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Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

12 REPLIES 12
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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Seabreeze,

 

My wife is doing very well so far.

she felt  a little sick but wasn't .

She is definitely a lot more tired though.

 

The partner I will be speaking to is a man though I stipulated I didn't mind which.

i start next week.

 

They try and match you up with one of their volunteers as closely as possible but it never going to be exactly the same I suppose.

 

its brilliant times have moved on and there are volunteers willing to share their experiences.

 

I find talking a great release for my emotions the egetation and anxiety does go at least temporarily. I usually start a conversation with a bit of a melt down once this out of the way I'm normally better.

Those coastal walks you mentioned can be like going for a run. B****y knackering

I think outdoor activity/exercise can be therapeutic for the mind as well as the body but obviously this needs to be tailored to how well my wife is feeling.

 

We are having date nights every weekend now some thing we did a few years ago but have restarted and we make the most of our weekends together.

It certainly gives you a different outlook on life for the better.

lets turn a negative into a positive.

Thank you Seabreeze for giving me some time it is very much appreciated. 

I hope you are looking after yourelf too.

 

Len 

 

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Len,

 

Pleased to hear you have taken active steps with the counselling and that your wife is getting on ok. 

I hope her first week of chemo has gone ok, aware a lot of women feel the side effects for a few days after each round...so am guessing (in your families sporting speak) it's a bit like hurdling for awhile.

 

Try to think of it not so much as part of the hospital furniture, but as regularly breezing through!

It was when I was asked to complete a questionnaire by the hospital, "as a frequent visiting patient" that it actually struck me what I'd really been through! Until that point I just felt like I got to know a lot of hospital staff faces, since whilst waiting I'd just try to smile at everyone!  It actually felt a bit odd when my visits became very infrequent! Strange how we adapt when we need to and the new patterns we can get used to, to some degree anyway! 

 

Wonderful that your wife was accepted for the London marathon, I think hold that space for now....one day at a time though treatment and recovery and then revisit when your wife feels up to building up a tad!

 

I recently redid a particular hilly coastal walk (which I was a tad snail-paced at after active treatment), in a super speedy way - something my partner pointed out - which felt good.     

 

Out of curiousity, with the someone like me, as a partner are you speaking to a woman who has gone through bc or her partner?  I can see there would be elements to gain from both, albeit from the woman who has experienced it far more direct/real.

 

I guess they do talk of 5 different states caused by life's big things/changes, denial, anger, acceptance, distress....I hadn't thought of it in that way, but it makes sense. 

 

Continue to be kind and compassionate to yourselves, and take one day at a time.

 

All the best and to your wife.

 

Seabreeze 

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Seabreeze,

 

Thank you so much for checking up I'm glad you are doing ok.

 

We saw the oncologist a couple of weeks ago and he seemed  optomistic.

My gentle beautiful wife had her 1st chemo yesterday and so far she is ok.

She will eventually be on AI's for 10 years and biphosphonates.

So chucking the kitchen sink at her from the off.

From someone who was /still is super fit (apart from the obvious) and health conscious to someone who is becoming part of the hospital furniture is hard to take in.

She is keeping positive and taking one day at a time planning on going back to work part time soon.

She had a letter confirming her place in the London marathon next year which was upsetting but realised she could defer for a year and has given her something to aim for.

 

I've been told im in a sort of grieving process which is no good for anyone but am getting help through macmillan, private counselling and soon the bcn someone like me scheme I am slowly learning to take one day at a time. 

 

Your kind thoughts are very much appreciated and a comfort so thank you.

 

Len.

 

 

 

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Len,

 

How are you and your partner getting on. Just checking in!

Do let us know if you think any of us can help in any way.

 

Seabreeze 

 

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Thanks for advice Shi it's a reasonable sized company and should have systems set for these situations.

Will get advice from those you mentioned if not.

My wife's work has been very good and are supporting her.

len

 

 

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Community Champion
Community Champion

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Len speak to your hr in your new job as soon as you can and also your new boss. Also speak to your local Macmillan office to see what support your wife is entitled too. Also ring the bcc and breast cancer now lines so they can offer you more advise than I can. Just treat your wife like her ❤️ Gentle strength from you and just knowing you are there through everything will give her and you some normality on the rollercoaster ❤️Encourage your wife to join the forum if she needs to, it’ll help you both. Shi

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Shi,

 

Thank you so much for your kind support.

I hug my wife even more now I think I'm getting on her nerves lol.

I will be starting a new job and will be on probation for a few months hopefully they will be understanding with the sessions.

Im pleased I came across this forum to know we are all battling this together and getting support is extremely helpful 

 

len 

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Community Champion
Community Champion

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi len, just another tip, treat her like her, she is still her and speak to her, look at her and hugs go a long way too and surprise gifts 😁my husband came to all my appointments with me and he found it helpful to speak to other gentleman who had accompanied their wives too, like on here we found the husbands passed on tips of how they coped and supported us through. You are doing amazing even if you don’t think you are, you are len you reached out to bccf. Try and find the strawberry blonde mountain lion on the threads, it has helped many 👍Shi 

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Thank you Seabreeze for your support. Overthinking and not switching off is my worst trait and that continues all through the night.

