Yesterday my husband and I went away for the night for a break following the diagnosis last week (grade 2/3, er+, in lymph node and lump 3cm approx). Until we had gone away i had put a brave face on or tried to, but as we were away just the two of us I guess I had time to think more and it hit me like a train last night, I never want to be that place again. My anxiety and negative thoughts for the future spiralled and I couldn’t control it. Leaving my daughter behind I was inconsolable. My oh has been great thou. I try so hard to put on a brave positive face but inside I fear the worst and can’t help it. It’s the waiting that I find the hardest, waiting for scans, results, appointments etc. I just want a doctor to say I’m ok. Also I keep thinking my lump is getting bigger (already approx 3cm) and feeling like I’m getting sick, does anybody else think this? My BN said its my body/mind playing tricks on me because of the massive shock I’ve had. Sorry for the long post :(, just struggling today. I want it all to go away. X
Sweetheart, you are in a really difficult place, and you do have to let go sometimes even of that frightens you by feeling out of control. You sound like you lost it a bit, but then you came back? So if it happens again, you’ll know that after the storm comes a bit of calm. Let it out, it takes so much energy to brave face it all the time.Ask your BCN to talk or put you in tbe direction of a counsellor.
I can see how anxious you are, its only natural, but try to remember how much skill and expertise will be directed to you to get you well again. All I can do is send every best hope to you, and say you have the forum faries wishing you well. Let us know how you get on, xx
Hiya, We try too hard to keep a brave face on and spare everyone else’s feelings that it’s no wonder you had a wobble my love, it’s totally natural, the shock is horrendous when you are first diagnosed and we have to allow ourselves to work through the emotions it evokes, you will go through them all at some point,I found they came in waves, one day I was ok I’ve got this and the next I was on my knees with fear! The good news is things do get better, I know you won’t believe that right now but I’m over a year on now and I can reassure you that it will! Feeling ill and imagining every ache and pain is sinister is also normal, I was convinced it was everywhere, but it wasn’t of course!
This is so treatable , it’s not a walk in the park but they have the means to deal with breast cancer once and for all for the vast majority of us and you have to believe that you will be one of them, the waiting is the pits but it’s the way it is unfortunately and we can’t do a damn thing about it, one step at a time is the easier ways to cope, don’t try and predict what’s going to happen just deal with each thing as it happens and try and do something each day that will make you smile ? You can do this! Xx Jo
Millasmummy, please don’t be scared. I had the same as you, diagnosed March 2014, had surgery, chemo, surgery for clear margins and axilliary node clearance then 25 rads. I am 2 years clear last week. I too feared for the future, my girls were 25 and 27. I sw my youngest daughter get married in August last year. The future is bright. Please keep a positive mind even in the dark days, you will find lots of positive support here. Sending hugs. Michelle
Thank you Caroluna, Jobey68, Charys and Bondgirl. I am so glad I found this forum. It really does help so much. Googling upsets me and I am not doing it anymore. Your right though, it comes over in waves, like now I have put my lg to bed and am sitting watching a film and sorting my paperwork and writing lists and feel more in control. I want to see my daughter go to school, take her for coffee and see her graduate and I’m determined to do everything I possibly can to make that happen. But the thought of not getting those chances is undesribable. I really appreciate your replies, it’s good to hear from you ladies who have started and finished treatment. Big hugs x
Hi again millasmummy… And everyone else of course. I’m in exactly the same position as you. I feel sick to the stomach of not knowing the outcome. I’ve got to tell my girls we can’t go on holiday in August and got to tell them why. I hate being in this position… My whole life has been taken away. For some reason today…3 days after initial diagnosis I’ve blocked it out. I’ve enjoyed time with me family… But now I’m back home and it’s quiet I feel like I’ve been hit with a sledge hammer. I’m sure this is all normal, and I’ve read many similar stories of how other women feel. It’s hard to get a grip on reality. … Our reality has gone. I hope your ok, I ready do. I know every little ache your going through. We can only hope for a miracle and be strong for ourselves and others we love and care for. Xxxxx I’ve tried not to let all this consume me today… But I know that in the morning it will be back. Must try and stay positive for a better outcome. Big hugs to you. Xxxxx
Hi Netti37, thanks for your reply, it does really help to talk to other ladies in the same position. We are having to cancel our holiday too, it was supposed to be in 2 weeks, and I’m so angry, that my lg has been denied this. But we will just postpone and hopefully go later in the year. I am going to try concentrate on keeping busy and spending time with family and like everyone says deal with one thing at a time. Hope your ok, and that hope our treatment plans start soon. We’ll all get through this together. Hugs to you xx