I am due a matstectomy soon and I am a very young 38, single working mother of a gorgeous 8 year old girl. I have been ‘properly’ single for a few years now… pretty much through choice as I have not had the best taste in men and have had some real losers relationship material wise…so I thought Id give dating a break for a while. Thend been told last month I need this treatment.
I wondered if anyone has had a mastectomy and gone on to meet a man who is OK about the way you look etc. I know there are far worse things to be concerned about - and Im wanting to keep this thread light hearted… but am worried how ‘womanly’ and sexy i might feel after this op and whether men are OK with this or not…
Hi Jenny
I dont post that much any more but thought I would after reading your thread.
I was dx Friday 13th July last year (Friday 13th June today - and had a sh1t day at work!!). I had chemo, then mastectomy then rads. I had a partner of 2 years but finished it a few months after dx - the relationship was not right anyway and should have finished before then.
I am mainly replying to what you said about feeling womanly and sexy - I have not and cannot imagine meeting anyone while I look like this. I am a young 40 and have always looked after myself. I know people say if the man is the right man it shouldnt matter etc etc - but I cannot imagine any man - or friend - seeing me like this. I am sure there are men like that out there - and maybe some other lucky women who have met these guys will reply to this thread, but I just thought I would say I know how you feel.
At the same time as I am saying this, at the mo I dont care about men - am quite happy just trying to get through this as best I can and concentrate on myself.
After re - reading this - dont think my posting will help you at all - I suppose it depends how you feel about your breasts. I will get recon early next year, but will prob get other breast off and recon at same time. Maybe one day I, you , and many others will meet a new guy - and we will just have to suss each one out - btu at the mo - its bottom of my list of priorities. That said, I dont want to be single forever - I long for a big strong cuddle.
Sorry for the ramble
F
xxx
Hi Jenny and Sparkler
I’m in my early 30s and wanted to let you know my experience of dating so that it can give you hope and please please believe that there is hope. I had a mastectomy in November and ended up going to a New Years Eve party with some friends and met a man there, started dating and we’re still very much together. He is so ok about the way I look and makes me feel very womanly and sexy. Apparently he knew about my illness before he asked me out but didn’t know the full extent. He just seems to take everything in his stride and because he’s so ok about the way I look, I’m kind of cool about it too. He did tell me that he had thought about the fact I’d had cancer but decided that so what he was still interested and so it really can happen and we are both very happy. He’s told me he’s in it for the long haul. When I told him that I wasn’t sure about being fertile, he just said oh well, we can adopt!
I had also met another man at the same time and initially was seeing them both until I decided which one I was interested in. He was also really cool about what had happened to me and basically just said whatever I can do please ask. So as far as dating goes, it hasn’t really been an issue for me. I do think that it’s hard for people in general to understand what you’ve been through i.e. the emotional side of it all.
I really hope that this has made you feel a bit more positive about dating and just wanted to say please don’t lose your confidence, after all you’ve been through, you should be so proud of yourselves and I think if you give off confident vibes, men will be attracted to your personality and the rest will follow naturally.
Ruby xx
Hi Ruby & Sparkler - thank you for your messages … I can kind of see this from both perspectives and at the moment I am more worried about getting myself through this op and keeping well etc, but it would be nice to have a big manly hug at some point in the next few years!!! I just cant imagine how I will look / feel about myself let alone how others will feel etc.
as a sideline … I am amazed how many younger ( 20 -45 ) women have this. I joined the site only a few weeks ago expecting to be one of the yougest on here and was so suprised to see Im of average age!
I’ve not met a new man since surgery - and my surgery was WLE as opposed to mast - but my partner and I had only been seeing each other for about 6 months before my DX. I was worried that it might put the mockers on the relationship but we are still together. My partner is 12 years younger than me and he’s fine with my various scars (I’ve had a few other ops in my time so have accumulated a few scars along the way). I did ask him how he would feel if I needed to have a mast and chemo he said as long as I was ok then that was all that mattered. We have made a joke of everything that has happened all along including the itchy foof caused by the tamoxifen!
The only time I was at all concerned about my scar and the affects rads were having on my skin was in the run up to my friend’s wedding - the wedding had been brought fwd as the groom was terminally ill with cancer and as I was at the end of rads week 3 I had started to go a bit red. I had a spaghetti strap dress but found a bolero jacket to wear over it to cover the red bits as I didn’t want to be standing there like a walking cancer advert … mid way through the evening reception I got very warm and it was actually the groom who suggested removing the jacket and not to worry about ppl seeing my burned bits. On the whole ppl who care about you don’t concern themselves about what you look like and those who do aren’t worth worrying about.
