Hello Everyone
I was diagnosed almost 5 years ago with breast cancer in both breasts. I started 2010 with a mastectomy on the left side and a lumpectomy on the right side, at my post opp I was told that the cancer had spread into the lymph nodes on the right side and I would have to have more surgery. This was an awful shock at the time but I saw this as a positive, I could have chemo first and then start reconstructive surgery on the left breast whilst I was having my lymph nodes removed in the right side. After my second operation I was referred to see a geneticist where I learned I had the altered BRC1 gene, this wasnt a surprise as I had looked into my family history so the folloiwng January 2011 I had my right breast removed and double reconstructive surgery and then in 2012 I had a hysterectomy and am now taking mild HRT.
I was so positive during all of my treatment, friends, family, doctors and nurses all remarked on my positive attitude and how it would get me through my treatment. I worked through my chemo and got back to work as quickly as I was able after each operation it helped to be normal.
Earlier this month I was signed off from oncology having had 2 annual check ups for the last 5 years, I should have celebrated this but didnt want to make a fuss as this years been tough to say the least. I just wanted to draw a line in the sand and move on.
At the end of last year I was experiencing pain in my breasts considdering I have no feeling there this was really odd the pain was far worse than anything I had experienced post opp however my breast care nurse wasnt concerned. When I had a further 4 episodes of this in 5 weeks over christmas and new year I was referred for a CT scan in January. The results came back to say my breasts were fine but picked up some lesions on my Liver and I was then referred for an MRI scan.
I was more scared than I ever was during my treatment and diagnosis but by mid march my results came back to say the lesions were not sinister I was referred to a plastic surgeon who said the pain was caused by scar tissue and may be capsular contracttion. Since this episode however I have been really unsettled, I have been backwards and forwards to the doctors with small niggles that in my head are big niggles. I suffer with IBS so my anxiety is making that worse, I was really poorly earlier this year with IBS symptoms and my doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist who I saw last week, he has booked me in for a colonoscopy saying there is a 2% link between the altered BRC1 gene and colon cancer. I know the problems I have been experiencing are IBS I have lived with them since my mid twenties but the consultant has sowed the seed which is adding to my anxiety.
On top of that I have a swollen lymph node in my groin, this flarred up a couple of years ago and my doctor wasnt concerned he told me to revisit if it swelled again. I visited my doctor yesterday and he once again said he wasnt concerned but would advise oncology so they could scan it if they though it necessary, I am having a blood test next week pre colonoscopy so my doctor said he would check the results of the full blood count.
This again is raising my anxiety levels and even though I have had this problem before and my doctor has said he isnt concerned I still am and my mind is doing overtime I am paranoid its something more serious.
The reason I feel this way I suppose is that when I had my initial mamogram having found the lump in the left breast myself I was asked to return the following week for the results. I realy didnt think there was anything wrong, I was only 38 so I went for the appointment alone. When my consultant told me I had cancer in both breasts I was shocked but to be honest I didnt understand a word she said to me, my mind didnt want to take it in. I then had to ring my husband to come to the hospital so that everything could be explained to us both. I realise because I thought I was fine then, I am scared to take that attitude again its easier to think the worst and be told everything is ok.
On top of all of this my husband is ill with a flair up of a rare bowel disease, he has just started medication, it took a while to get a referral back to his concultant so Simons been really poorly but his meds should take effect within a week. I guess I have been trying to keep it all together to help Simon and now feel I am falling apart.
I look at other couples and wonder why their lives look so easy compared to ours, I wonder why we have been dealt the rotten cards we have. I want the postitive person I was after my treatment to return, I liked me then. I am fed up with feeling negative and that every ache pain and niggle is cancer, there isnt a day goes by that I dont think about cancer and I constantly wear a mask so noboby knows how I feel and struggle. On 26th November it will be 5 years since I was diagnosed, I forgot all about it last year and when my Dad reminded me I thought how positive it was to forget all about it.
I am sure I will feel better when Simon shows some improvement and when I have had my colonoscopy as the results are instant. I have had counselling twice now and my GP is referring me back again, I think that will help.
I wondered how others cope and how they remain calm I want to forget my diagnosis anniversary again and put this awful year behind us.