I am not normally prone to outpourings of emotion but everything is getting on top of me today.
It started yesterday when I had to go to the lymphoedema clinic, which is based at our local Hospice. If that was not bad enough (seeing all the people at end game) this is where my mum was before she died of bc secondaries in 1994. It has brought everything back and the memories of how my dad and I spent time together just before she died have been particularly difficult to bear as he too died on 30/12/10 just 10 days after my WLE.
It is my birthday on Sunday and OH & I are spending the weekend in Kingston-upon-Thames, something we have both been looking forward to as it is the first “normal” time we have had since December. But the weather is going to be crap and we have actually looked to see what is on at the cinema for something to do!
I look horrible, no hair, eyebrows or eyelashes, don’t want to wear my wig in case it gets wet but hate the thought of advertising my cancer by wearing scarves. My legs, feet and fingers really ache and I can’t walk very far without really knocking myself out, the lymphoedema is getting worse and have to wear that horrible sleeve all the time. I start Rads on Monday and this is also playing heavily on my mind.
I know I am more fortunate than others with my diagnosis but I just can’t see anything to be positive about, I just feel that my life has been ruined, trapped inside a body I hate and I have lost the person that I used to be.
Oh Daisy girl, reading ur post made me want to just come & give u a great big hug. U don’t sound pathetic, pls don’t think that. U’ve had a hell of lot chucked at u & ur bound to feel like this at times. I’m only just starting out on this horrendous journey but some of the other ladies at the same place as u will know exactly how u feel. Ur probably still grieving for ur dad as well, it takes time to get over something like that. Everything sounds like it’s getting on top of u, maybe a chat with ur GP would help, if not then u know that everyone is here is always here for u & to listen.
Take care
love Heather x
Oh DaisyGirl, like Heather I want to give you a hug. I am so sorry you lost your mum and your dad. Have your hospital offered you any counselling? I know it is not for everyone but it might help, not just with the BC but with dealing with your bereavement too.
With regards to your wig issue, would you feel any better wearing hats? I was never a fan of headscarves either but feel okay in some hats. There is a thread in the “helpful and interesting” section that has recently been bumped, I started it a while ago and it’s called Appearance & Looking Good. There are lots of nice tips on there about doing your eyes etc, it’s just little things but it might help make you feel a little bit better.
I hope you manage to have a nice weekend and get some enjoyment out of your birthday. And as Heather says, there are plenty of people on here to help support you so do keep posting. Very best wishes to you xxxx
Not in the least bit pathetic. This is the unglamorous side of cancer that nobody tells you about beforehand…
Given your timing your probably nearing the end of active treatment (unless you’re into Herceptin as well) and may just be relying on a daily pill that gives you hot flushes and mood swings. With all the other negative changes you’ve been through there’s no wonder you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, so if you need to have a bit of a blub, go right ahead.
Have you read the article by Dr Peter Harvey about what happens when active treatment comes to an end? It would be worth a read, you may find something in there that you can really relate to. Google +“Dr Peter Harvey” +cancer +counselling and you’ll find it easily.
Or give the helpline a ring just to help you get it all out. I find I feel a lot better once I’ve put my feelings into words, as that kind of helps put some boundaries on them.
And I hope you have a happy birthday on Sunday, whatever the weather. The new Harry Potter film is out so there’s a definite suggestion for something to watch if you do go to the pictures.
Daisy - don’t feel bad - we all have days like that. Only my OH (and occasionally the kids) see me like that. Everyone else sees me put on a brave face and tells me how “well and brave I am” grrrr. I’m not well and I ain’t brave. This horrible disease and the treatments are all a crock of sh*t.
No-one said it was going to be easy and it’s even worse than that. But everyone on here knows JUST how you are feeling and we are here for you.
Thank you all for being here and taking the trouble to read my post.
My worst fear has always been that I would end up like my mum and now here I am. And with everything else that has been going on I don’t think I have even started to grieve for my dad. It is being made worse because the day I went in for my op my dad changed his will and made my BiL sole executor and trustee of his will and this is causing some problems. My sister and I are the only and equal beneficiaries but they are running roughshod over my rights and I have had to get a solicitor involved. One of the consequences of this is that I have no idea where my dad’s ashes are and this made Fathers Day very difficult.
