Grieving for my old life!

[Petal88]

Nanny_Sal how did the taping go? Do you think it helped? I had it done again but only for the five days. I am due to go back the week after next with my daughter so she can learn how to apply it for me. I had to wait a long time for the appointment but hope it will be worth it as the breast oedema is still very painful even after a year now. I have my last Herceptin jab very soon and then an Oncology follow-up. How is everyone else doing? I hope the quiet spell means we are all settling and coping better. I do still struggle at times, mainly with the frustration iof not being able to do everything as before e.g. gardening for hours. I get so tired and can't do as much with the lymphoedema being in my right arm. I know it is only a small grumble though and I am truly thankful to be here and enjoy this beautiful weather. Love to all.

[Petal88]

More good news, my MRI scan was clear and my blood tests for a genetic link to my sister's cancer was also ok. I feel a lot more confident now and hope to get my visual problems and possible hernia sorted out and move forward. I have even booked a holiday in May with one of my daughters and her family.
Best wishes to all, hoping you are ok.

[Nanny_Sal]

That's great news Petal, I know it's hard but try to hold onto the fact that it was good news. I think trusting them will take time. Glad to hear the Mammogram wasn't as painful as you expected. Sounds like you can try and relax for a bit 😃 Go out and celebrate....even if it's just treating yourself to a cuppa and cake! Xxxx

[Petal88]

The mammogram wasn't as painful as I thought it would be with the oedema and I was happy to hear that it looked ok and the ultrasound only showed thickened skin (probably after rads) as well as the oedema but no cancer. I was relieved - but funnily enough still not able to trust them completely after having been originally told my cancer hadn't spread before and then being told it was indeed under my arm and I needed urgent chemo. I hope I can stop being paranoid!

[Nanny_Sal]

You can't get much past me 😃 hope you enjoyed the game!! Xx

[lexilou3]

Oh Sal... i have been rumbled ! feel like one of your minxing charges !!! he he x x

[Nanny_Sal]

Enjoy the rugby Lexi.........I wander whether you enjoy the game.......or just the nice muscular thighs and tight bums!!!! 😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝😝

[lexilou3]

Hi Nanny sal and Petal,
Sounds like your lives are settling again, reading your news abiut taping and further appts you both sound a little easier. Thinking of you both. Have a lovely weekend x x 6 nations rugby for me, if that cant distract well.... He he 😄

[Nanny_Sal]

Hi Petal

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive about things. I just got back from Gynae appointment. Booked in for a hysteroscopy on the 26th March. Not looking forward to it, but hoping that they can reassure me that all is fine and that I can continue on Tamoxifen with no further worries.

Still seems never ending.

Good luck with your mammogram on Monday, I know my first one post treatment was not the most comfortable experience, but it wasn't too bad. Definitely take a couple of pain killers before you go 😉 Hope you have a nice weekend. Xxx

[Petal88]

Feeling a bit better now and really grateful you were all there when I was in a dark place recently. I still don't have the test results I need but I saw the GI (gastro-intestinal) surgeon yesterday. He wants to wait for the genetic type test results to come back (another two weeks at least) and if all is clear then I will have a stomach ultrasound as it may be a hernia causing my pain. Who would have thought I'd be ok to hear that news? I am more relaxed about the BC as my blood tests with cancer markers were clear so that's one out of the way. I was in a downward spiral feeling I was getting more and more wrong with me but this morning I feel I can cope again. I will be nervous about the results and I have my mammogram looming on Monday. Not looking forward to a breast with oedema being squashed, I think I'll take paracetamol before I go!
How is everyone else?

[Nanny_Sal]

Well I'm all taped up 😉 its certainly different, but if it works I'm happy to give it a go!

Spoke to BCN today. I say spoke too, I'm not sure she was really listening and felt like I was using up her valuable time. So looks like they might re scan on Friday but that's about it! Hopefully things will look more normal and they will send me on my way! 😉 I can but hope.

