Fear and anxiety

[JustBee]

These posts have helped me a lot. Thank you everybody for showing me that I'm not the only one making a slow recovery. I coped with the op, the chemo and the rads and was ready to get my life back but had a big shock at the side effects of meds and the scarey feelings I've had since finishing rads at the end of Jan. I worry about a return and also feel that it is time I moved on so don't talk much to family or friends about how tired, how worried I am. I am worst at bedtime - dog tired and then mu mind starts whirring with fear of secondaries. I am so annoyed as I would just like to appreciate that I'm here without the nagging worry. I have had a ' satisfactory ' mammo - why not clear? But it is the aches in joints and breathlessness that scares me in the deep of the night. Hope we all learn to live with this awful feeling.

[amd66]

hey Daniela, i hope you feel a bit better today, it might help to look at other posts of worried about cancer returning. remember we are all different, a lot of us are told its been caught early, mine was grade 3. I dont think about it returning, it must be in my head somewhere. but i dont dwell on it, 

take care and lots of love

Amd xx

[Lucy_BCC]

Hi

 I wondered whether any of you in this thread might find the BCC 'Moving forward' information helpful,  you can read about the services and information we can offer you here:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/moving-forward?utm_source=Homepage&%3Butm_medium=help_you&%3Butm_...

Best wishes

Lucy

[nic1970]

Whimp. Hell no. Look where u are now to treatment. I relate no matter if some says it I don't believe it. Challenges every day in it. Lost my care free attitude. Stressed and react most of time. People say don't worry. Ur like try walk in my shoes in it.

[nic1970]

I feel like this. Wish they told me this was going to be life at the beginning. This experience is the pits more info I needed hate being unprepared. Herceptin finished in June. Tamoxifen is horrendous feel like a 90 year old with joint and shoulder pains. Was really mobile after surgery. Since chemo radio it's been bad. Reaction after reaction side affects after side affects. Just had my first mammogram ouch ouch. Patiently await results.

[danielafederic]

Hi, I am only 43, and I am absolutely shattered. Some days are ok, but the thought of recurrence or worse secondary never leaves me. Today it is six months since my diagnosis. I have had two lumpectomies, in the second one they found two microscopic foci of invasive lobular carcinoma which had  spread to one limph gland, so I had adjuvant chemotherapy (six cycles, EC and Taxol) and a mastectomy with LD flap reconstruction -I wanted conservative surgery- as the surgeon said that recurrence behind the nipple is frequent, and will have the healthy breast removed as well. Surgeon and oncologist said I am going to be fine, cancer was caught early, and it being hormone positive is "good news", I will be on tamoxifen... but there are days when I wonder if I will ever see my daughter and son graduate, they are only 8 and 9, I wanted a preventative mastecomy and asked to have one in November 2011, and the surgeon said there weren't enough benefits.

4 March 2013, the diagnosis. Yesterday I read this article, posted by some scaremonger on this website, saying that all this optimistic thing about prevention, catching cancer early and so on was rubbish, as the author's friend, who had a similar cancer history to mine and similar treatment, was diagnosed with secondary cancer in her liver FOUR months after having been told she was going to be alright... So I spent yesterday preparing myself for the worst, crying at times, I just found love again after years in an unhappy marriage, have two young children whom I love more than words can say, have finally finished my degree last year, after years of putting it off for everybody elses's needs... Today the sun is shining, I am going for a walk and hopefully the sun will make me feel better. Does it ever go away?

[Guest user]

It is so good to read posts that assure me I am not going mad, that I am not paranoid, that I am not a hypochondriac and that Idon't just need to get over it and put it behind me.  Or at least if I am like that I am not the only one!

I no longer have a headache, I have brain mets, a sore stomach is stomach cancer, aches in joints which I think are herceptin could be bone mets......the list is endless.

I hope the truth is that the mx the chemo and herceptin will do their job and I can stop worrying (yeah right) - and I do now get the odd day where I dont think about it.  Other days I play mind games to tell myself to stop worrying.  I think I will panic when I am signed off, yet that should be a milestone and a celebration, surely?

I have used NLP and CBT to gain control of my thoughts and to some effect, I think.  I started this as a needle phobic and am leaving it able to inject myself - RESULT! I now try to list the wonderful things I see and feel everyday to remind me what it was all for.

