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Can't believe how ignorant i was

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

Had the scans...........now waiting again Hi to all and thanks for replying - it really helps to talk about it with others who know what's what!

I've had the CT scan and the Bone scan this week and am now waiting for my pre-chemo chat with the breast care nurse and then following week first chemo! Seems to have taken ages to get to this stage, and my worrying hasn't got any better. I'm wondering if I will eventually adjust to this and will I ever feel 'normal' again - I still feel quite numb to it all, almost as if I'm just going through the motions.

I keep hearing people say 'keep positive' and am trying very hard to do this, but still the morbid thoughts creep in now and again (I actually slapped my own face the other day to try to snap out of it!). Also, I sound like a broken record lately because I have to keep going over and over the facts of breast cancer to every friend/relative that asks - which, in itself, is driving me nuts! I know they mean well, but, would be nice to talk about something else with them like how work is, or just mundane things!!!!

Am keeping busy as much as possible, and have become 'hair obsessed' - how strange is this??? I find myself constantly looking at everyone's hair!!! It must be psychological or something! Am impressed so far with wigs I have seen on internet sites, have also taken to wearing a scarf already, as I thought it might be a good idea to get my son (10) used to seeing me with one on as a fashion item.

Am wondering if I will have to have any more tests/needles done when I go for my pre-chemo chat next week? I'm hoping it will be just chat, but, as I was a girl guide, I will be prepared!

Bye for now
Morgaina xxx

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

Hi Morgaina I was diagnosed April 2005 with invasive carcinoma stage 3 tumour and also had 6 x FEC chemo prior to lumpectomy in the October of that year. I had very good results with chemo to the point where tumour had shrunk completely prior to surgery. Still had to have all lymph nodes removed as it had spread to node at diagnosis. My lump was 1.4cm and I nor consultant could feel it. Only showed up on ultrasound and not mammogram. Chemo wasn't too bad for me luckily only loss of hair did get me down. I just coped by taking one day at a time and feeling positive about ongoing treatment. My hair grew back early 2006 and I am doing fine at present (touch wood). My tumour was hormone receptor negative (triple negative). This jargon will become familiar to you if you visit these boards regularly. I was completely ignorant of BC at the beginning. Good luck!

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

To Morgaina Hi Morgaina

Your situation is so much like mine, I had to message you !

I was diagnosed on 4th April with an invasive 5cm tumour. The scary thing is, I found no lump, I just had a painful breast since December and even my GP couldnt find anything when I first consulted her on 23rd Jan. Sent me away saying it must be hormonal ! I went back on 26th March - still with pain - and she referred me to the Hospital. The Consultant couldnt find a lump, the mammogram didnt pick it up, but thank god, the ultrasound scan did !

Since then, I have well and truly been on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I too have been through every scan going, and like you, face a few months of chemo to shrink the tumour down before surgery at the latter end of the year (mastectomy unfortunately, but I've got used to the idea now, and can't wait to be rid of the damn thing!). Have already had my first chemo, which wasn't as bad as I thought, and my next one is 18th May.

I'm 42 (only just!), have a fab supportive husband, and two brilliant kids, plus the most amazing friends, who somehow are getting me through this. To be honest, I think the initial week/ten days is the worst from diagosis and test after test. Someone on this site told me I'd feel better once that was over and the treatment started, and it's so true !

Anyway, I just wanted to send you lots of love, and to let you know I (along with all the other lovely ladies on here), know exactly what you're going through - and we're all here to help ! Please keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

Love Julie xx

P.S Had to laugh about your comment about your cats in another posting - mine has really got a mood on with me since I've been diagnosed (maybe he senses something! ). He seems to want absolutely nothing to do with me - how odd !

Anthi
Member

Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

Hello Morgaina

sorry you had to join this site but the people on here are marvellous - I've found everyone very supportive and I've learned a lot about this horrible disease.

I just wanted to say that I've also been through a lot of guilt - when I was diagnosed last December I felt guilty about not self examining often enough and not finding my lump sooner, guilty about having taken HRT for years, having drunk too much alcohol, having sunbathed topless for years and so on. But when I went into hospital for my lumpectomy the lovely Breast Care Nurse said 'we don't know what causes it' and at that point I decided to stop feeling guilty and instead to concentrate on getting better.

