Hmmm
It has been 6 months since my op for BC and i have 5 siblings. Got cards and gifts and flowers and hossy visits from 4 as the 5th lives away but still sent card a few weeks after the op and purse card with lovely thoughts on it.
for the last 4 months I have been very upset at their lack of contact, out of the 5 of them I have had a visit from 1 of them twice (5 of us live fairly close together and all have cars) I have had a call from each of them to find out pathology post op and had no calls since. Apart from to thank me for thier kids bday gifts etc. It has been eating out my heart for months now so I finally took the bull by the horns and emailed them all yesterday, ran the email from me past my partner and my mum and dad who all thought it was fine and would not cause offence.
Yep you guessed it one of my siblings has come back today with a pretty crap response like it seems to be all my fault!!! Whoa, might go offline for a while as I dont thing I can handle another 4 like that!!!
Thanks for listenin to me , Carole xx
Hi Carole,
Your situation is hard. It is obvious to anyone with BC that it is the most important thing in their lives - how can it not be? Why friends and family don’t seem to get it is difficult to comprehend. We can make excuses for them but at the end of the day you know how you would have responded if it had happened to one of the other siblings. I think it is hard when people say they will do anything to help just tell them what you want (my boss at work said “the ball’s in your court - tell me what you want me to do”.) On top of handling the diagnosis and treatment the last thing I wanted was to be organising people to help me! If you don’t get the support you need from your family, and when you get a bad response as you have when trying to spell it out, you know you will always get support and understanding here on the forums. I would have been lost without it.
Best Regards
Misha
i have had the same, its my in laws though, bros have been great, but we lost our mum just three weeks pre dx. the in laws tho have been on the “well they caught it early you’ll be ok” track. MIL hasnt even hugged me or held my hand. It isnt catching for gods sake!
I read your threads with such interest … I was diagnosed last oct …had the mast …had the ops the treatment the recon the Tamoxifen .but no Chemo so to all those around me I couldnt have had it that bad … as so and so had to have loads of chemo no hair etc etc ,i am certainly not denying the fact that I have been incredibly lucky and there are loads of people so worse off than me especially on this site and would never say otherwise ,but Yes I was lucky ! to have caught it early ,but I still Bloody well got it !!! My OH treats me as if I have had a tooth out and my work colleagues think because I look the same hair make up nice clothes that I have forgotten I have ever had it cos I am so brave and look Fantastic … when basically I feel like C ****p…I never stop thinking about and while I dont want to spend the rest of my life harping on about or being fussed (I should be so lucky ) Just once I would like to be asked how I am doing .Someone from work said to me the other day how i have changed !!! my answer was when you are faced with a potentially life threatening disease its hard not to .I wonder what they would be like ?
I have been on this forum since day one and its knowing that there are people out there who can understand how you are feeling ,that has kept my spirit up …I am a strong positive person which has helped but Brave !!! not really just a good actress !!!
Thanx for letting me have my say feel better now …xxxxxxxxxxMaz
Carole, I’m sorry you are not getting the support you feel you need from your siblings. In an odd way, one of the benefits of this illness is you find out who your true friends and family are. I have received communications from relatives as remote as my deceased grandfather’s cousin in Cornwall, but heard nothing from my brother some 15 miles away from me. I have a good friend with progressive MS, and I would far rather have bc than her condition, but she worries about me and phones me if I haven’t been to see her for a while, even though communication is hard for her now. I am sure you have good friends who mean much more to you than your siblings. Family! I feel I have learned a valuable lesson about people through this condition, and it’s not one I am going to forget!
Take it easy, take what support you can get from elsewhere and just get on with your life regardless of your siblings attitude. Delete the emails if they are hurtful, or forward them to the rest of your friends and family so they can see what you are up against! But that’s just the badness in me!!
Hi Carole - it’s a hard one isn’t it. As Sue says we truly find out who are true friends are and also family.
I went out last night with my sister and niece. Niece is only 14 years younger than me and we have always been like sisters. At the beginning of this I wanted her with me as we were close. Since coming with me for my first 2 appointments that has been it. She doesn’t really enquire about me. She has a friend who was diagnosed 8 months before md with BC. She was saying last night than another friend asked her if she ever thinks that friend had had cancer (can’t say her name just in case) and my niece’s reaction was no she doesn’t think about it - it’s gone now. I was astounded. I said the amount of ladies on this site who have a problem with people saying and thinking - well, you’ve had cancer, chemo and radiotherapy and you’re okay now. I really get annoyed with this attitude. I really couldn’t believe what she came out with and upset by it. I don’t think I can bring myself to talk to her for a while.
This is the same niece who offered once the last week of rads to take me. She then phoned me up and said she couldn’t as she was going to the gym and wouldn’t have time as she would have to go home and have shower etc. My sis in law has hardly acknowledged what I have and am going through.
She is also a great believer in positive thinking (another thread on here). Told her about the report mentioned in the thread and if cancer wants to grow it will whatever attitude we have.
Sorry for going on.
Liz xx
Hi everyone
Thanks so much for being here for me. Just an update for you, the first response I got from one of my sisters was pretty damned awful and I am ashamed that I spat the venom sent to me right back at her, not adviseable to reply to her when I was down and also had a couple of glasses of red wine!!! However, she has then come back by email with more understanding and also text to say she loves me. So hopefully we can build on that.
Another sis, emailed a lovely response telling me all about what has been going on in her life which was wonderful to receive. another sis has called me and we are planning to meet in town soon. Bro is away on business and one sis has never responded at all.
I sent out the email to build bridges not tear them down and it looks like it will have an overall positive outcome. I hope so as I miss them all so much.
One of my daughters actually recently said to me Well you didnt die did you and your hair didnt fall out! She is almost 16, was sitting exams at the time and tho I was cut to the core at her words I did understand immediately that she has had problems in accepting what has happened to me, she does not acknowledge how unwell I have been and I know that is because if she had accepted it that would have been to scary for her. It was easier for her to ignore me, she went to live with her Dad and still does and I hardly see her but speak regularly on the phone. She didnt even visit or phone me in hospital. She still does not understand how I can have been so ill, one day she will realise and accept it and as her Mum I can only continue to show my love for her and hope that she does not have problems with too much guilt in the future. The past few days I am hearing my little girl again and hope that one day she will come back to me, if not to live with me but to be close to me again like she once was.
You can choose your friends but not your family!!! I have friends who I have let go of but could not bring myself to do that with my family. I am sorry to hear so many of you have similar upsetting experiences and I hope that you can find a solution to move things forward. Try to send out an olive branch if you can, you may be pleasantly surprised by the response.
Take care ladies, and thanks again, Carole xx
Carole - so pleased for you that you are in touch again with your brothers and sisters.
I didn’t realise your daughter was reacting like she is. I have 2 daughters and have been upset how they have dealt with me since diagnosis, surgery,chemo and rads. But I do realise that it’s their way of dealing with it - well I hope it is and that they aren’t just being horrible on purpose ! My eldest hasn’t been very nice for a few years but she was lovely these last few months and then a couple of weeks ago she turned against me again and we haven’t spoken since. She lives about 30 miles away and was coming home nearly every weekend, more for her driving lesson than seeing me. Driving lessons are finished now (we paid for them!) and she has gone back to being her old self. Other daughter is nice when she is getting her own way !
So glad though that you feel better.
Much love
Liz xx