Yes there is fear of the future - but I cant control that one.  Yes I get anxious but I can find ways to manage that.  I did all this to have a future - and I intend to enjoy it!  Thesupport of this forum is invaluable to know I am not alone in these feelings, it keeps it in proportion.

It is post traumatic, post means it is OVER!

Strength in numbers

Hugs

Kahren

[Guest user]

2010 was my year for lumpectomy then removal of lymph nodes. Chemo then radiotherapy followed. Next week I have my 3 year oncology appt which will sign me off. I feel sick the minute I walk through the door, and have a needle phobia now. Everyone seems to think I should be through all this by now, but still there are those crying fits. Manage to keep them a secret and they are reducing.
I am trying to help a friend through chemo for a different type of cancer, but brings it all back for me. I don't think she is going to make it so trying to brace myself.
Ashamed that I am such a wimp.
Guess we are all suffering the same post traumatic stress.

[Guest user]

Dont worry youre not alone i have days like those i cry im miserable i find ihave to have a drink to cope butits all part of the process

[susanmary]

Its helped to read your posts and truly hope I am just being anxious but I have started thinking that its back. I have  not even reached a year after diagnosis and still having herceptin. I have had pain in both my groins for the past two weeks and its getting worse especially at night even though I have started taking painkillers. I found a lump in my armpit about 6 weeks ago and the medical team said its not cancer and will just keep an eye on it. Now I have found a couple of lumps in my breast , under my lumpectomy scar, but  am I imagining them or is it just scar tissue

Oh gosh I don't know what to do. Can it come back even though I am still having treatment?

[Lambkin36]

I have been looking at this forum many times over the past couple of years but have never posted until now. I was diagnosed July 2011 and had lumpectomy, node clearance, another op and then chemo and rads. I feel really well now, but get very dark days when I feel overwhelmed. This diagnosis changes you and it is very hard . But life is sweet.I find that I get used to worrying , any little pain is something to worry about. You just got to believe and hang on in there.

[amd66]

Thanks Helen, i think i know the article you mean, so will find it again. will pm you so this is not just all about me. Ax

[Scaredy_Cat]

Hi Anne,

I'm no HR whizz kid but before you see your boss next week I would definitely contact your area ACAS office or your local CAB.  You don't say if your boss is male or female.  A female boss may have a little more empathy than a male one.  Also, when you go and see your boss take a trusted colleage or a friend who has been supporting you through the cancer in with you or if you are in a union take your union rep in with you.  It may sound a bit melodramatic but you may need someone who can back you up about what is said during the meeting.

For your self, I would try and write down how you are feeling both physically and mentally - even if it's just in note form.  I did a similar thing for my counsellor and I found it really helped.  A friend of mine who is recovering from mouth cancer sent me an extract from a paper published by Dr Peter Harvey, Clinical Psychologist at Leeds Teaching Hospital which puts into words how I was feeling and I keep refering back to it when I'm feeling particularly low.

I hope I have helped a little.  Also, I'm going to send you a friend request so if you are interested in reading it I can e-mail it to you.

Lots of hugs and love,

Helen xx

[amd66]

Hi scaredy cat and helen, as u say its nice not to feel youre alone, I finished in mar and am getting used to a different me, dont think I am used to it bt learning very slowly to accept it, had bit of annoying email from bosd, am in school part time hwo good days shud be more than bad but I feel its the same , like I have to explain its different now , wants a chat nxt week , dont know how to explain xx Anne

[catseye]

Me too! Although it's sad to hear other people are struggling, it does help to know it's not just me. Finished treatment a year ago, and I have days when I look at a beautiful sunset and think how wonderful it is being well now and really try to take pleasure from small, simple things. Other days I see at my scar and radiotherapy tattoos as constant reminders, I have pains in my breast, tiredness and flushes and all the other lovely things tamoxifen gives us and think "this is never going to leave me - my life has changed forever and I don't like it!" I don't share these thoughts with friends and family either. I'm determined that one day I'll realise these thoughts have gone, and hope it's going to be soon. I am finding far more good days than bad now and hope this will soon be the case for everyone else too.

