I’m probably unusual in being the husband here. My wife noticed a lump in her breast 10 days ago, saw the GP last Saturday, the consultant on Tuesday and had her biopsies and mammogram yesterday. The lump has grown unusually quickly (this is what my wife told me the doctor had said). She could see today that she has a golf ball sized lump or about the size of a 2p piece in her breast. It could be seen clearly and was round. She had also noticed a swollen armpit, had been unusually tired last week and now just since Tuesday the area between her collar bone and breast has also started to swell causing a little immmobility in her arm; it has been accompanied by heavy sweats. When they did the biopsy on her breast today it bled profusely. Plus when she left the hospital the receptionist said that she’d receive a letter for a return appointment, but she has already been given an appointment for next Thursday. I should add that she is 50 years old and no family history, two kids, breastfed, and a year or so now off the pill; she’s a dentist so not untrained in x-rays, and has told me it’s serious (to the point that I know she’s been checking all her life cover and the like). If I sound like a novice at this, then I am, but I’m scared and I know my wife is too. We’re both prepared for the very worst. We can both take it on the chin and the not knowing is…well, words cannot describe. Advice please!
Hi there sorry that you have had to come and join us on here but you will find it a source of invaluable support … the waiting is always the the worst somehow after diagnosis and you know exactly what it is you are dealing with does make it a bit easier …I appreciate that you are both worried and your mind will go into overdrive but all you can do is wait for the appointment …I really hope that it is nothing but if it is that bloody disease you will be well informed on the next stage …I myself was diagnosed at 52 just over 18 mths ago …and have had mastectomy and two attempts at breast reconstruction the latest in March this year … when I was first diagnosed it was a big shock as I had no lumps at all just many many tiny ones that did not even show up on the Mammo …my dx was made by the needle biopsy and a MRI scan …but I have coped and done it and with virtually no support from my other half …so at least your wife knows that you are there for her as you have come on here for advice …please let us know when you get your results and we are all here for you xxxxxxxxxxx
Love Mazx
Oh what a sad post.
I was diagnosed in April and i am waiting for chemo to start on 2nd july. I am 32 with two babies and an excellent husband. All i can say is take each step at a time and the more you find out at each appointment the better it feels.
The not knowing and the waiting is the worst and also shock.
Once the shock wore off for us, we started to make plans and now feel ready to take it on.
Good luck to you both.
Hi Worried husband
So sorry you’re going through the nightmare of not knowing. I was only recently diagnosed and can clearly remember the pure hell of waiting to find out. I know it sounds like a cliche, but the not knowing truly is the worst part of all this. Once you know what you’re dealing with it all becomes so much easier. I felt sick to my stomach every day whilst waiting for my results (for 12 days!), but since being diagnosed I haven’t felt sick once (well, maybe when I was first told) and now actually feel very positive and ready for the fight!!
Your wife is very luck to have such a supportive husband (my husband’s very supportive too I might add). So whatever the outcome is, just be there for her and reassure her constantly. With the love of a good man we women can get through anything!
On a positive note; 85% of lumps turn out to be benign. However, we’ll be here to support you both if you need it.
Let us know how you get on.
Caro xx
I was 45 when diagnosed. I’d completely breast fed my 3 children and there was no bc family history.I was fit,slim and a lifelong veggie- and I was meticulous about examining my breasts each month!
My lump seemed to appear out of nowhere. It grew from 1cm to 2.4cm in 3wks and felt as though it was taking on a life of its own- I swore I could feel a pulse in it! After the op I was told it had spread to my nodes and there was an awful lot of vascular invasion which wasn’t good news. But I’m still here and still ned 5+yrs later!..and there are quite a few of us on here with similar stories,
Josie x
All I can add to other posts is how invaluable your support will be. I was recently diagnosed with a large tumour that had spread to lymph nodes and which came up very suddenly indeed. I was told it must have been there for about 2 years or more but I couldn’t feel anything before, I’d checked my breasts about 6 weeks’ before and then suddenly there was this huge lump (about 5cm x 6cm). I was diagnosed 3 days before my 45th birthday.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and my husband and it is such a shock. I know that I am extremely lucky to have such a supportive husband. I had chemo first and will be having a double mastectomy in 2 days’ time followed by more chemo and radiotherapy. It really is a case of just taking one day at a time.
