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Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

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Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Flower,

 

Yes best to be prepared isnt it, I went in on the Tuesday morning, had all the blood tests, ECG and bits and pieces and then the op next day, was home Thursday lunchtime, think it varies from hospital to hospital though and they did warn me beforehand that it would be 2 nights.

 

I'm Welsh, from Cardiff , I've just the one daughter who's 26 and 2 grandchildren a little girl who was 7 last week and a baby boy 7 months. They live near to me and my partner so we are lucky and see lots of them which is a very welcome distraction at the moment! I love being a Nan it's fab, all the good bits and not so much of the hard work.

 

I think you will be fine for a few days away Flower, be something to look forward to as well. All the best for Tuesday and I'll message you later in the week see how you are doing ok.

 

Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda,

Thanks for replying. All packed for hospital tomorrow, Monday. They say they may keep me in overnight after the radioisotope injection and ward visit so I'm going prepared. I've also been on a clinical trial of a new drug along with anadtrozole as well, for fifteen days before surgery. They will be giving me a health check, blood pressure, ECG etc and asking questions as to how I've been feeling on the drugs etc. Glad when surgery is all over on Tuesday, this stage anyway. Hope everything is good for you on the 3rd September. Enjoy your break, even a day or two away can make a difference. My husband and I are considering a few days away after surgery, when I'm feeling comfortable, before radiotherapy etc, but it' maybe too early to think that way till we see how things are.

I'm from Fife in Scotland. Are you from England. How many g/children? I have two, girl of ten and boy of eight. xx Flower

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Flower,

 

If you click on my user name on the to the left hand side of my message it will take you to another screen. on the right there is an option to add me as a friend. I've just added you so I'm assuming if you add me too, we can then message each other. Hope this helps!

 

Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Flower,

 

Thanks me too. No problem it's nice to have somebody in the same boat to compare notes with isn't it and a bit of support too. I had never been on a forum before but I have found this one very useful, lots of info and advice. I will see if I can friend you, not sure how to do it either but I'll give it a go ok!

 

Yes I felt so relieved once the op was done and again last week when I got the results. I think whilst things are actually happening it's easier to cope with, it feels like I'm moving forward and a bit more in control. Hopefully you will get your results quicker than I did, my surgeon was on holiday which added an extra week.

 

I've had my letter today for my initial appointment with the oncologist on September 3rd which is good timing as I'm going away for a long weekend the next day - only to Butlins with the family and grandchildren but have been really looking forward to it so at least I can still sneak that in!

 

All the best for Tuesday Flower, it was ok honestly and 4 weeks on I feel pretty 'normal' again - for now!. Like I said, I will try and friend you now so we can keep in touch.

 

Linda xx

 

 

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda, thanks for replying. It helps to read about what others in similar positions have been through. I'm so glad that your tumour is out and the margins and SLN were clear as well. I was told about being HRPositive and having invasive cancer at my biopsy. I won't know any more until after surgery on Tuesday coming. Can't wait to have it done; never thought that I would be saying that!! I suppose the results will take a couple of weeks, the next big step in this marathon!!
Let me know how you get on with your treatment when it starts. I don' t know how to friend people on this site, find it a little difficult. I'm 67, 68 in October. Flowerxx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Sheena,

 

Glad to hear it's almost finished and you have been ok with it, that's good news. I'm settled-ish again for now, waiting for the chemo appointment letter will be my undoing again if anything, must try and get some extra patience from somewhere for all this waiting we have to do!

 

Look after yourself

 

Linda x

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Flower,

 

Nice to speak with you, hope you are doing ok. I had WLE and several sentinel nodes removed for biopsy on 22nd July. It all went much better than I had imagined - never had general anaesthetic before and was really nervous! Had a bit of a wait for the results but went last Friday when the surgeon confirmed that the lymph nodes they took were all clear and the tumour was out with clear margins too. Then they explained that tests confirmed that it was oestrogen positive (ER+) and also HER2+ which is a  cell protein as I understand it. Good news in as much as I don't need any further surgery but will need chemo and also herceptin for the HER2+ side of it and afterwards, Tamoxifen for the ER+ and radiotherapy.

