Body image, sexuality and keeping OH happy

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Hi Ladies,

A delicate subject I know but having read the many threads on subjects of nipples, farting etc I am sure you wont be too offended :slight_smile:

I had my skin sparing mx and LD recon 3 weeks ago. Nipple went in the bin with the breast tissue but rest of breast is my skin. Sex is important in my relationship, to me but more so to my OH. We had lots of sex prior to my op and no probs other than the one time I broke down in the middle of it with the sudden realisation that I would look different lying on my back after the op. My OH has been understanding but I know he would like me to think about re-starting our sexual relationship.

Thing is whilst I still fancy him and have had ā€œstirringsā€ (blush) :-

  1. I am still not able to be physically comfortable in many positions and am still not fully healed scar wise from surgery (bit oozy).
  2. I have been told by lots of people since my op how fantastic/beautiful my new boob is (never told it before but then never showed it off to complete strangers before) and whilst I am getting to kinda like it I certainly canā€™t imagine anyone fondling it and it doing anything for me, let alone massaging it!
  3. I just canā€™t imagine feeling confident naked and sexually in front of and with my OH until I am properly healed and possibly with a nipple and surgery done on the other one to match

The question is how do/did you other ladies manage? My OH has hinted that whilst I may not feel like sex (which he doesnā€™t get - I do!) I could ā€œkeep him happyā€ (blush again!) and whilst thats true I find myself thinking:-

  1. Thatā€™s not fair cos I might get aroused keeping you happy and would then end up frustrated/tearful etc
  2. You are going to have to ā€œsort yourself outā€ until I can sort my head out.

Am I being selfish? When will I feel sexy again? Any tips? Should I ā€œsort him outā€ (double blush!!!)?

Thanks for listening, sorry if Iā€™ve embarressed you (cos I am definitely blushing whilst I type), hope you will be able to help,

Ostrich, xx

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Hi Ostrich

I know what you mean.
I had the exact same thoughts.
I had my mastectomy in jan 07 and my OH was very very understanding for a while.
Then it was a case of trying different positions to know which feels best.

I am still not confident enough to wear nothing (my nipple went in the bin too) so I either keep my bra on or a vest top.

I donā€™t think we are selfish as we have alot to deal with mentally, and I suppose sex isnā€™t always top priority.

I do hope you can work things out.

Take care

Angie
xxxxxxxxxxx

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Hi Ostrich
I am so glad that you felt able to post on this subject as it is an important part of lives and surgery does affect our sexuality and how we feel about our bodies.
My OH has been just amazing throughout this whole horrid ordeal. I had a mastectomy last December and reconstructive surgery in July so I had 7 months of having only one breast and hated every single minute of it.
I have to say that once I accepted that my OH still loved me and was still aroused by my body, then I felt more relaxed and we continued to have a very fulfilling sex life. Now that Iā€™ve had my surgery (DIEP flap) and now have 2 pert boobs (albeit minus one nipple!) I feel like a woman again and my OH loves my new boob. I am more than happy for him to touch it and kiss it etc as it is part of me!
I would tell your OH exactly how you feel and assure him that you do still want him. Try to get him to understand how utterly devastating it is for a woman to lose her breast and how that affects our confidence and sexuality.
We found positions where I was comfortable both post mastectomy and reconstruction and yes, I too broke down in tears during sex but he just held me and told me he loved me on those occasions.
Can you try keeping a vest top on or subdued lighting/candles to begin with and see how you feel then? Or try ā€˜sorting him outā€™ and if you get aroused then tell him and see where it leads.
I can only say that thanks to my OH being so understanding and loving I do feel sexy and attractive again and Iā€™m so glad we kept our sex life alive. I wasnā€™t going to let this vile disease rob me of that!
I wish you all the very best -thanks for being so honest and donā€™t worry-many of us have been there-donā€™t give up!
Love Gill x

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Hi Ostrich. I am glad you felt that you could raise this subject. It is such an important part of recovery and loosing a boob is changing our whole body image .