Do make sure that you are clear about things each step of the way and don’t be afraid to ask the oncologist/surgeon if you have questions or are unclear. There is an awful lot to take in very quickly.
Elinda x
I’d like to thank everyone who has taken the time and effort to post here. As you may have sensed I’m devestated and numb. I know the outlook is poor and as many of you have said it’s the uncertainty and the wait that is the worst part. I’d like to ask for a piece of follow on advice. My wife has said that she thinks she’d prefer to be alone with the consultant on Thursday; I shall of course respect her wish in this regard, but does anyone have any thoughts?
Kevin
PS good luck to you all
Hi Kevin,
I was diagnosed 3rd March have had WLE (lump removed) and start chemo on Tuesday. i could not have got this far without the support of my husband, its great to have someone who really understands you and puts up with the mood swings!!
On a personal note i have had my husband at every appt so far, mainly because apart from the support he is much better at remembering all the things that are said, i tend to go in a daze!! not normally me!
Hope you get some positive news, thinking of you both,
love Debs x
Hi Kevin … I had all my appointments alone …my husband is c**p
at that sort of thing and would have made a stressful situation even worse thats just the way he is .I would just like to say its amazing what strength you find in the face of adversity …if it comes to that however I have everything crossed for you to get a good result xxxxx
Maz
Kevin
My husband was with me when I got the news that I had cancer and I was glad of it. If it is bad news, it’s a shock and some people find that they can’t remember what was said to them at the time, so it’s helpful to have someone with you.
It’s a difficult one if your wife wants to be alone and you want to be with her. I would say if you want to be with her, tell her that, but as you say, respect her wishes if she declines. She may change her mind on the day. I think it is useful for partners to be there when you’re getting all this information as it helps them to understand what’s happening.
Good luck for Thursday and let us know how you get on.
Sal x
Hi there,
I am waiting for results too and also wish to get the results alone. My husband is the most supportive man you could have but he suffers with anxiety so I do not want to exacerbate that if the news is bad. I can tell him in a way I know will be much gentler on him if the need arises. I want this because I love him and want to protect him which I am sure is why your wife wants to go it alone.
Let us know how you get on,
Take care
Clarabelle x
Hi Kevin
I requested my husband be glued to my side for every single appointment, including my original biopsy and a recent MRI scan - but that’s because I’m such a whimp!! My husband’s a surgeon himself, so I guess it gives me a sense of security having him there to ask questions and interpret the medical stuff. However, I wish I was as brave as your wife. I wouldn’t take it too personally that she’d rather be alone. We all deal with things in different ways, and this is obviously just her way of coping. Perhaps you can suggest waiting in the waiting room so that you’re there to support her if she needs it.
Good luck, fingers crossed for you…
Caro x
Thank you to all who have replied. Unfortunately - and it is all a bit of a blur - I accompanied my wife to hear the results, and it isn’t good news. My wife has invasive breast cancer and it has spread to her lumphs. I’m numb to the terminology and if I’m honest I cannot take it in anyway. My wife has taken particularly badly the words “we’ll do everything we can for you” from the breat consultant. This was Thursday. He is arranging urgent MRI and CT, and said that the plan was for chemo followed by mastectomy. Both he and the breast cancer nurse felt that CT might be the more difficult one to arrange and take 2 weeks to do, but the appointment letters came through today with CT next Tuesday, but MRI a week on Thursday. So we’re looking to go private for the MRI/CT on Tuesday/Wednesday in time for the weekly clinical review. My wife doesn’t want to have to wait another week. I need to be positive for her and gove her a short term goal to focus on. So again advice please (and I think I know some of the answers to this already, namely this looks bad): is there really any chance to beat this, or are we just being fed spin? My wife reckons she can feel the cancer coursing through her body and tells me that her joints and neck are tingling, that her fingers are swollem, and her teeth are jangling - I don’t doubt my wife for one moment, but I’m not living this, she is. Are these experiences nirmal? I keep telling her that we can beat this together, but in my heart of hearts I’m struggling to cope and stay with her, and am utterly exhausted.
Hi, sorry you got the news you didn’t want to hear. There is still a fair chance that your wife will get through this. There are many women who post here who had spread to their lymph nodes and are fit and well after treatment, so you are not just being fed spin.
