Hi everyone,
I’m having real difficulty posting on the forum. I have posted a couple of times and had wonderful, friendly replies.
The things is, i spend hours reading all the various posts, about how others deal with BC and their treatments, and i still can’t believe i am one of “these people”
I look at my app. cards, i see my name and address and the little bit at the bottom that says i have BC, but it’s not real.
I spend a lot of time on my own(by choice) i cry a lot, i get really angry, i get very scared. then i shut it away in the back of my mind.
My family and friends have sent me beautiful “thinking of you” cards, they’re displayed round the house like birthday cards, yet still it’s not real.
I’m sure i’m dreaming and i’ll wake up and it will all be ok again.
I laugh and joke with everyone, and they say i’m handling the news in a positive way.
At the moment i’m posting a lot on the “fun pages” mainly because it’s light hearted and easy and i don’t have to face my fears there.
I’m trying to respond to a couple of posts, but i feel so sad inside.
I am so sad for all the pain everyone is feeling, yet they are able to post and have fun on here.
I log on to the site most of the day, and want to write so much, but if i do, i’m admitting that i have BC…i’m so afraid of my reaction when it finally sinks in.
I’m so sorry if this is bringing anyone down, it’s not meant too.
I just want my old life back again.
Jean xx
Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day
hi jean, sorry you had to join us but a lot of the ladies on here are marvelous all we can do is give you what we are going thru and a lot of it is similer to your situation , the feelings you are having weve all been thru em take each day as it comes theres not a lot else you can do........all your feelings are ones we have gone and going thru.therell be good days an bad days…you wanna cry go ahead you`ve earnt it but remember were all here on this forum for each other…massive hug…caroleann
Oh Jean, it is such early days for you yet - not even 2 weeks since your diagnosis. I don’t think you will bring anyone down with your honesty. As time goes on and you get to have your surgery next month you will start to adjust and allow the reality to sink in - and then you will deal with it. I remember at my first diagnosis feeling like I was walking thru a dream and it was happening to someone else. I felt there was a never ending spiral rising above my head with the word cancer going round and round and gradually the spiral started to slow down and the word cancer didnt appear too often. Then would realise I could go hours, then days without thinking about constantly, but it does take time. Be kind to yourself and if playing the games and posting on the fun pages helps - then why not?
Sending you a cyber hug
dawnhc
xxx
Hi Jean
I too have found it hard to accept at times that I am as “ill” as I am. It just didn’t seem possible given how well I felt.
You don’t say how long it is since your dx (but given you say that you have cards my guess is that it isn’t long) or what your dx/treatment is. If it isn’t very long since that dx, I think you do have to just give yourself time. Even so, I believe we all try and protect ourselves a little bit from the truth just so that we can continue to exist and laugh and enjoy life for some of the time. Feel your post is possibly the beginning of you accepting that dx. You do need though to go at your own pace in that acceptance and realisation.
Sending you loads of hugs - remember that there are lots of people who will be here ready to support you when you feel able to post more.
Kay xx
Hi Jean
As one of your fellow fun page goers I want you to know that I could have written the post you have done .I was diagnosed last Oct and at times I have hibernated and locked out the world hoping it would go away.I am now seeing light at the end of this dark tunnel we go through and yes I have sat here some days not posting but reading and everyone seems to be doing better than me.In my heart I know that is not true,we are all at varying stages and there is always someone who can relate to how your are feeling.
I am sure you are a strong woman with fantastic family support- - and to top it all you are a scouser and us scouse birds are tough nuts to crack!!!
Keep posting and we will get through together,
Keep strong and take care
Mary
xx
hi scousenana jean
some people find it far easier to adapt to change than others
i quite like a bit of change but my OH hates any change and he is finding all this far harder than me!!! I’m not saying I like bc but the fact that my worls is all upside down and needs resorting isn’t in itslf a problem - i just do things differently. some popel would HATE it
apart from anything else this is a HUGE change for us all and it sounds to me as though you are just taking a bit longer to get yourself reorientated
What shocked me was after I signed on here for the first time - I merrily typed in my username and password and then when it said “welcome XXXXXXX” - I thought “blimey I’ve got breast cancer!” … how ridiculous is that!?
the thing is there is no right or wrong way to behave and we all have our ups and downs
some people who breeze through their treatment being all buzzy have delayed stress afterwards
the most important thing is to do what you want to - there is no point in doing anything else - so well done for that!
so if you tell everyone in the physical world you are fine because you want to - that’s ok - I do it all the time
then you can do or not do what you want on here
I wouldn’t try and push yourself until you’re ready
sometimes I think I post too much on here and people may think “i wish she’d shut up!” but then I am in the closet so I hardly have anyone else to talk to and my OH just goes into a spin if I talk about anything so it’s not worth talking to him as I then have to perk him up again afterwards!!!
just go with how you feel … I bet there are loads and loads of people who read everything and just can’t bring themsleves to post … we might even have the odd pervert who enjoys it! YUK!!!
don’t worry about what anyone else thinks - just do or don’t do what you fancy!
good luck
love FizBix xxx
I am so sorry that you are finding it difficult at the moment. It is quite normal to not want to accept the fact that you have bc. It’s a huge massive thing to have to resign yourself to and it takes time for some ppl to get their heads round the fact.
