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Feeling angry anyone?

25 REPLIES 25
KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Not sure why the slang for cigarettes would be "bleeped" out - I've clearly not passed the swearing test this evening!
KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Well she replied back saying she'd been referred to the fertility clinic. I clearly was too diplomatic in my response as she didn't seem to get what I was saying. Like I said, she's been diagnosed with cancer (which we all know is totally **bleep**) so I don't want to come across as too critical. I just am amazed at how some people don't see how insensitive what they write on here is - what I'd give for 1 child, let alone 2!

I find it hard not to get cross with people I see out and about, pushing prams, walking their kids to school etc - I'm sure everyone has their own issues, but I can't help but think they have no idea how lucky they are. Especially the ones with **bleep**s hanging out their mouths!! I've never smoked and I'm pretty much t-total these days - yet they have their normal lives, with babies and 2 boobs and long hair.... God I sound pathetic don't I. I need to calm down - it's only Monday for heavens sake!! Sorry for rant girls...

K xx
LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

I love that idea about the badge, I reg feel bad when older peeps are getting on the bus and no-one gives them their seat, I want to say I can't stand because i've had my lymph nodes out and my arms still bad!!!!
LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Marion, so am I! PM me if you want x
Survivor78
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

I totally agree with you there KAM80 - some people just do not realise how lucky they are and if she already has 2 children them why should she be prioritised for IVF on the NHS? She will probably find out that because she has 2 children already, she won't be.

I feel we have the right to judge after what we have been through so don't feel bad! I had an argument with a woman on the tube once who asked me for my seat when I had just finished my treatment and was exhausted. I said no and told her that pregnancy is not an illness. I once saw a lady with an amazing badge saying, "I've survived breast cancer, still standing, please give me a seat! I think the underground should give these out like the baby on board badges! xx
KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Worrying that my anger has got the better of me again - posted earlier on a new thread with a woman asking about NHS funded IVF prior to chemo - when she already has 2 children?! She said she wanted another child and wasn't ready to rule it out. I just don't get this and tried very much to reply in a diplomatic way. Am I wrong for being angry about this? I really hate feeling critical of others in this situation and am not sure it's helpful of me to resent those that already have children and don't know how lucky they are.

K xx
Survivor78
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Marion

Thanks for your message. I also get very angry at TV programmes or newspaper articles about cancer. The thing that gets me the most angry is people who moan about having a cold or flu claiming they feel like they are dying! I seem to have no patience with other people's 'minor' illnesses anymore which is not good in my job! I always want to say (and sometimes I do) - you have no idea what it's like to be seriously unwell!

I can't watch Eastenders anymore due to the Carol situation. It feels like every newspaper you open has a cancer story in it which I also can't handle. I saw a counsellor about this and she said its because its just a constant reminder and brings all your emotions to the forefront again.

Have your work been understanding or have one people showed their ignorance?

L x

KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Marion,

Yes! I find myself getting really emotional at silly things like Eastenders - and as for Call the Midwife, well I can't get through a single episode without blubbing?!? Is not like me at all - again, think it's just an avenue for tension/stress/anger to leave my body.

That's so good that you're going to the Edinburgh forum! LEJ81 has signed up too - you should go together! Not that I'm telling you what to do, just know I feel much happier about signing up now I've been chatting to survivor78. Let us know how it goes ladies!

Take care,

K xx
marion1978
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Ladies,

 

I just wanted to say your stories ring a lot of truths with me. 

The angry and frustration and weight gain and follow-up care and work situations!!!!

I am nearly 2 years post diagnosis and I'm still mentally recovering and I think I always will be.

I'm also going to the younger womens residential in Edinburgh and I'm so looking forward to it.

Has anyone else found themselves more tearful, like at TV and silly stuff?

 

Marion

LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Anytime ladies, sometimes you just need to get it all out and stop putting the 'I'm so happy cause I'm meant to be' face on. KAM80 with the reconstruction, do what's right for you, that's all that matters. 

 

Survivor78 - It's now all about the work/life balance for me, I hope you do take some of your advice and find a balance too. 

 

You guys should def meet up and go to the groups. Strength in numbers and all that! Please let me know how you get on x . 

Survivor78
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi KAM80

It's good to hear that you live in Billericay, not far away and I know Billericay well. I hope you enjoyed your lunch in Leigh. Lets look at the events and sign up together. Maybe we could meet up sometime. I will message you privately with my contact details.

Thanks to you and everyone who has replied to my thread. It really made my week last week.