Your wife’s feelings are not unusual though, when you hear that you hae cancer your view of the world does change, you become acutely aware of your body and what would have been brushed off previously now is a niggle “is this linked to my cancer”.
It is very hard waiting for scans and the results but take comfort from the fact that only a very small proportion of women have secondary cancer - spread beyond the lymph nodes.
It might be worth you giving the helpline a ring to talk through your fears and perhaps get your wife to do the same. You will find that once her treatment starts then things are a little easier to deal with.
All the best
Fiona
Thanks, Fiona. Before reading this, I just suggested to my wife that she call the help line. At the moment she not surprisingly doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone so it’s making it doubly hard for me to shoulder it all. Her biggest concern is not having the CT and MRI in time for the next weekly clinical review which seems so key in NHS treatment cycles - miss that and you’re in for another week of uncertainty. I’m trying to stay positive for her, but finding it very difficult. I think she would benefit by talking to others, but perhaps she’s just not ready for that yet. Hopefully the upcoming cycle of testing and some short term goals will give her something to focus on.
All advice is gratefully received.
Kevin
Hi Kevin
I am posting a link to our newly diagnosed resource pack which you both may find helpful to read, there is also a publication for partners of those diagnosed which again, may be helpful to you:
breastcancercare.org.uk/server/show/nav.718/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/82
breastcancercare.org.uk/server/show/nav.718/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/15
Hope this helps a little, the helpline is open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 9-2 on 0808 800 6000 when you are ready to call.
Hope you don’t mind, I moved this thread from the breast awareness forum to newly diagnosed.
Best wishes
Lucy
Hi Kevin, welcome. Your wife’s in that horrible limbo stage at the moment, where it’s all waiting - for results, to start treatment. As Fiona says, paranoia is one of the biggest problems - we all get it, thinking every little twinge is secondaries. The comfort is, it almost always isn’t (ooops, terrible grammar there!) Another point is that a week or two here or there doesn’t make a big lot of difference to the cancer - it’s just your mind it messes with.
The good news is that invasive breast cancer, even with lymph nodes involved, is extremely treatable - the advances even in the past 5 years have been incredible. I had invasive Grade 3 (the most aggressive) with lymph node involvement, and I’ve been given an 85% survival rate (and half the remaining 15% is dying of something else.)
So although at present it seems like the knell of doom, there is a very good chance that in year’s time it will be all over, cancer a thing of the past, and life all the more sweet and precious because of it. In the meantime, your loving support is going to mean everything to her - I know my OH is a pearl beyond price! Accompanying her to appointments, making her rest and eat properly, arranging treats when she’s feeling better or just sitting by her when she’s not, showing (not just telling) her she’s still gorgeous with no hair or eyelashes and a wonky boob…
No problem moving the thread, Lucy. And thanks for the advice Susanne. I’m more concerned about the lymphs now than I am the actual breast tumour. My wife is struggling to tell me about it, but the lynphs are in a bad way. She’s popping paracetemol every four hours or so and sleeping with a towel tucked under her arm. This doesn’t sound like normal prgression to me, and she seems to be deteriorating fast, much more quickly than I would have envisaged. I can quiz the medical team tomorrow, but for now I’ll getting back to making her a cuppa at this early hour.
K
Kevin - so sorry to hear that the news was not what you hoped…
See today if you can find out what type of cancer your wife has, and see if they know anything about what grade and size the tumour is… And whether it is hormone and herceptin positive or negative…
I had to have bone scan, ct scan, heart scan etc in the first week after i was diagnosed before i could start chemo and i know how worrying it is…
Theresa
A week since the first diagnosis. My wife met the oncologist yesterday (she went in on her own at her wish in case the news was really bad). He told her that he’s going to use a combination chemotherapy one of which I know to be Taxotere (docetaxel), and should start treatment next Wednesday. That’s assuming the CT she’s undergoing today is ok. She came away feeling much more positive, and I guess that’s the main thing because she had been getting steadily more depressed with each day. What I cannot gauge is just how likely this is going to be successful in shrinking the tumour in her breast, or whether this is more a case of palliative treatment or a treatment with limited chance of working. But then there’s little else we can do than place our faith in this. Reading some of the other threads, the chemo sounds daunting, and I’m amazed how much some of the posters understand about the chemistry of their treatments - but anyone care to offer the bottom line here? If I Google Taxotere, I’m confused by the efficacy of it.