I am lucky in that my OH had already seen my reconstructed breast (without nipple recon) - Iā€™ve met him and married after my first brush with CA. So he never really had a woman with two (own) breasts. So when I had to have a mastectomy following recurrence, he was mentally prepared - although it took me a bit longer. But as sex has been so very important to both of us, I wanted to start again asap, just to feel wanted and sexually loved and of course to see whether I still felt good to him ( a man canā€™t hide it if he is not aroused). I am so lucky that everything was perfect, we had to adapt the positions a bit at first - I did not want pressure on my scar, but we managed just fine.

As gill has said, go down the route of ā€˜sorting him outā€™. At least you reintroduce sex into your relationship and see where it leads. He can make you happy without the full works as well. I think once youā€™ve had good sex again you will feel very different about your body - it will confirm that you are still the fanciable woman to him that you were before the op and I am sure it will bring you closer.

Very best of luck.

Birgit

5

Thanks so much for all your replies ladies. It was a relief to air it and even more of a relief to hear your positive responses. I love my OH to bits and miss the closeness and intimacy we shared not only through sex but cuddling.

Its even harder because he is so tired through pressures of work, keeping me sane and our kids sane, my mum in the loop etc that I have moved out of our bed into the spare room. I canā€™t sleep comfortably fully on either side, though I can manage to sleep on my right side with a concoction of cushions but that mean I take up the whole bed and we both sweat to death, and canā€™t sleep fully on my back due to scar not healed well yet and seroma so end up sleeping at a kinda 45 degree angle with a cushion behind one cheek to keep me there. I then get to sleep but as I am on my back partly end up snoring and keeping him awake. Added to the fact that I am still oozing a bit and dont want to ruin our nice bedding it just seems to make sense. We canā€™t even cuddle before sleep as its my left side I had done and he snapped a rib a few weeks back on his left side so there isnā€™t away we can comfortably lie down together and just have me rest my head on his chest whilst he strokes my back (something he has always done before I go to sleep and I love him for). Sex seems a long way off.

We are off to see the oncologist today and back to the surgeon on Weds re scars and oozing and maybe when I have an idea of where we will be walking along this journey next and reassurance that bits of me arenā€™t failing/dying/falling off I can take myself out of my head and my head out of my bottom where it has been since dx and put him first cos I need him to know that I love him and want him, more so because of his love and support.

Thanks so much again, x

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Hi Ostrich,
I too think you are brave to post on this subject so thanksā€¦ Iā€™m dealing with having one boob much as youā€™ve described, vest tops etc and did feel ok about sex until iv started my chemo which has knocked me back. Me and my OH have a joke about reconstruction and cup size which seems to lighten things a bit but it is so difficult to feel up for it when you are in pain!!. I just wanted to reassure you that if you are not ready then i think that is fine, even if your OH might be wanting things to happen sooner. I have found getting on with sex when iv not felt like it can be half the battle and then feel delighted with myself later, but if youā€™re not ready thatā€™s just it your not ready. Iā€™m sure heā€™ll understand.
good luck
xx

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Not quite the same as I didnā€™t have a mastectomy, but we didnā€™t have sex for 18 months as the FEC put me through an immediate menopause where everything just shut off, I had no libido whatsoever. OH was very patient about all this and kept saying things would come back when they were ready, but I found this aspect very emotionally upsetting as I was really missing intimacy. It all got sorted out when my oncologists referred me to a colleague of theirs who is a menopause specialist. She recommended topical oestrogen and with that and some counselling for the emotional fallout, I now have a libido again, not a huge one but it is functioning and I feel very secure in that.

However, I donā€™t like my OHs hands anywhere near my left breast as it is always very achy where I had the lump removed. My cervix is tilted, so we have never been able to do ā€œKama Sutraā€ type positions anyway, but weā€™re just happy with what we can do and letā€™s face it weā€™re not 25 year old newly weds any more lol!

