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A total unknown...

6 REPLIES 6
Louise_BCC
Member

Re: A total unknown...

Hi NorthWestGuy

I have posted the link here to the booklet which jansman has referred to.

It is entitled 'In it Together' and is specifically aimed at partners of those diagnosed with bc.

It can be either downloaded or ordered through this link:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/upload/pdf/bcc08_in_it_together_In_it_together.pdf

I do hope you find it a useful read.

Kind regards

Louise
Facilitator

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: A total unknown...

Hi NorthWestGuy,

Thought I'd respond as there don't seem to be many partners posting on here. My wife was diagnosed about 8 weeks ago, so we have gone a little bit further down the road. It seems like 8 months rather than 8 weeks, though. We have been together somewhat longer than you (married 28 years), but I still understand some of what you are feeling. We felt that it was so unfair getting this "so young", so that must be doubly hard for you and your girl at just 25.

You should read the leaflet "In it together", which you can find on this web site. I found that quite helpful to read as it resonated well with what I was feeling. I think it is important to let her know that you are not only going to stick around, but that you are right there with her through this journey, and that the support is mutual, you are both supporting each other.

I don't know how close you are yet, but if she is happy with it, you should try to be with her at the consultations as much as possible. This has helped us because we really feel that we are doing this together. It was also good to be able to ask questions (which we wrote down in a list before each consultation), make notes, etc. when she might not be taking stuff in.

What I have found is that in the beginning it was hard to stop my mind focussing on the blackest picture, the worst possible outcome. Once we had the results from the pathology report the reality was nowhere near as dark as that, and we are able to carry on and have fun despite all this. I found it helpful to learn as much as possible about the disease, diagnosis and treatment as "knowing the enemy" helped me to be positive, which is good for her as well as me. (I think the worst thing is fear of the unknown!)

If you want to PM (private message) me to discuss any more detailed things at any point, then please feel free.

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: A total unknown...

Hi
Firstly the main thing you can do is just be there for her that will mean so much its not true.
Cancer is something no one knows how to deal with cos its so scary however thank goodness these days treatments keep improving almost on a daily basis and bc has a good chance of a good outcome. Having a treatment plan helps a lot then you can find out how to get through it, because it might not be nice but most is douable, as most of us on here will tell you. Also theres lots of info on the treatments both on here and the Macmillan website so you can understand better the why's and wherefores of it all. Doubt I need to tell you that there is an awfull lot of c**p out there to that can scare you silly.

I do know how important having suport from the man in your life is.

I'm a bit unconventional in that for various reasons a few years ago was off relationships and ended up 2 and 3 years ago meeting 2 'physical activaties' buddies as I call them. I never expected either to last more than a couple of months at most and was posative that when I mentioned the bc 3 months ago they would head for the hills especially one who went through a bad time with his mum having c a last year.
Have they heck they have both been so supportive the one who I thought would run even more so in that he has even offered to come to chemo with me if I need him too. Neither has been phased by my scars from surgery (only worried about hurting me), or bothered about my at present near slaphead look (guess it will be the full baldie soon).
Thire acceptance of me with all these horrible changes has made it so much easier for me to come to terms with what I'm going through and also helped me maintain a good body image which many women have a problem with, as some of the surgery can be quite disfiguering sometimes. Because of these 2 lovely men both of whom are considerably younger than me, and who dont have to hang areound, I still feel I'm the same mad sexy woman they think of me as, so that me as a person and a woman is winning this fight against bc.

So what I'm really trying to say is be there for her let her know that you care for her for the person she is inside, but also let her know that you still find her physically attractive too, it is so easy to doubt your still a "real woman" sometimes when fighting this disease.
The fact that you've looked up and come on this site says a lot about you, a very caring man, and I think just being your own loving self will help her more than you could ever know.

Thinking of you both
g

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: A total unknown...

Hello NorthWest Guy

You sound like a kind sensitive guy and are so worried about your girl that you can't sleep too. Just be there for her - her emotions are going to be very up and down. I am sure she likes you a lot too and is woried about putting you off because she is ill so soon in your relationship. Be her shoulder and give her plenty of unconditional cuddles. Lyn x

crispy
Member

Re: A total unknown...

Hi

Welcome to the forum. It feels very unknown territory. Are you still waiting for confirmation of results?

It is very unsettling when you don't know what is going to happen next. Do use the help line and post any queries.

Crispy

June_BCC
Member

Re: A total unknown...

Hi

Welcome to the forums, I’m sure other users will be along to support you soon.
In the meantime you may find it useful to contact our free helpline on 0808 800 6000, opening hours are Monday to Friday 9.00 – 5.00 and Saturday 9.00 – 2.00.

Best wishes
June, moderator

Guest user
Not applicable

A total unknown...

Hello all.

I'm here as a weird kind of last resort. I'm a 25 year old guy who grew up on the net. I never thought I'd be on one of these sites until the last 48 hours happened. I used to think these sites wouldn't work - that the anonymous nature would make the whole thing feel souless.

Then I met my girl. 6 weeks ago - we clicked, like no-one has ever clicked with me before. I've never been so content in my life, I finally understood what it was to meet 'that someone'...

2 days ago her test came back from a lump we found, and the doctors think it's cancerous. Shes 25 too. Bless her... she didn't want to trouble me with it because she thought it would scare me off. Tonight she said to me, 'but what if I go bald?'... and it near broke my heart.

I know it's only been 6 weeks, but I've completely fallen for this girl - but cancer is something I don't know how to deal with.

I want to support her - but I don't know how.

If anyone has any tips, I'd be grateful to hear them.

Many thanks,

NorthWestGuy