I understand what you mean about not being one of ‘those ppl’… I insisted on going back to work asap following my sugery (and I was lucky that surgery was a week after dx), by getting on with the normal everyday stuff like work and shopping etc I was able to be a normal person as opposed to a cancer patient. I know everyone around me is waiting for me to react cos I basically just accepted what had occurred and got on with the treatment, I have had the odd wobbly day but I tend to keep my feelings to myself and just work through it,.
Hey Jean
I was diagnosed 4 months ago and have done the surgery, got my results, been up and down on the rollercoaster and I’m starting chemo very soon and it really have only been in the last 2 weeks that I’ve started to accept that I am a breast cancer patient (have to be honest, still feels strange to actually write/say).
If it helps I’ve personally found that I’m still in here. I wasn’t sure I would be when it all finally started to sink in but I’ve noticed that I’m accepting it more easily now that my family and friends are too.
It’ll take time but as you say:
“Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day”
You’re right about that.
Angie
Thanks ladies,
Everything you say makes sense, i think it’s the dreaded C word and all the implications it carries.
As i said in my first post i was dx on 14 May and going for surgery on 13 June, no idea what treatment after.
I think part of the trouble is, i’ve only ever been able to rely on myself from childhood( a long story) and the thought of “needing” others to care for me is hard, i find it difficult to fully trust people. Letting my emotions show openly, is like my worse nightmare 
I really will try to post, wether i’m feeling good or bad. I’m sure it will help me through the road ahead. I have joined the Breast Buddies !!! on FaceBook and hope to make lots of new friends there as well as here.
I know that whatever i’m feeling, everyone here has felt or is feeling the same.
I know that fate has joined us together, and together we can and will win.
Thank you to my virtual family, for always being there.
Love and hugs
Jean xxxxx
Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day
Jean
The fact that you are actually in here reading things is really good. i joined the forum a few weeks ago after being diagnosed in May last year, all my treatment has finished and yet the reality of the last year has only recently started to sink in. I think i was in denial on a grand scale. I’d never been in hospital [except child birth] never had an operation, never in a million years thought I would see the inside of a chemo unit sitting on a visitors chair let alone getting one of the big chairs.
I spent ages debating whether to put my profile on because I had this mental block about “admitting” to it all, then I finally did and it took me ages to type it all and then I hit a button and lost the whole post. I cried and cried but have since managed to redo it only not on the My Profiles thread.
I like the CC&F threads and I read alot of the threads except secondaries because that side of things still scares me alot and I think you should stay within your limits and not get too far ahead with things.
I hope you keep reading cos I’m sure it will help you and post if you want to but dont worry if you cant, its Ok.
Good luck with everything, you can do it, we’re made of pretty strong stuff [most of the time] and you have the right attitude to tackle this body blow.
AJxxx
Deat Scousenana,
All the ladies that have replied to you and many more would I am sure have written as you have at some point after dx.
I would like to add that the definition of you is not breast cancer. You are so much more.
I enjoy your postings. Loved the poem, the thought behind the lol words and the “waltons” list. As a matter of fact we have just posted the same words, in the same second on the three word game!
Like you, I do not read all the threads. One at the moment ‘terrified’ I cannot go into simply because the sheer number of replies almost 1500 saddens and frightens me.
I relate very much to your life experience. I have chosen to be by myself for the past thirty years and the thought of being seen as weak, vulnerable and in need is something I do not want to go through . Also this bc dx has brought back memories of the past that I thought I would not relive again.
I gain a great deal from this website, wonder sometimes if I am’ sad’ spending so much time on it! But I find that breast cancer sometimes leaves me in a very lonely place and the kindness, wisdom and friendship I gain from it help so much
Take care
lol !!
Margaret
.
Hi Margaret - Just to give you some reassurance, I have just looked at the “terrified” thread, never have before. I’ve just been looking at the recent postings and what you will find there is a group of ladies who have become firm friends and lots of chat about shopping, families, parties, holidays, pond cleaning … oh yes, and being treated for breast cancer. But the terrified thread is not terrifying. I think we all gain so much from this site, like you I seem to spend a lot of time on it, but the ladies here have been so wonderful in the six months since I was diagnosed. Good luck all of you. Sarah.
Thankyou Seabird,
I am going to have a nose round it now. I hope that you are well and coping with the treatment you recently started.
