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Feeling of hopelessness!

24 REPLIES 24
Bella11
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Margaret, I hope all goes well with your op and your ongoing treatment as well. Best wishes to you.x
Margaret123
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella glad you have had treatment and are feeling all right it's nice to no you are coping . I have my op next week and am very fearful but just have to get on with it , it dose not help that every tv and paper as some think about cancer to remind you you have . I wish you all the best and hope all your treatments go well , xx
Bella11
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi to all for all your kind words, just an update to let you know that I had my first dose of chemo yesterday and apart from feeling very nauseated it was not too bad.
It is nice to read that the feelings I have been experiencing are normal.
I know my journey is only just starting but with all your support I'm sure all of us going through this can find a way through it.
Margaret123
Member

Re:thank you

Thank you for reply to my mail make you feel better to no that others feel the same but are getting through it .when I was told my mind went blank they kept asking me if I understand what they was saying said yes but I just did not want to no I could not take it in , I was offered books to help me understand what was going on but I declined them . This is my way of coping not the right way, but mine and just get on with it I do not want to no the in and out do not want to be any more scared than I am now .like some one as all ready said I want to clean my life up book per paid funeral through my personal thinks out . This is silly as I might be in the waiting room but not reached the door yet so pulling my self to gather and getting on with it .
What up sets me is that I had problem 12 months before and they told me there was nothing there it had grown so fast in twelve months . I feel so well and to think that I am now going to be ill in the next few weeks and in pain dose not help . I have still not told any one just do not want to talk about it till I really have to so it's relief to express my self on here thank you every one and hope you all make good recovery .
Lols
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi bella and Margaret this time is the worst I know. Your in a dark place now but it does get better. I was diagnosed with bc may 2013 , 2 surgeries, full ANC , chemo and rads since then, all just finished. It wasn't easy I had good days and bad days. Never thought I'd feel anything like the old me, as I said in an earlier post on this thread I'd planned my own funeral and done similar things as butterfly mentioned with cupboards etc. But today I have booked a holiday to Tokyo and a cruise around japan, something I doubt I would have done without the push from living after bc!!! It does get better girls honestly, just take one day at a time, I'm not a year past diagnosis yet and I'm starting to live again. This will all pass , everyone does it differently but your not alone , take care xx ju
Butterfly318
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Evening Margaret and Bella.

 

I Just want to say i know exactly how you both feel at the moment.  I was diagnosed October 2012.  Bella just like you i thought 'thats it'  sort out the will.  My Son was planning to get married and i thought my Baby is getting married and i won't be there.  I even cleaned out cupboards so my lovely Husband wouldn't have to do it after i had gone.   Diagnosis of Breast Cancer affects everybody differently, we all deal with it in our own way but in the early days most people struggle to make sense of it and rationally plan things, i really don't think these thoughts are uncommon.  Neither is it a Depression, It is a normal response to an abnormal situation.  

 

So... What i did was took advice from the experts, Surgeon, Oncologist and Breast Care Nurses about the best treatment for me (that will be different for everybody) and i focused on the things i could do something about and that helped me feel in control. Keeping to my routine, i continued working, cooking cleaning etc and went out when well enough.  I spent a lot of time exercising and trying to distract myself, walking cinema etc.   at the time all this felt hopeless but with hindsight (wonderful thing) it was the right thing to do.  The treatment process takes a while whichever way round you have it and i know today is really difficult for you both but you are doing good and you're doing exactly what you need to do, one day at a time, one decision at a time.

 

I had Neo adjuvant Chemotherapy (i'd never heard of having Chemo before surgery and struggled to get my head around that).  I had a 6.5 cm Invasive Ductal Cancer in my right Breast,  Diagnosed October 2012. Chemo,  Mastectomy and then Radiotherapy.  I won't fib and say it has been a piece of cake but it has been a journey and i am at a stage where i can step back  and even look at positives from the journey.  I am just waiting for a date to have my reconstruction completed to right breast and left one lifted to match and in July, almost two years on from my Diagnosis, i will be taking my new pert breasts and skinnier butt to my gorgeous boys wedding.

 

Ladies keep posting then we will all know where you are at with your treatment,  remember you are doing good and you will get there.   Take Care    Gilly x        

Margaret123
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella I have just been diagnosed with Brest cancer have op on the 14 march like you I am in total shock spent three days crying have not told ant one as could not deal with that so smiling and saying I am fine . Went to doctors straight away and have got strong anti depression tablets at as stopped the crying and I am trying to sort it out in my head . I do hope all goes well for you it might be worth trying some think to help you get your thoughts to getter . Remember there are people out there that can give you support telling you how they are coping take care xxxx
Sue123
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella, I couldn't leave your message unanswered. I know exactly how you feel and it does take a while to adjust to the b++++y awful uncertainty of everything. 

I too have sorted out my affairs as I think thats perfectly Ok, this is a really scary thing that really focusses your mind on what matters. Now I am trying to lean on whoever I can to get me through this and out the other side so I can live again, be that for two or thirty two more years. I phoned the Samaritans today, first time ever and they were OK, I was just a bit desperate for someone to talk to who would not get upset.