I have 18 rads and then 5 yrs of Tamoxefen/Aromatase inhibitors with all the SEs this brings and it just all seems so overwhelming and I have no idea how I am going to cope with it all. I tend to bottle things up and have spent the best part of the last 6 months being brave and positive and I think yesterday at the Hospice caused the dam to burst and it has all come gushing out.
Sallieannie - thanks for the suggestion of hats, I have some but did not think to take them, it won’t be too hot so will be OK in the day. I even bought one of those little clip on fringes but never got round to doing anything with it, perhaps I could staple it to my head!
Choccie - thanks for reminding me about the article by Dr Peter Harvey. I have read some of it and found it really helpful and think I will look at the rest of it today. The Hangover is our favourite modern film and if it is still on I think we will go to see Hanger 2, OH is not a big Harry Potter fan.
I feel better already, thank you all again for being here, only people in our situation can truly understand.
Hope your weekend is going well despite the weather, sometimes just not being at home can be relaxing!
I just had to make a wee comment on your thread as so much of it was familiar. I recognise the fear of having the same disease that your mum died from. And the terrible sadness of losing your dad whilst dealing with your own illness. I want you to know there is someone here who understands. That’s all really. Hope you feel better soon.X
hi, everything seems to come at the same time doesnt it? its so difficult but I find if I just take each day as it comes I can cope a bit better,
some days I feel very low, and then I can get up the next day and feel ok, really weird,
listen to your body and dont push yourself or expect too much from yourself,
best wishes Liz xxx
Aww sweetie, you have been through a terrible time, so its “allowed” and “normal” to have off days or weeks. I am not surprised that you felt down after going somewhere with saw raw memories of how you last saw your lovely mum.
I hope you and your OH manage to have a lovely time even if the weather is being pants.
I just wanted to thank you all again for your lovely words of support which helped me through a bit of a rough time.
The weather held up on Friday and we sat by the river in the sun with a glass of wine and then had a lovely meal in the vegetarian. We did get caught in the down poor on Saturday and I fell asleep whilst OH watched the golf in the afternoon. Had another lovely meal in the evening at the gluten free Italian, my best birthday present was being able to taste the food after 4 months of chemo!
Not the best birthday I have ever had but not nearly as bad as my bleak thoughts had conjured up, thanks again to you all.
Really pleased you had some good moments on your birthday. So much emotion goes into birthdays and coping with family pressures that it’s not surprising we “go under” sometimes with BC as well to cope with - we are “normal” and can’t be strong and inspirational all the time… and others on this site know how we feel. Need sun to shine today as hospital have mucked up my tooth extraction appt and it needed to fit in around chemo cycle - grrrrr (I’ve already sent in a complaint to maxillofacial and sense another one coming along to calm down my outpouring of emotion…)
Fran
x
Hi Fran - I hope you get your tooth sorted soon, it must have been awful to have it messed up like that, trying to deal with chemo is bad enough without having to face having a tooth out, my stressomitor would have blown up!
Hi Norberte - I hope you are feeling better too now, when I saw your post I knew exactly how you were feeling and wanted to let you know you were not alone. It makes a big difference to know that when you are at your lowest the lovelies on this site are here for you.
I think what happens is we all bumble along putting on a brave face and dealing with what is being chucked at us and the suddenly one, seemingly minor, thing smacks us in the head and the fragile wall we have built round us just collapses, not a pretty sight when it happens to me!
I know what you mean about the Hospice, they were brilliant with my mum but ultimately this is where people go to die, they do run clinics in the local Dr’s surgeries too and I think I will explain to them that I find it to difficult going to Margate and get an appointment somewhere else.
Hi Daisygirl
I’m sorry but I couldn’t help but sympathise with you. I too was dx shortly after my dad died. I was so close to him and didn’t have time to grieve before my dx.
It’s so hard when you’re 1st dx and are struggling to come to terms with it. Your head is all over the place. But it will get better and you will find time to grieve.