L xx
KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Survivor78 and LEJ81,

As I've said before, so nice to talk to you both and to find people in the same boat who understand where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling.

LEJ81 - fantastic news about the part time work - should give you some much needed time and space to work out what you want to do and to strike a better work life balance. Good for you!! Thanks for your encouragement with the reconstruction, I really appreciate it. Is a long road ahead, but am hopefully taking steps to enable me to regain some confidence.

Survivor78 - I'm in billericay - not far at all from Leigh! In fact I'm in Leigh tomorrow for a friend's birthday lunch - small world! 🙂 I'd definitely be up for going to some of these events with you - like you say, think it is much less daunting when you go with someone.

It's a shame you're not closer LEJ81, would've been really nice for her three of us to meet up. Like I said ladies, it's really nice to have met you on here and I have really enjoyed chatting to you this week. Let's definitely stay in touch - stronger together!

K xx
Survivor78
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

What a lovely end to the week to read your positive message LEJ81 and I wish you luck in your new part time role. Good for you that you have made this decision. I definitely need to take a leaf out if your book- I'm supposed to promote work life balance in my role but I need to gain some myself! I have a very stressful job and my commute is 2 hours each way! So my working day is very long and I get home at 8pm with no time or energy left! I work from home one day a week which helps but I need to do 2 days a week from home ideally.

KAM80- where do you live? I'm in leigh on sea in Essex and would be happy to check out these events with you if you are nearby? It always helps when you go with someone else! I attended a moving on course through living well and it was very good and helpful.

Lets all keep in touch and thank you all for responding to my thread it means so much to me and has helped me greatly this week x
LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Ladies, just wanted to write and thank you all for your support yesterday. Today I have had a tear free happy day! The first in a couple of weeks. I made a big decision today and I have taken up the offer of a part-time job with a friend and plan to tell my boss I'm leaving on Monday (much sooner than he or I expected). My friend owns her own company had been saying to me for months that she could offer me part-time work, today I swallowed my pride, accepted that it's OK to have a life and I met with her and discussed the possibility of starting with her. I start a week on Monday enough time to finish up at my current place and pull together my handover.

 

I'm going to work part-time for her while I look for a new full time job in the same sector but a different role. Her offices are much closer to my house which means no more commuting in to city centre and more opportunity to actually get to the gym and shift the two stone I gained during chemo. I feel like such a weight has been lifted and that I'm actually doing something to help myself. 

 

I've accepted that it's OK to want a life work balance and that it doesn't mean that I'm not ambitious, it's just that I've got a different type of ambition now. I like, some of you, live in fear that the cancer might come back, and I've made the decision that I'm not prepared to spend anymore of my life (however long or short it may be) apologising or feeling bad about myself for wanting to work less and enjoy more.  I'm not naive enough to think that this will be the end of my dark days completely, I'm sure they will still be there lurking when I least expect them, but at least for today I feel more positive than I have done since I stopped my hospital treatment.

 

KAM80 gutted that your not closer and can't attend, but please, please sign up for one in your area, I'll write back and let you know how I get on after the 8th March. 

 

Think it's great that you are going to the awareness evening, good for you! I hope you get the support and answers to your concerns there and make the right decision for you. Please keep us posted how you get on. 

 

As for the stress - make sure you keep it at bay, work to live and take time for yourself. I'm learning slowly the hard way. 

 

Please stay in touch and I wish you all every happiness - goodness knows we deserve it after what we've gone through. 

 

Lx 

 

 

 

KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi LEJ81,

Oh boo, shame you live so far away, would've been good to be able to attend the forum together. Hope you enjoy it though and that you meet lots of like minded people.

Good luck with your job search too - I think post cancer changes our priorities and makes us see there is so much more to life than work. I have within the last 3 weeks just returned to full time work - I had gradually been building up from 2 to 3 to 4 and eventually now 5 days a week. I'm more tired than I thought I would be - and now that targets/deadlines have been reinstated I'm finding I'm more stressed. Something to keep an eye on.

As for the reconstruction - I'm attending an awareness evening on 4th march to chat to women who have had the operation - hopefully will answer any questions I have. Plus will be nice to meet with women who have been through it.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the forum - let us know how it goes. Keep in touch.

K xx
LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Lizalou, thank you so much for such a positive and inspirational story. Congratulations on your miracle boy! It's nice to hear such a positive story. I did IVF in between surgeries and chemo, but hope that if IVF doesn't prove successful that we will be able to adopt (although I've not looked in to the situation having had cancer and 55% chance of it coming back yet... I've got enough stress!).

