During chemo my emotions were all over the place and I know lots of other people experienced the same thing.
Now I am in week 4 of rads, and I have had the right hump this week.
At work, anything that other people either say, do, or don’t do, reeeeally grind my gears. I feel like everyone except me is a lazy, incompetent f***wit! Also, I am reeeally sensitive, I almost had a fight with a colleague cos I took a neutral comment to heart and decided it was a slur on how well I do my job and am perceived by others. I can’t take criticism at the best of times!
I am also getting really wound up by well-meaning people expecting me to phone them up every day just to tell them that there is nothing to report re my radiotherapy other than my skin’s a bit tender and sometimes I get a bit tired. Sometimes I am just not thinking about my treatment and then someone has to go bring it up - I am not just a cancer patient I’m still ME and I still want to talk about the other aspects of my life. and I am still interested in what other people have got going on! I just want to be treated normally, but then I feel doubly bad because I know it is only because people love me and care about me that they want to know how I am - but if I say “I am fine” they then accuse me of lying to spare them the worry!! I can’t win!
Actually. the irritability I have been feeling this week could be linked to tiredness, I am sleeping much better at night now the chemo has worked its way out of my system but I still feel groggy in the morning, almost like a mini hangover!
I am sorry for the rant, I know there are a lot of people a lot worse off, and I have less than a month til my treatment is over but they often say the last mile of the marathon is the toughest!
Hi Clarabel
You are doing so well to even carry on work while you are going through this. You are not a cancer patient but a real person carrying on with your life. I am feeling very tearful this morning and haven’t even started chemo yet! Onwards and upwards and I’m sure a lot of all this tiredness. Keep going friend
Best wishes Jilly
If what I said about chemo and mood swings has made you uneasy in any way then I apologise. I keep assuming that anyone on the radiotherapy section of the forums has completed their chemo.
I have probably worked for half of the “normal working days” of this year nevertheless my performance is on par with my colleagues who have not had an illness and who have been in the office 5 days a week, in fact I am ahead of the person whom I deemed to be criticising me - and he owns the company!!
I guess that was why I was so defensive of my position.
I also get annoyed when people assume that I have “written this year off” because of my diagnosis and treatment - erm, NO actually - I am just doing things a bit differently but just because I have had to postpone my usual June beach hols and have felt a bit rubbish at certain stages of my treatment does not mean I will look back on 2008 as the bleakest year of my life, I have made sure I have had plenty of NICE thing to do DURING my treatment in addition to things to look forward to afterwards.
I hope all goes as well as can be expected with your chemo. I realise everyone is different and everyone reacts differently, however for me, chemo was not something I’d be in a rush to endure again but it was not as bad as I had expected.
Not your fault Clarabel, I know I shouldn’t look for posts from people that are well ahead of me. Just feeling bad today and noticed the mood swings theme! I am full of admiration for you. I was off work with depression before all this started and can’t see a way back in at the moment. Miss it so much. Be sure you haven’t made me feel uneasy in anyway at all and if you want a good shout I’m around
Best wishes Jilly xx
Hi Clarabel your post really made me laugh as i could relate to it very much - I am still on chemo and don’t need rads but my mood can change from good to bad and awkward in a minute - doesn’t change back as quick though. …I find myself disagreeing with people just to be controversial (actually I am a bit like that anyway to the point that i sometimes get on my own nerves)
This cancer thing does take a chunk out of your life and it does seem that people think it is all you want to talk about —WRONG. Most of the time you just want to get on with normal things, forget about your next blood test/round of chemo/rads listen to everyone elses gossip and enjoy yourself as best you can.
We are still entitled to a good rant though! Hope you feel less stressed today.
XX
what you said about disagreeing with people just to be controversial - that’s me all over when I get one of my moods. I told my mum it’s almost like having tourettes - I had this uncontrolable urge to say things that I knew would wind other people up so that I wasn’t the only one in the room with the hump! The most embarrassing example was when we were in a restaurant and this woman came in she was so morbidly obese and I started doing my Marjorie Dawes impression and I had had a few drinks and suspect that people at other tables may have noticed. (hangs head in shame)
In addition to wanting to talk about everything else, not just about my cancer treatment, it also winds me up when someone grumbles that they’ve been unwell and immediately tags on the end “although of course it’s nothing compared with what YOU are going through, sorry I should not even be complaining”
fed up with waiting again - still don’t have date for my radiotherpy start …
have got toothache and resulting medication (antibiotics and aniti-infamatorys)
like you am carrying on working - although I had to give in today as the pills for teeth made me tired - not to mention the pain made me tired
and as I write a mosquito has just bitten me on the foot!
think I may go to bed and start again - have to stay up until 12 to have my pills so have to eat something with them (more weight on???) don’t think so as can’t really chew!!! … might get constipation - how fab is that - apparently poor chewing and quick gulping may be a huge constipation factor - can’t face soup - too hot and don;t fancy cold soup
work is piling up and thats depressing me too … and once i start radio I may be too tired to do it … woe is me … sniff sniff…
as my grandma used to say “it will all be all right in the morning” …mmmmmmmmmmm … do you think so?
lots of love
I ws going to write “chin up” and typoed “shin up” … ready to kick someone …???
Hi - hopefully everyone is a bit less grumpy today though with the rubbish weather I doubt it!
FB sounds like you are really cheesed off …toothache, mosquito bites, not good!
And Clarabel your impression must have been pretty good to attract all that attention… tut tut…but am laughing!
I think its because we have been having treatment for a while, just want to get on with our normal lives and people just keep reminding us that we are ill.
Anyway I was going to go for a walk but it has now started raining so that puts paid to that!
Back into grumpy mode…
not laughing but you all can’t walk over there as it is too wet and i can;t over hear as it is too hot (not to mention the back back!!!)
you are right holly - i am really cheesed off - toothache was the last straw - I am falling apart - all this resting and a bit of weight gain has made my back awful and the heat has made a bad situation worse - then there’s the toothache
part of me wants to get the radiotherapy over with and the other part is very worried about microwaving me in this heat - I am going to be boiling boiling hot
if they delay I will miss my trip
ironicaly the thing that wil help my back most is losing weight - whihc i don;t think I can do yet
just hacked off generally and in quite a bit of pain
having said that it will pass - usually does - especially after a moan
and it’s only 6 more weeks !!! thanks goodness
thanks for listening
love FB xx
I got the toothache twice (once on each side) and have had to have root canal as a result - I bawled in front of my (lovely) dentist as I am sick of being manhandled all over the shop.
I have to admit, rads in the humid weather can be a tad uncomfy but I can recommend cotton clothes and the aqueous cream does help - you could try keeping it in the fridge. The process of radiotherapy is a walk in the park after you’ve had chemo but it is boring having to trek to the hospital every day. I make sure I have something nice to come home to afterwards like something good to read/watch on tv.
Keep looking forward to your trip - I go away 5 weeks on saturday and it cannot come soon enough!