[Scaredy_Cat]

Hi everyone,

I still suffer with anxiety but with the help of a lovely counsellor it is getting better.  I would say to anyone with these feelings that they should definitely go and see a counsellor.  I still have good days and bad days which are now getting fewer.  I did have a really bad day last Thurs.  Unfortunately,  I was in hospital for some tests as I had some rectal bleeding and the ward I was on was the same ward I was in after having my mastectomy and lymph node clearance.  Seeing some ladies come onto that ward for breast surgery as Thurs is the day for breast ops brought all the bad feelings back.  Luckily, I saw my counsellor two days ago and she helped put things back into perspective.

It does help to know that you're not alone.  I'm sending lots of hugs and warm wishes to you all.

Helen xxxx

[Guest user]

Thank you so much to all who posted. It really helps to know I am not alone. I too find it hard to talk to my husband and close friends about it as I don't want to worry them. Thank goodness You all understand and I can be honest. It is a relief! Having a better day to day and going to get my hair done ( thanks god its back even if I do look like Dolly the sheep before the hairdresser sorts it out!). Hope you all have a good day too. :))

[Guest user]

Looking at the comments makes me feel a little easier that I am not necessarily in the minority of women that sometimes feel like they are going crazy about what the future may hold for them.  Like most of you, most of the time I lead the most normal life I can 15 months on from my treatment, but have moments of complete sadness and feelings of loss almost that I will not survive into old age.  I dont share with my husband or my grown children as it all seems too depressing for them and they are just glad that it is all over for me and they just want to move on and forget.... so do I.....:

[Guest user]

Hi i totaly understand i am 2 years now from my treatment of breast cancer 2 lumpectomies and 1 mastectomy. I had a dream no nitemare my teeth fell out at the side went to dentist they said i had mouth cancer woke up full of anxiety . Most days i am positive but i have days where i am totally scared i get secondary cancer .

[Cherryred]

Moira - Even 10 years on I still suffer episodes where I am paralysed by the fear and anxiety. I know certain dates or situations will trigger a near panic attack eg, mammograms, review dates, even certain smells or seasons can evoke negative thoughts and emotions.

I don't have any magic solutions (or I would be using them myself!), but I've just come to accept that my fear is the result of having my life threatened and the acute awareness that it could happen again. I don't think we are any different from anyone who has suffered a life threatening/changing event. The fear and panic is all part of the 'new normal'. It gets better over time but never completely disappears.

[happygolucky]

Hiya , reading this it just reminded me of me , i was diagnosed in sept 2011 , had lumpectomy and nodes , had 6 months of chemo and herceptin and radiotherapy , Some days i even forget what i have been through , then it hits me like a ton of bricks , i get this feeling of dread its awful i get sweaty and think oh my god .then i tell myself off for doing it to myself .But i then tell myself i cannot do this , why worry about something that hasnt happened , and if it did then i would fight the bugger again .xxxx

[Guest user]

Hi Moira ,

                    I also suffered(and continue to) in the way you described and have been given counselling through macmillan.Ring up your breast care nurse and see if there is a scheme in your area as it has been a revelation to me and i am now off the anti depressants and slowly getting there:)Hope you are having a better day today x

[Guest user]

i have have the same negative feelings  sometimes  especially when you hear of people you have been in hospital and they have got secondary cancer i get paranoid at time but i am sure my doctor must  be sick of me going to him frightened that it has come back but he is so sweet and reassuring and tells me it is only natural that you get scared at times but i have great support from a group i joined after i had had my op it is called Mosaic and it is aftercare for people like us and they have speakers about all different subject it take your mind of what you have gone through and you meet up with women who have gone through it and it does help to talk  to yur fellow peers and how it affects you

[Guest user]

Hi Moira, no you are not the only one living with fear and anxiety! I had my surgery in 2009, and a mastectomy in 2010, and still get convinced that I am going to get a recurrence. I have had some counselling and have been reassured that this is perfectly normal. I think if you have suffered traumas in the past, then any new trauma reawakens the old one. Check back and see if you can identify old fears raising their heads in this new circumstance. It does get easier though, when you have to spend less time in hospital etc. I hope this helps? Good luck, Ania

[Guest user]

OMG am I the only one who usually is ok but every now and then am crippled with fear and anxiety? Woke up dreaming I had found a large lump in my abdominal and was inconsolable . Also find myself thinking I won't be around for retirement (only 54) and hate these negative thoughts. Have mostly good days but today one of those awful ones :((