hey Daniela, i hope you feel a bit better today, it might help to look at other posts of worried about cancer returning. remember we are all different, a lot of us are told its been caught early, mine was grade 3. I dont think about it returning, it must be in my head somewhere. but i dont dwell on it,
take care and lots of love
I wondered whether any of you in this thread might find the BCC 'Moving forward' information helpful, you can read about the services and information we can offer you here:
Hi, I am only 43, and I am absolutely shattered. Some days are ok, but the thought of recurrence or worse secondary never leaves me. Today it is six months since my diagnosis. I have had two lumpectomies, in the second one they found two microscopic foci of invasive lobular carcinoma which had spread to one limph gland, so I had adjuvant chemotherapy (six cycles, EC and Taxol) and a mastectomy with LD flap reconstruction -I wanted conservative surgery- as the surgeon said that recurrence behind the nipple is frequent, and will have the healthy breast removed as well. Surgeon and oncologist said I am going to be fine, cancer was caught early, and it being hormone positive is "good news", I will be on tamoxifen... but there are days when I wonder if I will ever see my daughter and son graduate, they are only 8 and 9, I wanted a preventative mastecomy and asked to have one in November 2011, and the surgeon said there weren't enough benefits.
4 March 2013, the diagnosis. Yesterday I read this article, posted by some scaremonger on this website, saying that all this optimistic thing about prevention, catching cancer early and so on was rubbish, as the author's friend, who had a similar cancer history to mine and similar treatment, was diagnosed with secondary cancer in her liver FOUR months after having been told she was going to be alright... So I spent yesterday preparing myself for the worst, crying at times, I just found love again after years in an unhappy marriage, have two young children whom I love more than words can say, have finally finished my degree last year, after years of putting it off for everybody elses's needs... Today the sun is shining, I am going for a walk and hopefully the sun will make me feel better. Does it ever go away?
It is so good to read posts that assure me I am not going mad, that I am not paranoid, that I am not a hypochondriac and that Idon't just need to get over it and put it behind me. Or at least if I am like that I am not the only one!
I no longer have a headache, I have brain mets, a sore stomach is stomach cancer, aches in joints which I think are herceptin could be bone mets......the list is endless.
I hope the truth is that the mx the chemo and herceptin will do their job and I can stop worrying (yeah right) - and I do now get the odd day where I dont think about it. Other days I play mind games to tell myself to stop worrying. I think I will panic when I am signed off, yet that should be a milestone and a celebration, surely?
I have used NLP and CBT to gain control of my thoughts and to some effect, I think. I started this as a needle phobic and am leaving it able to inject myself - RESULT! I now try to list the wonderful things I see and feel everyday to remind me what it was all for.
Yes there is fear of the future - but I cant control that one. Yes I get anxious but I can find ways to manage that. I did all this to have a future - and I intend to enjoy it! Thesupport of this forum is invaluable to know I am not alone in these feelings, it keeps it in proportion.
It is post traumatic, post means it is OVER!
Strength in numbers
Its helped to read your posts and truly hope I am just being anxious but I have started thinking that its back. I have not even reached a year after diagnosis and still having herceptin. I have had pain in both my groins for the past two weeks and its getting worse especially at night even though I have started taking painkillers. I found a lump in my armpit about 6 weeks ago and the medical team said its not cancer and will just keep an eye on it. Now I have found a couple of lumps in my breast , under my lumpectomy scar, but am I imagining them or is it just scar tissue
Oh gosh I don't know what to do. Can it come back even though I am still having treatment?
I'm no HR whizz kid but before you see your boss next week I would definitely contact your area ACAS office or your local CAB. You don't say if your boss is male or female. A female boss may have a little more empathy than a male one. Also, when you go and see your boss take a trusted colleage or a friend who has been supporting you through the cancer in with you or if you are in a union take your union rep in with you. It may sound a bit melodramatic but you may need someone who can back you up about what is said during the meeting.
