I am 39 and newly single and diagnosed in June - I am finding it very difficult to cope alone. Although friends are great its not quite the same support I was getting from my boyfriend. I hadn’t yet had children (I know I was leaving it abit late!) and now I am struggling with the realisation it may never happen. I can’t imagine meeting anyone after surgery…
Is anyone else in my situation and how are you coping?!!
Hiya, was diagonsed in January so a bit further down the line! Im 35 and was widowed 5 years ago and have no kids. Unfortuntaley due to some family history I have to have my ovaries out soon so hard to accept I wont have kids. My family and friends have been great but someone I actually like my own space and look forward to having a good cry on my own with no-one around to feel guilty about, being said I get upset as all my friends are in relationships and most have kids so feel a bit left out and sometimes I could really do with a big hug of somone close and it does get to me. Sometimes I panic that I’ll be alone forever as who would want someone with one boob, no hair, cant have kids etc. etc. (soz if that upsets you) and everyone keeps saying someone will but then I think its unfair of me to land someone with all my crap and fears of this thing coming back, but on the plus side, although I havent met anyone, my friends brother and me have had some drunken liaisons over the last few years and when I seen him after my surgery at a family christening he treated me no differently and said so what, its the person who’s imporatant not what they ahve or havent got, so there’s hope for us all.
Also on this site there was a thread a while ago where people talked about how after surgery etc. they have met people and there was a lot so maybe we wont be single for eternity. and as my nurse said to me, I need to look after me for the mo not worry about men (easier said than done eh!!).
Keep in touch
x
Hi
I am not quite in the same situation as you are but I am a single parent and literally weeks before I had bi-lat mastectomy and recon I met a man. I told him about my pending surgery and he said he would help in any way he could. He has been brilliant throughout.
Do not let the thought of surgery and your new body image affect your chance of a meaningful relationship.
I hope you find lots of help and support from others on here who are in a more similar situation to you.
Best wishes
Jackie x
Thanks guys, lisa you hit the nail on the head! Trying to get though one day at a time but when I think of the future I start to get very anxious. Finding this whole thing very lonely.
Glad to hear you met someone Jackie! Very pleased for you and gives me hope : )
Last few good days before last chemo so of out in a bit to make the most of it!
xx
Can I give another angle on this?
I have two great kids and partner of 25 years who are my life. However when I was diagnosed my first (and worst) scare was for my kids. My best friend and I both agreed how we would feel so much easier to cope with life’s tragedies if we didn’t have our kids to worry about. I mean that in the kindest sense…not from a selfish perspective. The idea of me not being here to get my daughter off for school when I was in hospital was hard enough to cope with (and she had her dad here) but even the thought I could actually not be around to see her into adulthood was crippling.
I know this isn’t exactly answering your question, but there are so many ifs and buts to all this.
There is someone for everyone out there, and one boob or two, you are still you. I know we will all live in fear of this coming back, but if I am honest, I lived in fear of breast cancer for years before I got it…my fear has always been there…I imagine it always will…but I can’t let it overtake my life.
I hope this helps a bit
xxx
Thanks for comments, I admire anyone who is keeping going looking after children during treatment, it must be very difficult. I struggle to look after myself some days and somedays simply can’t.
I know I am still me but society is fickle sometimes isn’t it. I do worry what I’ll look like after. I am however coping with hair loss well I think, after the initial fall out - that was by far the worst bit, so hope I will get through the mastectomy okay after the initial recovery/shock of it all. Just wish I had someone special to distract me and keep me going…
I agree, society is fickle, and I hope I didn’t make you think I was belittling your fears. I totally understand…I feel the same at times, wondering if OH will get fed up with escorting me to all these bloody appointments and decide to trade me in for a newer model!! Who knows what life holds for any of us.
Are you planning on reconstruction? I would consider it later on…but felt I couldn’t cope with it immediately.
Hi
I’m 24 and currently having chemo… I do have a great boyf but I do understand your fears… firstly at 24 its hard to know sometimes whether it will last and I’ll have to date and explain my scars and my history and the child thing has been a massive issue for me in the last few weeks.
For me because I was triple positive the panic for me is that if I got pregnant would the hormones bring back my cancer? Is it worth it? Or if I choose to adopt then would I regret never carrying my own child!
The way I am coping with it all is to go from one treatment to the next, one day to the next… if I think about my life in a few years time it really panics me because there are too many what ifs!
I’m sure you will find someone special… I’m sure there are men out there that will be bothered about what you’ve been through and won’t want to know but at the same time those are the men you really don’t want to be involved with!
All I can say is see how things pan out… you can never really know whats around the corner and I think everyone that goes through what we all have should have some good karma coming their way!
Erin x
Hi Marniecat,
I am 41,single and childless and was diagnosed last January with secondaries(now in lymphs,liver,lung and spine)I split up with my partner(of 14 years)last year.I,too would have liked children but it obviously wasn’t meant to be! I know I probably won’t meet anyone else,but you know what,I don’t think I really care!
Even though I’m going through this terrible thing,I’m having the best time I’ve had in years.I’ve got my family,wonderful,supportive friends and great new friends I’ve met through this site.So I don’t feel like I am alone.I enjoy having my own space and I choose if and when I want to go out.
I take every day as it comes and I don’t let trivial things bother me anymore.I am positive(I’m not afraid to use that word on here, despite what other people think).I have to be otherwise I would crack up.I’m not going to spent the rest of the time I’ve got left being depressed and miserable.I’ve already wasted enough of my time being like that over the years anyway!
I hope everything goes ok with your op.
Take care.
Alli x
i agree with one of the threads above about the fact that i think the whole process is less painful for me coz i don’t have a partner of esp kids to worry about leaving behind…i have met women who are so upset coz they can’t give their partner the kids they always dreamed of, and perhaps won’t be there for their children… i only have y small family and friends, and have no dependants…
howver having said that,you girls with partner and kids are having a better life than me, the life i want!!
i am kind of scared of meeting someone special and becoming happy coz if sth happens then it will break my heart that it will end premtuaturely…i know that is a stupid way to think but its kind of how i feel right now