Dear MM,
Hello, and welcome to the club that nobody wants to join. I imagine most of the women who come on here haven't written to forums before either, but sometimes we need to let out a cry to people who will really understand. You'll be feeling really battered at the moment, and the diagnosis will be racing around in your head, many of us find the wee small hours the worst, as we can try to keep busy in the daytime. Like many others, I have very tidy drawers and cupboards, and the charity shops were nearly filled to overflowing with all the bags of 'stuff' I took down there. It all helps to keep those awful thoughts at bay!
You'll probably find that some people on here will have had a similar diagnosis to you, and we've all had that awful time of having tests, waiting for results - which seems endless sometimes, and then been told the crushing news we couldn't quite believe could be true, but suddenly was. The bad film you mention sums it up well.
I haven't had exactly the same as you, but had cancer in my right breast and 3 lumpectomies 5 years ago, and a totally different cancer in my left breast this year and had a mastectomy following lobular cancer on 12th June.
I was given the diagnosis on the Tuesday following our weekend away for my husband's 70th birthday, and 3 days before a family long weekend celebration on a hired boat on a canal; I really didn't feel like having a cosy family time as I was so upset but didn't want to spoil it for everyone. But by the time the Friday morningwhen we were to set off came I was calmer, and all seemed to go well; I happened to be alone with my 2 sons at one stage, as we drifted lazily along the canal, and took the opportunity to tell them my news calmly and saying I didn't want any fuss made about it, I just needed to get on with it. They both gave me a hug and it wasn't mentioned again all weekend, but I felt content I'd told them.
That might not have been right for everybody, but it was for us; maybe you'll be able to tell your family on holiday or maybe you'll leave it till the end - whatever seems right at the time for you will be the right thing.
I'm a bit like you, healthy diet, don't smoke, keep reasonably fit (don't do the running like you though!), but it can happen to anyone - a lottery with a horrible prize! You're absolutely right, nothing matters except good health. But remember that we're really lucky to be living when we do, with all the treatments on offer, and in a part of the world where we can have these treatments. Results are far better than they were even a few years ago, and the chances of being healthy after its all over are so good.
Try to stay off the internet apart from this forum and BCC website; so much on the internet is out of date and can be very frightening. It's also a good idea to stay on this section of the forums for now as it's best to take small steps and not imagine treatments and effects on you until the time comes. Come on the forum for information, useful tips and to shout or moan as much as you need to - everybody can understand what you're going through - there's marvellous support here. If you need to talk to someone, the helpline people are fantastic; when I needed to talk to somebody other than my lovely husband, who has been marvellous, I phoned up, and the knowledgeable, friendly lady listened and spoke calmly and as though we had all the time in the world, and it helped me a great deal. Have a look at the leaflets available on the BCC website and send for those you would like - they are all free of charge, and very clearly written.
Take care, gentle hugs, Jo x