It's the worst time ever but one that you and I will get through. 

Take care Bella and be your own best friend, do whatever it takes and keep in touch, Sue x

Bella11
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Thanks for all replies. I am still in despair trying desperately to lift myself out of the darkness but nothing seems to work. My head will not stop thinking & going round & round. Have been for walks with friends but nothing seems to help. I then got a copy of my gp letter saying I av invasive ducal cancer in a non continuous area of pathology that extends about 62mm but the 2nd biopsy was just fibrocystic changes. Also as I previously have said it is in the axillary nodes as well. It just appears to me that there is no hope & as I'm supposed to be starting chemo on Thursday I'm thinking should I just enjoy the time I have left instead. Don't know whether to see if antidepressants will lift me or not but don't know whether I would be able to take anything with chemo anyway.
I'm in the process of writing my will & sorting my affairs out , I just don't know what to do or where to turn to.
maltomlin1
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

And Bella..........I don't understand why all women don't have mastectomies AFTER the chemo.......it makes sense. A friend of mine had chemo first........it didn't work.....so they tried another which did...........then she had the mx.

 

I had chemo after surgery.........and how do you know it's worked?

maltomlin1
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

It's understandable that you feel so hopeless..........I think we all do when first dx.........we have no control over what's happening,,,,,,,,and that feeling is normal. We're used to organising our lives......but we can't do that any more.........we have to listen to others........and that's scary.

 

When I was first dx I was told it was small etc & I wouldn't need chemo........fast forward a couple of weeks & chemo was on the cards. I was absolutely scared s......s. I sat in the chair waiting for my first chemo and just wanted to run............ But it wasn't half as bad as I expected. I felt rough sometimes, yes, but just kept my head down, got on with it, and thought 'it'll be worth it ' and it was.

 

It is scary when first dx............you don't see a future.........but there is.

 

Someone on these boards was told by their onc.........'if you give me a year, I will give you your life back', That was certainly true for me......but it does seem a long year!

booksandwine
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Bella, I completely get the hopeless feeling - on Friday last week, before the call I did not have cancer, but then I did but bugger all informaiton and this week a tonne of tests and a partial diagnosis and possible 4 - 6 week journey ahead of me - If I can do this as a newby you can too - in fact from what I can see on these posts we are not alone - I said to my partner the other day its a journey I dont want to take but I am slowly waking up to the fact that i am a tough old bird (or rather young one - being under 50).  Some days look like they will be easier than others and there is a huge support network I have only started to sractch the surface of - not sure how this forum works re friending - I confress I have not really used forums but today I have found it fanstatis for advice - my partner also gave me some good advice tackle it in small chunks and work on what needs to be worked on first --- All the best of the best C

wyn
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella,

 

So sorry to hear you have joined the forum and  feeling so low, but there are plety of ladies on here with lots of experience and offer much valued and  appreciated support.

 If it helps I just want to say I am having chemo first (just had my 5th session today). prior to surgery. My tumour was 2.6cm x2.6cm and I had a MRI after second treatment an it had shrunk quite a bit so I will be having a lumpectomy. I was advised this was the best treatment for me and chemo first is becoming more popular. It gives them a clear picture of how effective chemo is working and also eases your mind its doing what its meant to.Chemo is definitely do-able although side effects not great. When I spoke to breast surgeon he said my prognosis was very good. Sometimes we have to put our trust in the team looking after us as they have seen this every day and know whats best for us even though you will have bad days but once your treatment is in place you will feel much more positive and in control. 

 

sending hugs x

Wyn

Lols
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi bella , I know it seems like a black hole right now but neo-adjuvant chemo ( before surgery) really has some good results. When your upto it go into going through treatments and look for thread neo- adjuvant chemo , some of the posts there discuss how well chemo worked on their cancer.
It's an awful time at the start of this journey I know believe me, I still have negative, crap days I think we all have when we have had to face the big C, but there's more good days than bad ( for me anyway) and it does get better when you know your treatment plan etc. take care Hun you will get through this xx ju
Bella11
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi all,
My results were not that great I don't think. The MRI picked up an area about 5mm with about 4 areas in that measurement. They do not know if all the areas are cancerous but the biopsy definitely picked up one plus I know from my previous biopsy of the axillae that it is in at least 1 node. They have said the way forward is chemotherapy then mastectomy.
I'm even more feeling that it's all over now as I believe that most women have mastectomys first.
I'm seeing oncologist tomorrow and ct scan in next day or so.
I am taking diazepam to calm me but can't say it's helping much, I just feel so sick through worry.
I am sorry to sound so negative but cannot see a way out of this black hole that I am in.
maltomlin1
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

And don't google!.........I scared myself silly.

maltomlin1
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

I'm sorry Bella........you're in the worst possible place right now. It's so scary.

 

I know I planned my funeral etc etc (it's still on my PC) and really couldn't look into the future at all.......it was bleak.

 

But that was nearly 6 years ago............I had 3 lymph nodes affected and vascular invasion & I thought it was a death warrant.............but I'm still here........enjoying life and rarely (very rarely) come on these boards. There are plenty of women who are off enjoying their lives and don't post here......they're too busy enjoying themselves. OK, the treatment isn't pleasant, but it's so worth it.