 

Surviver78 my work situation is complicated as I was made redundant last year and was taken on by my previous boss in a freelance capacity... If I'm honest my hearts not in the job anymore and I feel like it's time for a change, I just hope the laws which are in place protect me when I apply for new roles. I feel I've changed so much as a result of my diagnosis and I don't want to work 60+ hours a week which is what is expected in my line of work. 

 

KAM80 I'm attending the Scottish forum on 7/8th of March in Edinburgh. I would really encourage you to sign up to one in your area, I went to a focus group a few months ago run by BCC (to provide feedback on how we as young women are treated and the level of support we are given) it was good to speak with like minded women who were experiencing similar issues to me. If you go into the Younger women and families pages there's a thread for peeps who are concerned about signing up. You should have a look. 

 

Agree at what you are saying about no matter what age you go through this makes it any easier, but as we both agree being younger brings additional pressures or stresses.  I wouldn't wish this diagnosis on my worst enemy. Chemo almost killed me last year, I've never been so ill in my life and as for the emotional scars it's left, nothing could have prepared me for this!

 

I can totally understand being terrified by the op, and understand your concerns. But speak to them and see if they can put you in touch with other patients to ask the questions you might have? 

 

Good Luck Ladies, keep in touch. 

 

Lx

KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Lizalou and LEJ81,

Thanks both so much for your posts! LEJ81 - we just crossed messages on your other post - I replied to a thread you started without having seen your post on here.

Is so nice to hear from people of a similar age who understand the devastating impact a cancer diagnosis has. Of course it's devastating at any age, but being younger seems to add a whole other dimension. That's obviously not to take anything away from older women going through this - it's bloody awful no matter his old you are!

Congratulations Lizalou on the birth of your little boy! What a fantastic thing to come out of all of this - and a new partner!

Reconstruction has been discussed and I have seen a plastic surgeon - I only have one option though that is the Diep Flap - a huge op that terrifies the life out of me! The PS has left it with me for 3 months before I meet with him again to decide if I want to go on the waiting list. Just another thing to worry/stress about!

As I asked you on the other thread LEJ81, where is the younger women's forum that you are attending? I've looked at them a number of times but have not yet had the guts to sign up.

Thank you both once again for your posts - is great to talk to people who understand.

K xx

Survivor78
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Dear LEJ81 and KAM80

Thank you both for your honest and heartfelt replies, it really is good to speak to women of the same age who understand.
I was diagnosed just 3 days after meeting my now fiancé so he has only really ever known me post cancer which is very tough. We are getting married this year and he has a beautiful daughter however I do want to have my own children. He stuck by me when he didn't have to- he had only just met me!

I feel lucky because I didn't have chemo, I was offered it but since my lymph nodes were clear and it had not spread they told me that surgery and 30 sessions of radio would probably be enough. My cancer scored 8/8 on the hormone sensitive scale so I was told that I need to take tamoxifen for the next 5 if not 10 years. I am allowed to take a baby break but not until I have been taking it or 2 years at least. This makes life seem so robotic. I can't just choose to try and get pregnant.

Being young means that cancer impacts our lives on a much deeper level and like you LEJ81, I get annoyed when older people don't understand the difference. My fiance's father has just been diagnosed with cancer however he is 74 so it's a while different situation. It is of course terrible at any age but we shouldn't have to go through this at our stage of life.

Just because I didn't have chemo and didn't lose my hair doesn't mean that it was less traumatic for me, I have huge scars both physically and mentally and in fact I only took 4 weeks off following my surgery then worked through my radiotherapy until the final week when I physically couldn't which I regret so much now. I think it was my way of keeping control of my life and normality.

I'm an HR Manager so I have extensive knowledge of employee rights and LEJ81, I'm sure you realise that once you have been diagnosed with cancer, regardless if whether you are in remission you are protected under the DDA act for the rest of your life and have the legal right to request flexible working.

