so no choice. I finished chemo and radiotherapy and thought i would feel better and my life would get back to normal pretty quick but its now that i am falling apart I've been taking tamoxafen for just over a month and don't knw if this could be causing my mood to sink lower.

my finances are in a mess ive used all my savings and the only advice from macmillan is food banks i have no family other than my brother i have few friends. I had a part time job on top of my self employed work but after 7 months off there isn't a job anymore and to be honest i cant really do the work i used to have applied for jobs but with a cancer diagnosis and 7 months off theyre not falling over themselves. I have looked on line for possible funding to re train or for start up projects but there doesn't seem to be anything out there for people like me. I'm not lazy i want to work i have a degree and teaching certificate i have written my own courses but cant get any help to set up

The worst part of all this is that it has made me realise how totally alone i am i can't see the point any more I'm sorry to put this on here i know people are looking for support comfort somthing to make them feel better i just needed to talk to someone to just get this out of my head.

if anyone has any practical info i would appreciate it i don't want to be like this i don't understand why now and if i don't pull myself together soon I'm going to lose everything