Been so stupid, now am terrified

[Chrissy53]

Thank you Dmcf, I really appreciate your kind words.  Hopefully youre right and next time will be a bit more manageable.

Chrissy x

[Dmcf]

Sorry just realised I was on page 2 of 3. Glad to hear you are all clear.....that's brill and now you know what to expect your next one will be a cake walk. Take care x x

[Dmcf]

Just reading back through and wondered how you were getting on x

[Chrissy53]

Thank you Jenji xxx

[Jenji]

Hi Chrissy

I have been following your progress and I am so pleased to hear your good news...I am sure that old adrenalin will keep you pretty agitated for a while so don't be surprised if you get the slump in a day or two.  You have been very brave because I know what my mind can do to me and to live through all of that anxiety must have been awful for you.  I have found ways of dealing with mine now most of the time-perhaps you will too after this experience.

Look after yourself and never feel you are being stupid over any breast thing however you deal with it.

Big hug

JenjiX

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy,

I'm thrilled for you! Yes, you got yourself so screwed up about the whole thing, I guess it'll take a while to get back to normal. But, at least you know you can.

Best of luck for the future. Much love, Mel xxx

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,

Well its been a very stressful couple of days.  I couldnt wait any longer so phoned them yesterday and the girl told me there was nothing on the screen but the results would be in by 3.30 so to phone back then.  I phoned back and spoke to a man who said well there is something on the screen but Im not allowed to tell you what it says and your pictures are being looked at by the second reader.  He then told me to phone back this morning.  After a sleepless night I phoned this morning and he said it was all clear and I would be called again in 3 years.  The poor bloke must have thought I was mad because I asked him if he was sure and he said yes and then I got him to read out my address to double check and then thanked him profusely.  Obviously I am over the moon and the relief has been overwhelming.  Its weird though because I thought that if I got the all clear I would just sleep and sleep from exhaustion and the stress Ive been under but the oppopsite has happened and I feel so agitated and restless, I guess I got myself into such a state over the last few weeks that now I need to come back down to reality.  I certainly am one lucky lady and I realise just how lucky I am after reading posts on this forum. 

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy,

Any news yet?

xxx

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy

I didn't know it was the norm to get your results by post after a routine mammogram. I know it's really difficult but try not to think the worst, especially as you don't have any notable signs. I know you're associating everything at the mo with BC because your mind is playing games with you. But try and remember that your anxiety is causing these things rather than any cancer.

I'm sure you're going to be ok. xx

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,

I know, its stupid telling people not to worry, dont think they realise what its actually like.

As far as getting my results by post, that is normal for routine mammograms.  I think Ive confused things by getting myself in such a state when I havent even been referred to breast clinic yet.  Im the one who has convinced myself that something will show up and I still truly believe that it will.  Ive definitely been wishing that I hadnt had it done as its made me worry even more than I thought it would. 

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Oh, I didn't realise you were finding out by post! That is quite unusual, as they normally get you back... I'd take that as a positive!!

He didn't really say much, only not to worry (but he said that before), but as you're well aware, it's hard not to!

I will just have to wait and see... I'll focus on work etc. to keep my mind busy.

Make sure you update on here as soon as you get your results. I have positive vibes going your way. And I reckon you're going to be ok...

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,

Im so sorry that you had to have the biopsies taken and now have to wait for results.  Were they able to give you any indea at all of what they thought?   Please send me a message if you want to chat.

I dont have an appointment, was just told that I would receive a letter with the results within 2 weeks and that is up on Friday so every day is hell waiting for the postman to come.

Take care Mel

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy,

hope you're keeping it together so far... not long to wait now, so try and keep calm as the appointment gets closer.

I went back today... I was expecting the consultant to send me for an ultrasound, them tell me it was just fluid and for it to be drained or something. Unfortunately, he didn't do that. He took three core biopsies from the site, so now I'm a bit more concerned. I have to wait until 21st for the results, so back on that awful rocking horse!! C'est la vie...

Wishing you love and hugs, Mel. xx

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,  Im sorry that youre having problems and that you dont have anyone to go with you tomorrow.  I will be thinking of you, please let me know how you get on.

Still waiting for results

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy,

Just thinking about you. Hope you're ok. Not long to wait now...

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I have swelling and pain below the mastectomy scar. I'm starting to get nervous, especially as I have to go on my own... I just hope it's fluid and nothing on the bones...

Take care, love Mel. xxx

[MelMc68]

Hi Shar,

I have to say I don't know anything about Phyllodes tumours, but I do know that most are benign. If he pathology backs that up, then I think you're home and dry! Probably best to get it removed though. If I were you I'd want it out! Best of luck Hun and keep us posted. xx

[Sharbansh]

Hello mel
I went back today and after breast nurse told me it was a fibroadanoma they think it could be phylodes tumour,pathologist report says be benign but cellular ,on asking consultant he said slight changes,he is going to do a lumpectomy ! Shar!

