I am just approaching the end of my intensive treatment (just two rads and ten herceptin to go), and I am so scared.
I’ve done the chemo, and the surgery and taken all the drugs and advice offered, but how do I move on with the rest of my life?
I find I panic in strange situations, and am pushing both my husband and children away, as I’m too scared to love them anymore. Work are starting to put pressure on me, and despite them being told I can come back with my Hickmen I’m just scared about ever going back again.
Sometimes I just want to pretend this is a bad dream, and get on with my life, and other times, I just wish it were clearer what the future will hold.
So for the ramble, I guess I’m just feeling a little sad and sorry for myself.
Hi
I was dx last Oct,the week before my wedding,the day. Before our wedding we where asked to cancel our honeymoon as they wanted to start chemo the following Weds.I have a son 23 and a daughter 19 and my hubbie has 5 year year old twins.It has been a horrendous year,chemo until March,WLE in April,then rads in June.We finally got to have the honeymoon first 2 weeks of July.I have had the panicky feelings and unsure of myself,which frustrated me as I am an outgoing person.Am due number 8 herceptin,and starting to feel more positive.Work have been great,but remember you are covered under DDA,so don’t let them pressurise you.I still have unsure moments but positvity will come through,this will not beat me.
Hi
Mum of 2,
Well I am sure after all the treatment we all have to endure.
Just a lil bit about me
IDC - DX Feb 06
HER 2 +
ER+
PR-
6 Lymph nodes involved.
Full Radical Mastectomy
Immediate recon - Lat diep
4 Epi
4 Cmf
20 Radio
13 Herceptins. - had problems with Herceptin so only 13 doses.
If you consider the hospital is like Home from Home when we go through all this treatment. When it stops it felt like someone had taken away my COMFORT blanket, if you know what I mean!!
Unfortunately seemed to have turned into a Hypracondriate ( not sure of spelling). Because if I get a sore TOE, hypothetically speaking I am so scared that it is the cancer that has returned.
I too pushed my husband of 26 yrs away, but he to must get fed up with me at times.
I also have two wonderful children a Son 20 and a Daughter 13. I always have told them nearly everything.
But I will give you an example of how much this bloody Crap Cancer has made me into a Paranoid Hypracondriate.
I was having Headaches with Nausea over a period of a few weeks. Well my mind went into overtime and I thought oh my god it the cancer I mean has gone to my Brain? Contacted BC Nurse, whom I hastened to add is FANTASTIC. She contacted me to come along and see Onc. Went along and if you can imagine was a pig to live with sent me for a brain scan same day within a couple of hrs well i was sooooooo scared . was left a week but low and behold NO RETURN OF THE CANCER!! I was thrilled as you can imagine.But I am not like it all the time Life has begun to return to Normality. I do get good days and of course bad days. I am more posotive the longer time goes on and I am a fighter and I tell myself to pull myself together. These are as far as I am concerned Normal feelings that you are having and things will get more easier as time goes on.
So always remember dont let this Cancer beat you - stay strong!!
Oh and funnily enough headaches disappeared as quick as they came. Could have been migraine but as you already probaly know paranoid springs to mind.
You look after yourself
Take Care
Tracey
xx
How I sympathise. I went through exactly the same feelings when my treatment ended in June 2006. I pushed all my family away and was so scared about going back to work.
I wont lie and say that it all works out quickly as it takes a lot of time. Eventually you will feel confident again but I would realistically say that for me it took two years.
Dont expect too much too soon - you will get there but dont be hard on yourself as it is a long slow process.
Thank you for all your lovely words of support, I’m not sure where I’m going, or even hoping to go with this … but it’s got to be far better than the last seven months!
I have 7 rads sessions to go (5 of which are boosters) and am triple nageative so as from the 16th September I am on my own.