 

I still have my hospital bag and wig on top of the wardrobe...........I don't want to tempt providence.

 

Just cross one bridge at a time.......once you know your treatment schedule you can come to terms with it & just get on with it.

 

You will get over this.........keep telling yourself.

Caz13
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella
I hope you have had a better day. Thinking about you and hoping things are getting a little easier. Take care
Caroline x
MonicaB
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella11

 

Its not abnormal at all to feel overwhelmed with a bc diagnosis - but you've already taken some good steps like coming onto this forum and meeting up with people here.

 

Its great that you feel like getting up today - even if its just to do one or two things. I'm sure you will feel a bit better for that. Bella11, its bound to feel worse if you haven't been sleeping and not eating much. I hope you can have something to eat today - treat yourself to something that you really like.

 

Take care xx 

Bella11
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Thanks to you all for your encouraging words, it is comforting to know it's not abnormal how I'm feeling.
I think because I live alone & have no children it is easy to just stay in bed thinking. I have been taking sleeping tablets to get some sleep at night but not a lot. I will make a determined effort today to get up & try & eat even though I feel sick at the thought of it.
Caz13
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi Bella. I felt what you are feeling, and to be fair still do often. I was only diagnosed in jan and am struggling. I was like Lols and planned my funeral. This is a completely normal reaction you are having, as horrible as it is.
I felt riddled with it and paid for a scan like you. I'm still chasing answers. My consultant said its a grieving process - grief for the simple, easy life we had prior to this. I throw up promises to the sky everyday to be a better person, to stop being so materialistic or stroppy if only I get through this!
I may be rambling but I'm trying to say Bella you are not alone and your feelings are normal. I can hear myself saying exactly what you said - I just don't know what to do with myself. Even when I am trying to keep busy it doesn't leave my mind- not for a second.
You will start to come to terms with it ; even though we don't want to!) and you will become calmer when you know exactly how this will be treated. There are so many uplifting stories on here, don't google ( although I should take my own advice sometimes) We will get through this together. I ll be waiting for your results and will have absolutely everything crossed for you. At this stage we just want someone to say everything will be fine. I can feel your panic and despair coming through in your post and it is like hearing myself 7 weeks ago.
I'm sorry I can't offer any medical advice, except to agree that there are many many ladies who have come out of this after lymph node involvement. I will say, try to stay calm ( again I should follow my own advice!) and remember there are so many of us going through this together. You are not alone. Big hugs and I will be waiting for your results on Wednesday.
Caroline xxx
Lols
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi bella read your post and I couldn't just read and go as I recognised your fears. I knew the day I was dagnosed with bc that it was in at least a lymph node as it was enlarged on the scan. I had to wait another 5 weeks till surgery and 2 weeks after that for results where I learnt that 4 out of 25 lymph nodes were infected, then came the long ( and I mean long and stressful) wait of 2 more weeks for ct results of body. In this time I imagined the worst ( I'm a staff nurse and believe me you couldn't think up worse things than I did) I'd planned my funeral etc i nearly collapsed the day I went back for the results and couldn't believe it when they said all clear. What your going through is completely normal , anxiety is part of being human it's awful I know but worrying to the point of being ill won't change a thing. As Monica says there are very many women with lymph node involvement and from a nurse point of view that's what they are there for to filter out the bad stuff. Try and keep busy do some nice things Hun and all the best on Wednesday this is the worst part of it the waiting for results after that its all doable, take care xx ju
MonicaB
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Bella11,

 

So sorry that you have just got this news. It must have come as an enormous shock to you.
I know that waiting for results is such an anxious time - it is sometimes easier once you know what you are dealing with.

 

Do you have something to distract you for the next few days? Its just until Wednesday, but that must feel like a long time away now.

 

If you can try to take this step-by-step. You've already had your mammogram and MRI, so the next step will be to meet with the team for the results and then to start to put a treatment plan together.

 

There are lots of treatments available and your medical team will be able to advise and guide you on that.
There are many many people who are treated for bc that has been detected in the lymph nodes. The main thing to remember is that the treatment is there and the medical team will work out what treatment is best for you.

 

I hope everything goes as well as possible for you on Wednesday.
Keep posting and let us know how you are xx

June_BCC
Member

Re: Feeling of hopelessness!

Hello Bella11

 

Welcome to the forums.  This must be very difficult for you, I’m sure other users will be along to support you soon. 

 

In the meantime, maybe you would like to talk things through with a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open again in the morning and normal hours are Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.

 

Best wishes

June, moderator

Bella11
Member

Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi, I am lying in my bed feeling like my life is over. I am usually a strong person but am completely lost at the moment. I was recalled from a routine mammogram as they had seen axillary node enlarged therefore had biopsys taken. Was informed Wednesday that there was cancer cells there but no evidence of lump on mammogram. They took some biopsies anyway & I paid to have an MRI scan so that I had it sooner than it would have been done. My results are on Wednesday but all I can think about is that it's already spread everywhere as it's in the lymph node. I just don't know what to do with myself.