Margaret
Hi Scousenanna,
Hope you are feeling a little better since yesterday. I often wonder if the shock of Dx is worse if you are certain that it is a BC lump when you go off to the Dr compared to going around convinced that your lump is benign and you are wasting everybody,s time.
I fit into the latter, and was so convinced at 38 sitting in a waiting room full of much older ladies that I wasting everybody,s time. I even drove 25 miles to get my results by myself and told my husband not to take the day off work ( hes self employed and would lose money). You can imagine the Shock, I nearly collapsed. I still went to the supermarket and got the weeks groceries and then drove 25 miles home again. Really foolish I know now.
It didnt sink in for a couple of weeks and I hardly slept or ate anything. For a few days after I was waiting for a phone call to say that they had made a mistake.
My point is that here I am 1 yr post DX, 4 surgeries, 6 Fec, 15 Rads, My hairs growing nicely, I,m back to work and almost back to normal. Its not the end of the world and you can do it.
Lots of love Andrea xx
P.s A tip, try not to read all the posts on here, only the ones that concern you. Otherwise you end up more depressed and even more scared. I learned the hard way. xx
Hi Jean
im so sorry that you are hear with everyone else that is writing on the forum…
i have just sat hear reading you post and it smacked me straight in the head…
just how i felt when finding out i had breast cancer on the 2nd of may…
i cry lots… then i might have a laugh … its so hard to no how to reacted to tis sad news…
and so many silly thiught’s go running around your little head…
you sit there and think how do you focus and what are you ment to think of this card that has been delt you … well i hav’nt got a clue… all i can do and say to you is do it day by day …
one step at a time…
keep strong and best of luck …
sally.
Dear Scousenana … I am a an expat scouser …I was dx last year and had a mastectomy …last October … I too felt like my life had gone …but it hasnt it is just different …you see things differently when you have BC … I had to do everything on my own hosp appts treatments etc cos that is just the way I am …I dont think I will ever be how I was b4 this bloody ilness but I am a bit closer to getting there ,my family think I am remarkable !!! no not really just a good actress my oh mum died of bc at just 46 he was devastated so for me to get it …need i say more he has been in denial .he really has found it hard to cope …i must admit coming on inherehas been a great help as we all can share our experiences and what we are feeling I wish you well xxxxx just take a day at a time …it does get easier xxxxxxx
M
Jean
I thank you for putting into words everyhting I am feeling and thinking. It is nice to know someone else is outhere with the same emotions i am going through. Just putting them into words must have helped you. i am a very cry’y sort of person at the best of times. I lost my mum and then threee weeks later found the lump so I am in pea soup mind at the moment but reading your 1st post was like it helped clear my mind a little
God bless
Bridie
Hi Jean,
I know you already from the GR forum, and am pleased you have found your way here, as I know you will get lots of support and encouragement from all the ladies, if and when you need it.
I am a year and a bit down the line from you…and still in denial! Of course I know I have BC, but I kinda go through life thinking the silly blighters at the hospital have made a huge mistake and mixed me up with somebody else, lol!
There will come a time when you will think of your diagnosis and it will no longer feel as if someone has punched you in the stomach, but it is early days for you yet. You are in a place that we have all been, but we are still here and getting on with life, and you will too.
Once your treatment begins, the fears of the unknown you currently have will hopefully be vanquished one by one, and you will probably find you cope with it all much better than you thought you ever would.
Take one baby step at a time, and before you know it, you will be out the other side, and amazed that you have come through it, and very proud of yourself too!
Good luck with your treatment xxx
Hugs
Dee
x
Hi ladies /
Sorry i haven’t replied before, but i have been reading the posts, i was just finding difficult to reply… i guess replying felt like an admission that i had BC,
Anyway, i’m relieved to see that others feel/felt exactly the same as me.
At the moment i’m doing fine, and feeling a lot more positive than i was, which has to be a good thing. I’ve been called back for a core biopsy on lymph nodes on Friday, it seems they didn’t get enough cells last time (typical , just my luck) 
Joining the site has been invaluable, knowing i’m not alone in this damn battle is comforting, and reading stories of treatments and outcomes, really does help.
The one major problem i have at the moment, besides BC, is one of my daughters (i have 5) she is the 2nd eldest and is 36. I know she is avoiding talking to and seeing me, anyway, she finally visited on Monday and she could barely talk to me…i don’t know how to re assure her that i’m going to be fine(fingers crossed) she has told me she doesn#t know how to deal with the fact i have BC, she can’t stop crying. I’ve told her that avoiding me isn’t the answer, and i’m always there if/when she wants to talk. Any advice would be gratefully accepted.
I have joined the Breast Buddies !!! group on facebook, and have started to make new friends there too.
Thank you again for all the support, i only hope i can be as supportive when i’m needed.
I am going to try and post as often as possible, even about mundain things like what i’ve done or not done that day lol
sending love and hugs to my new found friends
Jean xxxxx
Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day