I don't allow myself to feel guilty about not doing the housework either. If I don't feel able to do it I just leave it and if a grubby house worries anybody else then they can clean it !
Now nearly 5 months after diagnosis I've just finished chemo and have rads, Herceptin and Tamoxifen to look forward to so I'm still only halfway through treatment but I'm also learning to take it stage by stage
You will get through it. Everyone here understands very well how you feel. sorry for this long rambling post but I hope it's been just a bit helpful.
Very best wishes
Love
Anthi

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

Waiting, worrying and waiting some more....... First of all, thank you so much for your replies!! It made me feel instantly less isolated. I think I can honestly say that I've been through just about every emotion this last week...........one minute i'm thinking positive, the next, bursting into tears, then guilt! oh yes! guilt now! I keep blaming myself for a)not having found the lump earlier; b)lifestyle; c)worrying ridiculously about the smallest things! Today, I'm going through the cleanfreak phase too, the house is filthy still and I start with good intentions and then get all kind of despondent - started worrying about germs already! Hubby is acting like nothing is wrong, the children are tiptoeing around me all the time, even the cats don't want to know! Have been having such dreadful thoughts all week that it makes me wonder if I was ever stable before the cancer. This waiting seems to be taking forever and i keep worrying that whilst i'm waiting it's having a field day all over my body. Any ache/twinge i keep thinking it's spreading, which is not helping at all, i just can't seem to stop it taking over my mind! Sorry, to rant on, but it's getting to the point i just needed to let rip, hope everyone is else is feeling better than this.

Morgaina xxx

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

I know what you mean! So sorry you have had to join this website like the rest of us!

My husband found my lump, went and got it checked straight away and everyone who reviewed it, scanned it and even did the core biopsy said. No...don't think that's cancer. How wrong could they be? 12mm invasive carcinoma with node involvement. I have had the lump removed and all the nodes and go to see the oncologist on Monday.

Like you I knew nothing about cancer infact I avoided everything connected with it. I was convinced it would never happen to me (not in my family) and I still feel like I am talking about some poor girl who lives down the road.

I agree writing down questions helps but I also found that I was so busy interrupting my surgeon to ask my questions as they came up in the conversation that often I would put her off of her chain of thought. This irritated the hell out of my husband who just wanted to hear what she had to say. I guess its just me and how I deal with things but once we got out of the appointment I always have more things to ask because I wasn't listening properly.

Anyway - good luck with your treatment and congratulations in getting the house in order. Your doing better than me our house is a mess as we are in the middle of renovating and we have 2 small boys 2 & 4. The first thing I did was write to all of my pension funds in the UK to make sure that I had all my beneficiary forms correct. How mobid is that?

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

Same here!! I felt like I was reading my own story when reading your post!

When I was first diagnosed (8th March) I was in a state of obvious shock. I bought all the Birthday cards for the year just in case I couldn't get out!! Sounds crazy looking back because I really haven't stopped doing anything I did before, apart from going to work!

I started my chemo on 23rd March, on the Neo-Tango trial (4 x EC then 4 x Paclitaxel + Gemcitabine) and like you they are hoping the tumour will shrink prior to surgery. I went for a check up last week and apparently tumour has reduced in size already, which is really good news!

Good idea about writing the questions down, I didn't. However any questions I have had since have been answered. This site is a fantastic help. It's good to know that you're not alone and there are many other wonderful people dealing with similar situations and are around for support when you need it.

Good Luck Morgaina, you'll get through this!!

Janette X

eileen765
Member

Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

I was just the same as you. I pressed all the right buttons. Checked regularly etc. I have been beating myself up since finding the lump. Mine was 4.5 cm how could you miss that I ask myself. You have to learn a whole new vocabulary which is scary in itself. You will hopefully find it easier once you start treatment. Wishing you luck Take care Love Eileen

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Re: Can't believe how ignorant i was

Can't believe how ignorant i was Was diagnosed 4 days ago with invasive breast cancer (4cm tumour) and spent the next few days hardly able to take it all in. I couldn't even remember everything the doctor told me, which made it scarier - hubby was there too and he was just in total shock. I am 41, i have 3 children and i only found the lump at Easter because i woke up with my breast/arm/shoulder aching like mad. I did check my breasts regularly but somehow this managed to escape! (fast growing). Yesterday, was better as we now know much more about the cancer itself and the treatments. Knowledge seems to be the key here......... two weeks ago, i didn't even know that there were different types of breast cancer!!!!
I am writing questions down that i want to ask at next visit! Am due to start just over 4 months of chemo next week as they want to shrink the tumour prior to operating. I am still waiting for CT scan and bone scan but they're gonna start chemo anyway. The waiting seems to be the worst bit, i've decided to get house in order as much as possible before chemo starts as i might not feel like much for a while.

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Can't believe how ignorant i was

Can't believe how ignorant i was