Well it's been quite a while since I've visited so thought I'd pop in to say a cheery hi to all had my first year mammogram and the results were great but still struggling with meds but don't really have the time to be worrying as the pace of life is back to full steam so just ploding on being grateful for life hope all are well.
Much love to everyone Angi xx
thank you for coming back to give an update! I too am riding the rollercoaster of emotions and I still have rads and tabs to go!!
So glad to hear that work is going well for you - I worry that I won't be able to cope... but then I think we all think that. I know that sometimes we can be our own worst enemy!
Good luck for Thursday and for your continuing good health.
Love Lozza xx
Well just thought I'd bob on for a little update been four weeks since I returned to work and four weeks five day tamoxifen free and I feel like a different person it is fair to say the tears have disappeared completely woohoo and for that I am truly grateful also joint pains and burning feet are so much better but I guess I had not get to used to it as back to see oncologist next thursday booooo can safely say don't really want to go back on that horrible drug but fear I will be put back on it. hope all you lovely ladies are well.
I did my first short shift back at work today and am so glad I went it was amazing having that little bit of normality but boy am I pooped this evening 🙂 and I only did 4 hours, feel very proud of myself though for doing it but rest day tomorrow then back weds for another go.
Today is also my fourth day without tamoxifen and it has to be said my emotional state is much improved a full day without any tears woop 🙂 anyway just thought I'd write it on here as a little reminder for me and just putting things in words on here helps me alot. sending out positive vibes to all weapped in a hug Angi xx
Grrrr coming off the tablets doesn't seem any easier still wide awake at 05.09 sleep seems to be playing hide and seek with me and wining grrrrr think I need to catch me a sleep fairy so if any one has one going spare please feel free to share 🙂 xxx
Thank you ladies and yes can say am happy I had a ONC that listened feel a bit guilty for how hard it must of been for my family watching me like that but I just couldn't help the way I was feeling and it is very easy to get wrapped up in your self and neglectful of those around you.
Am only 2 days tam poxy fen free but already feel so much better at lot less strung out and emotional although the flushes have been quite bad again but am sure they will soon get better too along with my creaky old aches and pains.
I must say a massive thank you to all of you that took the time to post on my thread am sure without you all letting me know I was not alone was a massive help to me on my very low days I spent a long time just reading through this site and found so much to hold onto.
I am going to try very hard for the next 6 weeks not to worry about what will happen when I go back to ONC hopefully I will be much more improved and they will offer me an alternative just fingers crossed they don't put me back on what my OH calls my suicide pills.
thinking of you all big hugs and lots of love Angi xxxxxxxxxx
Thank goodness your ONC is a listener and does not just prescribe from the book. Don't think ou are any different from ll of us. It's hard to imagine what our families are going through on the sidelines. And sometimes we just can't think about it when faced wih our own side effects.
am sure all will be well.
Well where to start .................... I hope everybody had a brilliant christmas and new year mine was nice and quiet spent with my family.
My final oncology appointment was on the 3rd of Jan so I went along expecting to be signed off and into NEDland but have to go back in 6 weeks as the oncoligist thought it would be in my best interest to stop Tamoxifen so I am now starting my TAm poxy FEN break was in total shock when this was suggested the last thing I expected at most expected them to run some anti depressant along with it not stop it or put me on something else but she felt my side effects had been very severe don't suppose it helped my hubby saying I was almost suicidal and cried constasntly which left him in complete panic all the time. Feel so bad not realising how distressing it must have been for him was so busy wrapped up in me and trying to get through each day with as few tears as possible and keeping myself occupied so suicidal thoughts didn't enter my head so much.
Now am panicking over not taking them and the risk of the cancer coming back but hopefully will be panicking with much less crying so quietly on the inside as not to cause so much distress for my loved ones, and who knows what will be the outcome in 6 weeks we shall wait and see I suppose.
On the plus side start my fazed return to work on monday which am looking forward to although the oncologist wasn't too keen on that bright idea of mine either but I figure it gives me less brooding time so here goes nothing.