 

Have had a few weeks to get used to the idea of chemo which scared me silly at first but now I'm thinking let's just throw everything we can at it! I am waiting now for for my first appointment with the oncologist to plan the chemo etc and really hoping it won't be too long.

 

I hope that helps but any questions just fire them off, I'm only a month ahead of you and I would be happy to try and help. Sorry if this is long and rambling!

 

I've just realised that I didn't even ask how many nodes they actually removed but never mind! Sounds like you knew about the HER2+ status from the initial biopsy? They just told me mine was a fast moving type but didn't elaborate and at that stage I didnt know enough to ask further.

 

Good luck for Tuesday, I'll be thinking about you and let me know how you get on.

 

Take care, Linda x

 

 

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda

glad you are feeling a bit more settled now

 

rads will finish end of next week,  not a walk in the park to be honest but nearly done

sheena x

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda

Im new to this but have read your thread and wonder how you got on with finding out your results after surgery.

Im having SNB and WLE/ lumpectomy surgery on Tuesday. Grade 2 h/r positive invasive cancer.

I'll be glad when it's over and get the results. Did they remove the SLN or was it just a biopsy?

Hope you're keeping well and coping ok with your treatment if it's started.

Flower  xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Sheena,

 

Thanks - I have to agree the waiting has been the worst thing in all this so far, so much time to imagine the worst and worry yourself silly. Yes, at least I'm moving forward at last and considering I was so upset when chemo was first mentioned weeks ago, I'm now just so relieved by my results I almost can't wait to have a start date and get moving on the next stage of this unreal chapter in my life.

 

I've been reading lots of threads on here which has helped a lot. How are you finding rads? Hope it's going well for you and thanks again for your kind words along the way.

 

Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda

great to hear from you and good that you now know what you are up against.  Waiting for the outcome is an awful time

maybe you can get some support from other ladies waiting to start their chemo and one of those threads

I decided not to have chemo and am currently half way through rads

all the best linda if you are not easily offended I have a great laugh with a small group in surgery and living alone or add me as a friend if you want to private message

take care

sheena xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi there,

 

Just wanted to update everybody who was kind enough to respond to my original post. Got my results on Friday, good news - lump was larger than they thought at 3cm but removed with clear margins and no lymph nodes affected! It was oestrogen and her2 positive so I'll be having 6 cycles of chemo, then 3 weeks rads, 12 herceptin injections and then tamoxifen. I am so relieved and feel so much better just knowing there is a plan. I am waiting for a start date now for chemo and will post again once I have full details. Maybe I will start a new thread in different section - I will look into that, still not very good at this!

 

Thank you so much to everybody who took the time to reassure me in the beginning - I am very grateful to this forum and to the lovely ladies who make it what it is.

 

Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda

so glad you're feeling better now you've had the surgery,  take it easy and take the painkillers x

Re waiting for the results,  usually the medical teams meet regardless of whether the surgeon is not around,  I was in the same position as you and I spoke to the bc nurse who was able to get her hands on them I still had to go back and see surgeon the following week tho

sheena x

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi everybody,

 

Thank you all for your kind and positive comments, much appreciated! Sorry it's taken a while but just wanted to give you all an update (and hope I'm using the right reply option cos I'm still finding my way around here!).

 

Went in last Tuesday for my WLE/lumpectomy and SNB and came home Thursday - all much better than I expected and had got myself in a right old state on the morning of surgery. The SNB injection was done the day before the op and honestly was not as bad as I had imagined and the op itself, despite being absolutely petrified at the thought of general anaesthetic, I knew nothing at all about it - everybody told me this but I was not convinced lol.

 

I did nothing but sleep for the first day I was home and have been uncomfortable and aching more than in actual pain but today exactly a week on, I feel like I might be on the mend. Am taking things very easy and just going with the flow. Had to get my wounds redressed on Monday as the dressings had come adrift and I'm not ready to look but my daughter did, braver than me!

 

I've just bought some fab crop top soft seamfree bras from Peacocks online which are amazing - I have been struggling to find anything comfortable so that has helped!

 

My surgeon is on hols so I have a bit of a wait until results and treatment plan on 14th August. I feel positive again at the moment and I will just have to deal with whatever I find out when I get that far. Sorry for this long rambling post but just wanted all you kind supportive ladies to know I'm ok. Hope you are all doing well and I will keep you all posted.

