For Lambkin Thanks for your kind message, I know i should think positive of the future but sometimes it is difficult. I know there are lots of you out there with problems worse than mine,but sometimes and inch of problems seems like 10ft. Good to know you are all there for me.
Just wanted to say I found rads a bit tough. The onc had said that it would be a "doddle" compared to chemo. But I found that I was very tearful throughout rads.I also seemed to be in a "bit of a fog" throughout.
I felt that it would never come to an end.
But just a few weeks later I am starting to feel a bit more like I used to..
I am certain that this will happen for you too.
But in the meantime you keep on going- we are all there for you.
Thanks for the hugs Hi Sarah
Thanks for your kind message. I just cannot seem to stop beating myself up, blaming myself for the cancer and breakdown of my marriage. Some days i just do not see any future for myself, just a long dark empty tunnel, its difficult to get out of bed to get to the hospital for my rads. I know i must go, i have after all been given a second chance to survive. Sometimes i just wonder what its all about.
Am due to see Onc psychologist on Friday because i have become so depressed feel so lonely. Maybe he can sort my head out, I know there are people on this site that are worse off than me and i keep trying to tell myself that, but i seem to fail somewhere along the line.
Anyway enough of that miserable talk first thing in the morning, had a good day yesterday (few negative thoughts tapped me on the shoulder) hopefully today the gremlins will stay away. Off to rads now, another hard day at the office.........
Once again thanks for your hugs and kind thoughts.
Have a good day
Tired but happy Hi Julie,
Had a pretty good day, took the boys and dog out for a long walk in the countryside. It was very cold but we had a good time.
I am now at home absolutely worn out i can hardly keep my eyes open.
Must though because my favorite programme is back on.......desperate housewife's (how sad is that) will probably have to tape it.
Had my 5th rad session today and i think that is now getting to me....only 20 more to go.....and counting..
Hugs for Elaine Hi Elaine
Just been reading your thread.... hope you have had a good day today with your friends boys.
I had a bit of a blub myself the other day - I keep a journal & find that helps me to 'pour out' a bit. Also use the peer suport that BCC provide and that has really helped to talk to someone who has already been through a similar experience.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to make the the very start of the new year a fresh start - you still have treatment to get through and then you have to give yourself time to get over what you have been through!
Sending lots of hugs and love to you,
Better Day? Hi Elaine
How has today been? Looking after two boys will certainly keep you occupied and 'normal'. I have 3 boys and me & hubby decided not to tell them until after my lumpectomy, they know I have a lump and am having it removed but we thought we'd tell them after it was over (rightly or wrongly, it's worked for us). By doing that they have all behaved normally and that has made me be normal.
Hope you have felt better today. There should be a Live Chat tomorrow night and hopefully I'll be there, I'll need all the support/hugs tomorrow night as it's the day before op!!!
Love & a big mirror hug (go on, you know you want to lol)
For Julie Hi Julie,
Well got through yesterday, am still here. Mirror hug this morning at 6.30am (tee hee) Feel a little better today, just off to get my rads done.
I am attending the Leicester Royal Infirmary its about 12miles from where i live.(Which is between Coventry and Leicester) Looking after my friends two boys today while she works, that should keep me busy, cannot show emotions in-front of them so hopefully will keep happy during the day.
Have a great day and hope to speak soon
Mirror hugs etc
Love elaine xxx
Positive Steps Hi Elaine
Sooooooo glad you've taken some positive steps. There is nothing wrong in admitting you're finding it hard and need some help, we all need extra help at times. Glad the mirror hugs are making you smile, you feel a bit of a prat doing it, but it works - always brings a smile (sometimes even a teary one!). I think this 'thing' makes us a bit more sensitive than usual and things seem to affect us more, my son (aged 9) told me today that he thought I was pretty and I nearly blubbed, then he ruined it all by saying he wished I were younger - kids eh?
You didn't say which area you were in, I'm having my lumpectomy on Friday at The Royal Bolton Hospital. Still feeling ok but that might change as the day gets nearer, but I'm sure I'll cope - hope they have some big mirrors in that hospital, I'll need lots of hugs.
Keep me posted and keep smiling.
Love and the BIGGEST hugs.
Better after a cry or two Hi Julie and everyone else,
Thanks for your support and hugs it is much appreciated.