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Hi all,

I posted on this subject a few weeks ago with the heading ā€œWell, at least the sex has got back to normal!ā€ on the Reconstructive Surgery thread. I had bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction using tissue expanders 12 weeks ago. My husband and I made love one week after my surgery and it was just as good as it had ever been. Weā€™ve been continuing to have a full sex life since but now itā€™s less than satisfying for me as Iā€™ve developed complications in the form of an expander thatā€™s moving and causing severe pain so Iā€™ve been started on Tramadol and Lorazepam, both of which seem to dull the sensations for me. I keep my top on when we make love as it feels odd to have these odd shaped breasts which donā€™t feel a part of me at all.

Now that the expander is moving and causing such pain Iā€™m thinking about having them both removed. Iā€™ve never fully accepted them anyway and I feel that Iā€™ll feel more of a woman without them as Iā€™ll be able to wear pretty little tops to hide prostheses and Iā€™ll be able to move around freely again without worrying that this movement moves the expander that then needs pushing back into position etc,etc.

My husband says heā€™ll fancy whatever happens and he was never a ā€œboobā€ man anyway, he just wants me to comfortable again.

9

Thanks for your replies Ladies,

It seems that some OHs can be fab and understanding through this and love us for who we are not what we are. Sadly I realise from reading other posts that some other OHs arent supportive in so many ways. My hubby has always been a boob man but I am realising these last few weeks that he loves me for more than my boobs. I donā€™t know that I feel ready to let go and expose myself (scuse the pun) enough for gay abandon/wild sex as was the want but I do know that I want to make him feel special and loved and that in so doing who knows where it may lead. The poor man is wiped out with trying to keep his business running, pluming in a new radiator and downstairs loo for us (not at my pushing but think he is trying not to stop), and caring for me and the kids and passes out on the sofa a mumbling wreck most nights. I need to find someway to make him slow down and relaxā€¦hmmā€¦I wonderā€¦ :slight_smile:

Thanks again for being so open and honest with me. This site and you ladies are really fantastic, I donā€™t think I would have made it through the last 6 weeks without you, much love to you all, xx

10

Iā€™m glad this has been brought up too, so thankyou.Itā€™s one of the aspects of all this treatment that iā€™m worried aboutā€¦my hubby is a real breast man too and i canā€™t bear the thought that he might find my body a physical turn-off.I hadnā€™t thought about menopause casuing problems either, and i donā€™t know how i would cope without the physical intimacy.In fairness, i might be doing him a great disservice, and things could be absolutely fineā€¦though iā€™m not sure iā€™ll want him to see me naked for quite some time, but neither of us will know that until after the op.Mine is scheduled for November 28th, so i should be home and more comfortable, i hope, well before christmas

11

Its an emotional minefield this BC and intimacy. I was chatting to my hubby on the phone just now saying I intended to ask the hospital when on earth I am likely to be able to wear a bra comfortably again, let alone if ever an underwired one (my muscle under my arm pit is still so big and I canā€™t work out how it will die down and the boob will stay and if it will or whether it will stay like this forever) and he jokingly offered to exercise the muscle in my boob with massage. I said that I really couldnā€™t bear the thought of anyone massaging my boob as to me whilst it may end up looking like a normal boob it wont be the same feelings wise and I find myself cringing internally at the thought of it being massaged sexually - it just feels wrong! The conversation went downhill from there really. What had started out as a light flirtation on his part ended up with a technical conversation and then a sense of ā€œwhy did I botherā€ on his part.

I think we need to talk. Heā€™s been so busy running around that we havenā€™t talked about that side of things properly at all since the op.