Love and hugs to all Angi xxx
Finally the tears are falling less which is good as didn't want to spend christmas in floods of tears and spoil things for my family nerves are kicking in a little though now for my onc app on the 3rd of Jan but will try not to worry too much. Excited for christmas day with my gorgeous grandson can't wait to see his little face when he see's all his presents, sending happy christmas wishes to all you amazing ladies for your kind words pf support and helping me find strength when I needed it take care everyone and enjoy xxxx
Had a very busy week and weekend feel like I'm still chasing my tail but on the crying front had a much better week thankfully as I was really struggling with the over emotional me still not settled completely but definately looking up even managed my trip to town without incident which made me feel very proud of myself hope everybody is well hugs to all Angi xx
Grandma Grizzle what you say is very true and most days pretending is the only way to be infact am getting quite good at that may have found my vocation in life am pleased to say the tears are subsiding now so maybe just maybe the tamoxifen is settling in a bit more now and if I am teary I take long toilet visits so my family don't keep seeing me as an emotional wreck.
Putting up the christmas tree this week figured it's about time to start trying to get into the swing of things for the sake of the family and my self am glad my girls are not babies so don't have to go overboard.
O/H must of been having a bad day as much more back to the loving supportive hubby I am used to.
Now am off to get ready to meet my middle daughter and my gorgeous grandson in town for a spot of xmas shopping hope the flushing behaves whilst am out hope everyone has a good day
Love and hugs to all Angi xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hiya..just keep posting...take it one day at a time...even one hour at a time if it helps..paranoia and hypochondria..these are a way of life for me at the moment...I read on another thread..a lady describes it as a form of post traumatic stress syndrome...we haven't been to war but we have been to hell and back...that must take some getting over..I am normally a v strong person but am not afraid to say this has knocked hell out of me..if is going to take as long as it takes to get over it...that is what is so great about this site...we can all connect with people who have personal experience of what it feels like....
I don't quite know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for this site and you wonderful ladies and your amazing support and I thank you all for your replies yes the aches and pains are making me worry alot and my judgement seems untrustworthy which I guess is why my O/H is thinking am paranoid and to an extent I guess I am but to me it's to be expected that am worrying after all I've just been through and I get that it's alot for some who haven't been there to understand but was shocked to hear O/H been so harsh when he has been fantastic up till now.
well on a more positive note I went to see my boss today for a chat about my return to work and he was brilliant and we've agreed that I should have a phased return in January so am looking forward to that and hopefully by then things should have settled down more with the tamoxifen and if not at least they will consider giving me something to run with it as I will have been on it for 3 months.
Thank you all again for your support it means alot and really does help me and I feel alot better typong it out I find it easier than trying to talk it out.
hugs to all Angi xxxx
Angik. BC is a very weird disease - condition - whatever you want to call it, because usually we DON'T FEEL ILL when first diagnosed. Unlike other illnesses where you feel awful or in pain, have surgery and/or treatment and then eventually feel better, it's usually a fairly small lump or even a dodgy mammogram out of the blue. Then it's the TREATMENTS that make us feel ill! This means we lose faith in our own ability to know when something is wrong. This is why we get 'paranoid'. It takes time to settle back to being able to sort out 'normal' aches and pains/feelings from BC ones - especially when we have SEs from chemo rads, and/or hormone therapies to contend with. Or, as someone once said "getting back to trusting our bodies"!
Do rant on here. Let all those worries out. I find typing them helps enormously. especially when I find so many other people feel the same. Those who don't have cancer, can't possibly begin to understand, no matter how hard they try.
Notice the things that make you happy, however small, and enjoy them. One step at a time it WILL get better. If it doesn't, then seek help, as it may be a reaction to the Tamoxifen and GP/Onc may be able to prescribe something to help.