[MelMc68]

Oh, Chrissy. I wish I could be there to try and reassure you.

I know the waiting is the worst part, because I've been through it. I too am someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, so I really do understand. The last big panic attack I had landed me in hospital, so trust me, I'm there with you on this.

I wish there was something I could write on here to help, but I don't know what else I can add. I can only say that most breast changes are perfectly normal. This site is great for support, but bear in mind that most people who offer support on here have had bad news. But for everyone of us, there are thousands who've had good news, but they leave the site when they no longer need the support.

I swear to you that once you know what you're dealing with, it gets much easier, even if it is cancer! That may sound odd, but it is absolutely true. Knowing is so much better than not knowing. You will get through this.

Chrissy, if you want to talk, feel free to message me and I'll give you my number. No pressure at all, but the offer is there if you want to take it up.

Lots of love, Mel xx

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,

Its good to hear from you, Im having my worst day yet.  Im in such a state waiting for the results, I knew it was going to be hard but its actually making me ill.  My anxiety is so bad that Im starting to have panic attacks, Ive been in bed this afternoon because I was so tired after another night of no sleep.  Ive also been getting some pain in my left breast the last couple of days so thats making me panic even more.  I just know its going to be bad news and Im the last person who would be able to deal with that.  I spoke to someone today who I havent been in touch with for ages and she said that she would never have a mammogram, thought I was the only one who had been stupid and avoided them up til now.  I just dont know how Im going to get through the rest of the wait and, if its a call back, well I just dont know

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy,

I was just thinking about you. I hope you're coping with the wait. I swear to you, the waiting is the worst bit. Whatever happens next, I promise, once you know what you're dealing with, it's a relief just knowing. Even if the news isn't the best, knowing gives you back some sense of control.

Hope you're ok. Love Mel. xx

[MelMc68]

No, you're not being a nightmare. You're being perfectly normally scared and frightened. Just try to keep everything together, but slowly. xxx

[Chrissy53]

Thanks Mel, Im being a nightmare I know

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hey Chrissy,

Yes, you will be tender after a mammogram. Your veins may well be standing proud after being squashed like a burger! Please don't read too much into this; it's perfectly normal for these things after a mammo. Stay calm. Stay focused. One day at a time.

Love, Mel xxx

[Chrissy53]

Would you believe it looks like I already have a problem.  Ive just got out of the shower and while I was drying myself I looked in the mirror.  I have prominent veins in both breasts, Im sure they werent there before, now wondering if its something to do with the mammogram as they have been a bit tender since I had it done.

[betty67]

Well done Chrissy I knew you could it. Hopefully won't be to long till you get your letter but it sure is the wairing that's the worse, everything goes through your mind. Just hope I can manage the hospital Tuesday, my hubby says I'm going even if he has to drag me there but the breast care nurses know how hospital phobic I am x

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy,

I'm just so glad that you've got through today. I've been thinking about you!

Yes, it's easy for them to tell you to go away and forget about it! I think that sometimes, because they do this day in, day out, they forget that each and every patient is going through a torrid time. For them, it's business as usual.

All you can do now is get through each day, as I said before, one day at a time. Do whatever you need to, to help you cope. The waiting is absolutely the hardest part. It feels like a life sentence!

Chrissy, take a great deal of pride in the fact that you've got through today. See, you did it!! And you will get through the next bit, I know it.

It's amazing how people find strength and courage where they think there is none.

Keep up the strength! And if you can't, talk to someone. I really want to celebrate with you when you get good news. And if that isn't the case, I want to cry with you. xxx

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,

Well I managed it (just about), I was in a bit of a state.  She took the first picture and looked at the screen, dont know if it was my imagination but I thought she looked at it for a while.  She didnt seem to spend so long looking at the 3 other pictures she took.  It was quite painful, hope thats not a bad sign, the side views were the worst.

She said the results will take about 2 weeks and to 'go away and forget about it'.  Who's she trying to kid, theres no chance of that happening.  One thing I did think though (and I will overthink everything now) is that they tell you that if you get a recall it might be just that the images arent clear but if they check them on the screen when they take them how could that be a reason.

2 weeks of this to get through now    I really appreciate your post Mel, means a lot.

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hi Chrissy, just wondering how you are. Hoping you've coped today. Love Mel xx

[MelMc68]

Aww, thanks! Truly, I'm not that brave or strong or anything else. I'm just a victim who was lucky enough to come through it all relatively unscathed. Ok, I lost a boob, but I have my life. 😊

I used to be on here a lot more often trying to offer support where I could, but my dad is terminally I'll now, so I'm also caring for him as much as I possibly can. I don't get the time on here that I used to get.