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Ostrich,
it sounds like that misunderstanding knocked you back a bit. Its really hard isnā€™t it? Iv had plenty of those conversations turn a bit cross and frustrated and i think when i look back its often been when other worries are bubbling. I think your idea about making time to talk is a good one. Good luck. xx

13

having real probs with my OH nowā€¦just trying to get a cuddle causes a big reaction! He told me to ā€˜behave myselfā€™ yesterday when i tried it on, and i feel so rejected.A friend who is a nurse says this is common and he probably sees me as a ā€˜patientā€™ right now, and may be frightened of intimacy, but now is the time I need him to show he cares! If itā€™s going to be like this forever, i really donā€™t know how iā€™ll cope

14

Hi Narnia, its not easy dealing with intimacy with our partner at a time like this. I determined earlier this week to find a way to get some kind of physical contact going over and above a hug and a kiss in the kitchen when he gets home from work. I tried to talk about it and he was ā€œmaybeā€, ā€œsounds niceā€, ā€œletā€™s just see what happensā€. On the way home from my father in lawā€™s 80th birthday party last night I thought to myselfā€¦ perhaps tonight, we can talk, cuddle, see where it leads. Then all the way home all I could think was ā€œhow?ā€ I cant lie on my left side, lying on my back is uncomfortable, lying on my right hand side feels odd and unpleasant after a while, my left arm isnā€™t as strong as it could be yet and I am scarred back and front. I tried desparately to figure out the logistics of it and became more and more wound up by myself turning it into a huge thing that would probably mean I would end up in tears if we ever figured out how. I resolved to pray that our love and bond would find away and what would be would be, maybe that we would even have fun and laugh and just end up closer no matter what happened.

When we got home and finally got to bed I asked for a kiss (I sleep on the right side of the bed), my OH was aching all over from DIY and cleaning his motorbike and between us we managed to have one kiss, laugh about whether we needed a book entitled ā€œsex for the disabledā€ before he announced that we shouldnā€™t bother and said goodnight.

I felt devastated cos I had worked myself mentally into breaking this ā€œwe havenā€™t been intimate in 4 weeks thingā€.

I took a deep breath and decided not to try and make a big deal that he wasnā€™t prepared to try cos I know that he really wants to (at least in theory) and try not to put everything on that ā€œone timeā€ in a ā€œdo or dieā€ way. I am going to have to get him to sit down and talk to me, preferably with us physically close as that makes it easier and talk things through re expectations, needs, wants etc.

Narnia, you need to tell him how you feel and get him to tell you how you feel so that the two of you can work it out. Its tough on both of you and you both need to know what the other one needs, wants, can or is willing to give right now so that you donā€™t end up misunderstanding each other.

I know I am saying that and will probably do the complete opposite to my own advice/intentions!!

If we donā€™t work it out I DO know that he loves me very much and I love him very much too and our relationship will survive this drought! (If he chooses to run off with someone physically more able than me at the moment/less scarred/with hair (havenā€™t lost mine yet but start chemo in about 2 weeks) then heā€™s not worth it!)

Communication, communication, communication!!!

Best wishes, xxx

15

A bit private I know but I wanted to say - we finally managed it last night! Hooray! The fear of me getting hurt/bruised/being uncomfortable and how I might feel was so much greater than the reality. Another bit of my life reclaimed from BC!!!

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Congrats,ā€¦ Go Girlā€¦

xx

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Well done Ostrich!

Itā€™s been just over 2 weeks since my Lumpectomy and SNB and although we havenā€™t yet had full sex yet we have used the other ways of giving each other enjoyment lol. Trouble is my right breast and arm are still sore, I have had arthritis in the neck for the past 20 years and I tore a tendon in my left shoulder 4 months ago which means both my arms have little strength or flexibility. On top of that I had 2 back teeth removed last week and now have a painful ā€œdry socketā€ infection and have justed started antibiotics. However Iā€™m sure weā€™ll be back to normal again soon. The spirit is willing but the poor old body is struggling at the moment lol.
Unfortunately 2 out of the 5 lymph nodes they removed were cancerous so on 19th Nov Iā€™m back in for more surgery to have a full node clearance.

Helen x

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Happy bunny here :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :)ā€¦thank goodness!!

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Congrats Narnia! xxx