Grieving for my old life!

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I was diagnosed in August 2013, had lumpectomy then node clearance surgery. Chemo x6 FEC-T, 25 sessions of Radiotherapy + boosts. Now on Tamoxifen. Active treatment finished in May 2014, so almost a year ago.

I managed to work throughout my treatment, I needed to for my own sanity. I was determined that BC wasn’t going to take over my life! Ha ha ha some hope. Firstly can I say I am very grateful that my Cancer was treatable and that I am now, as far as they know Cancer free.

BUT

I am angry and frustrated with the life I am left with. I have Lymphoedema and have to wear a sleeve everyday, a reminder everyday of the BC. Tamoxifen has caused hot flushes, weight gain and leg cramps! I feel about 90most days. My periods came back after not having one for a year, and it was so heavy I ended up aneamic. So I’m now taking Iron tablets, and am feeling beyond exhausted.

I feel my life now has to work around hospital appointments. I see the Oncologist every 3 months, then in June I have appointment with surgeon/have mammogram. I’ve also been referred to Gynaecologist due to thickening to the lining of my womb. So that’s another appointment. Plus I see a thyroid doc twice a year!

I’m 40! But look and feel much older. I look in the mirror and don’t see myself anymore. I don’t enjoy my job as much as I did and I know it’s because I want to move on…but I don’t have the confidence to do it. I feel trapped and like no one truly understands.

Even on line, I have found that the ladies around me seem to be doing so well, and I feel like I am the only one who moans. The fact is they haven’t had any further issues and of course I am very pleased for them, but I can’t help thinking ‘why me’? When do I get to try and be ‘normal’ again? Or is this as good as it gets?! Or am I just being really pathetic?

I’ve tried talking to my BCN and that was like talking to a brick wall. Family and friends, just don’t understand. In their eyes treatment ended months ago, so I am fine now! Well I wish I was, I wish it was that easy.

Not really sure why I am writing this, I suppose I am hoping that someone will tell me things do get better, or that I am at least normal in having these feelings. I just want to feel that I’m not alone.

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Hello Nanny_Sal

I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, please remember that our helpline staff are there to support you, why not give them a call, the free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and lines are open 9-5 Monday to Friday and 10-2 Saturday.

Best wishes

June, moderator

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Hi Nanny Sal

                      I hear you :slight_smile: you are honestly not alone, I am 3 years from dx and have just returned from my mamogram so nervous times ! When I finished treatment in september 12 I had a bit of a up surge I think it was the relief of active treatment being over, but I did have quite a slump about 18 months to 2 years after dx, I also have lymphodema in the breast and arm and totally understand about the sleeve dressing everyday you have a constant reminder of bc , I dont think we ever go back to our old lives and yes we grieve for it as we were happy and carefree and worried over the simplest of things now we have the constant worry of bc in our lives, it does get easier and with time you will start to feel better but with other health worries to deal with as well its probably  hard to imagine you will, 

I still get very tired if I work extra hours or just overdo it in general, I also have dreadful hot flushes that wake me at night keeping me tired ! And through the day that exhaust you… We are grateful to be here of course but things can be very very hard at times and only the people who have been through it really understand how could anyone else really ? they think its done with  and move on and as you say if only it were that simple , our eyes have been opened to a totally different world one that can be hard to deal with at times, we no we must and we will but its still hard, I hope things go well for you, and this is the place to vent… we do understand  L xx

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Hi Nanny Sal
I read what you say and totally agree with everything. I was only diagnosed the end of March 2014 & am shortly to return to work. I couldn’t have worked through treatment & to be honest could quite happily pack in altogether (not missed it at all).
My treatment was similar though had full mastectomy and only 4 rounds of chemo. Now taking Letrozole for 5 years which does seem to make my back problem a bit worse in a morning.
Like you my friends seem to think that as treatment has finished then I must be back to normal but of course it’s a new normal and I still struggle to look in the mirror when I have no clothes on. I hate looking at the missing boob!
I dislike my job but can’t afford to leave altogether though I am able to take my work pension in April if I choose and have already put forward that I want to reduce my days (like everyone else in our position I have found that life is really for living and as such I want to make the most of it). My temper (which has always been short) is even shorter, I find I get so cross when people moan with say a headache or something similar

  • I want to scream and ask if they want to be in my shoes - I’m sure the answer would be no.
    Every course I go on and meet people I get told things will get better but that it takes time - these people have not always been through treatment but have listened to ones that have. I guess we all have to work through it in our own way/time.
    I have just found out that any rehab hours I don’t work after March I don’t get paid for , so the stress I was feeling for returning to work has just gone through the roof again - I mean how do you live without any pay - I am getting the ESA but it’s not enough to survive on!
    Enough of my rant.
    Best wishes to everyone xxx
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Hi Catweasel,
Sympathise re work situation…I had a few difficulties (under the occupational health strands). I’m sure you are aware of this but just in case…if your contract includes annual leave this should still be accumulated and rolled over from while you were off sick. I’ve ended up using that for days not in as part of phased return.