Hope you are having a good day Petal xx

[Petal88]

It was comfortable enough - have you had a patch test on your arm to make sure you can wear the plaster tape? It stays on for 5 days and then off for 2 and it is normally for 6 weeks I think. I presumed I was to do it myself but it was a second lymphoedema nurse (mine was on holiday) who said it would be better if someone else did it. I am lucky my daughter lives quite near me but perhaps you will be able to manage.
You can shower or have a bath but not soak the tape. If it gets a bit wet it should still be ok. It's a bit of a nuisance then but I will try anything to get rid of the painful breast oedema after all these months. Let us know how it goes x

[Nanny_Sal]

Hi

Got to be honest, I find the exercises just too hard to fit in everyday 😔 I try to do them at least once a day and the arm ones I can do 3x a day most days! It's just so time consuming! I think the taping is going to be an issue for me, as I don't have anyone who can do it for me! So unless I keep going back to the nurse, i don't see how it's going to work 😔

How did you find it worked? Was it comfortable? Can you bath/shower with the tape on? Xx

[Petal88]

I'm having taping, too. I have tried it and now have to learn how to have it applied. It is placed over the area that has oedema in strips that are cut in a large piece of stretchy tape. Sorry, difficult to describe.My daughter will come and learn to do it for me because you have to stretch slightly so that when the tape is on and you move about it gently lifts the skin a little and lets the lymph flow better and hopefully the oedema will decrease. Do you also do the daily massage that encourages the lymph to flow away from the affected side? What with that and exercises every day because of cording it does become a bit boring!

[Nanny_Sal]

Hi Petal,

Good Luck with all your upcoming appointments. Tedious isn't it?! Can't wait for next week when hopefully I can have a whole week hospital appointments free! I can but hope!!

Not looking forward to Friday, but I know I should be grateful that they are keeping an eye on things. Just hoping this doesn't turn into a regular appointment. I'd like to start going to less appointments not more.

On a plus I saw the Lymphoedema nurse today and my arm has reduced slightly 😃 so the sleeve seems to be doing its job! Now to work on the Breast. I'm going to see her again tomorrow and she's going to Tape my Breast to help with the lymphatic flow?! Not sure how that works, but willing to try anything.

Lots of Love to all xxxxxx

[Petal88]

Hi to all now posting on here. hang on in there Nanny_Sal and good luck at your appointment. It must help just to know when they are seeing you and hopefully it will have a positive outcome.
I am slowly getting my appointments sorted out. I had my pre-chemo and the doctor was lovely. She has said I am to have an MRI scan to see if all the chemo and hormones etc. have caused a change in my brain that is making me have the bouts of visual disturbance. She says it is NOT to look for brain cancer BUT, to be on the safe side, I have had a blood test to check there is no genetic link to my sister's cancer. That will take three weeks so I am taking one day at a time and not getting worked up about it (yet). I actually think the visual stuff is connected to blood pressure levels as mine is spiking lots these days so I hope they will sort that out now. I am already on beta blockers.
My itchy scalp has responded brilliantly to steroid treatment so fingers crossed it will stay that way as I wean myself off it. It does sound so pathetic to moan about itches but they are very wearing when they are intense and persistent and I write it here in case anyone has the same problem.
I'll let you know what the gastro enterology surgeon says on Thursday. I obviously don't want anything wrong in my gut but it would be nice to know there is a reason other than possible further cancer.
I sincerely hope everyone has a good and positive week. It is so good to know this support network is still working well.

[Nanny_Sal]

Thanks Lexi, well I've finally got an appointment with the Gynaecologist. It's next Friday! So I'm 99% sure that they aren't going to find anything sinister and they will just want to keep an eye, or tell me the thickening is normal, as my periods are back! So why is it that little 1% can through my brain into overdrive, thinking the worse?!

