KAM 80, reading your story I can identify massively. I was diagnosed last Jan, 11 months before my wedding and we had planned to have a family this year. Cancer put paid to that plan when I had to undergo surgery chemotherapy and radio. I decided not to take tamoxifen as I was a borderline case for it, so I can't sypthise about the tamoxifen, but my mood swings, hot flashes and weight gain have been awful - as I'm now post meanupasual.
I feel the same dispair and anger your feeling about your life being tipped upside down, only I describe mine as someone took a wrecking ball last year smashed it right through my life and now I'm sitting in the middle of the debrie trying to work out who I am, where I'm going in life and what I'm going to do.... My friends were great while I was 'sick' but peoples perceptions are difficult to manage (I find) they think because youve been discharged your hairs coming back and your back at work your well. They don't realise the scars your experiencing mentally have just shown themselves and so they continue on with their lives (as they should, don't get me wrong I'm not saying they should hault everything for me) not realising the daily pain and suffering you are going through.
I know the feeling about friends having children, my best friend had a baby while I was going on chemo and kept making comments about 'by the time I have children' as if this is a lifestyle choice I've chosen... We already have a dog and I do find him a massive comfort as sometimes the fact I have to walk him forces me to get out of my PJ's and take him out.
People don't get that I've just fought tooth and nail for my life. I've gone back to work and I have no motivation for it, I work in a fast paced, client driven environment working to deadlines - everyone wants a peice of me and I've simply got nothing left to give. Yesterday it came to a head and I sat down with my boss and we both agreed this isn't working. I've decided to look for another role which doesn't require so much of my life and that I don't have to work 60+ hours a week. And while part of me felt relief the other part of me felt like a failure, I was succesful and career driven before Cancer, now I don't seem to have drive for much.
With regards to the ache and pain. I totally understand that. I've had some bad pain in my ribs before Christmas and I was terrified it had spread to my bones, my nurse kept trying to tell me it was nothing and then the anger took over and I demanded an appointment at the breast unit. What gets me is once I'd had the surgery, chemo and radio no-ones done any scans to check that we definetely got it all. If one more nurse says to me, 'your cancer free' I will scream. My response to that was YOU don't know that because I've not had any scans and I've not had my first of my 6 month scans. I also don't understand why they don't scan you post treatment, espeically in my case because the cancer had start to spread and was in 3 of my lymphnodes, I was told that chemo was for the rouge cells, well what if a rouge cell wasn't obliterated by the chemo? I've to just wait and see???
With regards to your appearance - I'm with you on that too, I put on 2 stone (I just got my wedding pics back 2 stone heavier, most brides loose weight not me). I can't loose anything and am knowingly comfort eating when the depression takes hold, so not even trying to help myself in that department. My hair is less than an inch in length and I have scars under my arms and across my chest (I didnt need a full mastectomy) and now have Lymphodema starting in my arm, my hand is so fat I struggle to hold my pen to write as a result of the swelling.
I wondered have you thought about reconstruction? I don't know if it would help you any? But you are allowed to change your mind and can have it done even a year after, my aunt did it this way. Also there are other hormone drugs you could potentially try? Have you spoken to your oncologist about the side effects? Have you been to the moving on sessions run by breast cancer care? I've signed up but can't get in till May. I've also registered on the Young womens forum and hoping to meet some like minded women my own age who maybe understand a bit more about what I'm going through.