This weekend has been horrendous as I have very little patience with ANYTHING. I need to do something but can’t be arsed, sick of looking at the same old 4 walls, sick of talking to the same old people (which includes my OH and child) sick of thinking the same old thoughts and sick of everything…except alcohol. I seem to be drinking more and more just to get a decent night’s sleep and forget about it all. I think my brain has had enough of these shitty thoughts and cannot think about anything else. I am going on holiday in 2 weeks and although I think I can’t wait for it - I am also thinking that it still will give me too much time for nastly thoughts. I haven’t worked since dx in March and have now got the culmination of cabin fever and stir crazy all at once. I have had awful feelings in my neck area which my onc has dx as stress - which was a complete shock as I thought the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes (brain in overdrive) and as soon as she had said “ITS NOT CANCER” - I relaxed and the feeling went. I feel so neurotic is unbelieveable…
OH just sits there and watches TV…last night I ‘threw’ myself in bed @ 10 as he was watching the most stupidest film ever…king kong (good film when I am rational) but absolutely the crappiest film EVER when I was feeling shitty. To save me going off my head I just went to bed. I need to get back to normality but WHAT is normality now? Surgery, chemo and radio…and the thoughts that it may come back are doing my head in.
How do you get ‘over’ it?? - IF EVER
advice please
Anita
It is the most appauling feeling and you feel like you will never get on with your life. What turned it around for me was that I had a major scare last Xmas. I needed surgery and more chemo but it was now where as bad as I thought or it could have been. What I ahve laernt Is this… Today, I AM well… I FEEL well and while I have my health I will bloody well enjoy it. There were times when I pushed my OH away and he couldnt do anything right it has affected my relationship with my 3 year old… BUT I wont allow it to that any more.
I think I was afraid that if I allowed myself to enjoy anything or anyone then if the worst happened it would just make it harder. I think I’ve turned it around to enjoy whatever time I have left, and none of know ow much time we have.
I still have crap days but they arent as often.
Your feeling will never change but you WILL learn to live with them and start enjoying life again.
I haven’t been through anything like you have as I only needed surgery and rads. However, I can remember the terrible shock I felt just hearing the word cancer. I was talking to a colleague yesterday who had a serious car crash a few years ago. She needed two years of counselling for Post Traumatic Stress before she was fit to “move on”. She still gets all tearful at the memories. After she had told me, I thought this is almost exactly what someone who has treatment for a life threatening illness goes through - the initial shock, the recurring thoughts of impending death, coping with the treatment, rehabilitation etc. Its no wonder you find it hard to adjust when treatment is finished - so this begs the question why are more of you not offered more support when treatment is
finished?
PS I am sure you have all read this article about when treatment finishes, but for those who haven’t, it well worth a look
Was sorry to read no peer support - perhaps all are so individual - no one is ‘the same’ different treatments/type of cancer/age/childrens age/relationships - just totally individual people - common denominator is your courage and bravery. Sad Mum2Two feels she is distancing herself from husband and children - how old are they? Whatever their age they need you. Many people seem to do that. Very hard for you all to be in that situation. What about other family - have you a Mum/Sister/Brother or other family member you could talk to, or have you shut them out? They are probably longing to help if you would let them, or perhaps someone totally impartial may be able to help you.
I too pushed my son and Husband away after treatment had finished. Hubby found it especially hard as he had been used to doing everything for me and we would have terrible arguments as I want to do things now even though it takes me twice as long. We have both been for counselling which has really helped
xx Jools
Hi everyone, From 8th October treatment finishes (rads finish). I already feel out on a limb and have the everyache is cancer feeling. I had WLE, chemo and rads- dx Feb 08. I am scared and am already going back to old habits- smoking, too much wine etc. Any advice welcome.
I too am coming to the end of my treatment (8 more days of chemo tablets then 4 weeks’ radiotherapy). I have been so positive during the surgery and chemo phase but now, with the end of the aggressive treatments in sight, am starting to feel really anxious. I’ll be on Tamoxifen for 5 years and am going to see the Occ Health and Personnel officers at my workplace next week to discuss going back but in spite of a fairly optimistic prognosis (something I have also felt guilty about) I just can’t envisage getting back to ‘normal’ (or what passes for normal for me). Has anyone else felt like this and if so how did you cope ?
It was as if I’d gone into shock. Couldn’t answer phone, go shopping on my own or put petrol in car. Lots of Silly things.
Thank goodness for the support offered by Oncology Dept after my radio check up in Jan. Was referred to a BCC nurse specialising in Psychological Aftermath. Really helped me to overcome
my fears and get on with living a ‘normal’ life.