Am I right to feel angry?

[LargerBloke]

Hi All Token bloke chipping in. By and large we are easy to understand. We don't really do fluffy emotional stuff, and sympathising. For a typical bloke support comes when there's something more practical we can do. Chocciemuffin talks a lot of sense, at the moment you are sore and have a lump. The chnces are the clinic will reassure you there's nothing to worry about, and it's something like a cyst.
We are also scared witless of sayng the wrong things - we can often see you are worried, but are fully aware that our very practical comment may not be that well received, no matter how well meant it was!
Have you been to see your GP and got a referral yet?
Paul.

[Guest user]

Oh dear, what an emotional time, but wise words from chocciemuffin.
A man's mind is certainly a mystery to me, as my other half forgot that I was going to the hospital for the test results, completely and utterly forgot everything about it. How could anyone forget! His attitude was that if I'd have reminded him, he would have remembered. We've been married nearly 40 years. As a rule, he will not worry about something in advance, only after it's happened. He will put worries to the back of his mind, until he has to address them. I bring worries to the front of my mind so that I've worked things out in advance - if that makes sense. We are just different people, and he doesn't cross his bridges until he comes to them. Perhaps your other half will provide just as good care of you as you did for him, if and when this situation does/doesn't turn out to need it. My husband has been mostly very helpful, despite his dodgy memory at the beginning.
But to add a little balance, I had a really terrible reaction from my sister to the news so people do behave oddly and in ways you don't expect. And we are certainly not our normal selves!!
I hope it all turns out ok for you, and I think you might be better to ask your partner to go with you, if his job permits. He is probably quite anxious that the new job goes OK, which is understandable with a family. Good luck K x

[Guest user]

Hi Lisa
My boyfriend of 13 years has been the same and he annoys me too. We don’t live together and he rarely texts to see how I am, even more rarely phones. He says he cares but rarely starts a conversation about my operation and treatment.
I decided that if he came to the second chemo yesterday he would get more of an idea of the seriousness of it all and thought it was working, especially as he saw them putting 8 separate syringes etc through in the two hours I was there, then he saw the bag of medicines I had to bring home to take. No chance! He phoned later to see if I was going out in the evening! NO, I said, didn’t you listen when I told you how tired and yukky I was feeling when I got back home...
To add balance I have to say he is mucking out my horse at the weekends to save me money. He doesn’t like doing it, doesn’t have any interest in horses, and would prefer to have a lie in but he IS doing it. He also goes one evening a week to get hay and straw as I can’t lift anything like that. Maybe this is his way of saying he cares, I don’t know. It seems that men look at things differently but it does upset and anger me lots.
Good luck with your other half, hope it gets better for you

[mggdggn@yahoo.co.uk]

You are going to think me mad in using this as acomparison but it might help you. Every emotion you are feeling is normal and we all felt them... Scared, lost,frightened of the unknown. When you were pregnant with your first I bet you read every book about motherhood and how to deal and cope with a new born. I bet once that bundle of joy came you forgot everything you read and had to rely on 'winging' it... The books made no sense to the 'real life' of having a baby. You then took each day and ever little blip and dealt with it... The book and all it's help was no help at all. Well that was BC is like, we read and read everything, some of it will apply to us, but most of it is taking every day at a time and 'winging' it...
We expect our loved ones to understand what we are going through but then have no understanding ourselves.... We are expecting the impossible from them.
I don't have a husband or partner, I have a mum and sister both senior nurses, my mum works in a hospice so sees the end of life, my sister works with very sick people. My sister struggles to understand how I'm feeling and we fall out constantly. I know she loves me, but can't show the same patience to me as she does others because I am too close and she is emotionally involved to me and can't detach herself... It's hard and I get upset but I have to think about me. Once she saw me Strong and coping she became a great support and now comes to all my chemo and sat by my bed when I had all 3 surgerie. Give hubby time he will come good I promise.... In the mean time come on here and scream at us and we will carry you through....
Small hugs to you
Maggie x

[Lola65]

Hi Lisa,

You say you are taking your sister in law with you to your appointment. Why not take your husband? He may feel hurt if you exclude him, which won't help matters, and if you do get bad news (IF) he will be there to hear it first hand, and will be there when everything that may happen is explained to you. Much better than you having to tell him second hand. He says he knows nothing about breasts. Well, this may be the time for him to learn!

