january is a rubbish month me - i have a little idea what it can feel like. reading the above tells me that we are not alone in feeling so - maybe sometiems it is 'job of the month' to deal with how rubbish it can be.
Take care j x
hi, glad you are back. Its so hard dealing with depression and suicide issues, I know from personal experience on my husbands. Hope you continue to work through things andpost and vent here as much as you like.
Yes, Jax, that is exactly the fear, the "everyday fear that this horrid cancer will return". I still struggle to say the C word - as much as the breast awareness month of October irritates me, I always preface the C word with 'breast' (as if somehow breast cancer was not something serious) while at the same time also urging everyone to take my fears that it may return seriously. I was diagnosed in December 2007 so I am about to go into my first year post treatment, as I understand the year 2008 was for you Jax. I am so sorry to hear that 2008 was not the year you had planned but I do sincerely hope that your op in 2009 proves successful and that you are able to carry out some of those activities that you had planned to do earlier but, unfortunately, had to cancel.
Thank you, again, to you all for encouraging me to continue to post - I may have over-reacted when I decided to abandon the forums a few months ago but I was just not strong enough to speak my mind publically at the time, never mind being upset at the prospect of inadvertenly upsetting other people who had their own worries with which to contend.
I just hope that I will see my brother this year - and that he is well - and that we will all live "happily ever after", as the fairy tales always promises.
I could not help but post on this trhead, and thank you for your honesty Naz. This has been a crap year for me, too, and I thought it would be so different! I was diagnosed Jan 07, triple neg large tumour with heavy node involement and poor prognosis. Mast, chemo and rads, then I asked for reconstruction, only to be denied by my surgeon TWICE as he didn't think it worth it!
So in 2008 I set out to enjoy life, booked hols, theatre trips, concerts etc. In Feb had severe head pains, so worried about cancer return. Not this time In March suffered such severe back pain no amount of morphine could help. More tests, still not cancer but spine knackered, I feel sure due to chemo as I had NO sign of probs a year earlier on bone scan. Had surgery, and was better for 12 weeks until pain returned. In the meantime, onc worried about liver blood results, so had liver scan, but no secondaries. Then bone blood results showed high calcium levels, so CT scan, and still no secondaries. I know I should be rejoicing in that fact, and believe me, I am, but whole year has been one of pain and fear. Everything had to be cancelled as unable to sit, stand or walk without severe pain. I watched Divas on TV and loved the singing, but kept crying when women spoke of their experience with breast cancer and how they got their life back after, and I was jealous because I never have!! How childish is that?! Life is pants and looks like it will continue that way into 2009 as I wait for another op. Ah well, maybe, just maybe, things will get better?
Thank you to all of you who post regularly, and give such inspiration and advice, and it just reminds us that we are never alone, even if we can't talk to our families about our everyday fear that this horrid cancer will return.
Best wishes to you all,
I have just seen this post as I have been busy traveling up north to be with my family. I am a regular poster and it always amuses me how some of the threads get a bit arsy and clicky. Please dont ever be put of posting because for every one not so nice remark there will be loads of nice posters who will come along and lift you. I hope I have never upset anyone, if I have I apologize now as it has never been my intention.
Hope you are feeling better and I really hope I can be of some use to you in the future.
Thank you, everyone, for all your wise words and kind wishes. I was feeling particularly low when I posted originally and although I still feel vulnerable now (and especially short tempered) I also know that this will pass - I just get exhausted by my own erratic mood swings.
Unfortunately, I seem to have recaptured my taste for alcohol - mostly red wine - which I don't think is helping my moods very much!
I remember when you went off line and wrote to you. Glad you are back on here and using it for what it was designed for , to help people by sharing and offering support. I get very upset when people feel pushed out by bullies or people who post when in the wrong frame of mind. We all have Bc and I think that is quite enough to deal with on its own.
We are all more vulnerable at certain times and I am sorry to hear that yours is right now, probably made harder by the festivities around Christmas time. Hoping that some of your worries will settle a little soon, so that you don't feel so sad
Big hugs from all of us
Welcome back Naz, just speak your mind.
I found a lump this time last year and boy did I have no idea where that little thing would take me and what a mountain it would turn out to be, just had Christmas with my Mum and Nan and all of us are post surgery, on some set of nasty drugs and generally in a beaten up state. I hope you'll join us in hoping that things just get better from here on out.
lots of love
PS: Want some chocolate. I hear it cheers you up and I have far too much.