I'm just hoping that next Friday they can tell me there and then that all is okay, and not need to do tests that leave me waiting for results. Really not sure if I can cope with that right now 😔 Surely eventually all this has to come to an end, and I can get some positive news!! Or doesn't it work like that!

Anyway hoping you all have a nice wknd xxxxxx

[lexilou3]

Hi Nanny Sal
Hear you loud and clear.wishing you peace and serenity over the next few weeks and months. Much love LL xxxx

[Nanny_Sal]

Thanks Seabreeze and Lexi, I know you're right and I am trying hard to think positively. I'm also very grateful that I have a job I love and a job that currently allows me time to fit appointments in. I suppose I just thought/hoped that things would just get back to 'normal' quicker than they are! But I am going to stop looking for a new job and relax for 6/12 months, enjoy the slightly more relaxed position that I have. Then hopefully things will be more settled, I'll of had my mammogram in June (already dreading that one) and I'll hopefully be in a better position to start over with a new family.

Having said all that, I am still sad that I missed out on that job. Friends don't seem to understand and have brushed it off as no big deal. Ever felt like you're trapped inside a glass box where people can see you, but they definitely can't hear you? That's how I feel, I say I'm sad, they hear I'm a bit fed up but I'll be okay! I say I've HAD to decline my perfect job due to all this rubbish, they hear oh I decided not to take the job as I am sure something better will come along.

I just want to scream out.......FOR GOODNESS SAKE LISTEN TO ME...................

And count to 10, relax, moan over! Xxxxxxxx

[lexilou3]

Hi Nanny sal,
Like you i have struggled, feel i have failed with expectations. Initial diagnosis changed x2 for slightly worse diagnosis as my ride bucked and threw me around. Now post surgery and rads, on hormone meds and so weary. Slowly getting back to work (long way off from full time), slowly finding new ordinary. Also new grumpy and new definition for fine... Fudged up, Insecure,Neurotic,Exhausted. Found that on other posts, but perfect for for me atm.
Trying to take pleasure from walks, signs of spring.
Be kind to you, much love LL

[Seabreeze]

Nanny Sal,
Understand your frustrations re position with the job offer and your feelings about it....however 2 positives from this,
1 - you have given yourself time and space to recover and get through the next rounds without the pressure of a new job - such a decision takes strength and honesty
2 - you were offered the job when you evidently still have a lot to deal with. That's a big complement to you given that you evidently made a great impression even when not feeling your best. If you can do it now, you'll be able to do it when you are further along the hurdle journey.
It's hard to do but try to view elements of this as testimony to your abilities and strengths, despite the rest.
Seabreeze

[Nanny_Sal]

Hi Emerald

Seems there are a few of us still struggling along on this journey. Like you I just feel it's one thing after another. I'm still waiting for an appointment with the Gynaecologist! Wish they would get a move on, so I can get the all clear and move on.

Today I declined the job offer 😢 It would of been my ideal job, and because of all this I just didn't feel it would be fair on them to accept, when I have so many appointments in the next few months!

But feel so sad and fed up! Feel like I'm letting this take over my life, which is frustrating when I worked throughout my treatment because I didn't want to let the Cancer run my life! I just feel useless.

I know I have to stop giving myself a hard time, but right now I just feel this is never ending.

Think I will mark today down as a bad day.....perhaps tomorrow will be better! Sending you ((((((((BIG HUGS)))))) Emerald xxx

[June_BCC]

Hello EmeraldEyes22

Welcome to the forums.

As well as the forums we also have a support helpline where the staff can offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.

Best wishes,

June moderator

[EmeraldEyes22]

You're so not alone...I had a Mastectomy in January last year and I also have Graves Disease...I had complications and infections which resulted in me rejecting 2 implants and 6 further ops later, I had LD Flap op which took a muscle from my back...Although I am mostly ok now, I am not completely rebuilt, I am still waiting for a couple of touch up ops and a match to my other breast, but seeing as I have been through so much, they are leaving me alone for a year..