But, I vowed that I would keep supporting when and where possible, as I got such huge support from this site. And I intend to keep that promise; just that it's a bit hit and miss lately.

Take care, love Mel xx

[Sharbansh]

Thanks mel,I am staying on this forum,like yourself as if I can talk to people like you are doing or help I would like to do so,you are one brave and lovely lady xx

[MelMc68]

Hi Shar,

If it's any consolation, I had a fibroadenoma removed about five years ago as it was showing signs of change. I'd had it for about two years before they took it out, but it grew and changed, so they removed it. I have since had no issues with that breast. I got my cancer in the other one! Ironic really! I've had 2 lumps removed from my right - no cancer... Then I. Get cancer in the left one. And a few weeks ago I had skin cancer removed!

Life's a mare sometimes!

Still, for you, having the lump removed should be very straightforward. I'd be a happy bunny if I were you 😄

Take care, love Mel. xx

[Sharbansh]

Thankyou for your reply,I am relieved,breast nurse called me yesterday to say I had to see consultant just to discuss having the lump removed,apparently I am quite old at 52 to have one of these fibroadanoma it's something to do with estrogen in the hormones xxx

[MelMc68]

Hi again,

Chrissy, just wishing you all the best for the mammogram. You will find the strength to cope.

Sharon, congrats on your great result! You must be soooo relieved!

All, you'll be amazed at how strong you can be when you really need to. And you'll always get great support from these forums.

Chrissy, just take each day, one-at-a-time. Focus on getting through today, then reward yourself for having done that. Then do the same the next day etc. I found doing puzzles and quizzes helped me loads because you do have to focus your mind. Perhaps give it a try?

Love and massive hugs all, and Chrissy, I can't wait it hear from you when you've got through the first big step. Love Mel xxx

[betty67]

Chrissy just wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow x

[Chrissy53]

Thank you for your reply.  Im so happy that you got such a good result, you must be so relieved.  I dont knit or sew but usually read a lot but cant even concentrate on that at the moment.  My mind seems to be totally preoccupied with this and I find it hard to think about anything else.

Chrissy x

[Sharbansh]

Hello ,I was in the exact situation,anxiety attacks etc beside myself,I got my results and after convincing myself I had breast cancer mine is fibroadanoma,such a relief,it's horrid what our minds do when waiting,try and focus on something do you sew or knit ?i found knitting helped me get my mind off the waiting?hope you get on okay ,the people on here are fantastic xx

[Chrissy53]

hi Mel,

Thank you so much for your reply.  You sound like a very strong lady coping as you have over the last year.  Thats the thing, Im in awe of the people who post on here, how they cope and still support others.

I suppose I will get through it somehow but its going to be intolerable until I get the results.  Anxiety is spiralling out of control but somehow I need to get a grip on it.

Thank you again

Chrissy x

[MelMc68]

Hi ladies,

I've just been reading through this thread, and I have to say, it brings it all back to me. I too was incredibly anxious and depressed. I have suffered with anxiety and depression on and off for many years. My mum committed suicide when I was 23 and had a nine-month-old baby. So that's 23 years of anxiety, stress depression etc!

Anyhow, I can say with all honesty that the waiting is most definitely the hardest part; waiting for tests, biopsies, scans etc. and then having to wait for the results. It is torturous to say the least. Get through it in what ever way you can. Talk to whoever you feel comfortable with, talk to the helpline, talk to your doctor, take stress relieving meds if you need them!

The one thing I can promise you wholeheartedly is that, whatever the outcome, you WILL cope with it. Simply because you have to. Even if you get bad news, you will find the strength.

One year ago tomorrow, I was told I had breast cancer. My world came crashing down... For about 5 minutes! I then got practical and started planning how to best deal with things like telling family and friends etc. I have 3 kids, the youngest was only 10 at the time.

Here I am, a year later, writing this post. Things aren't perfect, but they're 'normal'; just a new kind of normal. I'm now experiencing pain and swelling in the area below my mastectomy scar, but I'm trying not to worry. I have my 12 month mammo in a few weeks, so will get it checked out then.

Can I just say, we are all brave in our own way. We do cope in our own way. And Chrissy, you WILL get through this, quite simply because you must. The strength and courage will be there when you most need it.

Love to you all, Mel xx

[Sharbansh]

Thanks chrissy,I am same as you not much sleep no appetite,it's the waiting that's the worse big hugs xx

[Chrissy53]

hi Sharon, Thank you so much for your reply.  Mammogram is this Friday, terrified isn't the word.  The thing is, even after going through the mammogram the worst part is still to come really - waiting for the results.  Am surviving on very little sleep.  Good luck with your results on Thursday, hope everything turns out to be ok.

