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Anyone else close to the brink?

18 REPLIES 18

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Hi everyone

I just thought I would pop in to remind you all that the forums will be running right over the Christmas period and we will have our BCC hosting team here. So if you are feeling lonely or down then do log on and post.

If you want to talk to someone over the bank holiday then we would strongly recommend that you call the Samaritans - you don't have to be feeling suicidal, they are there to help anyone who is in emotional distress. As they say
‘Samaritans provides confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide.
Whatever you're going through, whether it's big or small, don't bottle it up. We are here for you if you're worried about something, feel upset or confused, or just want to talk to someone.’
Their phone number is 08457 90 90 90

Best wishes to you all

Ann

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

These last few months I have been writing down memories. Things I remembered from my childhood, pranks my siblings and I played on my parents, things that made me happy and things that made me cry. I don't want to forget about the past, I want my children to know what was important to me and why. As for now, I live from day to day, every day I get to spend in reasonable good health I cherish. I have had my difficult moments, wondering if I still be here next Christmas, but honestly...who can ever know that? Perfectly healthy women get accidents, brain heamorage, killed some way or other. So although I don't want to die and leave my kids, I have managed, thanks to you wonderful people, to start thinking about living, not dying. As for the future...I don't know what that will bring or how much of a future I have. But again, nobody knows that. Jane, what you say, the anger at having to leave, the sadness of wondering if 2009 will be my last year...I know those feelings so well and I wish I could express them to somebody. But if I did my Dad and sisters couldn't deal with it. As it is now I am the strong one, trying to keep everybody going on as normal as possible. Because we lost my Mum to cancer of the mouth and know what is coming it's really hard, but I want my children to remember good things, laughter, happiness...not just their Mum being ill. Guess I am rambling a bit, but I wish all of you a Christmas to remember and that we can all share our memories of this one next Xmas.

love Maroke

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

This time of year seems to stir so much in us. Memories, fears, wishes. All senses seem to have been heightened. Because of my secondary diagnosis I try to live for today, as I think we all do, but I guess our memories are what made us what we are now. My husbaband left me this summer for another woman after 27 years, and although since then I've done (if I say so myself) a remarkable job in rebuilding a new life, Christmas has brought all this progress crashing round my ears and I'm grieving for him all over again, along with my parents whom I have lost to cancer in the past 6 years. I am determined to enjoy this Christmas but I must say I will be glad when it is over and I can get back into some kind of (mind-numbing) routine.
Jackiexxx

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Jane, that line is so true. Yes, we have lovely memories, but today is us - here and now - let tomorrow take care of itself. Just for the record - I've always been a grumpy old woman at Christmas - and have revelled in totally ignoring it this year. Have only bought stuff for my daughters - not much, 'cos just out of hospital - and my lovely, new granddaughter. Who's gonna notice my card missing from their black bag full of false wishes in January? Noone, I bet! Enjoy or don't enjoy, whatever floats your boat! xxx Jackie xxx

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

"We care about tomorrow because we remember yesterday. Mental time travel is at the heart of what makes us human." Sam Woolston.

These poignant words were in a review of a TV programme in March about a boy who had no memory.

They made me reflect on the impossibility of living in the present. I never want to forget what makes me truly human.

Jane

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Hi
Yep, I'm struggling a bit too- went in to Mamas and Papas to get something for god daughter and they were playing this relaxing music but to me, I'm afraid, it was just really depressing. I almost couldn't stick it in there and mentioned to the assistant that the music was very sad if you had things going on in your life- did they change it? no!
The whole world seemed to be full of women pushing pushchairs and looking like zombies on valium. Sorry to be harsh, but apart from feeling sorry for myself (don't often do it) and worrying about scans in January, it just made me think of the many women who are in the same predicament as me but have to go through the motions for the sake of their kids.
I have been really good at living in the moment but I definitely seem to have hit a temporary blip and the world just doesn't make sense.
As Maureen says, we don't have to do things we don't want to and for the first time ever, I've not sent any cards and only just managed to get some pressies. Sent an email to loads and some responses have just been great- many people feeling 'flat' this year, what with one thing and another.
Still, I hope we can all have some lovely moments over the holiday, when we can briefly forget what hangs over us and just enjoy being here, now, with our families and friends, or even, just on our own.
Best wishes to you all
Anne xx

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Kiwi and Sparkler..yes this is how I try to live..it's taken me a long time but I feel I've got there.
I was diagnosed with both breast cancer and bone mets in my early 40's when my hip sponatneously fractured literally a few days before Christmas 2003.
I had my hip replaced that Christmas Eve and felt so frightened and in a dark place.
Since then I've celebrated every Christmas..not so much the commercial Christmas..we don't buy luxurious presents, but I do enjoy the tree, holly and red berries around the house, good food, pretty decorations and time with my family. This Christmas will be the first without my Mum, she died very suddenly in Spring so I know she will be on my mind throughout. But for some reason, I can't explain why, my being diagnosed at Christmas has made me enjoy every Christmas since..a milestone perhaps..still here, still alive..I honestly don't know.