For your self, I would try and write down how you are feeling both physically and mentally - even if it's just in note form. I did a similar thing for my counsellor and I found it really helped. A friend of mine who is recovering from mouth cancer sent me an extract from a paper published by Dr Peter Harvey, Clinical Psychologist at Leeds Teaching Hospital which puts into words how I was feeling and I keep refering back to it when I'm feeling particularly low.
I hope I have helped a little. Also, I'm going to send you a friend request so if you are interested in reading it I can e-mail it to you.
Lots of hugs and love,
Me too! Although it's sad to hear other people are struggling, it does help to know it's not just me. Finished treatment a year ago, and I have days when I look at a beautiful sunset and think how wonderful it is being well now and really try to take pleasure from small, simple things. Other days I see at my scar and radiotherapy tattoos as constant reminders, I have pains in my breast, tiredness and flushes and all the other lovely things tamoxifen gives us and think "this is never going to leave me - my life has changed forever and I don't like it!" I don't share these thoughts with friends and family either. I'm determined that one day I'll realise these thoughts have gone, and hope it's going to be soon. I am finding far more good days than bad now and hope this will soon be the case for everyone else too.
I still suffer with anxiety but with the help of a lovely counsellor it is getting better. I would say to anyone with these feelings that they should definitely go and see a counsellor. I still have good days and bad days which are now getting fewer. I did have a really bad day last Thurs. Unfortunately, I was in hospital for some tests as I had some rectal bleeding and the ward I was on was the same ward I was in after having my mastectomy and lymph node clearance. Seeing some ladies come onto that ward for breast surgery as Thurs is the day for breast ops brought all the bad feelings back. Luckily, I saw my counsellor two days ago and she helped put things back into perspective.
It does help to know that you're not alone. I'm sending lots of hugs and warm wishes to you all.
Looking at the comments makes me feel a little easier that I am not necessarily in the minority of women that sometimes feel like they are going crazy about what the future may hold for them. Like most of you, most of the time I lead the most normal life I can 15 months on from my treatment, but have moments of complete sadness and feelings of loss almost that I will not survive into old age. I dont share with my husband or my grown children as it all seems too depressing for them and they are just glad that it is all over for me and they just want to move on and forget.... so do I.....:
Moira - Even 10 years on I still suffer episodes where I am paralysed by the fear and anxiety. I know certain dates or situations will trigger a near panic attack eg, mammograms, review dates, even certain smells or seasons can evoke negative thoughts and emotions.
I don't have any magic solutions (or I would be using them myself!), but I've just come to accept that my fear is the result of having my life threatened and the acute awareness that it could happen again. I don't think we are any different from anyone who has suffered a life threatening/changing event. The fear and panic is all part of the 'new normal'. It gets better over time but never completely disappears.
Hiya , reading this it just reminded me of me , i was diagnosed in sept 2011 , had lumpectomy and nodes , had 6 months of chemo and herceptin and radiotherapy , Some days i even forget what i have been through , then it hits me like a ton of bricks , i get this feeling of dread its awful i get sweaty and think oh my god .then i tell myself off for doing it to myself .But i then tell myself i cannot do this , why worry about something that hasnt happened , and if it did then i would fight the bugger again .xxxx
Hi Moira ,
I also suffered(and continue to) in the way you described and have been given counselling through macmillan.Ring up your breast care nurse and see if there is a scheme in your area as it has been a revelation to me and i am now off the anti depressants and slowly getting there:)Hope you are having a better day today x
i have have the same negative feelings sometimes especially when you hear of people you have been in hospital and they have got secondary cancer i get paranoid at time but i am sure my doctor must be sick of me going to him frightened that it has come back but he is so sweet and reassuring and tells me it is only natural that you get scared at times but i have great support from a group i joined after i had had my op it is called Mosaic and it is aftercare for people like us and they have speakers about all different subject it take your mind of what you have gone through and you meet up with women who have gone through it and it does help to talk to yur fellow peers and how it affects you