 

Linda xxx

 

 

 

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

No don't apologise please ! I am very tactile in real life,but only with family and friends.
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Nick Having a goal is a great thing something to look forward to and focus on when you are well. Im doing the same thing and im exactly the same as you. Im always the strong one that looks after everyone else. But this has made me realise that when I am better we all need to help each other. I also had never taken part in a forum before this but so glad I have the lovely ladies on here have helped me so much on here. Also good luck Linda xxxxxx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi ladies

just a quick thing,  button up the front shirts and crop tops instead of bras are great after surgery.  

 

A horse is major! I did get a cat though,  1st pet I have ever had

 

afraid I am a hugger,  so sending you both one xxx

sheena x

Highlighted
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi

 

I'm just butting in to mention that there is a gloosary of terms and abbreviations on the website which I thought might be helpful:

 

https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/glossary

 

Very best wishes

 

Janet

BCC Moderator

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda,Claudia here. I was diagnosed with what you have,but grade 4 in May 2012,so am a BC'survivor' ! Only came on here a few days ago to see if there was anything about sweating with hormone therapy(that joy awaits you!)but got interested in peoples posts. Please be assured that for most of us,its the unknown that is the scary bit. I looked up everything I could,knowledge is power imo. I am already impressed that you know so many acronyms,I worked out SNB for myself(I had LNB)but have no idea what an WLE is ? Don't worry about waiting for your surgery,I had a big wedding to go to in June(2012)and my surgeon said'go to your wedding and come in the next day'(NHS obvs) Yes,you must not ignore it,and fast treatment is key,but he said a week either way wasn't going to make any difference. I'm laid back,but he was horizontal ! 

Have you been assigned a Macmillan nurse yet ? If not,ask why. Mine was amazing,your friends and family want to help,but are as scared and clueless as you. She on the other hand has(virtually)all the answers. Have a look at my other posts too,it may help. (Sorry,I'm not an emoticon or"hugs"type person but I WILL help you in any way I can)

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Thank you Linda, and good luck 😍
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Thank you Sarah. I'm not sure how to use these forums so this is my second attempt at a reply, so excuse me if I repeat myself.
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Thanks Sheena, I think I'm all organised for now. My friends and colleagues know, but I'm not one for asking for help, I'm used to bring the strong one. This has made me realise that I need to start prioritising me again, so when I am well, I want to get a horse, it's been such a long time since I gave the horsey life up for my family! Good to have goals, plus... Horses are great therapists 😂
Nichola x
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Thanks Sarah xx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda

its funny how most of the ladies here haven't posted on forum's either,  I stumbled across this quite by accident! 

With a bit of luck you will get home same day as op, I walked, albeit v slowly, of the ward and into waiting car. Take any pain relief on offer and keep it topped up x

lots of virtual hand holding here

sheena xxx

Community Champion

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda, you have no need to feel silly at all, it's such a shock to be diagnosed and takes a while to start to get your head around, I have amazing support from my husband, family, friends and work colleagues but that didn't stop me falling apart, I was a complete mess initially so please don't feel like you have to be big and brave no one will be expecting you to, things get better as time goes on and you gain more knowledge so give yourself time to absorb it all, take care love Jo xx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Janet,

 

Thank you so much it's great to hear I am not going completely nuts although it did feel like on that day in particular. I am glad that your surgery went so well that's really reassuring. I am nervous particularly of the SNB but also keen to get on with things as well. I will let you know how I get on, and I am trying my best now to take it a step at a time and stay positive! Thank you again, Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Sheena

 

Thank you for your replies - just the thought of your lovely son in the lingerie dept at M&S was enough to make me smile! I have a lovely daughter and 2 young grandchildren who have been distracting me like crazy the last few days and I am feeling more together. I have told close friends and family and work colleagues who have all been amazing, as has my partner even though he is not the emotional type he has been brilliant. That's why I felt so silly, I am so lucky I have lots of love and support but I think I just needed to hear from people who had experience of this siuation too. I have never posted on a forum in my life but am so glad I did! I will look into the friends option as I think that may be really helpful.

 

Thank you again, Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Nick thank you so much for your message, sounds like we are in a very similar situation. Yes I agree the waiting is the worst and very stressful. I am trying now not to think any further ahead than the op next week and then see how I feel.