Good luck. xxx

[Guest user]

Thanks ever so much Jo. I am going to make a call but I've had children off school, poorly x

[Jo_BCC]

Hi Lisa,

Although you are getting some really good support from your fellow forum users, if you need to talk to someone in person then our helpline team are just a free phone call away, 0808 800 6000, lines open Mon-Fri 9-5 and Sat 10-2.

Take care,

Jo, Facilitator

[Guest user]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies 🙂
I completely understand that its just as hard for him as it is me, But I thought being an ambulance technician (which he's been for a few years now) that he would show me the compassion, understanding and the sympathy that he shows to his patients. I geared myself up to tell him how I'm feeling last night. It went badly, very badly.
we argued. The last thing I wanted to do when I'm feeling so vulnerable. It resulted in me going upstairs and sobbing on my bed for a long time. He came up, we argued some more. I sobbed some more, until I could hardly breathe 😞 in the end he told me that he hasn't said anything because breast conditions is something he knows absolutely nothing about! But then, neither do I. He says I have scare mongered myself. I tried to explain to him that other than my grandad having breast cancer, it's something I know nothing about. I don't know one person who has found a lump in their breast, benign or otherwise. And I just want to be prepared for my consultation, I want to know exactly what they're going to do to me!!
I have already downloaded and read the information booklets that have been mentioned. Is it so wrong to want to be prepared. Making myself aware, somehow feels as though I am taking charge and not burying my head in the sand!

thanks for listening,
lisa x

[ChoccieMuffin]

Can I step back a bit? Right now, you have a lump. When you see your GP you will be referred to the breast clinic (note, it's not the breast CANCER clinic) where they will be able to check you out thoroughly and find out what the lump and pain is. At this stage, you need to be aware that the VAST majority of referrals to a breast clinic are NOT cancer. Also remember that the docs in A&E are NOT breast experts, just as your GP isn't.

If you haven't got a GP appointment yet, give the surgery a ring, tell them you've found a breast lump and want to be seen urgently. When you see your GP, they will refer you and you will get an appointment within 2 weeks. That's not because the doc thinks it's something serious, it's just that urgent referrals have to be seen within 2 weeks. If you get an appointment just a couple of days later, that's a GOOD thing, no indication of anything nasty going on.

Read the leaflets in the Publications section of this site, particularly there's one about what happens at a breast clinic and another one about what lumps are. I'm sure a Mod will be along soon with specific links.

For the moment, your OH is probably thinking "it's probably nothing, she's getting all stressed when it's just a lump, it's nothing to worry about. I've got the new job to worry about, I'm not going to stress about something that's probably nothing at all."

Good luck, and rant away as much as you like on here. But do be aware that the people on here are not a balanced section of society, we've all drawn the short straw. Lots of people have been to the clinic and walked out again with just a cyst or a slight infection and you have a much higher chance of being one of them rather than one of us.

Sorry, rambling. Good luck.

CM
x

[Guest user]

Hi Lisa, I can totally understand your anger and frustration because you need his support right now. I think it must be a man thing. When I was going through diagnosis and decisions about treatment my husband hardly even nodded when I told him what had been said at each appointment. (He doesn't do hospitals or medical stuff so I couldn't take him with me.) He then progressed to saying 'you'll be fine' all the time as if trying to convince himself and that drove me even more mad because I knew it would be far from fine. Nearly a year on now and I can't believe how he has been my rock, taken care of me in the most practical ways, put up with me in my darkest hours and in all sorts of moods. I could not have asked for a better carer and I'm ashamed to say it's way more than I expected of him. Maybe it just takes longer for men to process it all and step up to the mark. It must be an awful shock for partners too and a whole new role for them to take on. I hope given time your man will come through for you too. Best wishes x

[stellam]

Hi Lisa, we all have different ways of dealing with things. I was diagnosed nearly 4 yrs ago and the one thing I learnt was that this doesn't only affect you it also rocks the foundation of our loved ones. I can remember my BC nurse asking me how I was during my chemo and my reply to her was that me & my treatment was doing fine, but my family had totally fallen apart. At the time my son was 21 & my daughter 20, my husband was busy trying to juggle working full time, dealing with our children's concerns and worries and then playing nurse maid to me. your hubby's also got the added pressures of trying to impress at work, learn his new role and try to be there for you and your children.
Big hugs being sent your way Lisa

Stella xxxx

[applestreet]

Hiya..my hubby kept saying to me "you're worrying too much" when I found my lump...once I was dx with bc he was marvellous all the way through treatment and after...I thought at first he wasn't bothered but now I am on the other side of treatment he has been honest and told me that he didn't say much as he didn't want to upset me and was as scared as I was...best wishes to you for your appt and if it isn't bc well fantastic and if it is then please take heart..all is doable...M

