Hi
I have completed first five rads,ten to go but I have found this week to be very emotional.
I know that everyone says chemo is easier,but my thoughts are that with chemo we sit and chat and have a coffee,although the side effects are worse,with rads I have found it more intrusive in a way in that all is exposed and the prodding and poking to get in the correct position.I know I should be used to stripping off for onc to examine me,but this feels different.
Sorry if not making sense,but I it has upset me this week,although radiographers have been great, and bc nurse says its natural as treatment is coming to an end.Has anyone felt like this?
I am starting RADS Mon so will let you know. I was warned by my Chemo Nurses that you can get emotional when you near the end of your treatment, almost like having a crash, and waiting to see what happens,I suppose it’s a bit like you have been on a journey and it is nearing the end, so it is hardly surprising is it what we have been put through. I suppose with the chemo we plan our lives in 3 week cycles and we have soooo many drugs as well, it’s bound toall have an effect when they leave your body.
Congratulate yourself on achieving your first week, and tick it off as you say only 10 to go.
Mary
I have finished my chemo but have yet to start rads. I feel that I cannot bear to have my body touched in any way any more. I don’t know what I am going when rads start because as you say it is so much easier than chemo and so this feelng is hard to explain. I am even thinking about not having rads. My body aches so much .I feel sick and faint even when I have my Hickman line flushed.
I am not feeling down or miserable and am recovering from the last chemo ok, but my body yells leave me alone and it is becoming difficult to ignore it.
have just moved up the thread on anger where did that come from to show you you are not the only one
the emotions do run riot in Rads. Wonder if it has anything to do with the tiredness, the lack of soaky baths,not wearing prosthesis, rethinking bras etc combine with the way that you are positioned.
Do you know the names of your radiographers. I always felt better when there was one particular gentle radiographer on who apologised when she had to reposition me.
Have you talked to the radiographers about it?
Be reassured that you are not the only one. Be gentle with yourself and think of a treat to mark the end of the first week.
Crispy
Thanks I have just read through it and replied.
The girls do apologise and they are really lovely,another issue is that I still have a problem with my wound which is being packed daily and I had a really strong dressing over it at start of week, which was concerning them as they were worried about it tearing my skin, but that was sorted yesterday and I now have a none sticky dressing over it.However as I was getting ready to go this morning the dressing fell away and the packing,although only small fell out.District nurse not due until pm so took one with me.I have to have rads with the packing in as doc has put it on script,BC nurse not in so had to wait for a doc to come and do it, I feel that I am causing them more problems,but the logical me knows I am not,these things happen …
Oh how I long for the day when I can have a long soak in a deep bubbly bath
As you will have seen from the other thread even the smallest thing can set you off. had my first wobble at the end of the first week waiting for the doctor os know how you feel.
With chemo you know the cycle and there is a gap to build up strength for the next cycle. Rads seems to take over your life as it is everyday and must be more so if you have to fit in the district nuse as well.
I always found Fridays the worst treatment. Enjoy the weekend and the rest from travelling
Sorry to hear that you are so down after completing your 1st week of rads. As I’m sure you know I was a rads girl but not with chemo beforehand - therefore I can’t comment personally about the difference in the regime. I can understand however that the actual logisitics are poles apart and that you probably do feel more like a person when getting chemo given that you get to chat and have a coffee and such like … rads units are sort of conveyor belt treatment areas and the fact that you have to lie, exposed and alone does sort of make it difficult. My rads ladies and the odd gent) were wonderful and always chatty - they did their best when re-positioning me and often asked me to move my hips to the right or left myself rather than manhandle me too much.
I think also there is an element of the long hard slog coming to an end and to a degree you are probably feeling scared about the end of treatment when you will be flying solo so to speak.
I undertook all my treatment very matter of factly - I made a joke of almost every aspect and this helped me (obviously not for everyone but it got me through it) but I do remember entering my last week of rads and starting to feel a little unsettled - as long as I was ‘in treatment’ I felt safe and a part of me did start to think that once treatment ended the cancer had a chance to start creeping back.
The wound issue must be upsetting you too - it’s just one more thing to have to cope with and in the end it just gets to you. Hope you are feeling a little better - you’ve come so far and hopefully an end is in sight for you now.
Thanks Lilac
I knew you would offer your words of wisdom.As I say I cant fault the ladies, they are always polite and I assist when having to move,as you say its coming to the end but I know I will get there, and as usual freindly words here from others who have been there and done it always helps
I’m glad that the words from us been there done that crowd have helped. This BC stuff is just crap isn’t it - hang on in there and you will get there in the end. Rads are a major disruption to life as they are every day so planning other stuff is not so easy.
I was low and miserable each Monday of my rads. The radiographers were great, friendly and caring but I so didn’t want to be there. And I didn’t even have chemo to blame it on.