Everyone - the Breast Cancer Care Moving Forward course is really good at reassuring you that what you are feeling is a normal reaction to what we have been through and suggesting some practical advice and suggestions on how to adjust. Really recommend it.
Seabreeze

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You’re so not alone…I had a Mastectomy in January last year and I also have Graves Disease…I had complications and infections which resulted in me rejecting 2 implants and 6 further ops later, I had LD Flap op which took a muscle from my back…Although I am mostly ok now, I am not completely rebuilt, I am still waiting for a couple of touch up ops and a match to my other breast, but seeing as I have been through so much, they are leaving me alone for a year…

 

I had started a new job and was prmoted, despite having Cancer, but ude to the unforseen complications, I lost my job in may, am guessing through to needing time off…I was gutted…I lost my looks, my job, my house and nearly everything in it…and of course, my breast…So I am too going though a similar process of grieving for my old life…

 

I alslo look at old pictures of myself and in the mirror and the 2 images do not tally in my mind…and though people kindly say I am still me, the same person, I fear I am not…I can barely look at underwear in shops, which I used to love and no matter what I wear, I’m still not happy with the way I look…I can’t explain why…

 

I’m much better than I was, it does get easier…I think I am just gutted at them saying I would simply lose my breast, get a new one and a few months on they would fix the other one and promised me the boobs of a 20 year old…I was quite superficially appeased by this, being 48 at the time, I am now 49…But, it wasn’t quite like that…My thyroid started playing up and I took a lot longer to heal, kept getting infected and so my new boobs are a long way off, but I can’t quite move on, as I am reminded of that damned cancer everyday…I just want to put it all behind me and carry on, but my scars, both front and back are pretty severe and I feel incomplete…unfinished…I know I am lucky to have beaten it and to still be alive…and I do feel it…in a way…but also not…

 

I guess it’s swings and roundabouts…I get better being busy and try not to think about it…I have days where I don’t think about or dwell on it all…(those are good days!) and days where I just wish the world would swallow me up and I just cry and cry and cry…But I write them off as bad days…tomorrow’s another…

 

I don’t quite feel ready to grab my life back…I’m a strong woman, thankfully…but for some reason, I find it difficult to get over…so no…you’re not alone…and am pretty sure there are many, many others like us…We are lucky, we live to tell the tale, but that doesn’t mean we’re not affected…We will come to terms with it, when we’re ready…and then move on…it’s what we do…I so hope yoour time comes quickly…and mine xxx

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Nanny Sal,
Understand your frustrations re position with the job offer and your feelings about it…however 2 positives from this,
1 - you have given yourself time and space to recover and get through the next rounds without the pressure of a new job - such a decision takes strength and honesty
2 - you were offered the job when you evidently still have a lot to deal with. That’s a big complement to you given that you evidently made a great impression even when not feeling your best. If you can do it now, you’ll be able to do it when you are further along the hurdle journey.
It’s hard to do but try to view elements of this as testimony to your abilities and strengths, despite the rest.
Seabreeze

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Hi Nanny sal,
Like you i have struggled, feel i have failed with expectations. Initial diagnosis changed x2 for slightly worse diagnosis as my ride bucked and threw me around. Now post surgery and rads, on hormone meds and so weary. Slowly getting back to work (long way off from full time), slowly finding new ordinary. Also new grumpy and new definition for fine… Fudged up, Insecure,Neurotic,Exhausted. Found that on other posts, but perfect for for me atm.
Trying to take pleasure from walks, signs of spring.
Be kind to you, much love LL

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Hi Nanny Sal
Hear you loud and clear.wishing you peace and serenity over the next few weeks and months. Much love LL xxxx

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Hi Nanny sal and Petal,
Sounds like your lives are settling again, reading your news abiut taping and further appts you both sound a little easier. Thinking of you both. Have a lovely weekend x x 6 nations rugby for me, if that cant distract well… He he :smiley:

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Oh Sal… i have been rumbled ! feel like one of your minxing charges !!! he he x x