[Guest user]

Hello Sue,
thanks for replying. I think you're probably right about my OH although, he's never been one to clam up in the 11 years we've been together! A typical male, I should imagine. I hope he does step up, obviously. We have 5 children to look after!! I have asked his sister to come with me to my appointment. She will ask questions that I may forget or if I'm too emotional.
its all so confusing, one part of me can't wait to just find out one way or the other and the other part of me just don't wanna go at all!
Thanks again,
lisa x

[Guest user]

Hi Lisa
You have every right to feel angry. In fact I rarely believe that an emotion is not valid.
I suspect your oh is being a typical male ostrich. Until you get a diagnosis he is in denial, but of course you need support now. Hopefully he will do what is needed if you get bad news at your appointment.
Do try to take someone with you to your appointment. You may not get a diagnosis at a first appointment - I didn't, just had a mammogram, ultrasound and needle biopsy taken - but you might do or you might at least get a strong hint as to whether they think it is good or bad news.
Good luck with your appointment
Sue

[Guest user]

Thank you for your reply Angie. I don't even know what he's thinking, he hasn't said anything!! I don't know if he is scared or just thinks its nothing. I'm glad your partner stepped up. After I posted here, I spoke to my sister-in-law and she told me that I need to have a chat with him and tell him how I feel... I'm trying to take a positive approach to what's going on but it's hard. I'm a tough old boot 😉 ill be fine! X

thank you Cathie. I think what really started me off was I asked him last night if he will be coming to my breast clinic appointment and he said no :'( that was heartbreaking for me to hear. I know it's because he has started a new job today and can't take any time off but this is so important to me. I would move heaven and earth to be there with him. But I also feel guilty that I'm taking the focus away from his new job... Oh, its a whole range of emotions going through my mind. A complete torrent.
i haven't even told him that I joined this site because he don't seem to want to hear anything about it. I don't want to bottle it all up, I want to talk about it!!
Ranting again lol.
thanks ladies, Lisa x

[Everton_babe]

Hi Lisa
Of course youre right to feel this way-Its happening to YOU. As Angie says, its sometimes when the partner/family hear formal diagnosis that they kick into action and support you. Lots of men, Im afraid, are beings who cant understand how we women react in this situation, We are worried about the more practical things, like whos going to help with children, cook, clean etc etc as well as the wholesome fear of the prognosis.
Men think that doing what you did for him after his injury is just 'what we do'. No big deal huh? But they are no so good at taking the reins when we need them to. So, lets hope you wont need to worry further, but if you do, just tell him very clearly what you expect from him. Youre emotions must be all over the place so take it easy and remember you work best as a team.
Best of luck
Cathie x

[angiepops]

hi lisa
i can only sympathise with you and tell you my experience, my partner of 20 years just kept saying oh you''ll be fine, its nothing, but when it was found to be something he really stepped up to the mark and started to look after me.
hopefully you will be fine, but if you find you need some treatment and it becomes real to him, maybe thats when you will see a different person.
good luck
angie x

[Guest user]

Hi everyone,
i don't know if I'm posting in the right place, I'm new here and not even got my referral to the breat clinic yet!
My reason for posting is that on Thursday (7th march) I was in a lot of pain with my breast and hubby took my to hospital since I couldn't get a drs appointment. The dr I saw found a lump during examination and told me that my GP will need to refer to a breast surgeon.
i am obviously worried but I feel that I can't talk to my partner, feel that he's not supportive. This in turn is making me feel angry as 13 months ago, he had an accident at work and broke 4 bones in his foot and dislocated the Lis franc joint in his foot too. I was there for him everyday during two stays in hospital, 3 lots of surgery, all his hospital appointments. I bathed him, I clothed him, I drove him around, got his medications, the list is endless! And all the while I cared for him, I was caring for our 5 children. Anyway, he started walking again just 6 weeks ago and has started a new job today.
these past few days, I have really needed to talk about options and what's going to happen at my appointments but if I mention anything he will just say "mmm" or just nod and continue with what he was doing. I understand that this is just as hard for him but I'm starting to resent him :'( I really don't want to because I love him so much and he's mad about me but... Oh great, now I'm crying! I just feel that I went through so much to be there for him and now I feel alone.
Am I right to feel this way?
sorry, I realise I've ranted. The tears won't stop now!!
lisa x