I had started a new job and was prmoted, despite having Cancer, but ude to the unforseen complications, I lost my job in may, am guessing through to needing time off...I was gutted...I lost my looks, my job, my house and nearly everything in it..and of course, my breast...So I am too going though a similar process of grieving for my old life..

I alslo look at old pictures of myself and in the mirror and the 2 images do not tally in my mind..and though people kindly say I am still me, the same person, I fear I am not..I can barely look at underwear in shops, which I used to love and no matter what I wear, I'm still not happy with the way I look..I can't explain why..

I'm much better than I was, it does get easier..I think I am just gutted at them saying I would simply lose my breast, get a new one and a few months on they would fix the other one and promised me the boobs of a 20 year old...I was quite superficially appeased by this, being 48 at the time, I am now 49..But, it wasn't quite like that..My thyroid started playing up and I took a lot longer to heal, kept getting infected and so my new boobs are a long way off, but I can't quite move on, as I am reminded of that damned cancer everyday...I just want to put it all behind me and carry on, but my scars, both front and back are pretty severe and I feel incomplete...unfinished...I know I am lucky to have beaten it and to still be alive..and I do feel it..in a way...but also not..

I guess it's swings and roundabouts...I get better being busy and try not to think about it..I have days where I don't think about or dwell on it all...(those are good days!) and days where I just wish the world would swallow me up and I just cry and cry and cry..But I write them off as bad days...tomorrow's another..

I don't quite feel ready to grab my life back..I'm a strong woman, thankfully..but for some reason, I find it difficult to get over..so no...you're not alone...and am pretty sure there are many, many others like us...We are lucky, we live to tell the tale, but that doesn't mean we're not affected...We will come to terms with it, when we're ready...and then move on...it's what we do...I so hope yoour time comes quickly...and mine xxx

[Nanny_Sal]

Hi Naz, clue might be in my name! I'm a nanny. I work as a live in nanny and the new position would be a great move.....BUT......with these appointments looming, I just don't think I can accept it 😞 I have spent days going from wanting to accept, to knowing it's just not a good time! Having spoken to my current boss today, they are happy for me to stay as long as I want. So I think I will try sorting myself out physically and emotionally over the next few months, and then move on and start a fresh!

Sorry to hear you are being made redundant, I hope you manage to find a job that makes you happy. After all we have been through, we deserve to be happy and content in our work life! Let's face it we spend long enough doing it! Xx

[NAZ]

Nanny Sal, just off topic, what do you do for a living? I am being made redundant at the end of March and need job inspiration! What is the job you have been offered? ( call me noisy if you want) but now I am in a better place mentally ( and you will get there too!) I am more focused on jobs and what i have to offer. Xx

[Nanny_Sal]

Oh I know how you feel Petal, I am currently waiting for a Gynae appointment, which is taking forever! I'm assuming that's a good thing as must mean they aren't too worried. But then the referral letter from Oncologist said Urgent Referral?! Work that out!

Monday I have an appointment with the Lymphoedema nurse, although could of done with seeing her weeks ago! Then in a couple of weeks I have an appointment with the Oncologist! So it really does feel like it's never ending.

So much for trying to get on with my life! I've been offered a new job and have spent days trying to decide whether this is really the best time to move on 😞 I've never been so indecisive before and I HATE it!

Anyway enough moaning from me, I need to get back to work!

Lots of love to all.

NAZ thanks for your kind words. It really does help to know that this is normal, and I totally agree that you don't get any medals for coping alone! If we did I would have a cupboard full 😉 xx

[Petal88]

Thanks so much for making me feel it is ok to have had such a long moan! I try so hard to be positive but feel I live in clinics, surgeries and hospitals. I, too, will take comfort from this thread! Hang on in there everyone, we will get through it with all its ups and downs. I'll let you know when I've got any results.

[NAZ]

Trust me Nanny Sal, EVERTHING you are feeling and experiencing, is entirely normal.

