Accepting mastectomy

[PenguinBiscuits]

I am about to starting going swimming and getting my energy levels improved. I have put on a lot of weight over the last year and having cancer and then the extra weight has really got me down, I have a history of depression. I also have an under active thyroid which was diagnosed within the last year and I think that can effect your weight, the cancer was only 6 months ago. Maybe it's just all the sitting about and eating too much chocolate ha ha. I'm concerned about people staring, I had one yesterday but it was more my tummy she was looking at, I think she thought I was pregnant, I'm 55 and had a hysterectomy 22 years ago so no chance of that. But I'm going to go swimming, we have to get on and enjoy life, it's too short as we all know.
Go swimming. And all the best.

[Scooby0871]

Glad you do it as well Naz and I have the two types of stares as well! xx

[NAZ]

Scooby, I will let you into a little secret. I have started swimming ( to try and get fit) and improve my emotional well being. Well, this week, i have also spent the week gazing at women with 2 ( natural ) looking boobs! Sometimes they get the daggers from me and sometimes, i think , well it could happen to you, so enjoy your chest while its yours! Pretty cynical I agree!
Totally agree with the last line of your post. These things are only sent to the ones who are strong enough and we are real strong women, trust me! Meltdowns are fine, they are part of the grieving process and accepting the new normal, so don't worry xxxxx

[Scooby0871]

Well said Gadgetgirl and Naz! Just going through another meltdown over how I look so to read your kind, positive words has helped. Spent the week at Centre Parcs which was lovely but I just became obsessed with all the ladies walking round in their swimming costumes with two boobs!!! A work in progress is a good description, that it definitely is. I am 15 months down the line now from mx and don't feel as though I have moved forward in accepting it yet. My partner has the patience of a saint! These things are only sent to the ones who are strong enough to cope with it though so I still have hope I can get my head round it xx

[NAZ]

Well said Gadgetgirl! In my view, the recon can LOOK okay, but the feel of it ( i have had LD with implant) well,i am still trying to get used to it and it is now getting towards 2 years since it was all done for me!)

I just hope that one day, i will learn to accept new body better. For now, it is definitely work in progress and this in my experience, is something which those closest to us, can NEVER get unless they have experienced the same.

Naz xxx

[Gadgetgirl]

I think what gets lost sometimes is that any and all of this surgery is mutilating. I had mx and ANC and LD recon all in one go 5 weeks ago. My surgeon has done a great job, but the fact remains my body is not the same, has new scars and a new structure and although it looks different than if I had just had a mx it doesn't look the same as before surgery. I think with native tissue recon there is an assumption that there is little difference before and after surgery, whereas in fact there is a huge difference in feel, and just knowing what has been done to your body.
So yes Roadrunner is right in her first post and part of the process of dealing with cancer is getting our heads around the permanent and life-changing nature of it, that most around us just can't understand.
Accepting new normal I guess is what we're all working towards.
All the best Jo xx

[Helenbythesea]

Try both - it all helps make us put one bit of us in perspective!

[Scooby0871]

Not sure which bit I like the sound of most their Helen-the pretending to be a teenager again or the pleasure using our senses! xx

[Helenbythesea]

It should do.  And I can see where your consultant is coming from about taking it out and taking otu your stress on it! 

i used to teach Sex and Relationships education with a specialist teacher  - and it was all about Reducing Teenage pregnancy.  Reading our strand reminds me of the work we did with the kids - we got them thinking about how they gain "pleasure" using all their senses, in order to try to make them realise that they could have fun without sex  and so risk getting pregnant.  It was a fantastic project and we all did it as teachers -working out what gave us pleasure - using all 5 of our senses.  Chocolate and wine came out high

[Scooby0871]

Don't worry about that. My thread was open to anyone to throw their comments/rants at. Just good to know you're not on your own xx

[NAZ]

Hi Scooby
It just occurred to me that you wrote your thread for support and there am I ranting about my recon, so sorry xxx
So glad you have an appointment for counselling, really hope it helps. I wish I had gone for some proper counselling, although I did talk to my work counsellor for a long time last year because I had so much anger inside of me.
it's all a process I think and one that takes lots of adjustment. I really miss my breast and having sensation there, can't help it really, it's just how it is I guess.

Take care and let us know how counselling goes.
NAZ XXXX

[Scooby0871]

Reading your conversation Naz and Helen was very interesting. Seeing it from the other side where recon has been done. The consultant I went to see about recon, after listening to my fears about it, said I was better to stick with the prosthesis because at least I can take that out my bra and throw it across the room when I get upset about things. If I have recon and I am not happy with it I am stuck with it. Think he had a point. The grief bit got to me too. I do feel like I am grieving for my boob. They were about the only bit of my body I liked and they did play an important role with me and my boyfriend. On the plus side I do now have an appointment through for counselling which can only help.

[NAZ]

Ah yes, i hear all that you are saying Helen, so maybe it is all about compromise at the end of the day?

Very hard to come to terms with, a  genuine loss, but need to be thankful that we are here!. So, life has come at a price hasn't it.. I know what you mean. I had the nipple done some time ago now,. I have to remind OH that it does NOTHING! It is lifeless as the rest of it is and no amount of toucing and poking is going to kickstart a piece of skin from my back, into action!

[Helenbythesea]

EXACTLY - the key to enjoyment and larking about.  And because it has been the focus of so much over the last few months/weeks/years we do - well i do, focus in on it.  I do have ticklish feet but they are down there and not up here!

The numbness has really got to me, sometimes after an evening of fun!!  I end up in tears about it.  not because of my husband, but because of me.  Grief?  Letting him down?  Letting me down?  Don't know - and then i get angry and frustrated.  I did not think before all this, i was such a touchy feelie person, but i am and it is that that i have found hard to lose.

