I wasn’t sure of how to vent or where to post this so here I am in this corner of the internet!
Tomorrow I attend my radiotherapy planning meeting. Today I’m feeling the tension building up once again.
In late 2015, I got engaged and in early 2016 we put a deposit on a new house. Through 2016, I moved 3 times and lived 4 different places - the 4th being our forever home. I supported my partner through a period of depression, and helped his mum move to a care home.
2017 was supposed to be starting afresh and happy, with plans for our wedding in April 2017 ploughing ahead. Then, 4 weeks before the wedding I find a lump. Two weeks before the wedding I’m told I have early breast cancer. I go on my honeymoon knowing I’m coming back to a wide local excision and SNL removal, with more waiting.
More time has passed and I know my cancer was 12mm, there were clear margins, and clear lymph nodes. I’m one of the lucky ones. But I’m tired. There are constant thoughts of what next, will there be more, does my husband think differently of me, am I the same person? (I seem slower).
I have huge respect for everyone going through this, to whatever extent it may be. And I have what I can only describe as anger that there are so many of us. But, I also have a new appreciation of just what cancer research has and can achieve.
I’m not sure what my point is exactly! I just need to release some emotion as today is a bit hard.
Hugs to you all x
Karen, bless your heart…am I right in thinking from your timeline that it’s only a matter of weeks since your surgery? If it is then these are SUCH early days, and yes you will feel tired. Just warning you…RT itself can make you feel tired for months and if you’ve started hormone therapy, there could be side effects from that too? You’ll also had a lot of other very big life changes during your bc diagnosis period, those life changes in themselves would be enough to make anyone jittery.
Can I be honest, as I’m a year ahead of you I was diagnosed March 2016; it took me almost a full 13 months to feel like I was back to being me. I remember it was after my first year mammogram, as that first ‘anniversary’ felt very painful.
The emotional impact of diagnosis is draining, the treatment is draining and all the endless questions and fears in your head make it seem like you won’t get back to being ‘ok’. You will get back to being ‘ok’! You really need to give it some time, lots more time. Its kind of like a form of grief (my counsellor told me), whereby you have to go through various stages (ever persons stages are slightly different) before you come out the other end; accepting and mentally healed. I won’t pretend I don’t still have fears or thoughts which I’d rather not have, but they are so much less than they were and not as dramatic when they appear in my head and certainly no longer constant. I can’t remember taking to someone else 6 months after diagnosis, and we were both thinking about the bc a lot still each day.
Will there be more? None of us know. However, neither does your neighbour, or work colleague or postman or woman behind you in the queue at the checkout. Bad luck with health can happen to anyone, and after treatment I like to think that bar a smidgeon of slightly higher probability, we have reset ourselves back to the same level of risk as others. Many others live their lives oblivious to the risk they are at, of an accident, a heart attack, this and that…but we’ve had mortality reminders slap us in the face…thats the hard bit and the bit you are struggling with.
You are SO not alone in those thoughts and I truly believe they will gradually fade.
x
Yes, surgery was just under 5 weeks ago and radiotherapy starts in a little over 2 weeks. I’m comfort eating like there’s no tomorrow and shopping online as a distraction, so things are not going to end well. I can’t seem to get into a new routine.
We go on holiday on Wednesday, something which I feared we would have to cancel, so I’m hoping to relax and get my head together a bit better, but I know I’m coming back to radiotherapy.
I don’t want to sound like a moaner! Sorry guys ?
Hi KarenMc20,
Thank you so much for sharing you journey with breast cancer. Releasing emotion is always helpful and I’m sure other users will be able to relate to your feelings of anger and frustration.
Please remember that we are always here to support you via this forum and our helpline.
Best wishes,
Bonita
Thank you Bonita. I should maybe try the helpline sometime.
I think my head is still fuzzy and I’m struggling to get myself together enough to get a routine back. I went back to work last week, although I’m working at home. It was maybe too soon, but I wanted to get the decks cleared before I went on holiday.
I’m hoping that being away I’ll be able to get a lovely walk in fresh air and get moving again. I can’t work out if I’m being lazy or not. I’m worried I’m letting people down and seeming lazy!