You get no medal for soldiering on by yourself with BC and remember, even though some appear to be going great guns, who knows what happens when they are at home or work!

Hide away here for a bit, we don't mind 🙂

[Nanny_Sal]

Petal I get exactly where you are coming from, and although I don't wish this on anyone. I have to say it's nice to know others feel the same way.

I have a lovely little group of ladies on the Chemo thread, but I feel that I am the only one who ever has anything to moan about. I seem to have one drama after another, and am still dealing with hospital/doctors appointments. Occasionally I have found that no one has replied to my message, and of course I assume it's because they are fed up with supporting/listening to my moans! So then I don't bother saying anything about me. But that sort of defeats the object!

It's the same in the real world. But I am slowly realising that if I need help/support then I have to find the courage to ask for it! So I'm working on that. Until then, I will come and hide out here for a bit. We can all have a little moan, without anyone judging us!

Sending ((((((((Big Hugs)))))))) to anyone that needs them. My spirits have been lifted by hearing that all this is normal, and that hopefully things do get easier xx

[Petal88]

Hi Everyone. I have used this site a lot on several boards and found it extremely helpful all through chemo but was really quite relieved to find this one as I am so with you. I feel I am the only negative person out of my monthly chemo group and I try not to moan but I feel I am taking one step forward and two back at the moment.
My DX was in November 2013 just 8 months after my husband had passed away. With some of my family living fairly close to me I managed reasonably well all through chemo (Tax x6)despite being in hospital twice with neutropenia and having a transfusion for anaemia. I had a wide excision and node clearance followed by rads and am now near the end of my year of three weekly Herceptin jabs. I was on Letrozole but it gave me cystitis then on Tamoxifen but had leg pains which made me panic and the consultant oncologist I saw in January said that my cancer was driven by the HERv2+++ and I was so weakly oestrogen positive that I can have a break from the hormones and see if I need a different one at my review in April and maybe not have any.
In the meantime I have had lots of hot flushes and visual disturbance (migraine with no headache but very alarming) and these are now becoming very frequent despite not being on hormones any more. The flushes are on and off all day, some days worse than others, and the visual stuff is happening at least twice a week and was twice just yesterday, in one eye in the afternoon and the other one in the evening. I have been telling the doctors about it but nobody seems to understand how frightening it is. At least I am due to see the onc doctor on Friday this week before my next Herceptin jab next week and I will ask for help as I feel I can't cope much more. I, too, have had breast oedema ever since my operation last May and have recently had to start wearing my sleeve all day and a glove at night as my hand and arm started to swell a couple of weeks ago. Hence the feeling of now going backwards again.
On a more positive note, the Moving Forward course was very helpful and I would recommend it. I do know I should be thankful the doctors seem pleased with my progress but my anxiety levels are sky high at the moment as my GP has asked for a test to rule out a link to my sister's cancer as I have stomach (as in gut) problems, too. She has a rare type of cancer, much worse than my BC, which can have genetic links and even though I asked about it when I had my DX I have been told there is no reason to think I have the same type as well. Now, however, I am to see a gastroenterologist to see what he thinks is causing my pain and I can't help but worry. As this is all going on, my oncologist has requested blood tests with cancer markers and I am to have an ultrasound and mammogram fairly soon so I can't ask for her to be more thorough. It is just I am back to waiting for appointments and results.
I am sorry this has turned into an essay but it is really good to be able to "talk" to someone. Supportive as family can be, I feel I can't keep moaning to them. They are just glad I am outwardly doing really well and I can't let them know how scared I am on several fronts. Thanks to anyone who has had the patience to wade through all this!

[Nanny_Sal]

Thanks to all of you for your very supportive and informative replies. It's amazing how much it helps to know that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. I think I just need to find a way of off loading to someone, whether that be a friend or an 'expert'! I can see now that although I think I can cope on my own.....clearly I can't and that's okay. It's okay to ask for help! Wow didn't think I would ever hear myself saying that.