It’s all behind me now but I can really empathise with you. All I can say hang in, it won’t last forever.
Lots of hugs
Jojoxxx
Hi Mary I feel we are vulnerable when lying there half naked , I got into such a state about my markings and Ct scan, hate the stripping off bit ALWAYS even with surgeon and Onc. Feel really childish being like this talk about false modesty!!! However I understand where you are coming from. I was treated with the utmost courtesy but still wanted to shout leave me alone. Do’nt know what I will do if have to have a fellow during the next 5 weeks of rads. All they are trying to do is save our lives Cor Blimey!!! My husband had 4 weeks of rads for prostate cancer 18 months ago , I took him everyday now the tables have turned. On his last day the stiff upper lip broke and he came home and sobbed his heart out. My mum used to say the more you cry the less you pee not true really but it used to get a chuckle. If you want a bloody good cry you have one, this is a s**t experience . We are lucky to have such supportive cyberpals as well. Love Bobbiexx
Hi Mary, I found rads emotional as I had time to think. Normally, you try to keep as “active” as possible but suddenly having this thinking time imposed on me was hard. I also felt that it was such a strange position to lie in and the blisters etc were uncomfortable, but overall easier than chemo. BUT, I think we put such pressure on ourselves that it is easier, so what are we complaining about, and so I felt more guilty at being emotional during that time - OR it could just be the menopause kicking in!!
Take care, SiobhanX
I couldn’t stand radiotherapy and used to get so aggressive they thought I was going to break their machines. I hated the conveyor belt thing, changing behind a curtained off area, a grey plastic bin bag for my clothes, I just loathed every minute. One time when they threatened me I spent the session with my fingers giving them the vs up which I put in the direction of their camera. I was constantly swearing at them all. Thank god there were only 15 sessions, I counted them off each day with the thought of a tub of haagen daz at the end. I spent the three days after it finished with a tub a day.
thinking about it now makes me thoroughly sick. I vowed never to have it again
I think Siobhan has hit on a very good point when she says that when we re undergoing rads we are under pressure to an extent as it is easier than other treatments like chemo. I was one of the gang who was grateful to not requie chemo and I was delighted to tell everyone I was ‘only’ getting rads. There is no such thing as ‘just’ rads - rads are bloody hard and although not as fierce as chemo and all the crap that comes with it rads are still a pretty nasty treatment.
I expect also that if you have undergone chemo for months on end prior to rads you will be tired and sick to the back teeth of it already so when rads comes and everyone is saying how this is the ‘easier’ bit of your treatment it is just basically adding insult to injury (pardon the pun). Rads do take it out of you and you can end up feeling like sh*t but others don’t necessarily see it.
I remember one day lying there thinking about how I was willingly exposing myself and doing exactly what the kind ladies were asking me to do so that they could trot off to the safety of the control room and press a button and burn me… but at the end of the session I still got up, got dressed, smiled at them and said thanks very much.
Oh Mole that did make me laugh! I too hated every minute of rads and found the team there rude and impatient…I should really go to the lympho clinic with my oedema but its in the same building and the thought of going thru those doors again fills me with horror and as you say, makes ne feel sick.
Laine
I found that thro the initial dianosis of BC, surgery on both breasts & follow ups, all was great. Felt cared for & a human being with feelings & emotions at all times with the lovely staff being so understanding.
And then rads!! From the simulator appointment thro to the 3 treatments i had last week, I have felt inhuman. Just another body on the slab being experimented on & tortured!! I know theyre doing it for our good, but the cold felt pen on the boobs, the manipulation of my arms & the mass evacuation as the siren goes off all make me feel like cring as i lie there alone.
It is so comforting to read other gals are feeling the same. I’m relieved Ive been allowed time off work as I’m an emotional mess.
Cath
All the staff that I had were lovely but I did make a complaint about the guy that stank of cigarettes - not the best at close quarter when you are having treatment for cancer. I also didn’t like when they talked over you as if you weren’t there! Thankfully that was only a couple of sessions out of the 5 weeks. I work in the health service and find that things only change if complaints are actually made - maybe I’m just bolshy - but I refused to feel worse in an already vulnerable state! On a more positive note, I took great delight in letting my mum (mrs bucket clone) know that I now had tattoos to go with my skinhead!
SiobhanX
I’m still at chemo stage but will be doing rads. I know the side effects aren’t supposed to be as bad but I hate having to go to the hospital and having to go every day will really peeve me (polite version). Sounds like very natural feelings to me. I’m already planning what I’ll do when the treatments finished… how long have you got to go.
Have you ever noticed after a long day working or walking that your feet hurt just before you get home? I’m sure our bodies get impatient when they know we’re nearly there.