I agree with all the above. It makes me think of when I had my children. I was a different person afterwards and had to adjust to that. Having this huge thing happen to you is bound to have an effect on your psyche. Nobody can understand what it is like, except other sufferers/survivors. That is what you are now, a survivor. Can't wait to join you on the other side of the journey. All the very best. PG xxx
Angik you're getting some excellent advice on here still - you just need to stop beating yourself up. Don't worry - that's not a criticism - I do it still to myself - we all do - but that's what you have to try for. Think how you'd advise someone else in your situation then sit back and think how much differntly you're treating yourself.
Naz - you know what? You've made me very happy - I seem to recall telling you on an earlier thread that you'd fallen off the end of a treadmill when you finish 'active' treatment and now I see you repeating it to someone else and I feel happy for you that you've got the message and are on the up!!
You rant away!
I will tell you what i think is happening and you can tell me if i am right off the mark if you like
Since news of your DX you have been running very fast on a treadmill with no time to stop and think.
Now your active treatment has come to an end and you are off the physical treadmill.
However over these last few months your mind has not had a chance to think or reflect on what you have been through but it is starting to now and that feels scary and odd.
People may now think that because active treatment is over, you are back to normal mentally and physically - you are healed? Although the physcial scars may be healing the emotional side of you needs some more time.
You are grieving for the old you and trying to make sense of the journey so far.
I am only finding that now ( 2.5 years after treatment has finished )that i am giving myself permission to grieve for my old life, my lost breast and my carefree days ignorant of BC.
What ever feelings you are experiencing, you must let them out . As katytc says, either to your GP, BCN or even a counsellor/cancer psychologist if you think it will help.
Don't bottle feelings and thoughts up..xxx We are here and understand where you are coming from.
angie agree with apple, if that's what your paranoid about?
It takes a long time for your head to settle because diagnosis is such a shock to the system and then you are so busy with all the treatment you really don't have time to think, when it all stops the fear factor begins to creep into your thoughts. It will pass, not completely, but it will be at the back of your head instead of being at the very forefront.
I have had a few frights and everyone on here made me see sense and calmed me down greatly, so just write down all your worries or speak to BCN, doc or whoever and get it all out.
It's amazing how other people's experiences and thoughts make you feel so much better, take care and lots of hugs to you..........you are not ranting, you are just worrying xx
Hi..what are you paranoid about??..if it is every little ache..pain..twinge..etc then I am right there with you..I was never like this before but am now..am just hoping it will settle down..you are right just to take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself...as somene once said to me..this will pass...hope so anyway!!!
ok time for a rant not sure where to start but feel that this is the only place I can vent my feelings and where I can talk and be fully understood as even my OH is not understanding me much lately saying I've become paranoid which all be it maybe true would rather he kept that to himself and supported me in silence instead of telling me I am over thinking things and becoming paranoid as this just adds to my over emotional state leaving me in floods of tears. I really don't understand where this has come from or why I am like this CONFUSED is the order of the day and thanks to my oh am overthinking my overthinking.
Writing all this down makes it somewhat better but not sure it makes sense all I know is I am so unhappy right now with this new paranoid me.
On the plus side going for a chat with my boss tomorrow to discuss my return to work maybe going back to work will do me some good get a bit of normal pre cancer Ang back in my life fingers crossed eh
Hi Naz ☺,
thank you for taking the time to reply and I am glad am not the only 1 who thought that way, it is such a massive journey from diagnosis to the just being on tablets life seems so structured with hospital visits etc then boom your just left in the wilderness with strange feelings that nobody or nothing prepares you for.
Thankfully I found my way here and have spent a few hours reading alot on herewhich has made me come to terms with my situation and where I now am and it has also given me hope for the future which I am so grateful for reading what others have written is very helpful and has certainly made me feel less alone and given me strength.
I think my body is really missing the eastrogen hence the tears they were just such a massive shock to me I wasn't expecting to be left such an emotional wreck with uncontrolable bouts of crying but am slowly learning to take 1 day at a time and if it's a lesss emotional day woop enjoy it and if it's a bad day then ride with it.