Please do not ever stop posting because of others.
You must feel free to be able to say whatever you are feeling, you are having a terrible time at the moment and my heart goes out to you.
Please take your friend's offers and e-mail them....it helps to talk, I will PM you.
Hope today is better for you - as Anna and Bobbie said - you know where we are so do call or email us.
take care Jen xx
Naz - I hope you have taken up the offers from people on this site who obviously know you and care for you. They wouldn't post replies here if they didn't care. I know it is difficult to phone someone to ask for help or to cry down the phone or turn up at their house at especially at christmas but the offers are there so take those offers up.
It sounds as if you have had a really awful time in your non-bc world (understatement - I know) and your bc world but you shouldn't feel intimidated to post and remember if you are offended by what someone has written, there is the 'report post' button and I would urge you to do that.
We are all individuals and will have our own opinions and that is both the beauty and the downfall of forums. People will hold totally opposing views which they should be able to express but posts should not be written in a way that is offensive or makes anyone feel belittled or foolish. I'm really sorry you have felt unable to post because of something that happened on site and I hope if it happens again, you do report it. Please post again or PM/text/email these people who have offered their support and I really hope you can get some comfort and support.
I don't know you or even remember seeing any of your posts but my heart went out to you reading your post and just wanted to add my support to you.
Dont ever stop posting...............there is often a bun fight going on somewhere be it here or somewhere else. But there are always lovely ladies who are supportive and listening. I always value others opinions and advice even if very different to my own ideas.
Life is cr.p sometimes.........big hug to you. Off to burn the sprouts........
On this site we should debate like the adults we are! We are all different with different diagnosis and hopes and fears....every Christmas most of us change due to personal cicumstances, possibbly this year due to " ours"...All we can do is life each day to the full................................................
Hi Naz Just bumping up what Anna says, have e mailed you . You know we are here for you. Breast friends and all that Love Bobbiex Pick up the bl/dy phone
All the best Naz,
As Sparkler says never give up posting because of others.
Some threads do get nasty so I avoid them and if I want to make a point or say something to the person I opt out and do a pm, then neither I nor my comments get torn apart.
Like you I have just been going through the anniversary of 'finding the lump' scans etc etc etc .and this time lat year had returned from hospital having had a mastectomy. It can be such a difficult time can't it.
I found that I got caught out at the most unexpected times and yes there were tears again, times of sadness and thoughts.
All pretty normal I expect and if like in your case there are also other situations that you have to deal with then it must be really difficult. Sounds as though you have a good friend there in Anna, hope you can take her up on the offer
Take care Naz
lots of love
Naz if you need me im here and never ever forget that, seriously we are at home all over christmas and i know you find it hard to talk but i have food and booze and a bloody good listening ear!!!!!
Ive been meaning to get in touch for months, and youve got my number but i will def text you before i go to bed!!!1
Anna x x
You should never stop posting because of 'others'
Just want you to know I am thinking about you - I know its not much but its all I can do
It sounds like you're having a difficult time at the moment. If you think it might help to talk things through please remember the helpline is there for you to use. You are able to share your feelings and concerns with one of our trained members of staff, who will be happy to offer you a listening ear as well as support and information. The number to call is free phone 0808 800 6000 and the following gives you information on when the lines are open over Christmas.
Christmas Day: Closed
Boxing Day: Closed
December 27th: Open as usual (9am,-2pm)
New Years Eve: 9am -2pm
New Year's Day: Closed
I hope you find this helpful.
I gave up posting on these forums several months ago when I became embroiled in a fracas revolving around HER2 and Triple Negative breast cancer. It is, however, not only the anniversary of my diagnosis - grade 3, multifocal IDC - but also the anniversary of the return of my brother's depression and of my maternal aunt's suicide. This has indeed been a difficult year - my partner was also made redundant this year and my mother has also recently been told she has gangrene because of her diabetes - I was obviously spawned from a healthy gene pool - and I am in tears with the upset of everything but I just needed to post a few words outlining how I feel. I don't expect - or want - a response but I do need to just write. Please excuse me if I lose my mind over the next few days but please also just allow me to 'be' so that I can express myself.
Best wishes, love Naz