KAM80- tamoxifen is a horrible medication and I have had so many side effects, some too graphic to explain openly but I have really struggled. Anger and irritability are probably the worst. Things like seeing and reading articles or posters about cancer make me angry as its a constant reminder. Ignorant people who ask how did you get cancer make me very angry! Apart from that physically I get hot flushes, thinned skin and a mucky head feeling. I don't feel like I can think as clearly as I used to. The main worry is that Tamoxifen is a carcinogenic substance which can cause uterus cancer! So my quality of life is affected yet we don't know how effective the medication is in younger women like us with high oestrogen levels! It's not easy taking tablets everyday that cause you so much upset but I guess it's a necessary evil x
lizalou
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

This thread has rung so many bells with me - I was 28 when diagnosed in Feb 2007. I had been married less than two years. By the time I finished treatment I was about to get divorced and was then told I couldn't have children. I was absoutely devastated and in some ways found the family thing as hard to deal with as cancer because it felt, as you said, like my life had been totally wrecked.

 

Seven years (tomorrow!) on I am living with my partner of 5 years and our beautiful, naturally conceived, enormous surprise of a 2 year old son. I have mild lyphodema and a bit of back ache from having a fake one and real one but apart from that I feel like me. BUT... I don't think that the emotional stress and strain can be underestimated at all, be kind to yourselves. You're not failures in any way - it would be weird not to be bloody angry about all this. It is horrible, it isn't fair and it's not the way anyone would choose their life to go. I found counselling helped - going back to work for me was one of the toughest times.

 

I got through treatment, thought I was fine, went back to a high stress job and fell apart a bit as I didn't want to admit to anyone that I was struggling to put it all behind me as I felt everyone just wanted me to get on with my life and shut up about it all. Talking to someone who didn't love me or even know me helped - it made me realise it was totally normal and I'd been through something horrendous. When you say it out loud you think of course I'm struggling this is awful!!!

 

The fear comes back from time to time, every ache and pain is a big deal - mine was 14/25 nodes affected, an 8cm tumour, HER+++ hormone neg so no tamoxifen but mine had a high chance of recurrence and so far so good. Just take it a day at a time and don't put pressure on yourselves to be super human - you're already amazing

xxx

LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Survivor 78, I've replied to KAM 80, but the same goes. I do think being younger adds, my mother in law was diagnosed 3 months before me, she had surgery and radio, and was retired and owned her own house, she's late 60's. She didn't need to worry about how she would pay her mortgage, whether a family would ever be possible, how she was going to go back to work, whether she'll ever get a mortgage again, how future employers will react.... Of course she lives in the same fear that the cancer might come back... but she doesn't share the same pressures I feel. Being younger brings its own issues. x 

LEJ81
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

KAM 80, reading your story I can identify massively. I was diagnosed last Jan, 11 months before my wedding and we had planned to have a family this year. Cancer put paid to that plan when I had to undergo surgery chemotherapy and radio. I decided not to take tamoxifen as I was a borderline case for it, so I can't sypthise about the tamoxifen, but my mood swings, hot flashes and weight gain have been awful - as I'm now post meanupasual. 

 

I feel the same dispair and anger your feeling about your life being tipped upside down, only I describe mine as someone took a wrecking ball last year smashed it right through my life and now I'm sitting in the middle of the debrie trying to work out who I am, where I'm going in life and what I'm going to do.... My friends were great while I was 'sick' but peoples perceptions are difficult to manage (I find) they think because youve been discharged your hairs coming back and your back at work your well. They don't realise the scars your experiencing mentally have just shown themselves and so they continue on with their lives (as they should, don't get me wrong I'm not saying they should hault everything for me) not realising the daily pain and suffering you are going through. 

 

I know the feeling about friends having children, my best friend had a baby while I was going on chemo and kept making comments about 'by the time I have children' as if this is a lifestyle choice I've chosen... We already have a dog and I do find him a massive comfort as sometimes the fact I have to walk him forces me to get out of my PJ's and take him out. 

 

People don't get that I've just fought tooth and nail for my life. I've gone back to work and I have no motivation for it, I work in a fast paced, client driven environment working to deadlines - everyone wants a peice of me and I've simply got nothing left to give. Yesterday it came to a head and I sat down with my boss and we both agreed this isn't working. I've decided to look for another role which doesn't require so much of my life and that I don't have to work 60+ hours a week. And while part of me felt relief the other part of me felt like a failure, I was succesful and career driven before Cancer, now I don't seem to have drive for much. 

 

With regards to the ache and pain. I totally understand that. I've had some bad pain in my ribs before Christmas and I was terrified it had spread to my bones, my nurse kept trying to tell me it was nothing and then the anger took over and I demanded an appointment at the breast unit. What gets me is once I'd had the surgery, chemo and radio no-ones done any scans to check that we definetely got it all. If one more nurse says to me, 'your cancer free' I will scream. My response to that was YOU don't know that because I've not had any scans and I've not had my first of my 6 month scans. I also don't understand why they don't scan you post treatment, espeically in my case because the cancer had start to spread and was in 3 of my lymphnodes, I was told that chemo was for the rouge cells, well what if a rouge cell wasn't obliterated by the chemo? I've to just wait and see???