 

I will certainly let you know how it goes as it may be helpful for you come 3rd August. It is such a relief and comfort to hear from people like yourself, thank you again. Take care Linda xx

 

 

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda, I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and felt I must write to you to tell you that your feelings and thoughts are completely normal. I was diagnosed 6 weeks ago with invasive lobular cancer, grade 2, 3cm. I was also feeling really positive up until 2 days before surgery and then I also went to pieces and also posted on here for some help and support. I had a WLE and SNB last Monday 13th and also have to follow it up with radiotherapy at a later date. I just want to say it wasn't as bad as I had feared, I had worked myself up into a right state and post surgery hasnt been too bad. I just had my dressings removed today and now have to wait for swelling to go down. I guess what I want to say is the other side of surgery isn't as scary as I first thought and there are people on here who will support you every step of the way. Good luck with your op and stay positive Xx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi nick

I agree with Sarah,  best not to look at those,  concentrating on your own situation is most important right now

Have you told family and friends,  work colleagues etc yet?

maybe you can get them to rally round and organise some treats before surgery,  day's out,  spa day, etc trying to keep your mind occupied, I know it's difficult. I think myself as lucky because I was diagnosed one week and had surgery the following Monday so I had no time to do anything but come her and shout HELP! 

my son was with me and I dragged him round marks and Spencer looking for suitable bras, he's 22, a total diamond, but the underwear dept was a bit too much lol

same goes for you Linda! 

 

and do remember that all the lovely ladies here will handhold all the way. There is a part about going through treatment that might help as well

 

sheena xxx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Dear Nick. Its very tough and the wait up to the surgery is the worst you are doing so well to get up and functioning each day and dont beat yourself if you have a bad day. I wouldnt watch the testimonies as each case is so individual you would be best to concentrate on yourself and what helps you get through the day. I am nearly 2 weeks post op and I get my results next week. Having the operation has helped my state of mind and this site is full of ladies who are so helpful and know exactly how you feel and will be there for any help and advice you need.Xxxxxx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi, I was so glad to read your post. Have some comfort that you are not alone out there. I was also diagnosed with breast cancer on the 7/7/15. I have a grade 2 invasive lobular cancer and will have surgery on the 3rd Aug. I'm finding the long wait for surgery very difficult, but have tried hard to remain positive. This week I have found it hard to sleep and I am really struggling to stay strong. Im too afraid to watch the videos online of personal testimonies about a persons breast cancer, and I am trying to deal with my battle one challenge at a time. However, sat at home waiting for my treatment to begin, and then waiting for the review of my lymph nodes post op, to finalise the treatment plan, is very stressful, I just want to get on with it now.
i hope that your surgery goes well, dont forget that you are not alone, although it often feels like it (smiley face x)
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

After your Wle you normally wait 2 weeks for results if your NHS. You will then know more about your tumour .. Grade, exact size, if your Er, Pr, her2 positive or negative and then you'll they will tell you what treatment plan you are having .. I'm grade 3, stage 2 her2 and Er positive .. Everyone has a different cancer ... Hope your ok today x
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hiya Linda

deep breaths,  there's a lot of people who have been right where you are now amd we will all try to keep you sane and share our own experiences which may help you

 

If you add folks as friends as well you can private message if you want to keep it private

 

I'm so sorry you had to join the "bc club", but here we are and you will be able to get things off your chest without upsetting family and friends,  but make sure they know how afraid you are, don't brush it off as something that they don't need to get involved in

 

love to you

sheena xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Carolec,

 

Thank you for your reply - I am so happy to hear my out of control emotions are normal if you know what I mean! Yes I get the roller coaster thing already, that sums up the last 2 weeks perfectly so far. So glad your WLE/SNB went well and you recovered quickly, thats good news. I will certainly let you all know how it goes and thanks again for the reassurance, Linda xxx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Cocolily,

 

Thank you for your reply. I feel much better today knowing that you have all felt like this along the way. It's really good to hear that the chemo has been doable, that's reassurance in itself!

 

I'm so grateful for this forum and kind ladies like you.