Its a slow process acceptance but I'll get there.

 

Len

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Len,

 

I see Jaybro has given you a very good response.

I think being honest and just being supportive is key. It's perfectly natural that you want to support your partner and that it's a shock to take in. Do what you can and don't grill yourself! Just by being there and being supportive is great.

 

The most useful thing anyone said to me through my bc journey, was be kind and compassionate to yourself. A good line for your partner to think of if she pushes herself too much and probably a good line for you too.

 

I hope her treatment goes as well as possible. As Jaybro says treatments for bc are much better than even a decade or so ago and your partner's bc being oestrogen positive means that hormone therapy will also help....most of us with oestrogen positive bc's take a hormone therapy (via tablet) after active treatment, since it helps to reduce the risk going forwards too.

 

Seabreeze (5 years on and doing ok)   

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Thank You Jan,

 

it it looks like we're pretty much in the same boat.

im glad you both have found such strong support in each other.

I have come more to accept it as i am not breaking down so often. Hard thing to say but true.

Hopefully sleep will follow normally before long.

 

 You are right about backing of a bit and assessing the situation not always  watching like a hawk and letting my wife have her independence. 

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply.

 

len

 

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Member

Re: Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi Len

 

I know I’m not a partner (I’m a partner’s partner who had breast cancer) but I thought I might reply on behalf of my husband who has come through it. He’d never come on a forum lol. I was diagnosed a year ago today. First I had a cheery non-cancer diagnosis but biopsies contradicted that, much to the consultant’s “shock” (ours too!). Each week, my diagnosis got worse and, after a mastectomy and full node clearance, we were told 19 of my 21 lymph nodes were infected and there were no margins for one of my lumps. Scary? No. I switched off. My husband was shell-shocked, like you, and filled with a fear I didn’t share - I knew how high the breast cancer survival rates were so rolled up my sleeves and (apart from hysterical phobic reactions) took everything they threw at me. Meantime, my husband slept very little and was frequently sick with anxiety without my knowing. Once we’d talked about it, mysteriously it stopped! He was a rock, taking on everything I couldn’t deal with, shrinking clothes, feeding me, collecting prescriptions and always there for me. I didn’t react well to chemo and was like a zombie much of the time. The only thing he did wrong was to keep sighing “How much more of this is there?” as if I had any answers! So long as you don’t ask crass questions like that and you are there for her (maybe sometimes just in the background or stepping back when she needs to be independent), you will be doing a great job.

 

You’re right. Your wife will be very concerned about the burden she’s putting on you but she needs all her emotional strength now to focus on herself and her treatment and recovery and that’s very hard to do as wives do fret about their husbands! So long as you are both honest about how you’re feeling and both access support when you need it, you’ll come through it together. It’s great that you’ve turned to Macmillan and found it helpful. I’ll be honest: it’s not easy - there will be worrying times and times when you wonder how much more she/you can take (as well as occasional funny times) - but you will both get through it and, yes, you’ll have to create a new normal together. I am now cancer-free, the treatments have been successful but I still have some annoying side-effects lingering. We’re now muddling through with a different outlook on life, definitely closer and with greater understanding and appreciation of each other (I hope). All I need to do now if break my husband’s habit of watching me like a hawk.

 

I wish you and your wife well as you embark on this treatment programme to get that breast cancer destroyed. All my scans came back clear so an infected node needn’t mean there’s been a further spread. That’s the whole point of the lymph nodes - catch the disease and hold onto it. So please don’t always fear for the worst. Remember, recovery rates are very high nowadays. Good luck - and I hope you get some sound tips from other partners.

 

Jan

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Partners Diagnosis worse after surgery

Hi,

 

2 months ago the bombshell was dropped my wife had found a lump in her breast.

The following  mammogram  and biopsy 

confirmed 2 x 13mm IDC grade 2 in the upper inner chest and was described by the onco surgeon a "very treatable."

Role on post surgery it appears the tumours were joined and there were cancer cells found within the chest wall.

The rumour has also been upgraded to 3 so more aggressive with one of the lymph nodes positive.

 

The surgeons previous optimism has noticeably gone to gloomy.

 

We are waiting for CT scans chemo and Rad dates

She is er+ve her -ve.

I am just numb i seem to have unloaded most of my outpouring emotions with the original diagnosis.

I talk to Macmillan support regularly that definitely helps.

Although obviously worried she is an absolute trooper and is more concerned for me.

i am struggling to adjust to a " new normal" for this dreaded new future and sleep seems to be a luxury of the past. I am terrified of failing her because I cannot get my own functionality in order.

 

Len