 

With regards to your appearance - I'm with you on that too,  I put on 2 stone (I just got my wedding pics back 2 stone heavier, most brides loose weight not me). I can't loose anything and am knowingly comfort eating when the depression takes hold, so not even trying to help myself in that department. My hair is less than an inch in length and I have scars under my arms and across my chest (I didnt need a full mastectomy) and now have Lymphodema starting in my arm, my hand is so fat I struggle to hold my pen to write as a result of the swelling.

 

I wondered have you thought about reconstruction? I don't know if it would help you any? But you are allowed to change your mind and can have it done even a year after, my aunt did it this way.  Also there are other hormone drugs you could potentially try? Have you spoken to your oncologist about the side effects? Have you been to the moving on sessions run by breast cancer care? I've signed up but can't get in till May. I've also registered on the Young womens forum and hoping to meet some like minded women my own age who maybe understand a bit more about what I'm going through. 

KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Survivor78,

It's good to talk to someone of the same age. I think the whole anger thing definitely has a lot to do with our age! I too have not yet had children - I got married at the end of 2011 and was then diagnosed in September 2012 - not exactly the greatest of starts to married life!
I get angry about all manner of crazy things - from people throwing litter on the street, to driving badly etc - I think that is just a release valve for me to let off steam though... I think I'm angry at having my life tipped upside down by cancer at 32! All of my friends are now having/had children - of course I'm happy for them, but I can't help feel I am missing out. I got a puppy when I finished treatment - he's now my baby and I take him everywhere with me - another thing that causes conflict! Some of my friends are not dog people and make it very clear he's not welcome - another thing that makes me cross! So they can bring their kids to my house and turn it upside down, but I can't take my dog (who makes no mess at all) to their house.
I'm back at work full time now and am trying to move on with my life as best I can - a mastectomy with no reconstruction though is a daily reminder of my situation! Plus the constant worry of recurrence - I don't know about you, but every ache and pain is a worry.

I haven't heard of the Lavender Trust, something I'll have to look into. As for Tamoxifen side effects - I get really achey feet and hands, especially in the morning. I hobble out of bed like an 80 year old! Plus weight gain - I put on nearly 3 stone during treatment and have only managed to lose a stone of it so far.

I don't know about you, but I think it really impacts on your self confidence - plus now having short hair and only one boob! I feel guilty though for thinking those things as at least I'm still here and looks ultimately don't matter!
Sorry, I've really waffled on! Is great to talk to someone the same age who gets it!

What are your side effects from Tamoxifen?

K xx
Survivor78
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Kam80
Thanks for your message and what a relief to know I'm not alone in feeling this way! Do you also find that being diagnosed at a younger age brings many more problems too? I think it's much harder when we are young which is why the Lavender Trust is very helpful. I have not had any children yet and it impacts so much of your life.
What kind of things make you angry? Do you have any other side effects from the tamoxifen? It affects us differently as we are so young.
It's good to talk to someone in the same boat xx
Lucy_BCC
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi survivor78 and welcome to the BCC forums
Along with the support here you may find our 'Moving forward' support ideas and information helpful , here's the link:

https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/moving-forward

Please also feel free to call our helpline for further practical and emotional support on 0808 800 6000, lines open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2

Take care
Lucy BCC

KAM80
Member

Re: Feeling angry anyone?

Hi Survivor78,

I know just how you feel - I too was diagnosed nearly 18 months ago at the age of 32. Having gone through treatment I now find myself getting very frustrated at the smallest of things. I don't want to be an angry person, but my temper is regularly getting the better of me at the moment. Like you, I don't know if this is the Tamoxifen or whether it's just way of expressing emotion, after keeping things so tightly bound up through treatment.
I wish you the best in your onward journey and hope you manage to find some inner peace and calm.
K xx
Survivor78
Member

Feeling angry anyone?

Hi lovely people
I was so pleased to find this forum, just reading some of the threads has really helped me. How are you finding life after breast cancer? I was diagnosed age 33, just 18 months ago. I seemed to cope well up until the last 6 months when I have had feelings of overwhelming anger. I don't know if its due to the tamoxifen or just what I have been through. Does anyone else feel the same?