Anyway, sending love to you all and wishing you all the very best on your continued journeys. Xxxxx

[Seabreeze]

Hi Catweasel,
Sympathise re work situation...I had a few difficulties (under the occupational health strands). I'm sure you are aware of this but just in case...if your contract includes annual leave this should still be accumulated and rolled over from while you were off sick. I've ended up using that for days not in as part of phased return.

Everyone - the Breast Cancer Care Moving Forward course is really good at reassuring you that what you are feeling is a normal reaction to what we have been through and suggesting some practical advice and suggestions on how to adjust. Really recommend it.
Seabreeze

[Catweasel]

Hi Nanny Sal
I read what you say and totally agree with everything. I was only diagnosed the end of March 2014 & am shortly to return to work. I couldn't have worked through treatment & to be honest could quite happily pack in altogether (not missed it at all).
My treatment was similar though had full mastectomy and only 4 rounds of chemo. Now taking Letrozole for 5 years which does seem to make my back problem a bit worse in a morning.
Like you my friends seem to think that as treatment has finished then I must be back to normal but of course it's a new normal and I still struggle to look in the mirror when I have no clothes on. I hate looking at the missing boob!
I dislike my job but can't afford to leave altogether though I am able to take my work pension in April if I choose and have already put forward that I want to reduce my days (like everyone else in our position I have found that life is really for living and as such I want to make the most of it). My temper (which has always been short) is even shorter, I find I get so cross when people moan with say a headache or something similar
- I want to scream and ask if they want to be in my shoes - I'm sure the answer would be no.
Every course I go on and meet people I get told things will get better but that it takes time - these people have not always been through treatment but have listened to ones that have. I guess we all have to work through it in our own way/time.
I have just found out that any rehab hours I don't work after March I don't get paid for , so the stress I was feeling for returning to work has just gone through the roof again - I mean how do you live without any pay - I am getting the ESA but it's not enough to survive on!
Enough of my rant.
Best wishes to everyone xxx

[NAZ]

Hi Nanny Sal

There is nothing pathetic about how you are feeling at all. It's a normal reaction to a totally abnormal situation! Your body and brain have been to hell and back and that is bound to catch up with you at some point.

In the grand scheme of life after BC, it is still early days for you in my view. I am 5 years post DX now and I can tell you, that exactly 3 years after my DX, i hit a massive brick wall (which then took 2 years to recover from!). For me,  I had been in denial and had lots of surgey and reconstruction issues to cope with. Then I HATED my body, wouldnt look at it and that impacted on how i felt about myself and work performance - in fact my whole life really.

You are absolutely grieving for your old life and who wouldn't? It is part of the recovery process, we have to grieve and mourn that old life, in order for us to take steps to feel comfortable with the 'new normal' which so many people talk about and that takes TIME.

Don't worry about those on line who appear to be doing so well.. I did that too and it made me feel worse. In truth, we all deal with the after effects of this hideous disease in our own way and we don't really know what goes on behind closed doors. For all we know, those who seem to be coping well, may well be having meltdowns in the bath each night..

Your nearest and dearest (unless they have walked a mile in your shoes) will never be able to empathise properly, but a counsellor who is trained to listen to the issues which we face, may be a better option? A counsellor won't be able to fix the lympodema or the hot flushes, you can rant and express your TRUE feelings and they won't be shocked or upset.

Things will get better and you are not alone with your feelings. They are all perfectly valid and to be expected, considering what you have been through.

NAZXXX

[melly04]

Please don't worry. I am exactly the same. I try to feel positive that I've so far survived this but awful that I look and feel so different. It's what they call the 'New Normal' didn't really understand what that meant before as I was so focused on finishing treatment and getting back to 'normal' but you don't - it is a 'new normal'. Day at a time.

hugs

Melx

[Nanny_Sal]

Thanks June I know the helpline is there, and will call if I need to. Xx

Lottie Thankyou. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Just reading your response made me cry, you made me see that I am 'normal' and not just falling apart at the seams. I know deep down that things will improve, but right now I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut, and however hard I try, I can't get out.