Good luck with your surgery and treatment.
the main issue as far as I am concerned is how I feel about myself, if I feel confident I can take on the world, if not it stinks so I’d work on how you feel about you
I’ve managed to form a few relationships afterwards, and the men haven’t been put off
Mole
I am bit older than you girls, but I re-married after my first dx. I had a reconstruction, but did not have nipple recon and the recon was never that perfect. When I met my new partner (who is now my husband) I told him about the BC and the fact that I had a recon. He was ‘cool’ as they say. I was a bit worried the first time we got together and kept my bra on - silly me! But evrything was so great between us, that I never worried about it again and never felt ashamed in front of him, and we got married a year later. When I later needed a total mastectomy after a recurrence, he was not the slightest bit worried. As he said I never knew with perfect boobs, so what’s the problem! Great and lovely man, I am so lucky.
As Molennium said, you need to feel good about yourself and then everything else will fall into place.
Good luck with the dating game.
Birgit
Hi
Yes I’ve met a new man since bilateral mastectomies and reconstruction three years ago. My reconstruction isn’t brilliant either, looks good in a bra, but not so good without one. I hadn’t even had my nipples tattooed when I met Chris, but he was fabulous. I kept covering my breasts and he just kept taking my hands away and told me to stop worrying. They either love you for who you are, or they don’t. I’ll always have a complex about them, I think that is just me, and if I ever see him glance at anyone else even for a fleeting second, I think I will always feel insecure. It is what this shitty disease and the consequences do to you, when you go from a reasonably nice 34DD to reconstruction I think it almost feels like a bereavement if that makes sense. You are sort of grieving for what you once had. My partner has never known me any other way, although he has seen previous photos, but he says I still look fabulous and that’s good enough for me.
After my initial reconstruction went wrong following infection and I had no breasts for about 5 - 6 months I really thought this is it now, loveless, sexless, on my own and I was 48, so also thought past it, but how wrong I was.
You have to just get out there, and Mr Right will definitely come along.
Good luck.
Julie
As I’ve already said I have accumulated a few surgical scars over the years and used to dislike them (I would not go as far as to say hate) but then someone pointed out that some of the surgeries I’ve had actually saved my life and each scar marked another 2nd chance at life … one friend actually calls me ‘she of the nine lives’
As others have said the most important thing is that you feel good about yourself.
Hi Everyone
I was 39, a single parent of 2 and given a high risk of breast and ovarian cancer.
I met my fella at work 2 months before my mast/recon (preventative). He put up with my hysterics and grumpy moments in the weeks leading up to my op. He put up with me phoning him from my hospital bed at 2am in tears, when he was up at 4am to go to work. I had intended to ‘keep my bra on’ until after my second recon and new nipples were done. One day he said why don’t you just show me? It was totally out of the blue and not exactly in the most appropiate place, but I just gritted my teeth and showed him. His reaction was so accepting, in fact he didn’t react at all really and since then I do not think twice about it.
I had met another man a couple of months before that and I told him about my forthcomming surgery and I didn’t see him again. He ran for the hills! That says it all.
I am due to have second op in 11 days and friends keep saying it must be easier this time round knowing what to expect, actually NO it isn’t.
Hope all goes well for you Jenny.
Jackie x
Hi All,
As a 34E, divorced mother of 3 under 12, i had been dating a man for a couple of years pre to diagnosis, it was very volatile, we where in Tenerife just after i discovered lump, and he wouldnt even feel it to see if i imagining it (we are both nurses!!)…Anyway as soon as i was homegi got an appointment, he was an hour late, but there when i got the bad news…supported me through surgery and chemo but dumped me during rads!..To cut a long story short , throughout he was nasty eg re hair loss “you knew that was going to happen” as i was in shower covered in hair!!.. Actually had no physical contact ,Confidence at a low…but when we split, went internet dating, i had met him on another site!! Actually i was following another thread re “my partner is leaving me”…Rob the Nob must be my exes twin!!
Met a lovely man, lives 10 miles away, last june…i had a date got rather tipsy and told him the truth, then the wig slipped!! oops…but a few weeks later he made me go commado, v short dark curls, ive been "blonde in a bob " for 20 years!!.. And we are still together, very happy , i now have 5 kids!!
Good luck, and btw had a couple of dinner dates with wig and they wanted to see me again…really helps confidence!
