Hello this is Deb’s husband Ian.
I thought I would just let everyone know the funeral service seemed to go very well. The chapel at Manchester Crematorium was full and I had managed to get hold of a number of her old friends so even if they could not manage to get to the wake afterwards, they were able to pay their respects at the service.
About half the “congregation” then went on to the White Lion pub in Manchester which Debs used to manage in the 80’s and which always remained her social base when we went into Manchester centre. We were joined by a good many other people unable to get to the actual service.
In the past Debs and I had often talked about her ideas for the service and she had pondered a “green” casket and a humanist service but in the past few months when she became much more ill she was much less willing to discuss it.
Her daughters and I were desperate to organise something she would have been happy with so the absence of specifics was a bit of a nightmare and could easily have led to disagreement and upset among us if we had had different ideas about what she would have wanted but we made sure we all agreed on everything so there could be no regrets or recriminations afterwards.
Although she had mused about wicker caskets and half-a-dozen other other types of ceremony, as I say, nothing was ever properly written down which was very unusual for Debs. We decided that at heart she liked tradition so went for a lovely dark oak casket and we ummed-and-ahhed about whether we should ask for no flowers except family. I hope she was happy with our choices
All I knew for sure was her choice of four songs because she had played them to me and her eldest, Samantha and explained why she chose them. They were Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley as we walked in; Our Love Is Easy by Melody Gardot for me; It’s Your World Now by the Eagles for her girls and Don’t Rain On My Parade by Bobby Darin to lift our spirits as we left. In the absence of any other definite instructions from Debs we decided to have an Anglican priest coordinate the service, linking a couple of simple prayers, the songs and a couple of eulogies, one from her best friend Elaine and one from me. It was nerve-wracking for both of us but the adrenaline got us through even though we each both really struggled with our last paragraphs.
I must tell you that in my eulogy I quoted from several of the condolence messages posted here on this thread, they were a beautiful accompaniment to my own efforts to describe my wife and our time together.
This will be my last posting here on BCC so I would once again like to thank all the other members, both present and no longer with us, for their friendship and companionship with Debs.
Also, at the risk of sounding bossy or morbid, I would strongly urge anyone to make it very clear what they want at their service. Each family member has strong views on what they think sums-up their beloved wife, mum, sister etc. and they can be very different.
Good luck to all the women on here dealing with cancer, on top of everything else life throws at you. Good luck also to your partners and family; often our sense of helplessness when we look at you can be overwhelming. I know Debs was helped by the support and advice of others and so I took comfort in knowing she had more than just me to talk to.
Finally, at the risk of souring the tone, may I also ask that everyone here makes sure that the announcement of someone’s passing is done in in the right way, i.e. an “official message” from either the partner / family or a BCC member who has been asked to speak on their behalf.
I cannot begin to tell you how upset I was to discover Deb’s passing was common knowledge before I had even had time to prepare myself to let you all know in a manner I felt was fitting for Deb’s memory. I wrote to the forum moderators to express my hurt but never received a reply. One of Deb’s friends on this site had to be a spokesperson on my behalf and effectively act as a moderator. This is an incredibly unsatisfactory state of affairs.
Rant over.
Love to you all.
Ian,
and Debsxxx