This experience has taught me alot about myself and not all good but I also know that am lucky with a life to look forward too.
Massive hugs to you Angi xxx
I thought the same as you..the minute treatment was over, that was it, back to normal..How wrong was i!
I am three years down the road and only now after my last surgery am i beginning to make sense of the journey.
I think the bottom line of it is that it all takes time..
Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself, acknowlege how you are feeling, cry and rant if you want to - it is all okay xxx
We are all here for you Anjik
Love Naz x
Just been taking things easy for the last few days taking some well deserved R&R the tears are still coming which still gets me down but I think am now coping a little better these last few days have helped me to get my head space into a bit more ordercoming to terms with the whole situation that my poor body and mind has been through and looking back now to my diagnosis I think I was expecting life to just return back to normal the minute treatment ended and boy did that turn into a rude awakening 🙂 I guess now is a time to start finding a new normal and embracing the future not dwelling on this past 7 months or so, so that is what I intend to do find the new normal me tears and all, I have read alot on here that has made me see the tears and hot flushes etc all are normal and so many cope with them in everyday life now and they have truly made me sit up and realise that I have to accept that this is just a new me 🙂
Well had an absolutely horrible weekend started on a downhill slide thst completely took over couldn't even bring myself to the pc for some moral support boy when the blues hit they really hit but decided to try today to ast least make an effort to get on here so yey small steps but successfull steps and as the saying goes tomorrow is another day
Good - now you're getting there!! Appreciating what a strong girl you are, and congratulating yourself on it, exactly the opposite of what you have been doing. If you're up to it, it is worth seeing the GP re anti depressants - I've had them since 1993 way before Big C. Started on Prozac, and after 13 years finally beat it - was able to curl up in a corner for days at a time crying and almost catatonic - that's how low depression can get you - so changed onto duloxetine which is a lot stronger and I'm on max dose, see a psychiatrist and don't care - if it keeps me going then that's what I have to do. I do have bad days, but at the end of each always try and say to long suffering husband that it will be beter tomorrow - and it usually is. Also think about counselling - it's combo of CBT from years ago, CAT from 2008 and general counselling more recently which allow me to think the way I do and turn my negatives into positives or at least grey rather than black.
More cyber hugs, more exhortations to look at yourself in the mirror and say well done!
Today has not been as good as yesterday which was my first full tear free day woohoo, but got up very weepy again today so jumped on here read a thread I added on to yesterday and found myself laughing I really am not sure what I would do without this site right now.
broomsticklady thank you for pointing out my achievements I hadn't really looked at it that way but now feel very proud of myself and after yesterday am looking forward to my next 1 it can't come quick enough but I know 1 day at a time so thats exactly what I'm doing.
hugs to all Angi xxx
Well done Missus - on two counts, not just one!! Not only have you not cried, you're also being kind to you by noting it and highlighting it as an achievement, which it is, a huge one!! Really pleased for you.
Hey, well done, Angi (although the day is young LOL). This board has been a lifeline for me. I lay in bed last night unable to sleep and worried and starting to get in a state, and finally made myself get up. Next thing you know I'm reading all about the Benchland nativity play thread and found myself laughing outloud (much to my OH's irritation, it was about 2am). One day at a time, hun. xxxxxxxxx
Just wanted to say I haven't cried yet today , could this be a breakthrough I do hope so and have been having a mooch around on here and looking at other threads that were suggested to me and even found myself laughing out loud at some of the comments feel much more upbeat about the future today and so wanted to share this with you all fingers crossed this feeling lasts.
I feel completely overwhelmed by the love and support you ladies are giving me, it is very reassuring to know am not alone at this time and that there are poeple there to help support me in my hour of need and right now I am so needy which is also a side of me am not used to, being a wife and mum means I have always been a tower of strengthand support not an emotional cripple which is how I am feeling at this moment in time.
I guess in time this will get better and I hold on to that thought but from the bottom of my heart I'd like to say a massive thank you to all you lovely ladies.