But then I heard about another BC lady who has had a different reconstruction and can't pick up her grandchild - and that makes me think....

[NAZ]

Very true Helen, very true..

However, without wishing to go into the finer details, well my boobs WERE the key to some kind of enjoyment and  one does not work so well on its own!

God it is so hard isnt it. The numb bit, you are the first person i have spoken to who has mentioned the sadness feeling nothing there. It is  genuine griet i think - well it is for me..

[Helenbythesea]

SNAP - that is how i see mine.  It looks ok but has no feeling and just sort of looks lifeless - which it is!  A cancer nurse at the counselling centre really made me laugh last week when I said I said i was struggling with the fact that it was numb, and i felt self concious with my husband and upset for myself - she said Helen, your boob is about 2% of your body - and there is another 98% for him to explore and have fun with that you can enjoy!  That made me laugh... and think

[NAZ]

Your counselling sounds interesting Helen, I wished I had bothered to have some for all the ranting and raving I did over my reconstruction. can't say I like it even now and why should I, but I suppose acceptance is the key to living life and moving forward. Mine is a lump of numb silicone, covered in a big scar , Yuk!!!!

[Helenbythesea]

I am seeing a psychologist for counselling and last week we talked about the reconstruction.  I was asked to describe it.... a lump of grey silicon jelly plus a bit of mesh all holding it in place with stitching.  How did the hospital describe it.... a teardrop, held in a mesh like a clam.  So I am now playing with the idea of a clam.. unfortunately clams dont often give pearls do they?!

So it is all about acceptance and enjoying and being grateful

[Scooby0871]

Yeah agree there helenbythesea. There isn't a normal is there. Just have to be grateful we are here and get on with it xx

[Helenbythesea]

Road runner has said it all - i have had immediate reconstruction and am now struggling with the points she made - what is normal now?

[NAZ]

Hi Scooby
Road runner has hit the nail on the head with her words. There are sadly Some compromises to be made on this journey and it can take a long time for us to get our heads around the cards we are dealt with. None of the compromises are easy to accept, but over to time, which ever decision you make, recon or no recon, you will LEARN to accept, even though you may never like. It's a process and one which has no time limit. Our emotions are not linear , they are up and down, because that is how this journey can be at times.

Take care
You WILL feel better eventually, promise xxxx

[Scooby0871]

Thanks RoadRunner.  I always remember the chemo nurse saying to me that I will have a normal again, it will just be a different normal, it is just easier said than done isn't it.

[RoadRunner]

Hi Scooby,

When I was deciding whether to have a recon, and what sort of recon I wanted, it helped me when I realised that everything is a compromise after a mastectomy.  Your boob has gone, you can't undo that, what you have to do is decide which compromise is the easiest for you to live with (or the least bad!).  The way I saw it, my choices were:

1. Live with a mastectomy - the compromise is living with a boob missing. 

2. Have a recon using my own tissue - the compromise here is that another part of you is affected, you have to take a bit of you from somewhere else to make a new boob.

3. Recon with implant - the compromise here is having a recon that includes a foreign body.

Before you can make that choice, you need to accept that it will not be perfect any more.  Maybe it is still too early for you to do that.  You will need to move on from the feelings of anger and bitterness, and I think that can take a lot of time.  There is no rush to make any decisions, and some counselling may help you.  Take your time.

[Scooby0871]

Thank you so much Naz.  Your reply has bought a tear to my eye.  I have all those 'angry' and 'bitter' feelings and it all makes sense what you say.  I am currently waiting to hear about some counselling.  Not something I have considered before but anything is worth a go.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.  It all helps doesn't it xxx

[NAZ]

Hi Scooby

I dont come on here much now, but your thread jumped out at me and said 'reply'.

It is hard, there is no getting away from it and one year on from MX to accept and move on, is not alot of time. I will be 5 years from DX this September, MX, chemo, recon, failed recon and more recon. Do you know what, it has taken me until the beginning of this year to finally accept that i really only have one natural breast. Recon is a shape under clothes only as far as i am concerened, because like you, i did not have enough fat for a natural recon, so had to go with the implant.

Be kind to yourself, do nice things, maybe go for CBT,  keep busy, find inspiring people to read about?. To be honest, there is not a day that does not go by when i dont wish i could turn the clock back. But after all this time, i can face the day, get out of bed, work and look after kids and be okay with my body. That was not the case for a  long long time, i was angry and bitter and all sorts!

There are loads of lovely members on here who have had MX and forwhat ever reason, no recon, so i hope they pop along to chat and offer some advice.

It does take time and that you must accept. Things do also get easier though as your focus changes and you find new things to give you focus and fill your brain with.

Hope some of this makes sense?

Naz xxx

[Scooby0871]

Hi - new to all this 'forum' chat but hoping you can help.  Just passed a year since diagnois and mastectomy.  Was really hoping things would have gotten a bit easier for me by now by which I mean accepting I only have one boob and that I can still be me with only one, but it isn't.  My boyfriend is so supportive and tells me how gorgeous I am but I just can't accept or understand that.  Needless to say our relationship has come to a full stop.  I was hoping to have a natural breast reconstruction but, on the positive side, I haven't got enough fat.  I really don't like the idea of a false implant firstly, not keen on a foreign body inside me and secondly worried about any disparity that there will be between my natural and false boob.  I know it won't be perfect and I am a perfectionist.  Know I need to lower my standards but that is easier said than done isn't it when it is the way you are.  I just so want to go back a year and be happy again.  Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to be here and that I only lost a boob but I just don't seem to be able to move on.

Have any of you lovely ladies got any words of wisdom that can give me that kick up the backside?