I returned to work a few weeks ago during rads. I have had a phased return and everyone has been so good to me, so why do I feel so rubbish?
Pre dx I loved my job. I work in a junior school. Since I have gone back I have no enthusiasm for the job and seem to be jumping down people throats (or so I have been told!)
Yesterday things came to a head when my colleague accused me of being ungrateful for everything they have done to ease me back into work. Thankfully this was at the end of the day so I could just walk out. I went straight to a doctors appointment, which I cried my way through. I then cried when I went to bed, cried again when I woke at 3am.
This morning I made a decision to write her a letter explaining everything that I have gone through & why I have reacted as I have - since diagnosis my husband has been made redundant and has now been accepted for training in a position which will mean us moving anywhere we are sent in the country in the next couple of years (I have alway lived within a mile of where I was born).
I was very honest with her and apologised if I have not seem grateful and thanked her for her support. I took the letter in and gave it to her this morning (my day off).
I am now dreading going in in the morning as I don’t know what her reaction will be to it. She is actually really caring and only trying to do the best for me, but I just want to go to work to be normal.
Reading this back I think maybe I do sound ungrateful but I don’t really know what to do about it.
I think it was an excellent idea to write a letter as it gets down what you want to say without emotions getting in the way. You’ve been through a lot and I’ve heard that when one returns to ‘normality’ ie work and normal life, it can take a while to come to terms with what’s happened, when everyone else thinks it’s all over. It sounds like you could be a little depressed, understandably so. Did the doc suggest antidepressants or anything? or just see for the meantime how things go?
I don’t think you sound ungrateful and I’m sure if the person is caring, she’ll understand.
hi cmw, I am returning next month after a year off, Im excited but nervous as my tolerance levels are crap, I just cant be bothered anymore about people moaning about petty things, I am currently on anti depressants and they have lifted the fog if that makes sense, just got news yesterday that my first mammo was clear so I am now ready to take on the world and today was the first day of the rest of my life
my hubby lost his job the day I started rads, but we got through it.
take care, does work really matter that much, the wy im treating it now is do what I need to, get my salary and thats it, I used to be a top performer but it doesnt interest me anymore, beating cancer was my biggest success
love n hugs
Carol xx
Hi cmw,
So sorry you’re having prob with work. Your post remind me of an experience I had with one of my friends, who helped me last year. It’s not work related, but it doesn’t sound very similar to yours and hope it helps… here we go…
She is very into diet helping with cancer and kindly offer to help free of charge. So I accepted it. As time goes on, I found it very hard to stick to but continued out of respect for her. When progression was detected in March this year, she accused me of wasting her time and not following her advices and instructions. So I wrote her a letter saying that she’s not being helpful. She wrote back saying that I’m not grateful for the time and money she sacrificed for me!!! It upset me a great deal and I cried for ages over it. Why don’t people just understand??? We had a long chat on the phone and decided to stop the diet. Now, we are still friends, thou keep a distance.
I’m sure you’ve done the right thing in writing a letter and explain everything… and it shows great strength in apologising first… even though you don’t have to. I’m sure once those differences and misunderstands are sorted out, you’ll feel more normal and she’ll treat you as a normal person and respect the way you are.
You’ve done your bit, now it’s up to her to keep your working environment more peaceful. Hope it get sorted out soon.
xx
Thanks for your replies.
Steph10 - My GP asked me if I thought I was depressed and I don’t think I am (yet). I suffered with depression about 6 years ago and I don’t feel as bad now as I did then. I don’t really want to be taking any more drugs as this list I am on now seems enormous, though I did last time and I know they helped. The GP has said for me to ring the surgery at any time and speak to him if I feel myself getting lower and he will make sure I can get an appointment straight away to see him.
Carol - Congrats on the clear mammo - I still have that hurdle to face. I think part of the problem is that I am less tolerant now. I am also a lot less confident. I used to come across as confident (or bossy!) and when I am comfy in a situation I can be, but at the moment the air of confidence is just a front - inside I feel completely lost.
m1yu - it is difficult when things go wrong between friends. I really hope that my colleague (and friend) will take my letter as I intended but I just don’t know - still I will find out tomorrow.
Thanks to all of you
Hi cmw,
Sorry you are feeling rubbish, is it not natural for you to feel how you do, breast cancer has been one hell of an experience!
One we could have lived without, but sadly we didn’t get the choice.
Perhaps she was having a bad day herself, we never know what is going on in people’s lives, or perhaps she really thought you were being ungrateful, but one thing l am sure of, when she read your letter and realised what you have and are going through, it would have bought a tear to her eye!
I hope she greets you with open arms the next time you see her
Good Luck
Sandra xxx
hi cmw
however nervous you are about tomorrow, remember
- you have had much much worse days and will tackle this fine
- if she is a nice person as you suggest, she will be feeling much much worse than you tonight and will be more nervous at seeing you
- i think you had great self control not headbutting her to be honest!
well done on the letter, good luck tmrw
vickie
ps.m1yu- my god what a horrid girl!you have done well to be in touch with her still, you must have felt rotten when she said all that.
Vickie, you touting for work? she could sue her for a headbutt! Lol
Sandra xxx
tors - thanks for the advise (especially no 3!) Brought smile to my face, which is just what the doctor ordered.
In fact whilst I was crying at the doctors yesterday he told me the following (he always has a joke for me when I go in) - “Don’t walk in front of me I may not follow, Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Don’t walk beside me…just P*** off and leave me alone.”
Hi CMW - I also work in a school ( well not strictly true as I’m off sick and retiring in July ) I went back after I’d finished rads and it was a real struggle. I think for what it is worth you’ve gone back too soon - I do relate to the financial and professional pressure you might be feeling and it doesn’t help you in the slightest. Working in a school requires so much both physically and mentally just for the children let alone the ‘party politics’ that kick around.
For anyone to remind you how 'good , tolerant etc. they have been is truly appalling.they’d expect the same if the roles were reversed.So your snappy so what! your tired , anxious and juggling a lot of balls at the moment none of them through choice. So hope that letter helps them to understand.Do you belong to a union you might just need their support. But lets be honest it’s that time of year in a school when no ones got any sympathy for anyone. Words slip out and often we get home mull over the day and bitterly regret our lack of understanding and tolerance. So hope everyone is supporting you in the run up to the summer hols.Good luck