Jill
Hiya
I feel the same, Im 35, single as widowed 5 years ago- i was just pulling myself back together then this happens. I had masectomy earlier this year and although everyone keeps saying forget about finding someone concentrate on you - I know its true but would be so nice to get a nice big hug sometimes off someone who wants to look after you. Now Ive lost my hair it feels more hopeless, all friends keep saying it wont bother someone nice but its the whole cancer thing too, it makes it so hard for people to take on. A friends brother we have a thing sometimes and he said he doesnt care, its a breast its not me but then we havent done anything about it as I feel with going through chemo its a bit much for someone to take me on.
However, I do think there are lots of nice men out there that must be very geniuine - i just think its a bit easier if youve found a nice one first
xxx
Hi… I’m 42 and had a bi-lateral mastectomy 6wks ago. I have to say I rather like having no boobs. I’ve no intention of having reconstruction. The scars are healing very neatly. Everyone says to me that the right man won’t worry about the way I am but if I do meet someone at what stage do you tell them!!! Weird. More worried about the imminent hair loss from chemo…x x
Hi JulieZ
I am interested in your comments about liking having no boobs. What do you like about it, are you more comfortable, do you feel a sense of freedom, or is it a sense of the worry being taken away from you regarding the cancer. I know that sometimes getting used to reconstruction and implants can be an uncomfortable business as mine was, but just can’t imagine being without my implants. All power to you if you feel you can cope without though. It is certainly a very individual choice. I wish you all the best for your forthcoming chemo. A couple of friends one an older work colleague, and another a girl who was diagnosed about the same time as me, ended up with their new hair coming in all curly. I thought it looked lovely.
On the man front, I think honesty from fairly early is best. My partner Chris knew actually before our date, as the friend who sorted of fixed/set us up by telling him all about this wonderful friend she had, for some mad reason felt she had to tell him about my bc and operations etc as well. She was probably right because we hit it off on the first night we were introduced and never looked back, so I was lucky in a way that I didn’t really have to cross that bridge, the work was already done for me. At the time I was a bit miffed that she felt she had to tell him straight away. I thought it might have chased him away, but luckily it didn’t.
Julie
Ah thanks for posting your stories and experiences - its quite encouraging to know that it really separates the ‘wheat from the chaff’ man-wise. I guess a decent man will love you no matter what… to be fair I have been utterly nun-like for nearly a year now ( mainly through choice- although my town doesnt offer a fantastic array of hunky millionairres!!!) I guess its the ‘when do you tell him’’ issue that might be a daunting one if I can manage to get my claws into some poor unsuspecting boy and get a few dates under my belt…
( I am retaining a sense of humour about this as much as pos!!)
kepp posting your stories as they make really heartwarming reading!
( oh and any spare batchelors out there… point them in my direction!!)
Jenny
Keep up your sense of humour, its great.
I told my man on the third date. I thought if he is gonna do a runner then may as well get it over with. 8 months on we are still happy.
Jx
Jenny
At least you’ve got age on your side as well. 38 is a go out and get em, sort of an age, if that makes sense. Oh to be 38 again.
Sometimes we worry too much, what if, when, why, and then sometimes it just all fits into place, and you wonder why you thought it might never happen in the first place.
Good luck.
Julie
Thank you Julie … to be perfectly honest - its really the least of my worries right now - I was just having a wobbly ’ I need a hug’ moment and got all sorry for myself for a moment… silly really. My main concern is of course for my daughter ( aged 8 and worried about her mum as its just been me and her ‘against the world’ for all her short life so far) I am of course worried about the pending mastectomy - Im one of these pathetic people who cry at the dentist - so this op is really scaring me!! I just sometimes wake in the night fretting and thinking it might be nice to be able to have someone there - as close as a hubby/boyfriend would be, to reassure me… but to be honest I am getting more hope and support from everyone on here than I thought possible - Im so glad I found this site!
The men can wait… I am off to Tunisia for a weeks holiday in a fortnight and will face the operation when I get back. Going to make the most of the next few ‘able bodied’ weeks…!!
Hi Jenny
You’re bound to be worried, especially when you’ve got a young family as such. My boys were 12 and 16 at the time, so although being boys they can be a bit thoughtless, at least they could help me around the house a bit after my ops, and they had each other as well. I still worried about them terribly though. So you’re bound to be worried for your daughter. It is such a stressful time, and sometimes you can’t always get your head around it. The day before I had my bilaterals I was decorating my dining room. I was frantically trying to keep myself busy somehow. I used to find the nights the worst as well, you wake up at 2 or 3 o’clock, then lie awake for hours worrying. I ended up on sleeping tablets, which I still take now, even though I probably should have got off them now. I think Tunisia sounds a much better option though. Get plenty of rest and recuperation.
Best wishes.
Julie x