I found that I was totally over-emotional on Tamoxifen and joints ached horribly on Letrozole.
There are other drugs. I am now on Anastrozole which doesn't seem to affect my emotions and my joints are less painful. It might be worth asking your doctor if it would be suitable for you. All these drugs have side effects and it takes some time to find which will suit you best.
I agree with the comments already made that I don't think you ever feel the same, but I hope that you will feel less down soon. Good luck - sending love and light,
Angik..you are not a wuss..you've been through a lot and it is going to take time to get over...I have been in the same boat for the last week...6 months down the line from my last chemo and I'm having days when I struggle to cope..for instance..last week I got a tummy bug and convinced myself that it was C related...over exerted myself at the weekend and suffered for it..that was C related as well!! as Choccie says..if it keep up, this feeling, I am going back to my GP for more citalipram...I was prescribed these when first dx and took myself off them..big mistake I think...it might just be the weather for me as I hate the lack of light...talking about it helps..I'm not one for counselling but as Nannab says it may be the answer...there are links on here to coping after treatment..I hope I have been of some help...M
I just wanted to send you some virtual hugs and support..
I so know how you are feeling right now and i am much further on down the line than you.
I really hope that how you are feeling now fades over time as you adjust to your new life..
I wonder if talking openly and honestly to people about how you are REALLY feeling and how much BC has impacted your life will help? I didn't and still haven't and am struggling now.
Keep chatting on here Angik, we all understand what you are going through even if others do not..
Thinking of you
I feel for you so much and know exactly how you are feeling. I was exactly where you are now this time last week. I felt as if I had to deal with this on my own because like you, I thought that everyone thought I was being strong. I turned to the forum because I knew that people on here would 'get it'. Having posted how I was feeling and getting some lovely replies I went into total melt down which in turn led to me finally telling my OH how I was feeling. Over the past few days I have spoken to my BCN, my GP and my friends and family to let them know what's going on in my head. It's been such a relief to talk to people and to know that I'm not isolated with this. My BCN has suggested counselling - something I never thought I'd have to consider - I'm the strong one after all!! Please talk to your family and friends as well as your GP and your BCN. I'm sure that if your friends and family are happy to tell you how amazing you're being they will be there to support you through this. We will get through this and the way we are feeling is OK. Take care.xx
Angik, I found that Tamoxifen and the chemo-induced menopause messed with my hormones completely, and I was totally unable to cope emotionally with stuff - and I had a LOT of stuff - that I had to deal with. My GP has prescribed anti-depressants, and I feel a lot more like "me" than I have done for a while. It's not a failure to admit that you're not coping: in truth it's a success. And the added benefit of the anti-d's is that they help subdue the hot flushes, so success on two fronts!
Be aware that if you are on Tamoxifen there are certain anti-d's that you shouldn't take because they reduce the effectiveness of the Tamoxifen. These include Prozac (fluoxetine) and another one I can't remember the name of, but make sure that you GP double-checks the interactions. Some that are ok to take include Citalopram, Sertraline and Venlafaxine, but there are plenty of others, and if you don't get on well with one, you can swap to another to find the best one for you.
Welcome to the new you. I suspect you'll find you are a lot less tolerant of fools, and may end up learning how to say "No" a bit more often. As suggested, counselling may help you find, and get used to, the new you. Other people will just have to get used to the new you on their own!
Today is yet another weepy day feeling completely out of sync and control of my emotions got appointment with my gp so hopefully they can give me something to run along side my tamoxifen that might just help to balance me out, feeling lonely is an understatement everyone just expects me to pick up my life where it was left on hold prior to my diagnosis and I would so love to be able too but can't feel like am in a very dark place right now so so so fed up and unable to talk to any of my family or friends as they just tell me how amazing I am how strong I am etc etc and to be fair right now that is so far away from the truth and they just don't understand
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and I shall look at finding the threads suggested your all so kind and understanding and the nicest thing of all is learning am not alone and alot of what you have all said rings true to myself my situation etc wish I had had the courage to post sooner many thanks to you all and hugs a plenty in return to all given xx
Here is the link Grumpy mentioned:
I have it saved on my computer and re-read it when I'm feeling that I've lost 'me'. It Makes me cry because it so accurately describes the way I feel - and JUSTIFIES THOSE FEELINGS!!