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Kiwigirl

I have been doing a mindfulness course - and that is very much about bringing yourself back to the moment - whether it be with 3 minute breathing spaces, meditation practice, imagery. I am not saying it is easy, as I am only 2 weeks post secs/terminal diagnosis, BUT it is a great way to live cos we really can not do anything about the past or the future. Its gonna take a lot more practice for me to learn how to live like that tho.

I keep thinking I should be making the absolute most of this christmas in case its my last, but that aint that easy 2 weeks on from dx I had. I too have this hollowness and am just going through the motions - but hey ho - can only do what our bodies and mind tell us eh?

Goodness only knows what 2009 is going to bring - lots of horrible treatment I suspect. I know I sound a real ba humbug but would challenge anyone who has had my life the past 3 years to not be the same

Wishing you all the very best Kiwi - and all you other wonderful women out there

S
xxx

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

I thought it was just me feeling this, so relieved that others are in the same boat. I try to get into the mood, but its a nagging hollowness, guess its just that this has been such an awful year for me health wise and its the ever present thought of what is next year going to bring. Today I am trying to live by a quote I read from Buddah "Live in the moment, and not the past or the future". (probably quoted that wrong but it struck a chord with me).

kiwi

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

It is hard at christmas,and to deal with it we are doing nothing - really nothing except have a nice meal on christmas day - (but not that amazing) and exchanging presents between the three of us, and that it, We have sent a few presents but we are doing nothing with the extended family - oddly there have been no invitations for christmas day from relatives - guess the stress of my last christmas is too much for others as well. (ha) Hope everyone here can enjoy themselves with their immediate family and just make it another day without pressure,

love
cathy

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

HI All

I too am just going through the motions for the sake of my daughter - altho she is 15. I dont want to spoil her xmas in case its my last. Just been dx with mets 2 weeks ago!!

Happy bleedin xmas

S
xxx

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Hi, Julie

Sorry to read you're feeling as you are. Unless a person is religious, it's difficult to imagine what anyone actually gets out of Christmas! Yes, it's nice to see the children's faces, but when I was a young mum I always felt under so much pressure to buy just the right presents and somehow I always had the feeling I hadn't done as well as I should have. That was then. This is now, when young parents are under so much more pressure. It's you young mums and dads who I weep for.

Just think of Christmas as one more day to get through, just like any other. Come Friday, it'll all be over for another year, thank goodness. Try not to do anything you don't want to do, even if it means upsetting extended family. After all, we now have the perfect excuse not to do anything we don't want to do, and I for one use it without hesitation these days.

Hope you can make the next Liverpool meet.

Good luck to us all.
Maureen xx

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

I am OK this Christmas but the last two were a bit wobbly for me. I do spend time wondering if I will be here next Christmas but this year I am managing not to dwell on it. I think, for people in all walks of like, it can be a terribly sad time. This year, I am only doing the bits that I want to, like turning down invitations I am not interested in. Christmas really began for me last Friday at the school carol concert. I have always come over weepy at this so nothing new there... I am a bit traditional, so we only put the tree up yesterday. I hate all the garbage that can accompany Christmas - if you let it. So because I am doing it my way, I am enjoying it this year.

Best wishes to those who are finding it a struggle.

Jenny
x

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Hi Julie,

I am trying to look forward to Xmas for my kids' sake. I want it to be their best ever because it might be my last. I know how you feel though. For me it brings back all the grief of my Mum's death. She lived for Christmas, spent months preparing and planning. For our family it is the worst time of the year. I hate all hte rushing and false cheer in shops. Anyway, wish you all the best

Maroke

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

I know what you mean. I am being happy on the outside but there is a very sad me on the inside, and I know that I am not the only one in the family who has wondered whether I will still be here for Christmas 2009. This time last year I felt the same.

Deirdre

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Thanks Jane,

Difficult to bring up with people. Nobody really wants to listen and people tend to have their own issues at this time of year. Either that or they are engrossed with the commercialism.
For me, it is memories of Christmas past and thoughts of Christmas future, that do it!

Have always disliked New Year, but know what you mean about thoughts of it being the last.

Julie

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Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Hi Julie

I loathe Chrstimas...the tacky commercialism and false jollity. I think if I see another shop assistant in a dirty Santa hat I will rip the thing off their heads.

Fortunately I don't have to pretend I like it and do low key stuff with my partner...I like the food and the presents and the Eastenders Xmas special, but don't make a big deal of the season. It must be ghastly if you have to go through the motions.

I'm crying on the inside and the outside...the changing of the year from 2008 to 2009 is more poignant to me than the awful Christmas slush. I feel so precarious and scared that 2009 will be my last year.

I hope maybe you can find a way to tell at least one person who is close to you how you really feel.

Jane x

Re: Anyone else close to the brink?

Dear Julie

I am sorry to read that you are feeling like this, I am sure it will be a feeling shared by other people. Please call our helpliners for a confidential talk about how you are feeling, it may help to talk it through with someone. The number is 0808 800 6000 weekdays 9-5 and Sat 9-2.

Take care
Lucy

Anyone else close to the brink?

We all know that this season is emotionally very difficult. Is there anyone else out there that is just going through the motions and crying inside? I am not suicidal, but just am wondering if I can bear anymore of this charade?

Julie xxx