I don’t know quite how to word it really, but I am just not feeling myself at all since having surgery. I had a bilateral mx and snb with expanders implants on 3rd feb. Before surgery I was absolutely fine and running around as per normal.
Since surgery I have been recovering quite well, but although I am now getting back into a routine, I just feel a bit down all the time. I feel like a part of me dissapeared during surgery and I am abit vacant now. I feel pretty rubbish and washed out some days and these are normally the days when I feel almost depressed and not sure if I should see the GP about it.
I feel a bit teary just writing this as I am normally such a strong person and never really ever thought about taking anything to lift my mood, but should I be heading in that direction just to get me through the next few months? I start 6 rounds of Chemo next week so I am probably a little bit anxious about that.
I think we have high expectations as normally very strong woman and just get on with things but something happens to the body and the mind runs ahead of it with the body trying to catch up all the time.
I was teaching youth offenders and a tough cookie - now I have had to acknowledge that I am not as “unbreakable” as I used to tell my 16 year olds.
I went through the same thing having had a mastectomy and then have to change job to something easier and also regain the confidence I once had.
Please allow yourself time for your body to catch up with your brain and it will eventually. The first few months after surgery is hard to do like running a race when your so tired - give yourself time to cry, laugh, sleep and finally it will lessen and the sun will shine.
We are used to being superwoman arent we and manage to do the impossible and we go through such heavy surgery and expect to be the same. Dont worry the body will catch up and you will feel better again. It may do you good to talk to your doctor who can explain why you would feel like this.
It took me about 6 months to get rid of the tiredness and you had a heavier surgery than I.
Take each day at a time and keep a journal as it helps to write things down - note each day of your achievements - even a walk, making a home cooked meal or whatever you see as a challenge.
Make friends on here and you will get lots of support from the ladies. I didnt have recon so cant help there but do know it takes a while. I think you are doing very well if your back into a routine already - dont be so hard on yourself - why? You have had surgery so take it easy. Be nice to yourself you certainly deserve it.
Lets just slow it down and enjoy the day - walk in the sun with the flowers just growing at the moment - buy lots of daffodils and the colours will just enhance your day. Best of all treat yourself to some lovely bras, meal out, hairdo anything to say “I reward myself for going through such an ordeal”.
Hi Paula, it could be the after shocks, having coped so well up to now, something some where has to give, but I’m no expert.
I have coped with everything, although have felt sort of separate from myself, if that makes sense, but yesterday after my first rads session, I came out crying…don’t know why and I could do the same again today…but I’ve given myself a talking too…
I hope you start to feel better soon, sorry I can’t be much help, sending hugs xxx
Hello Paula
I had exactly the same surgery as you on Jan 7th. I too was very healthy and had a hectic lifestyle pre diagnosis; I just cannot come to terms with how my life has been turned upside down.
I recovered really well from the surgery and I think was slightly euphoric initially as the terrible fear of the surgery had gone.
However hearing I would need 8 x chemo, rads and full node removal then completion of reconstruction ie approx 12 months + of treatment has really taken its toll on me. I find tears rolling down my cheeks without warning and cry at the slightest problem - I just can’t cope with anything.
My bcn said it was good to cry - what has happened is very traumatic and life changing and if you hold it in you will really suffer later. I read a great quote on this site that has helped me it went something like ,‘Every tear that falls, a little bit of hurt falls with it.’
I did talk to my GP re taking something to help me cope, although normally I am anti-drugs, but he was reluctant as he didn’t want me to become addicted to anti-depressants as I had enough on my plate but to go and see him if things get worse.
It’s very early days for us and hopefully things will get better. I must say since I started chemo 3 weeks ago I haven’t been quite so weepy - perhaps because I feel I’m taking steps to erradicate this horror that has changed my life so drammatically
I was feeling really down after finishing radiotherapy in January. The thing that seems to have lifted my mood is using the S.A.D. light that we have - and the sunshine during the past couple of days. It has been such a long dark winter and the sun makes such a difference.
I strongly suggest trying a light lamp, or getting out into the sun when possible. Maybe, you could borrow a lamp to try before buying as they are quite expensive. We have a Litebook Elite, which is compact and portable. I wish I had remembered to use it earlier. I only started using it a week or two ago but I feel so much brighter already.
I know it doesn’t take away the horror of what has happened but every little helps, as they say.
i read a statistic somewhere recently about the number of women who have BC and take anti-depressants (who knows it may even have been on here )stupidly i can’t remember it but i know it was high. Telling you that for no other reason than to remind you you wouldn’t be alone if you chose to speak to the doc.