I think I may just need to give myself a kick up the backside! But at the same time I think I need to give myself time to get used to the new me! It probably doesn't help that I spend so much time putting on the fake smile, and telling everyone I'm fine! I gave up telling the truth, when I realised people don't deal very well when I tell them I'm struggling!

Anyway thanks again for the support. Good luck with your continuing journey xxx

[lottie63]

Hi Nanny Sal

                      I hear you 🙂 you are honestly not alone, I am 3 years from dx and have just returned from my mamogram so nervous times ! When I finished treatment in september 12 I had a bit of a up surge I think it was the relief of active treatment being over, but I did have quite a slump about 18 months to 2 years after dx, I also have lymphodema in the breast and arm and totally understand about the sleeve dressing everyday you have a constant reminder of bc , I dont think we ever go back to our old lives and yes we grieve for it as we were happy and carefree and worried over the simplest of things now we have the constant worry of bc in our lives, it does get easier and with time you will start to feel better but with other health worries to deal with as well its probably  hard to imagine you will, 

I still get very tired if I work extra hours or just overdo it in general, I also have dreadful hot flushes that wake me at night keeping me tired ! And through the day that exhaust you.... We are grateful to be here of course but things can be very very hard at times and only the people who have been through it really understand how could anyone else really ? they think its done with  and move on and as you say if only it were that simple , our eyes have been opened to a totally different world one that can be hard to deal with at times, we no we must and we will but its still hard, I hope things go well for you, and this is the place to vent... we do understand  L xx

[June_BCC]

Hello Nanny_Sal

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, please remember that our helpline staff are there to support you, why not give them a call, the free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and lines are open 9-5 Monday to Friday and 10-2 Saturday.

Best wishes

June, moderator

[Nanny_Sal]

I was diagnosed in August 2013, had lumpectomy then node clearance surgery. Chemo x6 FEC-T, 25 sessions of Radiotherapy + boosts. Now on Tamoxifen. Active treatment finished in May 2014, so almost a year ago.

I managed to work throughout my treatment, I needed to for my own sanity. I was determined that BC wasn't going to take over my life! Ha ha ha some hope. Firstly can I say I am very grateful that my Cancer was treatable and that I am now, as far as they know Cancer free.

BUT

I am angry and frustrated with the life I am left with. I have Lymphoedema and have to wear a sleeve everyday, a reminder everyday of the BC. Tamoxifen has caused hot flushes, weight gain and leg cramps! I feel about 90most days. My periods came back after not having one for a year, and it was so heavy I ended up aneamic. So I'm now taking Iron tablets, and am feeling beyond exhausted.

I feel my life now has to work around hospital appointments. I see the Oncologist every 3 months, then in June I have appointment with surgeon/have mammogram. I've also been referred to Gynaecologist due to thickening to the lining of my womb. So that's another appointment. Plus I see a thyroid doc twice a year!

I'm 40! But look and feel much older. I look in the mirror and don't see myself anymore. I don't enjoy my job as much as I did and I know it's because I want to move on......but I don't have the confidence to do it. I feel trapped and like no one truly understands.

Even on line, I have found that the ladies around me seem to be doing so well, and I feel like I am the only one who moans. The fact is they haven't had any further issues and of course I am very pleased for them, but I can't help thinking 'why me'? When do I get to try and be 'normal' again? Or is this as good as it gets?! Or am I just being really pathetic?

I've tried talking to my BCN and that was like talking to a brick wall. Family and friends, just don't understand. In their eyes treatment ended months ago, so I am fine now! Well I wish I was, I wish it was that easy.

Not really sure why I am writing this, I suppose I am hoping that someone will tell me things do get better, or that I am at least normal in having these feelings. I just want to feel that I'm not alone.