 

Thanks again, Linda xxx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Jo,

 

Yes that's exactly what I needed, to hear from ladies who have come out the other side! Better day today so onwards and upwards! Linda xxx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda what you're feeling is absolutely normal - up one minute and down the next - it's like a roller coaster ride and we've all been there. I was diagnosed in May and WLE/SNB on 3 June and it all went well. I was surprised how quickly I recovered from the op but am still feeling tired towards the end of the day (more so on the days I work) which is normal. It's good that you have the support of your family and friends and this site is invaluable for speaking with other ladies who are going through or been been through the same thing. big virtual hugs for next Tuesday and let us know how you get on xx
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi, I was diagnosed in Feb and what you are feeling is normal .. I'm on chemo 5 this Friday and it is doable ... I still feel scared and still can't believe it's happening to me .. But we have to cope and be strong and you will too xx
Community Champion

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Anytime Linda, I know it helped me no end to hear from people who have come out the other side when I was first diagnosed, it's a bizzare old road to travel and in a funny way it just becomes the new normal after a while, you will look back in a few months and think get me I did it! Xx Jo
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Dear June,

 

Thank you for your quick reply and reassurance. I will certainly have a look at the link, much appreciated.

 

Linda xx

Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Dear Jo,

Thank you so much for the reassuring reply, it's so comforting to be able to talk to somebody who has been through it and knows how all this feels.

I think I was so swept up with it all at first that it's only now it's really sinking in but thank goodness for this forum and the experiences of other ladies such as yourself.

You're right, I think a bit of adjustment time is needed and going with the flow sounds like a plan!

Thank you again for replying so quickly.

Linda xx

 

Community Champion

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hi Linda, im sorry you have had to join us here but you will find so much support and plenty of ladies who will walk the same path as you, I was diagnosed in April and was terrified to the point I couldn't put one foot in front of the other, what you are feeling is what we have all been through on here at some point along the way, I didn't have chemo but have recently finished Radiotheraphy and will be taking Tamoxifen for at least 5 years but am feeling really well now both physically and mentally, it's such a massive thing to try and come to terms with and you will be up and down and I found just going with the flow was the easiest thing, if I felt low I wallowed and if I felt more upbeat I got out and about while I felt up to it but I didn't force myself to be one way or the other,if I wanted to lay in bed and cry all day then I did. You will gradually start to feel more positive as things progress, the more information you get the less scary it feels, we all fear the worst at the beginning because we hear the C word and think that's it but you will find that is far from the case 😊 always here to talk or just listen anytime, please don't worry about the op, it's quite straight forward and plenty of ladies will reassure you it's not really painful or anything to fear, we will all help you through and I found so much support from these lovely ladies who had been there before me and I want to be able to do the same for others now if I can , you will be ok just give yourself some time to take it all in xx Jo
Member

Re: Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

Hello Linda_1963

 

Welcome to the forums.  I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, the first few weeks are always difficult when coming to terms with your diagnosis and treatment.
As well as the support you will receive on the forums you might find it helpful to order the BCC resources pack. It has been specifically designed for those newly diagnosed and contains information to help you understand your diagnosis, test results and the various treatments available. If you would like to order a copy just follow the link bellow:-

https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/information-support/publication/primary-breast-cancer-resource-p...

 

You may also like to talk things through with one of the helpline staff, they are there to offer emotional support as well as provide information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and lines are open 9-5 Monday to Friday and 10-2 Saturday.

 

Best wishes

June, moderator

Member

Diagnosed Friday invasive ductal 1cm grade 3 - scared stiff!

I was diagnosed last Friday after being told the previous week my lump was probably cancerous and have just met today with my lovely breast cancer care nurse. I am being admitted for WLE and SLB on Tuesday (22nd) and know that I will have 3 weeks radiotherapy further down the line. She mentioned today that I will probably also have chemo as the tumour is a fast moving type. I was feeling pretty positive and together but for some reason, I have now kind of fallen apart! I feel pathetic because I've cried all afternoon and feel really scared and low - I know this is probably normal and tomorrow I may well be back on the positive bus but today I am not coping too well. I hope I've done this ok cos I have never posted on any kind of forum before but then again, I've never been in this situation before either! I have a lovely supportive family and friends but I could really use some input from people in the same boat.

 

Thanks xxx