You are NOT a wuss and you are most definitely NOT alone in struggling to get back to 'normal' after the horror of the BC roller-coaster. Give yourself time to grieve for the person you were, then look forward to getting to know the new you and finding where life's going to take you next. (Ughh that sounds so Disney twee - but I hope you get my gist!)
you are NOT a wuss - your body has been cut about, you've been subjected to powerful rays and chemicals, and the way your body kept going was by producing massive amounts of adrenalin. Now you've bombed out for a while, so yes you will be weepy, tired, moody, frustrated etc. It's normal, honestly. That's what this community is for - to vent these feelings without judgement.
And remember you have become an expert on your own cancer in a way even your closest family and friends can't, so there will be bits they don't get and they can't help it.
One thing I found useful is an article by Dr Peter Harvey about after treatment and how we need to pace ourselves, which you can get by googling him. Somewhere on this site is a link, but I can't remember where. One of the things he says is that the cancer experience changes you, not making you better or worse but altered, and that the 'new' you is just as important and valid as the 'old' you. And like a bereavement, you don't 'get over it' you learn to incorporate into a new life AND THAT'S JUST FINE.
Hey FF, you didnt turn it into 'about you', AngieK asked if the way she is feeling is normal and you are just demonstrating that it is!!
I used to think that counselling was a load of B*** but over recent months, through the experiences I have read on here, and the experiences of other people I know who have had counselling lately (not necessarily BC related), I have changed my opinion, and even considered it for myself.
As everyone says, 'non BC' people just dont get how this things stays with you, always lurking in the shadows. As Quail says, the best places to take shelter are in BENCHLAND and the dark, dark, woods (find threads by looking in the list on the left and click on Active Topics
Much love, Barb xxx
I think the majority of women must feel like this, whether they admit it or not. I certainly do. Life does not go back to normal, it will always be different and I don't think anyone who has not been there "gets it"
ST hits the nail on the head about family and friends - mine expect me to be the old me, especially, as one friend put it "you only had bc a little bit"! They also, now don't want to talk about it at all, let alone entertain the possibility that it may return. I find their belief that I am "cured" extremely annoying and this sometimes colours my relationship with them.
Angik - sorry for turning your thread into about me but my point is that I need someone to talk to and am going to ask about counselling and wonder if this may benefit you.
You are most certainly NOT A WUSS!
What you are feeling and experiencing is in my mind very normal and totally understandabe considering all that your mind and body has been through.
I like applestreet cannot find the old me and am trying very hard to adjust to the new me.
It has been three years for me since DX and i am struggling a little (mainly with my reconstruction and the journey i have endured to get there) but i try to think in a postive way and look forward and hope that one day BC and all its c*** will take a back seater from my mind.
You will get there eventually..give yourself lots of time and be kind to yourself..xx
Hey Angik, welcome to our world!!! NEDland (No Evidence of Disease) is so scary. I lurked off and on this site all through chemo and rads, getting good information, a bit of moral support just from reading about people who felt like I did, but it wasn't till all my treatment except Herceptin was over that I lost it. WTF, I felt/sometimes feel terrified of recurrance, sick from continuing se's (dratted lymphoedema), and angry that my friends and family are moving it on, and I'm not ready to.
I've found two threads on here that have kept me going these past few months:"Stop feeling guilty small rant (Benchland)" and "Standing alone in the deep dark woods". They are weird, but wonderful, and the woman who post are fun and understanding and have somehow kept me from falling apart. Come join us, we'll help you cry and we'll show you where the hankies are, when you're ready to stop crying (for awhile).
Good luck, don't be afraid to look for and ask for help. You have been through a lot, and your body is still full of chemicals and your mind is still not settled.