Like so many other things in relation to BC its a hugely personal decision and I don’t think anyone can advise you what is right for you. My guess is if you decide to it’ll come from you yourself.
I understand completely your sense of losing part of yourself (literally and metaphorically) i feel it too, like i’m empty in some way,flat and vacant. I’ve not done the doctors thing, I hold the notion (and everyone will see this differently )that its BC that’s making me sad, i was happy before it and its being happy again that i crave and i know anti-depressants can’t simply make me happy again. All sorts of flaws in that belief i know. I hope you can work through it and get some mojo back.
I think the others have given you some great advice and support, and all I’ll add is that it’s really early days for you. I had the same operation in early December so I know exactly where you’re coming from.
You’ve still got anaesthetic drugs in your system which take time to get rid of, you’ve had major surgery, and there’s a physical and emotional impact.
Time is a great healer. As already said, be kind to yourself. The impending chemo must be having an impact, and as with all of this hell that we go through, it’ll hopefully be easier once you start and can count down the treatments.
Hi Paula, You have been through an awful lot over the passed few months and it will take time for you to recover from it all. You have done extremely well so far. Try to be patient, be kind to yourself, and try to take one day at a time. You will get there in the end. Gentle hugs coming your way, much love Val
It sounds like you’re feeling pretty down at the moment and are finding things difficult. It is quite natural to feel anxious and struggle during treatment but you may find it helpful to talk things through with one of the BCC trained members of staff on the helpline. Here you care share your feelings and concerns with someone who is either a breast care nurse or has experience of breast cancer. The number to call is 0808 800 600 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 9am to 2pm.
Please also continue to post on the forum as I can see you are receiving lots of support from your fellow forum users, but sometimes just talking through how you feel can help.
Hi Paula,
Lots of great advice above. I can only echo what they have said - that it’s really early days yet, and what’s wrong with being weak for a while? It gives others a chance to show their love and care for us.
A great big hug and well done
love Jacquie x
PS I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now and they have made a great difference.More important, though, was admitting that I wasn’t coping and saying to those around me ‘I’ve had enough!’. I don’t understand why we struggle so hard to stay strong.
I read somewhere that it takes one month to recover for every month of treatment before you feel anything like your old self. It was spot on for me. Although you never feel like your ‘old self’ you can feel good again and enjoy life. It just takes some time to come to terms with it and make the most of life.
I know how you feel in the early days but I’m nearly 2 years out from dx and enjoying life again. Christmas 2008 was dreadful, just getting over my last chemo and had rads in front of me but this last Christmas was so different. I felt so good. Life will be good again. Just give it time and take the help from others.
Thanks so much for all the advice. I think it’s just a combination of getting through BC, trying not to make my breast cancer the centre of conversation when people talk to me and there seems to be many of my friends whose marriages and relationships are all breaking down…such a negative time!
I think I need to book a nice holiday later in the year so that I have something exciting to aim for after treatment. I even took myself into town today and asked for advice from holland and barrett for some kind of supplements to help pick me up, not sure if I will be allowed to take them dusing chemo or not though.
Hi Paula, it`s perfectly the “norm” what your going through, I really feel for you, it´s so hard to explain to OH or family I found this anyway, sometimes I feel like a winging old biddy, and afer a chemo session feel like it!
I also thought that you might be interested in a bit of a goal, you mentioned a holiday, theres a few of us from this forum arranging a holiday for Sept in Spain, it should be a great week, your more than welcome to join us, it might just give you the aim we all need everynow and then, something to focus on.
Take a look at the thread:
Fancy A Week In Spain Anyone Welcome???
10 Feb 2010 00:29 with 70 comments
Last post by muffett at 01 Mar 2010 20:33
let me know what you think, it would be great if you could join us.
Thanks so much for the invite, it sounds fab!! Fun in the sun hey??
I will have to decline though as I will have to save money to hopefully go to New York in May. It’s my 30th Birthday end of April, but as I have a chemo session due the week of my birthday the trip will have to wait a week or so. I am not booking anything until I speak to the oncologist to make sure it is ok. I need something to look forward to and me and hubby have wanted to go to New York for ages.
I went to see my gp on Thursday as I just can’t pick myself up and getting teary all the time. I keep walking around like I am kinda half there, or half the person I was before…does that make sense? Anyway she prescribed me anti-d’s just to help me through the next few months. So with those and the lovely sunny weather should help lift my mood quite a bit.