Chrissy x

[Sharbansh]

Hello there
I know exactly how you are feeling,you and I are re exactly the same I suffer with depression anxiety,and I also had the courage to go for mammogram,it is not as bad as you think,I have had biopsies too and find out this Thursday ,my gp is helping me get through this,I just cannot face anyone at the moment or go out its a horrible feeling hope you go on ok?chin up Sharon xxx

[Jenji]

Hi Chrissy

Been away for a couple of days but good to know you are still using this site...

I am really glad to hear that you were able to talk about it with your GP a little...as you say she knows you and should understand how this piles on the anxiety that is already there.

As others have said we can only deal with this in our own way and that is right for each of us.  I made alot of use of the phone line, before and after diagnosis and treatment and at other times since when it felt that no-one understood.  That is what it is there for.

Be sure that there are lots of us out here feeling and hoping for the best you.

Gentle hug

Jenjix

[Chrissy53]

Thank you Jo, I may do that, I thought the helpline was only for people who had already been diagnosed.

And thank you poemsgalore for your kind words.

Chrissy

[poemsgalore]

Hello Chrissy,

You say you don't have courage! Well you do have courage, or you wouldn't be posting and asking for help. I know how scary it is, but thankfully I don't have your anxiety and worries. But courage can be shown in many different ways. Yours is dealing with those anxieties and fears in your own way, and not totally ignoring them. I do hope that you can find your way forward and have whatever tests are necessary. You might go along, have the mammogram and be told you are fine and there is no sign of anything wrong. Then you can take a deep breath and carry on with your life. It happens. But because this has gone on so long, it has built up into an insurmountable wall you feel blocked in by. I know I'm probably not helping much, but I do so want you to be able to put this behind you and not have these worries, not only for your own sake but for the sake of your family. I'm sending you the ((((BIGGEST HUGS)))) I can muster to encourage you to take this one step forward.

poemsgalore xx

[Jo_BCC]

Hi Chrissy53

Have you tried having a chat with our helpline staff yet?  They're here to support you both emotionally and practically through this.  Please do give them a ring.  Calls are free 0808 800 6000 lines open weekdays 9-5 and Saturdays 10-2.

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

[Chrissy53]

So here I am, still panicking, still driving myself mad.  My anxiety and depression (which I have suffered with for years) are virtually uncontrollable now.  I have been thinking about various other symptoms I have had over the last few months like a painful elbow and some back pain and have convinced myself that these symptoms are because the cancer has spread to the bones and other organs.  I still have various aches and pains in the breasts as well but am too terrified to examine my breasts.  I dont know how I got like this, how Ive allowed things to go so far.

I went to see the gp last week about coming off my acid reflux medication and while I was there I told her that I was going for my first ever mammogram.  She looked at the computer screen, obviously thinking 'why is this your first one at your age?'  I said 'please dont have a go at me' but she smiled because she knows about my health anxiety.  She said its better to find these things early but it might not be early, I could have had it for years due to my own stupidity.  She said if it was that far advanced then you would know about it.  I reminded her that I had been unwell for a long time now and she said that was because of my anxiety.  She said that all the blood tests I'd had done at the beginning of the year would have shown something if it had advanced cancer.

I think my family are getting fed up with me going on about it but I cant help it, it has taken over my life.  I dont know how you deal with the worst case scenario, I dont know how you tell your family that you have cancer, I dont know how you deal with waiting for ongoing test results and how you cope if you are told that its too late to do anything.

I have read many threads on this forum and I am totally overawed by the courage of people on here.  I know that I dont possess that courage and I already feel like my world has collapsed.

Chrissy

[Chrissy53]

No I havent spoken to the gp about it, anxiety again.  I had thought that maybe I could ask to have mammogram earlier if there were any cancellations or something but to be honest Im not sure I want it to come any quicker.  My daughter has said that she will come with me.  Everything is such a mess

Chrissy

[Jenji]

Hi Chrissy

It is always good to go to these appointments with someone else if you possibly can.  Everyone has different symptoms and no-one can tell you anything until you get there.  Perhaps you haven't talked it over with your GP and, if you have a good one, they may be able to help you through the next few weeks while you wait.  More than that they may be able to get things speeded up so you don't have to wait so long.  I am presuming that you haven't talked to your GP about it perhaps because you were too scared but it is a good first port of call.

Take care

Jenjix

[Chrissy53]

Thanks for your message Jenji, Im just so scared.  Pain in the breasts seems worse recently but I dont know if its because Im focusing so much on them since getting the letter for the mammogram.  I really dont know how Im going to get to the appointment let alone deal with the outcome.

Chrissy