Went for rads early this morning then called into my local BC centre felt i needed to off load. Julie the lady i saw was so supportive and understanding. I have been lying to myself and others that i am coping when in fact i am not. Before Christmas i lost the plot completely and just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, everything has become too much for me to handle (hubby dumped me three days after diagnoses) promised myself new year would be better but unfortunately as much as i told myself it would be it somehow has not worked out that way. Julie managed to get me into see a counsellor this evening and i have just got back, it was good to get all my feelings out and have a good cry, i now feel emotionally drained. Am now due to see Onc psychologist on Friday, hopefully he will sort my head out. It was good to admit that i do need help and hopefully this will be the first step to getting better mentally and physically.
Tears are all dried up now and just about to give myself a mirror hug Julie, i will think of you and smile.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Love and mirror hugs to everyone and thanks again for being there.
Elaine don't feel bad or guilty whatever your thoughts- it doesn't matter. What does matter is getting through your awful patch and coming out the other end.
Your family are probably very happy to be able to support you just as you would be/have been to support them.
Cross off the days [ or if necessary the hours] until you finish treatment and can become yourself again!
Best wishes for the NY, happier days/better nights, when you've survived your marathon- the big achievement, dilly
Hate the word "positive" Hi Elaine
We are allowed to feel negative - BC does that to us. My friends all know that they will get a smack in the mouth if they ever use the word positive around me.
BC has turned me into a completely different person. I used to be so confident and outgoing - I could take on the world. Now I just want to sit and cry all the time. I know I should pull myself together and sometimes I do have good days like today. I have had the day off work and been out playing golf which was nice but I do get so tired.
I can emphasise with the night sweats. Some nights they are so bad I can't sleep. This is just from three sessions of chemo, I haven't started Tamoxifen yet. Not had any nightmares yet - I shall look forward to that.
I wouldn't worry about your negative and sad thoughts althought it is better to be happier but our time will come. We will just have to look forward to the summer when treatment and side effects are out of our system.
Hugs to you and yours
Dear Elaine You may find it helpful to know about the following organisations who are there to offer help and support .
Samaritans provides confidential emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress. They are there for you if you're worried about something, feel upset or confused, or you just want to talk to someone, telephone 0845 790 9090 email address: http://www.samaritans.org.uk/
Mamillan Cancer Support offer emotional and practical support and you can contact them on Freephone 0808 808 2020 Monday to Friday 9am to 10pm or via this link: www.macmillan.org.uk.
You are also welcome to contact us via our helpline on 0808 800 6000 Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm Saturday, 9am - 2pm or our 'Ask the Nurse' service via the following link:
Hope this information is helpful to you
Onwards and Upwards Hi Elaine
Sorry you're not doing so good, wish I could give you a great big hug (what area do you live in). Glad you did the 'mirror' thing, a bit silly but it does make you smile and even if it's only for a second it still makes a difference. I'm going to take my xmas decs down today (gives me something to do) and hopefully things will get back to normal, whatever that is! My husband and 3 sons have been absolutely fab, but you can still be surrounded by people and feel lonely, no-one can really understand unless they are going through it themselves. That's what we're here for, I always look out for your posts now and will send you big hugs whenever you need them. You're not on your own, we are all here when you want to share news either good or bad or if you just feel like a moan, whatever you feel just go with it no two days are ever the same, I've realised that. As you know New Year's Eve/Day were not good for me, but today I'm ok, still apprehensive about the op but see it as a step towards getting better.
My mum told me a lovely story about a rainbow (if you look through my posts you'll find it) and with all this rain we should see some.
Try and stay positive and give yourself some mirror hugs (they're from me).
Back to treatment Hi Everyone
Feeling a bit down today, christmas over (thank goodness, did not have a good one) back to the hospital after a break for my rads. 30 more days to go. I thought new year new start, but i still feel miserable, the night sweats and nightmares just wont go away. Feel sad and lonely all the time. I know i should concentate on getting well again but i just keep having negative thoughts all the time. Cannot seem to get my act together. My family are very supportive but i just feel like i am putting on everybody. Sorry to be so miserable so early in the morning, i just want to get back to feeling normal with this ever happen?
Just wanted to say happy new year to everyone and thanks for being there. As the song says THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER!!!! just wish i could believe it.