Today is my 2nd mastectomy anniversary…
I really was hoping to post that today its two years since I said goodbye to my right breast, had Mx & recon and Im still cancer free… However, last Thursday I had year 2 followup Mammogram & ultrasound, followed up with an MRI today -which coincides with the mastectomy anniversary date… It really is a strange zen circle of sorts.
My initial misdiagnosis has left me rather scared and distrusting of tests and hospitals. Its so hard, trying not to get caught up in a mental battle with myself! So, on the one hand, I’m trying to be rational & am telling myself off for the fear that keeps rising in me…’ there is nothing to worry about, stop dramatizing things…’
On the other, I’m terrified… previously I have been told by nurses, surgeons,radiographers ‘Don’t worry, its unlikely to be cancer…’ ‘We are discharging you as you’re far too young to have cancer…’ ‘You have nothing to worry about as the tests show you don’t have cancer…’ 'You really don’t have to have those lumps removed, because it isn’t cancer… ’ To have my fears confirmed after my elective lumpectomy 'We are terribly sorry, you have cancer."
These past experiences keep coming up in my mind, and I’m struggling to separate the feelings of my past diagnosis form the here and now.
At midnight, I stamped gold coloured butterflies on my reconstructed breast, using a 19c vintage stamp given to me by my Rock-of-a boyfriend just after my Dx, as a symbol of the transitions I was undergoing with having cancer). This is the same thing I did before leaving for hospital two years ago… I cried. I also counted my blessings, as I am now,for even though I am scared, really scared, I am still here two years on, and will find the strength to cope with whatever the results are of these tests. I will continue to be the woman I am.
Thanks to the forum members who held me in mind today… without going into too much detail, I’m now waiting to hear the outcome of the MDT’s assessment of the results.
Buddhawolf x