Hi Sonja,
Oh how I know how you feel. I was diagnosed May 2011, had mastectomy/lymph node removal, fertility treatment, chemo, radio - then a hellish 'break' (ie back to work - very hard) for 10 months before double reconstruction. Have just had nipple recon two weeks ago, and in three months time will be getting the nipple tattoo to 'complete' the surgery. So the journey just goes on and on.
I don't know your situation with regards to if you had a mastectomy and are considering reconstruction - is that still to come for you? Everybody's journey is different, but I bet we all come out with the same feelings of hopelessness and depression. Some may only experience this for a week, some for a year, but we all get it - i feel I can say that on behalf of us BC ladies!
I am quite a bit further along than you with treatment being further behind me, and I can guarentee you that as time passes, you do start to come to terms with what has happened. I often feel that nobody understands me, or the way I think anymore. And the only people that do are the ones who have been through it too. The attitude of 'its all behind you' and 'you must be so happy its over' and 'how brave of you but you've fought it' - it all comes from a good place, but its just not helpful. Most of the time, you just want someone to say 'you've had a sh"t time haven't you, is there anything I can do to help?' - that would actually be of some use to us!! (Yes please, it would be so helpful if you could you cook me a couple of freezer meals, or yes please, would you kindly wash my bed linen - i haven't the strength to do it this week etc etc).
Even when you are a year down the line, and you've got your face on, and your dressed up and going out for lunch with your friends (and yes, I know you probably can't believe that will happen again, but it WILL - I promise), even then, you sometimes need to have someone acknowledge that you are still a different person than the one you were before. Not worse, not better - just different. And you could do with some support. Don't be afraid to ask.
What you need is to believe in yourself. Believe that you do have inner strength which will keep getting you through these dark days. You've got this far through it haven't you. That is testiment as to what you can endure. I hope you are talking to someone about it - I still see a cancer specialist clinical psychologist, organised by my Breast Care Nurse. Its only once a month, but I find it invaluable. She really does understand. Speak to your BC Nurses maybe?
The truth is once you've had cancer, you cant 'unhave' it. It'll always be there. But you do learn to live with it. Plus, your body has been through the mill, so you are bound to feel terrible right now. It is still such early days for you, I was an absolute mess mentally and physically at the point you're at now. Believe it or not, I am feeling pretty OK these days. Sometimes I'd even go so far as to say, I'm really on form. So it can happen.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to go through this period and I know, I've been there, its bl**dy hard. Its that never ending bucket of patience we are supposed to have, because of that annoying 'time is a healer' statement. But you know what, I wouldnt have believed it, but things have brightened up, and the dark days don't come half as often, and I would say that in the last 6 months I have really begun to enjoy life again. I still have days that drag me down to the pits of desparation, but I wake up the next day, and somehow, just carry on. And, some days are, believe it or not, good. Actually really good. When I was in your shoes, I couldnt even remember what that felt like. But please have faith, in time, you will start to heal, inside and out. Frikkin 'Time'. Fast Forward button pleasssssseeeee!!!!
Incidentally I was on antidepressants and antianxiety drugs all through my treatment, and continue to be on them today. It may not be the right path for you, but I agree that you must talk to your doc and see what they would suggest for you.
I feel like I'm waffling, but want so much to give you a virtual hug and tell you everything will be fine. It won't be fairytale fine, life is not that kind! But, you will find some light again, you will.
Love Tammy xxxxx
